How do we communicate to my mother that her memory has declined?
My mother has recently declined over the summer, she was only recently diagnosed last year and has gotten worse over the summer. We brought in a companion for her because she wasn't eating properly and not taking her medications, my aunt told me she admitted to throwing out her meds so we don't force her to take it. Now she is in denial and very belligerent when discussing her care. How do we communicate with her to make her understand that her memory has declined? She refuses to accept help and now denies that she has memory problems. How do we respond to this?
Expert Answer
Most of us wouldn't want to admit to ourselves that we're experiencing cognitive decline and are no longer capable of handling our affairs. Many folks in the early stages of dementia have told me that the single scariest aspect to them is losing their self-determination.
Your mom's resistance is a pretty normal reaction and if you want to help her, the smartest thing you can do right now is to avoid all references to memory-loss. Whether your mom "admits" her dementia or not doesn't change reality. You need to find a way to help her and to do so without appearing to be dictating to her. It's a matter of choosing your language carefully and picking your battles. It might help you to "walk in your mother's shoes." She does not want to surrender to this condition and everything you're suggesting to her confirms her fears. If she thinks her medication is related to her dementia, she may feel that as long as she doesn't take it, she's resisting the disease.
When you tell your mother that she needs help, you're confirming to her that she's losing control over her life. Instead, focus on her abilities and work on gaining her trust. Think of yourself as her "partner". When you sense you've regained your mom's trust, ask her opinion and listen to her suggestions while you brainstorm on compromises, like bringing in someone to do light housework, rather than being a full time companion. There's a difference between having a housekeeper and a caregiver.