How can I help convince my mother that it's time to move into a retirement community?
My father is ready to move into a retirement community, but my mother refuses. My father can't take care of her anymore, but she's been saying for years that she is "going to get better and start doing more for herself." What can I do?
Expert Answer
This sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your family. From your mother's perspective, she doesn't want to move nor does she see the necessity. She may not be taking you seriously when you challenge her. After all, she's been saying for years that she is "going to get better and start doing more for herself." In other words. she has had a strategy of putting off change for years, it's worked and she sees no reason to take a different approach.
Given your father's deteriorating health, it sounds like it's only a matter of time before something's going to give. You might try and force the issue by getting a place and having your father move initially without her -- that is, if her health permits. Before resorting to this, however, I would try having a family meeting to discuss the issue. It might make sense for you to consult with a family therapist or your mother's psychiatrist before you have this conversation.
When you talk to your mother, try to keep the tone of the discussion calm and friendly. Explain that she is going to have to make this change sooner or later, and it's a good idea to do so now, rather than waiting until the last minute.
It sounds like your mother has used her illness to get her way over the years, so it's important that everyone -- including your father -- speak honestly and firmly. Give your mother a chance to explain her objections to the move. She may have some very legitimate concerns that can be addressed. Both your parents may worry that they will see less of you once their needs are being met by others, so it's important that you reassure them both that you still plan to see them as often as possible. See if your mother is open to visiting a few retirement communities with you, without committing to anything. She may find the reality much less intimidating than she imagines.
If nothing else works, you may have to wait until things degenerate and there is no longer any choice in the matter. It would be unfortunate if it takes a crisis to force the issue, but that might be the case.