Alzheimer's Support Groups

JDS! of course! Thanks for posting! ♥ Another point to add, as Tizzy and others have mentioned before - get to know the staff by name, and greet them every time you go - when they know you are a regular visitor and there is a personal connection, your loved one will benefit from that, as well. ♥

I am praying for strength for you in the days ahead. My dad has been at the nursing home for 3 1/2 weeks now. I made him two transition books. The first theme was everything changes. The second book had pictures of the nursing home. My advice is to write a very short, simple story about the nursing home and add a few photos of it. The text should be in first person. Using I and my makes it less confusing than you and your. For example: I have a new home. I sleep in my room and eat at the table. There is a TV. People will help me and my family will come to see me. This is a big change, but I will be okay. Pictures of the home, his room, the TV, and your family would be sufficient. Print or type the story on heavier paper and add photos where they occur in the text. Use page protectors or have the story laminated. I leave the back of each page blank as it is less distracting. Unless it would be too taxing, the idea about going for a meal(s) in advance sounds like a good one. If staff members visit in your home or meet you while you eat lunch prior to the move, they might have some helpful suggestions, too. The changes will also drastically affect you. I have my good days and others that are difficult. On these days I remember... For every goodbye, God provides a hello. I also repeat, "I will be okay." Other times I get tough with myself and say..."It is what it is, so just deal with it and make the best of it." Making a mental list of all the positives about the move also helps. Stay connected to family and friends and keep posting. You have been a wondeful caregiver, but it is time to concentrate on yourself. Caregivers are not always good at accepting help from others, but be open to the opportunity. Asking for help for yourself is new territory. Try it! Others often want to assist, but are unsure about what you need. My heart aches for you. I will keep you in my prayers. HUGS! HUGS! HUGS!

Gail, adding my love and prayers for you both.

♥

Don't know what to tell you Hon, but I will keep you in my prayers that everything goes good for you. HUGE HUGS

Gail, have you already found a NH for your DH and the plan is to move him fairly soon? If so, how about asking the social worker at the NH how to handle telling him? Does he still know who you are? That too would make a difference on telling him or not. Need some more help here angels!! Gail, you do need to take care of your own health issues. I hope and pray your numbers improve once you have DH settled.

Tizzy

So sorry to hear about your worsening health issues, Gail!! ♥ Angels- help me out here- who spoke about this a week or two ago and had a wonderful idea of making up a scrapbook explaining the move??? It was really neat!! Arghh! I can't think of who it was! Hope they come on and give the info again!!! good luck! Doing it cold turkey might be a bit of a shock - a lot depends on where your DH is, with his memory loss. ♥ hugs!!

Is it possible to go several days in a row for lunch, and then lunch and supper, and then move him in? It seems that it would be easier to transition that way. I've not had to confront that decision so anything I say is just a wild guess on my part. I do hope that it all goes smoothly for you and that your medical issues are alleviated. ♥

2m2c4 sounds like you have worked very hard, you really deserve a good rest. The flowers sound pretty wish I could see them. HUGS

well I worked most of the morning on it that day, then a little on Friday afternoon, then some more this morning.. DH worked several hours each of those days too. The place we want it is just filled with roots from the neighbors shrubs. For a long time we could not plant there because of too much shade from the hedge. Then we got new neighbors and they cut the hedge way back so now that part of the yard can get sun. But the roots had spread far and deep. We dig and pick out roots, dig and pick out stones, then add soil amendments then mix in top soil too. Too much clay. Then we get a chance to plant one plant and move on to the next place and do it again. So far we have hollyhocks, pincushion flowers, rudbeckcia, summer phlox, day lilies, oriental lilies, marigold, zenia, heather and shasta daisies. These are all planted next to the tulips I put in last year. also threw in some seeds: sun flower and perstemmon and poppy. Now we are worn out!

Loved it. He remembered what you said, dressed for it. And it WAS first thing in the morning. Oh, me. I imagine you got lots of gardening done while he slept on!

So very glad you are able to laugh, 2m2c4. So important.

Thanks for the story, did you get your gardening done?

That is a lovely story. Almost worth getting woke up for!

Love it Did you get your garden work finished?

And I would guess he sleep until noon?

Priceless--I hope you took a picture !

The first time we left town without specifically telling Mom we were going I felt like I was "sneaking" away like a teenager sneaking out of the house :). Is that a hold over from our youth that says don't do anything sneakiy because your Mom will find out about it? Could be. We just found that it made things a whole lot easier for Mom and then for us when we told her about the trip afterwards.

Thanks for the advice. She has only asked about the checkbook one time in the last six months. I told her she didn't need one anymore because we took care of paying all her bills. She was ok with that. I made sure she had some cash before I left for this trip, and she said she wouldn't need it because she wouldn't be going anywhere. But now it's a problem for her.

I have the same situation with my Mom. We have come to the conclusion that it is best not to share when we are going to be gone with her. We certainly let the AL folks know where we are, how long, etc, but there is no benefit to tell Mom. She doesn't remember we told her, and in reality what is the point? We went out of town for 5 days in May and she was none the wiser and none the worse for it. When I call her when we are out of town, I don't make promises(I'll be there tomorrow or whatever), just "How are you doing" and keep it very light and SHORT. When you are in town does she make these same kinds of calls? to you to your brother? does she get upset about the check book and other money issues? If not, then absolutely don't tell her that you plan on being gone. I think we need to rethink our routines as our loved ones progress. What is the value of telling your Mom you will be gone? Normally it is to share information about your life, have her get excited for you for your trip etc. But that doesn't work anymore. It gives them one more thing that is out of their control and leaves them feeling lost. You can tell her all about it when you return. You may want to think through even calling her while you are gone. Will she try to put a "guilt trip" on you? If so, just touch base with the facility every day or so and then ENJOY yourself!!!!!!!

Good luck! This is a good site to vent on.

sending hugs your way.. you sound so put together as to knowing where to go and get help.. I know it is very difficult.. just know your not alone.. there are people that do care what you are going thru..

Caryl, I am certain he is out there having a great time. I hope you enjoyed your day, doing just what you wanted to do.

If only TV could entertain Ray..he does like Matlock but only at night after our supper. I don't know why. He is doing more sleeping in his chair during the day and is beginning to look more frail. Watching the birds in the backyard was one of his favorite things to do but he doesn't even do that now. I hope the fishing trip went well. Caryl

Don't cry, you know that he is happy today and that is a consolation to you. He will have many exciting things to share with you about the trip upon his return. Mattie, go out and do something today Just for you

I so much dread the day when TV doesn't keep him entertained and interested. Last football season we only watched a couple of the Miami Dolphin games and he was a season ticket holder for many years. I think he was not really able to follow the play. Who would have thought that 33 years after his death, I would be using John Wayne as one way to connect with my husband. This morning is the morning our neighbor is taking him fishing. He got up in the middle of the night last night to check his gear again - making sure he had everything together. Like a child before a trip to DisneyWorld. I cried after he left this morning - it was soooo different from the last time I sent him on a fishing trip. I miss him so much. I'll cry on your shoulders and be okay when he returns around 11:00. Thanks for being there.

I agree with you Sandy .Boy do I miss the days when t.v. kept him busy...It was hear one day and then gone.It is so hard to keep him busy now .All of a sudden he can,t sit still.Collects leaves and hides them in odd places and sweeps the gravel in driveway and trys to hide it in the plants.Most of the time sad and not happy.So much changed so fast.I thank all of you for letting me know this is part of it all....

But watching movies was a good time, relatively speaking. Now TV, movies etc don't interest him. It's harder to keep him "gainfully employed" during the day giving him more time to feel sad, confused, angry, afraid than if he had been watching John Wayne again.

You are right and I am still learning, thank you

Dear needs2 ... When your husband watches that movie for the 15th time, he really is watching it for the first time. With short-term memory loss, he has no memory of seeing that same movie last night. That really took me a while to comprehend. I am only causing distress for both of us if I give him a hard time about it.

Mattie and snow bells, shows what I really know about this. I always asked my husband how he could stand to watch those re runs over and over and laugh just as hard as if he had never seen them before. Now, I see it is a part of the journey. I am becoming more enlightened by each sharing of symptoms or actions.

Snowbells, it sounds as if your life could be mine. Especially the constant reruns of TV movies - think I know all of the dialogue from every John Wayne movie there is (including those from 1935!). John (DH) seems to be in more denial now than he was a year ago, also. We just had a "discussion" on the way home - one of my moments!! He said he has no more problems than any other 80 year old man. I said "Yes, you do". He asked me "How do you know - are you asking other 80 year old men what their problems are?" I said "No, I talk to their wives!" He didn't think that was funny. Everything calmed down and then when we got home our neighbor asked him to go fishing tomorrow morning. My neighbor had checked with me earlier to see if it was okay - I told him it would be great. They used to go fishing together all the time. In thinking back, I realized that John has not had out boat out in over 5 years - when he broke both his legs and was in the hospital for about 8 weeks then rehab for 3 months. That seemed to be the beginning of this journey. He hasn't even run the engine in over a year. Something else I have to add to my never-ending list. Then that reminded me that I have to get the generator started. We just began hurricane season!! This is all part of accepting the responsibility for our lives. This has really been rambling but I do feel so much better. Thanks for being there. It helps me so much. God bless all of you.

We just have to continue to pray, show love , compassion, share tips and support each other during these trying times..

These comments seem to have been written for me! My DH had a wonderful day last week when he talked to the man who is going to finish an apartment in his house. I was amazed at all the details he talked about. He seemed like a new person. The work is finally going to be done. He's been talking about it since 2000 but couldn't let go of the idea of doing the work himself. A number of trash barrels filled with lath and plaster were the stumbling block as well as junky old furniture, multiple appliances and things he couldn't bear to get rid of. The solution to getting rid of these things seemed beyond him. Last week a dump truck took everything to the dump. Well... not everything. There's another half load.

The next day he couldn't remember which of the two apartments had the power on when it should have been off, and that was a potential hazard.

Since that time, he's mainly stayed in bed. Yesterday he didn't get up until dinner time. He had gotten dressed to go out to get the mail which he sat and read while dinner got cold.

DH was an electrical engineer. He retains lots of knowledge, but the daily foibles could drive me nuts. The doctor doesn't seem to think it's necessary to do testing. Another doctor we both see said he would be happy to arrange for an appointment with a neurologist. He can see what's happening.

I don't really care about a diagnosis anymore. It sounds like it would be MCI for now. I'm living with this man on this journey, and it's not one I chose to be on. I'm not a caregiver, but that is my role for a second time since I retired.. My late DH died of metastatic colon cancer that found its way to his brain (thirteen tumors).

If I had a choice, I would not have chosen dementia and whatever follows for this round. Some days there is humor. He is more in denial about things than he was a year ago. He's 80.
I read a lot and have taught myself to crochet, so I have things I can do while he watches the same TV programs over and over. He really doesn't remember having seen many of them.

I am positive the doctors turn a deaf ear because of age. My husband is 58, will be 59 this month but I have noticed problems with mood and anger and poor decisions for more than 5 years along with memory problems. IT is just like being pregnant, time will tell if we are right or not but it is sad that perhaps they could be helped during this denial stage by doctor and patient

Mattie, we are thankful that you are here to guide us also. Only folk who are going through these issues can truly understand how we feel and yet realize that they have feelings also and depend upon us.

Trying to convince a doctor there was something wrong with your husband when you see him disintegrating right in front of your eyes is probably one of the hardest things you had to do, langdon.. Glad they finally agreed to prove you wrong - even tho the diagnosis was not one you wanted to confirm. Caregiver was definitely not an occupation I wanted to show on my resume - and I am sure none of us did. I went into this role kicking and screaming. Now that I have somewhat accepted my role as caregiver (most of the time) my life is a little calmer. I do still have my moments, tho. Am learning to save my "kicking and screaming" for all of you here.

John also is a man of science and sometimes when confronted with the results of one of his actions he has such a lost look - like he has been dropped down in someone else's life. These are becoming further apart as he gets further down this long road. It is sad for everyone involved so you do live for those special moments when you connect.

My husband had it for 7 to 10 years faking well with doctors and telling other people what to do .He had notes everywhere and voice recorders to get by .He lost his job after hitting someone with a walkie talkie then blamed them...It was another couple of years after that a doctor finally aggreed to test him .They actually did it to prove me wroug were they surprised because he could talk so well and he was so young 67.hugs to you all on this road.Dear one of Mort I hope Mort is doing o.k.at hospice

Mort found all kinds of ways to work around his impairment and just refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong. I really think he knew because he decided to stop accepting new graduate students right around his 60th birthday. His Alzheimer's diagnosis didn't get out of MCI until he was about 72. Mort always had been sort of quite and hadn't seemed very introspective. He had been a math and science type deeply in the concrete and provable section of the universe. I can only imagine how lost he must have felt in those early days.

It is amazing how well they can "fake it" with someone that is not around them all the time. I had begun picking up the signs at least 3-4 years before my husband would even agree to see a neurologist. In early 2009 he received a diagnosis of "mild cognitive impairment" - the catch-all phrase that starts this monstrous journey. In July 2010, his MRI showed signs that would support a clinical diagnosis of Alzheimers. My husband is still stuck on "mild cognitive impairment" and according to him he has a few short-term memory problems. It is easier and calmer to just let him stay stuck there while I assume all of the responsibility for our life. I always handled the finances so that was no problem. Once I accepted the fact that my husband had Alzheimers, I began to do as much research as I could on just what I was looking at down the road. My sister's husband died from this disease 2 years ago so as I watched her and we talked during her journey I had a preview of what was in store. My greatest sadness is that I am losing my best friend - and in many ways have already lost him. Every once in a while he will shine thru and it can make my day. I found this site in March of this year and I have learned so much and been inspired by so many. I feel so fortunate to have all of you in my life.

Dear one, you added a belly laugh to my day. I am glad to have to ride down the river with me along with others who have endured the cross. I know he needs me so I have no choice but to stick it out, rude behavior or not. He will not soften his remarks some of them used on other folk who look shocked. I so look forward to the peaceful stage after weathering the storm of this one.

Yes. I knew. This is a tough phase. I had been warned how tough it would be. I rode it out, doing what I could when I could. I suspect that you will be able to do the same. Also, in his advanced dementia he is wonderfully sweet as he had been most of our married life. But in this bad period, he was often rude to me in public. That I didn't end up in jail is a testimony to my own fortitude.

I would imagine his secretary (long time with the business) has noticed some odd behavior. He arrives home angry with her telling me of his ire and his telling her that she had BETTER locate files he gave her. I know he found them someplace he left them because he never share that SHE found them just drops it. Dear one: That give me hope that your husband worked for several years without a diagnosis. WEre he the knowledge and driven man in his field as he used to be, several would seek him out for employment. The last job interview in May 109 miles away from home shocked me when he told me how he acted in the interview. He said he told them he knew how to do HIS JOB, HE was EDUCATED AND TRAINED TO DO HIS JOB and not One of them could tell him how to do it. He told them he didn't care if they called him back or not because he has a job. I don't expect them to bother calling him for a 2nd interview. I'm certain he could rattle off rote answers but this position required being able to relate to people and being able to reason with them and help them to understand what your decisons are based upon. He is getting worse today we were riding in the car and I put a stick of gum in my mouth, he glared at me and asked if I was trying to tell him that his breath is bad? I told him no, I love the flavor of my gum-----I know you see what I am going through

To your original question: Yes they can and in early Alzheimer's, they are first class at faking it. Mort remained a college professor until he started going after a woman.

we live in a very small town but it is an hour away from a much larger town. Have any of you experienced a person who can do their job on "rote" I had a distant cousin who had been a minister before he suffered from alz. He could quote correctly large portions of the bible but he could not even remember his family members.
He is in administration but he can rattle off solutions about his job when simple things around her that he cannot seem to make a decison, or rather an appropriate decision. This behavior is presenting itself more and more.

He has a large sore on his hip that I observed, questioned him about and he told me that he didn't know what it was but his whole leg pains. I told him that he needed to see his doctor, soooooooooo he did as if he was unable to make that decision, saying it had bothered him for a long time.

This is a huge relief with my assisting to pay the bills and he finally agreed to this. A neurologist did tell us that he might need to see a psychiatrist, but of course my husband was adamant that he WOULD not see another doctor. I am just waiting since I can see daily that he is not functioning normally.

I would welcome his job releasing him as it perhaps would cause him to finally seek help. This position is a newly created department, however, he is one with the most experience in the field so they depend upon him, even his supervisor is limited in his job related experiences. He could fully retire at this point, glad for that.

Please believe that I am listening and acting on a lot of your advice and do appreciate your comfort, advice, directives and all.

My husband continued to work during his early stages of Alzheimer's. No one noticed until one of the support staff noticed that he wasn't responding the way he used to. About a year after that,he made a pass at a secretary. That was it! And he didn't have a definite diagnosis at that time. They called it minimal cognitive impairment (MCI) at an Alzheimer's disease research center because his test scores were good.The diagnosis didn't occur until a year after that.

Don't know what kind of job he has, but if he is displaying this type of behavior at home he will be exhibiting it at work as well. Having been a manager for 35 years I can gurantee they will also be building a "case" on his behaviors that could ultimately lead to termination for cause. I don't want to worry you, but the sooner you can get an accurate diagnoses, the better protection you will have. You indicated 3 different doctors have seen him and can't find anything wrong? I don't reccomend doctor shopping, but maybe there is a geriatric doctor that can help you. Have you contacted the local Alz organization? They have a wealth of information.

To Jeanne Absher: I date my husband's diagnosis to about 2006 also. Our road of caregiving is long and mostly thankless. Not everyone is able to do it. We who do manage it learn to separate the big things from the small things and the word on these pages is that you just let the small things go. It's not that they don't make it tougher for you, it's that you can't fix them. You can't really fix any of them. You just learn to manage them and to find ways to make your own job easier. Managing incontinence is a stumbling block for some that cannot be overcome. Others of us are able to overcome our difficulty of how much our mate has deteriorated that they cannot do what needs to be done. And it seems to me that the worst stumbling blocks always occurred first at night when I was least able to accommodate to them. But I found that a way to deal with it occurred to me the next morning. It's important that you take care of yourself so that you can maintain this edge. Get help using home care agencies. Look for periods of respite care and keep coming back to this site to talk about it.

Need to understand, you are suffering with the early stage of Alzheimer's before either you or your husband have "signed on" to this diagnosis. And as I have previously mentioned, Mort didn't sign on for years. But you have reached the point when you must take over these responsibilities whether he gets it or not. Your going on with your life demands this. The bills need to be paid. Taxes must be paid. It does no good to confront him with the evidence. And I know this from personal experience trying to get through his denial. Taking these tasks over from one who is in denial is not easy. He will resist this. One of the things I did was to divert the mail to a new, lockable mail box and only I had a key. I would skim off the important stuff and take care of it. He didn't realize that something was missing. The sooner you take control, the better you will feel. It won't make him any better. It will make you feel better. These suggestions can be extrapolated to other situations.

It is only by the grace of God that I have been enlightened more from the site than any medical doctor gave me. I shared a log of aberrant behavior, (more bizarre than I have shared with the site) with 3 of his doctors including his primary care phy. they ignore me and say they cannot find anything wrong with him, (brain scan indicated mini strokes). they tell me he is still functioning at work so it is nothing to worry about.

I discovered only last week that he was past due a lot with our utilities so I took that seriously and put payment time lines on calendar, we will pay them together. He lashes out with so much anger that he will NEVER give me or the kids POWER of attorney even over health as I just want to put him away. (wrong) Learning from the group, I have learned ways to protect both of us (his ego and my concern) but implementing the advice learned on this very site. When I told him that we were going to balance check books together, he heatedly asked me what I was LOOKING for? Was I thinking that he is stealing? I calmly supplied that he could not steal what was already both of ours. I told him with his having one over a 5 million dollar work budget, surely checks and balances are in order.

Sorry you are on this journey, but this is a great site to get information as well as just vent. You will need to find your own ways of coping with each new situation, but there is a lot of good advice here that comes from having been there done that. There have been a couple of other conversations that last few days over handling finances. I would urge you to make sure you have all power of attorney documents in place. both for the finances and health considerations. It is so much easier to get that done early on. If your husband can not do the "figuring" anymore, make sure that you check on it frequently. You don't want to have your finances in a mess on top of everything else. the other thing is that as I am sure your are already discovering, there is no reasoning with someone with AD. It's not that they don't want to, they simply CANNOT do it any longer. Gentle suggestions and redirection is the key. If that doesn't work, leave it be and come back to it later. I am sure many of us are wondering how we survive having bit our tongue so many times....:) Hugs and prayers to you.

I guess I just thought my husband was a distant person since his family is kind of stiff and distant. He just crawls into bed and does not say good night. I used to kiss him and tell him good night telling him that I could not understand how a human being could just get in bed like an animal and fail to say goodnight to their mate. He would say it as if forced to do it a few times then stop so I let him alone. I am learning so much from this site because I just thought he was weird. His mother told me I brought so much love to the family as none of them ever hugged their mother or father even when their grandmother was over 100 and was trying to pull my husband (her only grandson down to hug her, he was pulling back) I had to insist that he lean into her not away. Today, we were shopping for a thunder nba shirt for our grandson and were up to the counter to pay for it. He thought the price quoted was incorrect so he took the shirt and said he was going to look for another with the tag. Well, this hurt, but I saw him give the shirt to another woman and said I couldn't find another one to compare and when I asked why he gave her the shirt he said, "Oh I thought you said we were going to Dillards." I reminded them that the end of that conversation was Before we went to the counter to pay for the shirt else why was at the cash out counter waiting for him to return with the shirt. He did apologize which he is doing soooooooo much later. He just cannot reason anymore. We went all over town before we found the exact shirt he gave to another customer but I refused to fuss. The other day I reminded him to fax and ad to the newspaper but he failed to tell them how long to run the ad. I have to either Do everything that requires thinking or else, do it myself to ensure that it correct. He called himself balancing one the bank accounts when I told him that he was 300 short. He said, "Oh, I understand why, because a check has not come in yet so it is almost 300." I informed him that he has already deducted the check in the book so it is included in his "book balance" sooooo any other deductions would cause the balance to be short not longer. I could not make him understand so I just told him that he and I both were going to do the books together from now on. I do think he is advancing faster this year than last year to more memory loss and also reasoning skills are worse. Keep on writting your comments all of you as it helps us who are new to realize that we are experiencing the same almost exact things but now we can make some sense of the reason for the behavior.

Oh that's got to be hard. I think of my hubby and I too. Know matter what it's a kiss and and hug good night. Actually you can't tell which body parts are his or mine. I pray for you that somewhere in his mind he will come up with those comforting words GOOD NIGHT.