What is it that could be done to get my extended and immediate family together again?
My sister cooked the Thanksgiving dinner this year and nobody showed up too eat, but myself, my sister and her youngest daughter, her fiance. My own very mother didn't even show up, in fact, we assume that she went gambling or over to her sister's house where the whole Family use to eat. After my grandmother passed away, the extended family would eat together. Afterwards grandmoms death, I recall attending one dinner and that was Thanksgiving 2006. My family is alive and breathing well, but don't function together at all!!!!! I don't understand why and this situation has bothered my sister and I for quite sometime. If my mother goes over to her sister's to eat dinner, maybe a cousin would ask her "why didn't you and your kids or your sister come to the dinner? Your mom was there", when in all reality, we wouldn't know about the dinner at all cause mom wouldn't tell us anything about family palnned gatherings. It just hurt my feelings that momma didn't come to, her own daughter's hardworking in the kitchen all night eat.
To make matters worst, before my sister started cooking she asked momma what did she want specially made and momma stated some green beans, but didn't show. Momma acts a little strange at times, but I won't get into details about that, but sometimes I do think that she doesn't really care for us, her children nor the grands because she acts like when we are present she has anxiety for some reason and I think that she just don't want us around. Ask momma for money and she will give it to the end. Ask her to keep her own grandchild or go out on trips together (never has happened in life and we are in our late 30's) and she will not go, at least with her children or grands, but will go gambling with her friends or just by herself.
One other thing that I hate is my moms deameanor from time to time. When she is in the wrong she will try to find some excuse or sometimes she will try to make me sad if her day is going wrong and now that I have gotten older, I realize these thingsd about her and can easily ignore her when she does it and I can walk away without having to swallow a big lump in my throat. What is it that could be done to get my extended/ mediate family together again?
Expert Answer
Dear Just Being Me,
I'm so sorry your holiday didn't turn out as you had hoped for. Unfortunately, holidays tend bring out the hard feelings that many families ignore the rest of the year. The key to getting your family back together on future holidays is to work on the issues throughout the year, so that things don't get worse just when you most want them to go well.
You mention that things were better before you lost your grandmother; what changed after your grandmother's death? Did she do a better job of organizing meals, or perhaps she was better at communicating with your mom? Or maybe she was more of a matriarch, who held the family together? Whatever she did, is there a way you could take over that role to bring your family together as she did?
I'd like to understand your comment about how your "mother can act strange sometimes". I'm wondering if your mom is dealing with an undiagnosed illness that is contributing to the problem, whether it be mental or physical? When was the last time she had a health evaluation? If she hasn't seen a medical professional recently, she needs to! If cost is an issue, please look into your local resources for a community clinic and get her an appointment.
I have the impression that your family isn't communicating openly about these issues. When was the last time you and your sister sat down with your mother to discuss your concerns? Have you spoken to her about her gambling, about her unwillingness to show up at family events, her erratic behavior? I suspect that nothing will improve until you speak up, not only about your concerns, but about how her behavior is bothering you. How will your mom know how sad you are if you don't tell her?
As is so often the case when problems like these arise, the only way they'll get better is for you to take action. I'm so glad you expressed your feelings here, as this is a good first step. Now, you have to think about what you have to do to improve the situation. Make yourself a list of ideas, then put a date on each item and stick to that timeline. First on your list should probably be talking to your family about how to plan together, and second might be finding a time for you all to talk with your mom about why you're concerned and upset. You really can make this situation better, but only if you're willing to invest the time and energy it will take to making things better. Much good luck to you!