Mom will only let me help her and I'm beginning to resent it.
My Mom has been living with my husband and I for the last 3 years. She has a lot of medical issues and needs 24hr care. She has dementia and is becoming very difficult to handle I feel like I am losing my mind. She refuses to let my husband help her so that means I have to do it and that's fine except it tethers me to the house. I find myself getting angry and frustrated and I know that doesn't help the situation. I try deep breathing, I try reasoning with her even though that's pointless. I don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated. thanks
Expert Answer
Caring for a loved one at home is, as you've found out, a daunting task. Because your mom has multiple healthcare problems and dementia, the challenges can be overwhelming.
First, you have to realize that your health - both mental and physical - are in jeopardy. To resolve the caregiver burnout issue, you and your husband have to make some decisions about your roles with the care of your mother.
If keeping your mother is the only alternative you have or can financially support, you're both going to have to share in the workload. You mother doesn't get a vote on this decision, because there's no way, as you've discovered, to rationally explain what's going on and why you can't do everything for her.
At this point, I want to also let you know that your anger and frustration are normal, because what you're being asked to do is almost humanly impossible, but your mother doesn't understand that. You are not the problem, but if you continue to try to meet all the demands that are being placed upon you in all aspects of your life, you too could become a casualty with ill health or worse, as a result of your mother's health problems.
If you plan to have your own social life, be a wife, friend, grandmother and daughter, you have to have balance in your daily activities, and be able to do so without guilt or remorse. It sounds like your husband is willing to pitch in, but both of you still have to remember that you have a marital obligation to each other that does not include upsetting your marriage, diminishing your time together or denying yourselves fun time away from home, family and yes, even ailing mothers.
I suggest you contact the local Alzheimer's Association to learn what respite programs they may have available for you. Also contact the Area Agency on Aging or local Council on Aging and ask what programs are in your area to take some of the pressure off of you and your husband.
If you can afford it, bring in an outside caregiver a few times a week to relieve you of your duties, and to give you and your husband a break - particularly if your mother needs assistance during the nighttime hours.
Allowing someone to help you will be good for you and help your mother by providing her with outside socialization. Mom's problems will not get better, and her dementia will ultimately present you with the issue of whether you can provide the level of care that she will need within your home, or if she might be better off if placed in a skilled facility that deals with 24-hour care of advanced dementia patients.
If you mother has a long-term care insurance policy that will pay for her caregivers or a facility, now is a good time to make use of it. If not, you may want to talk with a professional "“ a geriatric care manager or elder law attorney about your options, Medicaid, and the criteria to get public assistance if/when your mother should require it.
There are so many aspects to your situation, and without more information, it's difficult to be more specific. Know that you are doing your best, and you're showing your mother a great deal of love and support. While she may complain about some of the changes you put in place going forward, keep in mind that it's as much for your well being as it is for hers. Good luck.