How do I deal with my mom, who has Alzheimer's, refusing care and assistance?
Dad has been admitted again to a hospital because he fell and broke his hip. Extended rehab at an inpatient facility will follow. We just completed two months of this situation with mom at home alone. She has Alzheimers, but has a doctor who does not take anything seriously. Both parents worship their doc because he never tells them that anything is 'wrong' with them. My mom refuses to stay at my house (daugher) or to take advantage of the respite care arrangement at dad's rehab facility. I fear for her safety and she calls and cries all night long. What is my best recourse?
Expert Answer
I think you are going to have to assert yourself more than you have been. Your mother is not capable of making good decisions at this point because her judgment is impaired. Your father can’t make decisions for her at the moment because of his own health issues. Their doctor is no help. It is usually very difficult for us adult children to tell our parents that they need to do something they don’t want to do, but with a parent with dementia, it is sometimes necessary. Who do your parents trust or listen to? Is there an “authority figure” you can enlist to help you? A minister or rabbi, sibling of theirs, or friends? Or do you have siblings who can help you so that as a group you insist that your mother be in a safer space? You need allies here. What about your father? Can he beg your mother to come stay in the building with him so he is not so alone? (This assumes that he understands the problem of her being alone at home which he may not.)
Another option is to hire a companion for nights to stay at home with her if moving her is just too difficult. Many home care agencies have companions available. The Alzheimer’s Association should be able to give you names of agencies.
The fact that your mother calls and cries all night long indicates that she feels unsafe, even if she can’t verbalize it. She may also be depressed and benefit from treatment for depression or anxiety. Many people with Alzheimer’s disease are able to feel and function better if their emotional issues are being treated with medications. Since her doctor does not take this seriously, you need to find another physician for her – one that specializes in geriatrics or dementia care. Call the Alzheimer’s Association and get a list of medical centers or specialists in your area. She does not have to switch her care; it could be a consultation, which you may be able to get her doctor to make a referral for.