How do we explain to my mom, who has Alzheimer's, that she cannot bring all of her household items when moving in with my brother?
First, you need to look at this from your mother's point of view. Most of us would never choose to move in with family when we have been independent, even if it is for our own good. Many people, as they grow older, worry that all the things they have worked hard for will be thrown away or devalued by their children. Your mother may feel that she agreed to give up her home (probably not her first choice) and now her kids want her to give away all her possessions too. While this is not strictly accurate that may be how it feels to her.
Is there some compromise possible? What about finding a storage locker or someplace where some boxes of things can be stored? Help her choose the things she is most attached to and tell her that they will be kept. Are there a few things that could be used in the rest of the house, even if they are not needed?
One thing to keep in mind is that people with dementia do not always have the ability to be logical about things. You and your brother may be trying to reason with her in ways that she can't really comprehend or retain. If your primary goal is to have her live in his house, then you have to bend a little here and there probably. She is trying hard to retain some control of her life. She may very well decide it is not worth it, if she feels that she is losing all control.
It can be very difficult to have someone with Alzheimer's living with a family, even in their own quarters. If there are problems already, you and your brother may need to have a backup plan.
Hi Michelle,
It would be helpful to know what the current status of her house is. Has it been sold? Rented? Or was she a renter to begin with?
My father died five years ago. It was immediately apparent my mother had early stage Alzheimer's and could no longer live alone in her home of 56 years.
I stayed in her home with her for four months after the funeral, increasingly stressing she'd soon need to begin making difficult changes. She, of course, wanted to stay "home," while I suggested "moving" as a "POSSIBILITY" she "might consider".
She finally agreed to "consider" it, and "we" decided the best approach was to start with a TRIAL visitation of SIX MONTHS at my brother's house.
It was to be more like a vacation with family than a move, but to prepare for this long-term absence from her house, we boxed up and stored most of her valuables. As we did this we talked about how wonderful her treasures were, and to whom she might one day wish to entrust each one. We made a list of all the items (all of which I described in glowing detail for the "list" making notes next to each as to possible recipients - with a "?" adjacent to each recipient's name - so as we worked, my mother would not feel like this was "the end.")
Then we selected and packed a few of her most cherished personal mementos to take with, so she would not be homesick - wedding album, framed photos, decorative wall items, a few pieces of bed linen embroidered by her mother... she agreed to all of this happily and without question. We left the house furnished (sparsely and simply) for occasional visits home, and we left my mother's treasures securely boxed and stored in a locked storage room in the basement.
After a few months my mother forgot about everything we had boxed away (but I still had "the list" for future use.) The VISIT APPROACH turned out to be a stroke of genius, because it did not work out with my brother and his wife as caretakers. So, after the six months ended, the VISIT made a graceful exit possible. Now my mother lives with me and my family.
The main house is still rented to a distant cousin who is happy to let us occupy as much of the house as we need anytime we visit (3 times so far.) The house also has a tiny garden apartment which is home to a caretaker.
So my mom still considers herself to "live" at home. Her treasures are SAFE, her history and memories are SAFE... and all is well with the world.
Good luck!
Michelle!
One more thing - Something BETH SPENCER, the responding expert, said above...
"It can be very difficult to have someone with Alzheimer's living with a family, even in their own quarters. If there are problems already, you and your brother may need to have a backup plan."
This is VERY true, and my experience with my mother "visiting" at my brother's house proved this. Since then, my mother has done extremely well at MY house partly because SHE STILL THINKS OF HERSELF as VISITING! This leads her to behave like a GUEST. So she is on her BEST BEHAVIOUR at all times.
In light of this, something else occurs to me. Even WITHOUT Alzheimer's in the mix, NO home can be large enough to hold TWO MASTERS or MISTRESSES. Let your mother be the "honored guest," and it will help to keep her acting like one. The more "at home" your mother feels, the more likely she is to become TERRITORIAL about the entire house. This in turn will lead to increased AGGRESSION and troublesome behaviour.
If you can, box and store her belongings, LIMIT the items she can take there, and REMEMBER that more personal items WILL cause your mother to FEEL more CONFIDENT and DOMINANT in your brother's house, So tell her she needs to settle in first, and her things can be brought into the home little by little.
When my own mother complains and says "I'm supposed to be a member of this family, too." I always reply, Yes, Mom, you ARE a member of this family, AND you are our MOST HONORED guest..."
Transforms her - instantly!
Good luck.
