My Mom is an "over-involved" caregiver, stressed out, but there is no "back-up"plan for the patient. Any suggestions?

3 answers | Last updated: Sep 18, 2016
A fellow caregiver asked...

Hello, my Mom has been caregiving (with in-home aides) for my 99 yr. old grandmother (Stage 7 Alz.) for 4 years. Mom is in poor health and has fallen on the stairs several tims, but refuses to go to her MD; put Grandmom in Respite Care or in an Alz. unit. I am concerned (on several levels), whenever I have broached a need for a "back-up plan", I've bee ignored. Any suggestions?

Community Answers

A fellow caregiver answered...

6 months and no answer? There isn't one. You've tried making suggestions and they've fallen on deaf ears. Your mom wants to run herself into the ground over this. Maybe she has no husband or family left to take care of? Maybe she has nothing else to do. Maybe this makes her feel important. I say, leave it and let her do what she wants.

I don't understand this kind of thing at all. I hear it over and over, apparently tending to the dementia parent is addictive. If it was MY mom, I would have put her into a nursing home ASAP.

Michelle, whe answered...

My youngest brother cares for my mother who has very progressive Alzheimer's and it is difficult to hire others, when your patient doesn't know them for those who progress with Alzheimer's usually have several phobias. We do have two caregivers who alternatively come in when my brother goes to work. I know my mother remembers me to see me, but if I leave the room and come back she speaks as if I just arrived. However, most importantly, first of all be thankful, but I would hire someone to work with your Mother who is caring for her mother, and also have the new person handle cleaning, changing beds, cleaning bathrooms, and washing primarily so you Mother can relax a bit more,and get a break for a quite uninterrupted meal. Another nice offering would be to make nutritious meals for your mother and grandmother, so the caregiver doesn't have to do that much. Bring salad and fruit and bakes some healthy muffins to snack on during the day as well so they get nutrition..I fact that your mother is willing to do this for her mother, for she if not leaving it to anyone else, may have something behind it.. Possibly it is out of true love, and holds fond love, affection and memories of her mother. I hope this helps.

Askmehouse answered...

As others have already commented, we can rarely control/change another's choices and/or behaviors without their consent. What you CAN do, however, is to be compassionate with yourself (i.e., your own worries and concerns about the WHOLE situation) AND your mom in this situation.

On the other hand, I've learned to find my own "non-negotiable" boundaries--I.e., "safety" and "comfort"--for those situations in which I had some decision-making authority.

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