Should we tell Grandma that HER mother is dying? Both have dementia.
Can she handle her mother's death???
Hi, my family is completely torn on this issue. My Grandmother has pretty advanced dementia. Her mother, who has been suffering from Alzheimer's for a number of years now, recently had a stroke and is not expected to recover. The doctor who is caring for her says there is absolutely nothing that they can do for her. I don't know much about her condition, or how much time she might have. I don't think anyone has told my grandmother that her mother is dying.
On the one hand, this is her mother... Anyone would want to know what was going on, and be able to pay their last respects. I know I would, even if I didn't understand what was going on.
On the other hand, she is suffering from advanced dementia. She was recently moved into a home for dementia patients because she wasn't very aware any more. She was wandering, getting lost, and doing other dangerous things that she would not have done if her reasoning had not been affected. She quickly becomes restless and often walks away from us when we take her places. She still has striking moments of clarity, but they are few and far between.
How involved should she be? Seeing her mother requires a weekend pass and a six hour drive. Which is cruel in this scenario? Denying her the last possible opportunity to see her mother alive? Or subjecting her to the death of her mother when she isn't exactly able to coherently understand it? We are all torn on this one.
Expert Answer
Should you tell your mom, with advanced dementia, that her mother is dying? It is not quite clear how advanced her dementia is, but assuming that she is not aware of what is going on around her, make your decision based on her state of mind, not yours. You said, "anyone would want to know what is gong on..." Yes, anyone with intact reasoning would want to know. A person who can no longer reason might not understand what is going on even if she were there right now.
The family members who are sure that your mom needs to visit her mother may be projecting their own thoughts into what they think your mom's would be. Does she have thoughts at this point? Test it out. Ask her if she knows where her mother is and what she thinks about her mom. If she can't give any answer, she may not be able to understand at all. Alzheimer's and other dementias steal away ability to think, make sense of the world and understand things like living and dying.
No one can make this decision for you, outside the family. I would weigh the pros and cons very carefully. How uncomfortable would your mom be on a 6 hour drive? What would it be like for her to be in yet another strange place when she arrived? Does she recognize you? Would she recognize her mother? If she doesn't know any of you anymore, or isn't quite sure who you are, it's likely that it would be the same for her with her mom. Ask the caregivers and her doctor for their advice about having mom make the trip. If they advise against it, there is a reason. Listen with an open mind.
If she goes, be sure it's for her real benefit, and not for the sake of the family who may not see how demented she is and can't see how incapable of understanding certain things she may be. If you decide not to take her, let go of your own guilt. In some ways the decision is driven by her illness and not by your thoughts about what you would want. I wish your family calmness in coming to a decision and peace among you at this doubly difficult time.