How can I resolve taking care of my boyfriend's grandmother?
I am new here and this is my first question. Oh ya I love this web site. Well I take care of my boyfriend's mom; she is very difficult sometimes. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse. I have been taking care of her 24/7 for over two years. I have had ten days total as far as vacation goes. Irene has gotten to a point where I can't go out the door for the mail without her screaming her head off at the door and calling me all kinds of lovely names.
We had it all set up for her to go to respite and we dropped her off for three days. Well, long story short she is to never return! She got all the residents upset and was screaming at everyone and told everybody that she was going to blow the place up! We only have one place here where I live that does that. (respite I mean) I have had so-called caregivers here and they don't return. My boyfriend told me that if I wanted time off I needed to work it out. He goes when he needs to. He has had four vacations without me.
What do I do now? I have no life. Also if I do find someone it comes out of what I earn on a weekly basis. The last caregiver I had here, it cost me a lot more than just money. It was a nightmare! I am not sure what to do. I am tired and stressed. Please I just need some advice. Thank You!
Expert Answer
Dear Heart,
If it is warm where you live, lie down in the grass, spread your arms wide, look at the sky and think to yourself, I am a human being. I deserve to walk on the planet. If it is winter, bundle up and walk in the snow. Feel the bite of the wind and cold. Let your mind rest and listen to your footsteps as you walk along.
So often, when caring for someone old and mentally fragile, we begin to take on the client's bad feelings. Instead of care, fear begins to spread.
You fear if you leave, you might lose your boyfriend and your job. You may fear that the elder might not receive the care that she needs. Let yourself feel the fear, then switch your mind. Feel yourself as a specially empowered and caring human being with needs. Trust yourself and try to follow a few suggestions.
- Talk to Irene's doctor. Explain very clearly about how frightened and ornery she is. Try to get a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Make sure that Irene has the proper diagnosis with proper medical treatment. Irene may need some medicine to quiet her for awhile.
- Try to work up your courage; then tell the family of this troubled elder, that you need time off each day and at least a full day or two every week Either the family should cover for you, or pay the respite worker in addition to your weekly salary.
- Go back to the respite center. Explain that you need their help. Ask for help. Tell them what the doctor has said. Explain about any new treatments that he may have provided. Ask them to try again.
- Never drop off an elder who is suffering from dementia. (if you can help it) Try to take her there for lunch or a tour, before hand. Explain why you need respite(the best you can) When you take her, stay awhile and help her get settled and oriented.
- Make sure that you walk 1 to 3 miles each day, starting slowly and working up to more. Eat healthy food and dress well.. Pay extra attention to your appearance in every way.
- Try to meditate, pray, contemplate,or even go for counselling each week. Work on you. As you learn to make friends with yourself, perhaps this family will realize how lucky they are. Then they will want to take care of you, so you can care for their elderly and ornery little mother.