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My mother thinks I am stealing from her what do I do?

A fellow caregiver asked...

My mom lives by herself in another state. During a visit we confirmed she was having memory problems. We had planned for her to move here but she has decided that I am stealing from her and will have nothing to do with me. She refuses to go to the dr. And has become very belligerent . I am so concerned what do I do?

Expert Answer

Brenda Avadian, brings knowledge, hope, and joy to family caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia. She cared for her father with Alzheimer's and helps families one-on-one and in groups. She is the author of eight books, including the pioneering memoir "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's and the Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's series. She presents vivid, compelling, and funny keynotes to both professional and family caregiving audiences.

When you write "mom thinks I'm stealing" from her you are presented with two situations--one, a mom who is afraid and two, because she's trying to hold on.

Sadly, when our loved ones are afraid they lash out to those who are closest to them. This is compounded by the fact that you likely can't see her as often as you'd like because she's in another state. However, if you can spend time with her, please do so without suggesting she do something.

Try to spend the time with her to (re)develop her trust and confidence in you. For example, engage her in discussion. Maybe, in a more lucid moment, she may tell you that she put some money somewhere. This might help you to uncover where else she's squirreled away cash. It is painful to be accused of stealing from one's own parent. But if you and she work together to find her cash, she'll begin to feel that you're on her side.

Over time, she'll feel more comfortable and grow to trust that you have her best interests at heart.

Second, your mom may know she's losing her abilities. She may be questioning her every move. She needs to hold onto what she has.

When you suggest she see a doctor, the idea threatens her. She may fear the worst.

If you can help her feel she'll be all right, your words and actions will help her feel stronger. You'll help her be less afraid because she'll know you'll be by her side.