Are We Taking Advantage?
My husband and I are living with my grandmother (it has been a family house for generations, it's paid off). She has pretty advanced macular degeneration, and can barely see. She has asthma that is usually under control but it can get bad at times. She gets confused easily and is more forgetful every day.
We help her out by doing all the grocery shopping out of our own pockets, cooking dinner every night, reminding her of appointments, driving her places she needs to go and making sure she takes her meds. My husband does home maintenance and the yard work (except for weeding, which she loves to do), last year he re-sodded her entire lawn, and this summer he is going to paint her house. We spend time with her every night; watching movies, the news, chatting, etc. And we help her read her mail, find items she's lost, and anything else she has trouble seeing. We keep an eye on her asthma and suggest going to the doctor when her breathing gets bad and we help her find her inhaler when misplaces it. We help out with housework, though she does insist on doing some herself.
We moved in because my husband was laid off and we tried to pay rent for a few months but she eventually asked us not to because it was very hard on us financially.
My aunt threw a huge fit, saying we are taking advantage of my grandma by not paying rent. She even called adult protective services on us for "using" my grandma financially.
I am wondering, are we taking advantage? If we weren't here, how much would she have to pay someone to do the things we do? I doubt if we weren't here that she could even stay in her home. I would also like to know the approximate value of what we are doing for my grandma for if my aunt tries to push this issue.
I love my grandma very much and I hate the thought of hurting her in any way.
Thank you for your feedback.
Expert Answer
These are always hard situations, and my initial response is to say that the best approach would be to sit down with your aunt and talk with her about the work you are doing, and why it is so helpful to your grandmother. Engage your aunt in an open discussion of the options for your grandmother, and explore with her what it would take to reproduce this same level of care using professional help. You want to listen to her concerns, understand them better, and try to get her to see the benefits you are providing to your grandmother. Then, once the atmosphere has cleared a bit you can address the financial issues. You should keep track of the number of hours you and your husband typically work in a month, in detail, and then ask around to see what caregivers in your locale typically charge. Then, find out what the typical monthly rent would be for the house you are occupying. You can then present these findings to your aunt to show her the benefits you are providing and how they outweigh the rental value of the house.
Finally, it would be good if your grandmother could talk directly to your aunt, to explain why she prefers the current arrangement.