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How do I tell my 16 year old that I am dying?

A fellow caregiver asked...

How do I tell my near 16yr old that I am going to die? I'm a single mom with no family to speak of. We have a friend who will take her, and she likes the friend, but I'm her only family, with exception of a couple elderly aunts on the other coast.

Expert Answer

Martha Clark Scala has been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1992, with offices in Palo Alto and San Francisco, California. She regularly writes about grief and loss, the necessity of self-care, and substance abuse. Her e-newsletter, "Out on a Limb," is available to subscribers through her website.

No matter what you say and when you say it, this conversation is likely to be difficult. However, it is a conversation that needs to happen sooner rather than later. Consider first telling your 16 year-old what it is that makes your death imminent. (For example, "I have cancer." or "I have an inoperable tumor." or "I have emphysema.") Allow your 16-year old to integrate this information first. She may immediately jump to the follow-up question, "Does this mean you're going to die?" If the only truthful answer is yes, tell the truth.

If your daughter does not immediately ask if it means you're going to die, you might be more comfortable revealing this in stages. That way, she first absorbs the information that you are seriously ill—and then you have the opportunity to tell her the ultimate consequence. If you've been given an estimate of how much longer you have to live, it's important to share this. Since you have a friend who is willing to take over caring for your daughter, you might want to consider asking the friend to participate in this disclosure. Or, since the friend knows your daughter, ask for the friend's assistance as you prepare for this challenging conversation.

If there is a social worker on the team of professionals caring for you, perhaps he or she could help you plan for this conversation, or be available for a family session to help process the big emotions that could surface for both of you when you do this.

Finally, make sure your wishes for the friend to assume guardianship of your daughter are made explicitly clear via legal documentation, such as naming your preference in your will. A judge will still have to formerly approve the choice as being in your daughter’s best interest, but your written wishes are likely to be honored.