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Alzheimer's Support: Featured Caregiver Conversations
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Dementia Delusions: Possible to Correct Her? Should I?
I'm new to this group. I've been looking for a place to share and ask questions. I care for a lady who blames her husband for everything. At lucid moments she knows she has Alzheimer's; other times she thinks he is just trying to control her. Should I correct her? Or is it even possible? Any tips are appreciated.
I'm the patient. And honestly all I can do is repeat things about this that I've read in support groups. So I'll do that. The way I understand it, it doesn't do much good to correct us, it can cause us to get irritable, so it's probably better to make sure she knows you listened to her, show your concern, and then change the subject. This is a stage, and she won't do this for long. I just hope I don't do it to my husband, he is a really good caregiver, really patient with me and my foibles! Chris
Oh, that is such a great tip. And I do try that. However, she is not easily swayed from the subject and returns to it continually. This stage is lasting a long time. I hope it's over soon! I just want to bang my head against the wall sometimes. I'm so attached to her already, I try so hard to change the subject and to make her laugh at something. Sometimes it works......thanks so much!
I agree with Chris. Correcting one with AD accomplishes only increasing frustration and paranoia that you've teamed up with her husband. My mom shared this lady's dillusions. Although, she was married to an overly controlling husband who felt the need to maintain even tighter control of her and a uncontrollable disease.
I found getting out old photo albums with the two of them smiling on trips and special occasions helped to remind her of his love.
BJ
Oh, wow. That is the also the case here. Very controlling husband. The photo albums sound like a good idea! Thank you for the tip!
You're welcome, sherona. BJ
Hafa Adai Chris, I wish to echo the comment made my Sherona, except for the head banging part. Just listening takes the startch out of a lot of issues, even if you have to listen to the same issue lots of times a day.
Stumper
Managing Medications: Does Stress Impact Effectiveness?
My dad has been in alot of pain with his arthritis the last few weeks with head and neck problems. He hasn't been able to drive and my mom who has Alzheimers has been doing the best she can to take care of him. She was put on Aricept back in March and was doing remarkably well, taking part in conversations and seemed quite bubbly. She has been under stress worrying about dad and has done a complete turn around. She talks non stop all the time now, wanting to talk to people she hasn't seen for 20 years. Getting things all mixed up again, she has lost 15 pounds and is not eating well. And she has been really loud vocally about everything. She keeps repeating the same thing over and over about not loosing her marbles, wanting to see her Dr every week. It's almost like this stress over my dad has put her in a decline. She's saying she doesn't have long to live? My Mom was always a typical lady, quiet and never spoke out of place. Now she is yelling at my dad in a restaurant. Has anyone ever confronted this? Does stress make your medication go out of whack? Please help. I have talked to her Dr 3 days ago but have had no response. She even bought a $3500 filter queen from a salesman that come to the door!!!
I'm sorry to hear that. I personally think stress can be part of why she's slipping so fast. Back when I was still working, it was so stressful that the symptoms were with me, coming and going, all the time. Since I've left the job mine doesn't progress very fast. So for me, stress makes it worse, confusion comes into your life. Your mom is undoubtedly frustrated about the symptoms, she's aware of her losses and it's driving her. You may still see a turnaround if the stress lessens. I hope so! Her doctor really needs to see her, tho, if these symptoms have come on nearly overnite to make sure that there's nothing they can take care of that's causing it.
My MIL had a small stroke last week. Part of the time now she's lucid, and part of the time the dementia is hitting her hard and fast, confusion, forgetfulness. She's always been a control person and now she's totally lost control. I expect that's made it worse.
Good luck wih your mom, I hate that for you! Chris
It sounds like your Mom is too stressed out trying to take care of your Dad - can you find some respite care to help out with her? I know this is frustrating to you - take care of yourself - you are the only one who can do that - then face the problems with your parents, OK?
It isnt uncommon for inappropriate behavior in public when someone with AD is stressed or having an "off" day. I agree that she needs to be seen by a doctor if it isnt back to normal in the nxt day or so. I never know when my moms behavior warrants a visit so I have just started calling them for their advice. I dread taking Mom to restaurants but that is usually place I can geth her to go IF she will even go. She is so rude to the waiters and she thinks it has taken way too long for the food when we may have just given our order. She thinks people are staring at us sometimes and she has yelled at the staff before, Next time she may be perfectly fine..like Monday when we went. She started to get aggravated about the time so I kept reminding her what time we got there etc. She was always a very nice person and sometimes I am shocked at the hatefulness and anger I see in her ) : My mom has started having..well I dunno if they are hallucinations..but imagining things. The landscape guy was here this morning and she thought he was stealing boxes my daughter has packed up out in the garage. I finally just had to tell her that Jamie had sent a friend over to get some of her stuff. I hate to lie but it did ease her mind. I can't get her motivated to do much of anything,she wont even get up off the couch most days unless it is to go to her bed. She wants her sleep meds as early 5pm sometimes. I have started hiding them and call her and let her know where they are..if I havent called by 8pm she calls me. This is a struggle for us all and I already love this group and am so glad I found you all..I have added all to my prayers
The hallucinations must be awful to live thru, and to know how to deal with! I think it's a fairly common symptom. Good that you were able to come up with something to set her mind at rest.
Oh my gosh, if I went to sleep at 5 I'd be up at midnite for the rest of the nite. I hope I don't ever do that! lol! I don't know why it makes a difference to me when what I do is read for the most part, but I want to be sleeping when it's dark, and some days it just doesn't work out that way. I've been waking about 4AMish for the most part this week.
Hugs to all! Chris
She is awake at all hours. My Dad is still working in the family business and he doesnt get much rest most nights. She works herself up into anger a lot. Probably due to her and Dads relationship through the years. I dont really know what her future holds but I will always do my best for her. I just hope it will be good enough.
Senior Finances: How Do I Get Mom's Money Under Control?
Bad day today. I think I am feeling sorry for myself. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I am having an issue taking over my mothers finances. I am able too but didn't ever think this was a roll I would have to play. She has left her purse lay in public areas, told me she only had a bunch of tens and then started pulling twenties out of her purse. She told me the other day she had to go to the bank I asked why she said she had no checks left. I asked to look at her check book yesterday and she had plenty of checks left. We just found out what was going on with her a few months ago so am still trying to unravel all of this. She wasn't eating and had lost a lot of weight. The longest she has gone with out changing her clothes is four days. But she is fine thank you very much. gotta love them lol.
Well she lucky she has you!! it's not going to be easy I'm afraid but just coming here maybe you can get some relief Welcome and please remeber YOUR NOT ALONE.....Godbless ...An
Hi anon...we all have those days we feel sorry for ourselves..ask why did this "crap" have to happen to me or my family, etc. We all just take one day at a time. Seems you've at least gotten a heads up and stepped in in time. We're all here for you. {{Hugs}}, prayers and love from all our group of sisters. And, if you are new here, welcome.
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. You will find with this disease your Mom will do a lot of strange things that she has never done before. Its almost as if you have become the parent and she is the child. We are all here to help you in any way we can. No question is a dumb question, justs ask away. There are a lot of smart ladies and guys on here to help. As far as eating goes that is just a phase they go through, as least for my DH it is. Are you living with your Mom so you can monitor what she is doing? Hugs
HUGS to you. I was in a bad way last week. Chin up. We are here!! Team Green to the rescue. Where is the bus?
hello welcome to the gang. we are here to help each other. do you have power of attorney . that is the first step in handling her affairs. have you been to a neurologist for your mom. and got good diagnosis? as far as eating in concerned that is a sign of the disease but just incourage her to eat. i dont try to feed my mom. just sit with her until she gets through eating and just say finish yout foos mom it is good for you. it may take a while for her to eat but be persistent in her eating as much as ossible we are here for you
Good luck to you this morning. You will get stronger, I promise. I couldn't walk through Michaels to buy a Christmas tree without crying, some time ago. ...something we always did together. You just do the thing you have to do, and the next one is a little easier...just not right away!!! I only cried on the way to the store to buy a refrigerator! This summer I bought new siding for the house and not a tear in sight. One step at a time!!
I know what you mean. Husband retired at 55, and right after that he got alzheimers. Thought we would be traveling etc. He did all the finances, insurance etc. I sure learned quickly. You are going to be going through the grieving stages. I was at anger for a year. Seek support group, this site is great. But you are going to be going through a lot. Contact alzheimers society they are the greatest.
It is hard when you have to take over things for them. I did my Mom who didn't have Alz and my husband who does. I talked Mom into getting a purse with a long strap to put around her neck. No more carrying 2 purses. Sometimes I would grab hers and forget mine
Welcome A/C! Looks like the welcoming committee has already been here! :) It's a Sisterhood (some brothers) that we wouldn't have chosen, but once here you can't imagine not being a part of it! My Mom is also in denial of her memory loss- makes for some interesting conversations! She and my Dad (couple of major strokes) live in Assisted Living (AL) and are doing fine there - if you don't ask how they are doing! hugs!
Welcome. Mom carries and empty purse. Well, I did find her panites in there one day. Good grief.
Welcome to our group! Noone is ever prepared for this disease to happen and we all have felt angry that it is not how we expected our lives to be. Share your bad days with us but don't forget there will be great ones too, so treasure them. Hugs Millie
Welcome - yes, some days are not easy. 2 days ago at 11 p.m. at night my son had been outside smoking a cig and came inside to this horrible smell. His nanny was standing in the kitchen and he asked what the smell was. She had somehow managed to find the hidden oven cleanser and decided to spray the oven. this wouldn't be so bad but she has pulmonary fibrosis and any type of aerosol is bad 4 her much less caustic oven cleaner. Now she has a cough, headache and feels like crap. If she isn't better guess we'll be going to the dr. So you will find - good days, bad days but alot of love, comfort and the occasional laugh here!!
Oh anon, it sounds like you are writing my story!! This is the same thing that happened with my Mom. I know exactly how overwhelmed you must feel taking over your Mom's finances. I was the same way. Don't worry. You will figure out a routine and then it all will become so easy. Get yourself a an expandable filing notebook with a lot of partitions. Then label them. I kept all of Mom's finances in there and left a trail in case my sister ever though I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. I wrote the check number on each statement and filed them and seperating the ones that were deductables for year end taxes. I had a space for the bank statements, etc. It worked out great once I developed my own system. You'll find yours and it won't be as overwhelming. Good luck! Sending you big hugs for a great day! Tizzy
lharper2006, My Dad developed idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis about 7 years ago. Drs said a year & 1/2 & almost to the day, he was gone. I miss that man. I feel the longer I live the more I think Dad hid from me just how bad he felt some days. The man should have been a doctor himself. Never have I met a more compassionate soul. Take care!
What is idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis? and sorry for your loss. My Mom has never been given a diagnosis time frame - per se. At her last appt. she was at the same place as she was in Jan. so that is good - she hasn't lost anymore lung function - but alot of it had to di w/her living less than 1/2 a blk away from an oil well that released h1n1 gas daily. I moved her here and so she is no longer forced to breath that horrible air.
I ditto the question - what is IPF? I suppose I could go and look it up.....so sorry to hear that your Dad suffered like that.
Do you mean Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis? It is a disease of inflammation that results in scarring, or fibrosis, of the lungs. In time, this fibrosis can build up to the point where the lungs are unable to provide oxygen to the tissues of the body.
Oh Gatfly thank you for your kind sympathy about my Dad. In case you didn't catch it I was & am a 'daddy's girl!' Very few expressions of sympathy have been made to me about my Dad as I have always been the 'strong one' in the family. I took immediate possession of caring for my Mom upon his death in Nov. of 2006. She had major surgery the following spring & I moved her while she was in recovering & healing. She then stopped trying to live in Oct. of 2009 & died last Oct. While all of that was going on my DH is continuing to have heart issues & I knew even without a diagnosis he had some form of dementia. My grown daughters have been a Godsend to & for me through it all & I could not have done it without them! So now that I have vented once again let me say thank you. Your kindness
I was also a daddy's girl racegal. I lost my dad to COPD nearly 4 years ago. I was with him when he passed. I still have the urge to pick up the phone and call him and then I remember....... I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It's awful to watch them struggle to breathe.
Your kindness is so wonderful for me. And yes tpandk tha's exactly what happened to Daddy. My daughter & were holding him when he died & I miss him everyday.
"idiopathic" means they don't know what causes it.
Dearest Tizzy, It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I was never able to talk to my Mom about him as she missed him so & I knew she could no longer help me with my feelings. I was also mourning the loss of her as the Mom I had always known. She was here but not, you know? I couldn't talk to my oldest as she was so very close to Dad & it hurt her to talk about him. My youngest wouldn't let me talk about him or my feelings about it & she was having major issues with a sick child at the time. I know I have never really grieved for Dad. I did most of my grieving for Mom while I cared for her. And now all of this with DH. I am sure one day I will get the opportunity to grieve. Thanks for understanding.
Grieving is hard and it is work! We all grieve in different ways too. Not being able to voice your feelings must have been really hard for you. The hardest thing I've ever done was to bury my son. That was 19 years ago and I still miss him every day. A very kind person suggested a support group at her church for people who have lost a child no matter the age. She even went with me the first time. It was the best thing I could have ever done. I sure am getting tired of saying good-bye. I've lost 3 family members in four years plus a beloved cousin nearly 2 years ago. You ever need to talk, you let me know, okay? Warm hugs coming your way...... Tizzy
Feel the love.....
You know Tizzy, my grandmother used to say that. I've got to take a dish over to so & so's house, they lost her dad, or his mom, or their aunt, etc. And then she would say, 'sometimes I get tired of saying goodbye. But you know he, she was so old!' I would say 'really?' 'How old?' And it would turn out they were younger than my grandmother! I miss her too. I think I have been so fortunate because since all of this began in 2004, my daughters & their children have carried me. Especially the 2 who live close. Those 2 grandbabies think I can do no wrong & that's fine by me. And then there is a teenage grandson who thinks I am way cool! So, sometimes when I'm a little blue I lean on my grands & they don't even know it! Thanks Tizzy!
Racegal, I' m so sorry to hear your story. This is never easy. My Dad died long ago, and I'm caring for Mom with Macular degeneration and very early Alz and DH with more advanced Alz. This is hard enough to juggle care for the two of them . I can't imagine what you have been through. You deserve those wonderful grandbabies!!!god bless.
I too have had to say good bye too many times. I lost my son my dad my sister and my late husband. You never quit missing them I guess because you keep them in your heart
so much pain, but so much hope, too - love you guys!!
I can't imagine burying a child. But Charlay you have endured enough Wish I could help.
I was very angry at the times it happened. When my Mom passed I was so angry to lose someone else I loved. I yelled at my Dr how much more do I have to lose before I am done. She told me maybe this is your last maybe not God picks people to take care of people that mayb wouldn't have the love that you could give. You are one of God's caretakers. That's why we all love each other we were picked by god to do what we do .
Yes, I do believe we were picked by God to take on this mission, we will prevail. Without all of you I couldn't make it through some days. Hugs to all:)
Oh Charlary, you just never know what someone else has or is enduring do you. I, like Magdelan cannot begin to imagine the loss & grief of your child. How horrendous. You just must be a an extemely special & gifted individual to have withstood all of this personal tragedy. When I begin to feel really lost or very blue it is wonderful people like you who keep me lifted up. You have survived & done it well I might add. I truly admire you & wish you much peace & joy!
It's also amazing how many of the caregivers on this site have lost children - the ultimate heartbreak, as far as I can tell. Makes the miscarriage that I had, and dealt with for too long, look like nothing.
What did I read...God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much!
Thank you for the kind words
Ohh, not so Gatfly! Those miscarriages also count! With a miscarriage you lose all your hopes and dreams for that child. It can be just as mind numbing as any other loss of a child. I've had 2 miscarriages and two tubal pregnancies by the time I was 21. That's why I only had the one child and he died in a car accident 26 years later. I had a hysterectomy at 33. And my butt is wide, wide, wide! You'd think I'd be excellent for childbearing!! Tizzy
Oh tizzy you have had it rough too. You love that baby from the time you know it is there. You talk to it you dream about what it is going to be you picture it's little face. Yes I think miscarriges have got to be just as traumatic. At least we that lost ours in an older age got to see them grow and got to see what lovley people they were. Oh yes miscarriages are a tragedy
Alzheimer's Symptoms: When's the Right Time for Medication?
How do u know when it's time to but someone on a medication for this dementia? My poor mom gets in these paranoid states looking for her checkbook, she hides everything because she doesn't trust anyone, so sad :(
has she geen tested yet by a neurologist. that is the first thing. to get a diagnosis. from there the doctor will be able to make correct diagnosis of the disease that she has. keep checking this site out you will get some valuable tips and information from us as well as the caring people that run this web site. GOD BLESS YOU. we are happy you choose to join us.
Staryskies gave you excellent advice there.
My mother is exactly the same, only she hides everything, and has an obsession/fixation with her beanie hat and gloves. "Where's me hat and gloves?" is a constant question in my house. She doesn't want me to leave the house because the world out there is full of rapists and murderers. It's very sad to have this paranoia brought on by dementia, that's correct.
I agree, until you have a diagnoses, you won't be able to start her on any medication. But, I wouldn't wait. If she is ALZ, it won't get better. There is no cure but there are meds that can slow the process and help both of you deal with the symptoms. God bless you both.
A visit to the neuuro. Dr. Tell him moms paranoid states. My husband takes Zoloft for angzity and paranoia. It has helped. The dementia medicines usually doesn't help with the paranoia. At least it didn't help my husband.Welcome to the group I hope we are of some help. Millie
welcome A/C - aw, pick a name - it's easier to keep track that way! The gals have all given you good advice. hugs to you!!
Welcome A/C - yes - you need to get to the neurro dr to get the testing done and get some medication - o cure - but they say it might slow it down and there are meds for the other symptoms. A wealth of knowledge here though!! Hugs and God Bless
Sue822
my mom started with the hiding things a couple of years ago. she used to demand that the car documents be kept in her purse, of course i had to keep them in the car. she took them and put them in her purse on day without my knowledge. it wasnt until i got pulled over and no proof of anything. i ended up taking her with me to court and they explained it to her. after a few years of these behaviors i ended up calling her family doc and they put her on a small dose of meds for anxiety. it does help, i just wish i recognized the signs back then. things did get worse. until the anxiety medss she was actually demanding that our house be burnt down and wanted a new one built,lol. funny to hear, but it was really upsetting her, and raising her blood pressure. i hope things work out for you, and you have found a great place here. keep your chin up. better days are comming soon.
My mom hid at least 2 checkbooks we never did find. Just had to start a new one. She hid them so no one would find them and take her money. Then she hid 2 savings books. After the last time I couldn't find it I didn't get any more. They send her a statement every month. She doesn't worry about that anymore. As they say, This to shall pass.
Are you sure that you and I are not related to the same mother? My mom will hide her purse, lose it, we find it only to find out that she hide the wallet in a different place. Last time it took us 2 1/2 weeks to find it. At least I now have possession of the checkbook so we know where that is. I do her bills now, or should I say, we do the bills together and she still signs the checks but I have the checkbook. So far, it seems to be working.
What is it with Alz patients that they feel like they are being scammed and everyone is trying to rip them off as well as they have no money? My MIL was that same way - and now DH husband feels that way also?? Any ideas gals & guys????
Sue922
I think maybe it has something to do with the feeling of having lost control - "I need to control this - and I can only do that if no one can find my money!" just an idea......
losing independence is HUGE as ppl deteriorate, especially as the brain function is lost. i just read in my human disease book from school that the brain ATROPHY'S with ALZ. scary to me. cant even imagine what ma and everyone else with this is going through.
I just can't imagine when the time comes and he has to be told he cannot drive anymore!!!! I will just take one day at a time!!!
Sue922
Thanks for all your comments, we took mom home after dinner only to have her neighbor call us because mother went next door crying saying "we just stole her wallet". We went back to calm her down and she was very hateful telling us that we stole it & it was a mess. i called her doctor he advised us to call an EMS if we dont get her to calm down? FINALLY 30 minutes later we found her wallet she had hid, then threw us literally, saying we planted it there :( THANK GOD the neighbor said she will stay for a bit! Ugh! This is so hard!!!!!
so sorry for the rough time you had today, Angel! hugs!
hope things will wok out for you so sorry.hope she has been diagnosed by a good neurologist hope you have a restful night.
I asked my husband's regular doctor for the mini mental exam and I also had kept a log of all the strange things that were going on with my husband. He put him on medication which have helped somewhat. Before he was on meds there was a couple of times when he didn't know who I was.
I would say the sooner the better if they are having problems.
Thank you all :)
Hugs to you Angel48195
Sue922
hope things are better with you angel stary
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