How can I stop my father from canceling more in-home care hours?
My 91 year old mother and 99 year old stepfather still live at home with professional caregivers 16 hours a day. They had 24 hour care but my stepfather, against the wishes of the entire family, cancelled the night time shift for financial reasons, so he said. They do not have financial problems and have the ability to pay for the care. Now he is insisting on cutting another 4 hours a day out of the care without letting the family know or consulting with us. My mother needs the care due to a fall she is recovering from. He is physically unstable and it is unsafe for her to be too close to him for he could fall and take her with him. I have a strong relationship with the agency that provides the care. What can I do to stop him from cancelling more hours?
Expert Answer
Legally, unless you are his Power of Attorney, you cannot prevent him from cancelling in home care. For him, companions in his home probably represent reminders that he is no longer manly and capable of being his own master, and able to care for himself and his wife. These are big parts of a man's self-esteem. He may perceive it as humiliating to need care and not be able to care for his wife.
You may have tried, but try again to sit with him and attempt to see the situation from his point of view. This is not much an exercise in logic, as one of emotion and self-confidence. You may try reverse guilt. This would be telling him how much you worry about them when there is not someone in the house, and that you fell better, are able to concentrate on your work better, when you are not worrying. So having companions is something he can do for you, even though he believes they are not necessary. Presenting it in this way may make it more acceptable, especially if you agree with him that it's not that he is unable, just that you are a worry wart.
Another thought is to persuade your mother to look at living in an assisted living where there is 24 hr assistance available. Probably if he believes that she would actually leave him in order to have care, he will allow the companions.