How come I feel so guilty about the drugs that were administered during hospice?
I just feel that the drugs that hospice uses seem a bit strong. I am not a skilled nurse. I wish I had just let him go to the hospital and be treated there. I feel like they might have been able to help him live longer. But, we both promised each other we would die at home. I don't know the side affects of these drugs. What they do to a person. I was assured by the nurse that I could not overdose him. How do they know? After he died, there were so many drugs left over and they threw them all away. I just think that a novice person should not be allowed to be the one to give the drugs. Maybe hospice was not right for us. Am I feeling like anyone else who used hospice? I remember when my mom was on hospice and she had to have morphine about every 10 to 20 minutes toward the end. Or at least I remember it that way. I just hate drugs and should have been honest with myself and hospice about being the one to administer these drugs. I kept a diary because I was so afraid of the drugs.
Expert Answer
Second guessing one's decisions in an 'end of life' situation is commonplace, but since your husband and you discussed this eventuality beforehand, you really shouldn't. It's always a difficult choice between treating the pain--and accepting drowsiness/inattentiveness that comes with the treatment--and keeping the loved one mentally focused and alert, yet suffering. At least this is what the caregiver often believes. The truth is rarely that simple since extreme pain may well cause even more distraction and, in some cases, anger/hurt at being denied relief. As the good doctor said earlier, quality of life is more important than duration where severe pain accompanies a terminal condition.
Caring people will not subject a loved pet to suffer with a terminal illness and our loved ones deserve at least as much consideration. He wanted to die at home, you fulfilled his wish and did the best you could. He would be proud of you, so be at peace with yourself.