How do my sister and I come to an agreement about whether my parents should move to an assisted living facility?
My mother is having an increasing number of mobility issues, and my father is her primary caregiver. My sister wants them to go into an assisted living facility immediately, because she thinks the burden is getting to be too much for my dad. My parents have no interest in moving, and my dad says he likes taking care of my mother. I feel the decision is up to them. Still, my sister is angry with them for refusing to consider it -- and furious at me for not backing her up. Am I right or is she -- and is there any way to resolve the issue?
Expert Answer
The struggle between siblings over their aging parents never comes down to right or wrong. It always involves a clash of agendas that quickly degenerates into a battle of wills. In most cases, both adult children have a valid point of view about how to deal with their aging parents.
In my experience, the best place to start is by talking with your parents. What do they want? If you and your sister ignore the need for your parents to retain some element of control in their lives, you'll wind up seeing your best-laid plans vaporize as one good idea after another is rejected.
Does this mean that you're right in this case? Yes and no. Yes, in that you understand how important the issue of control is for your parents. At the same time, your sister has a point when she argues that your parents may not be able to "age in place" indefinitely. Your family needs a backup plan for the day when your parents can no longer manage on their own. The solution may not be assisted living, however. Rather, it may be extensive in-home services, if that's what your parents prefer and can afford.
I recommend that in a quiet moment when your parents aren't there, you let your sister know that you want to be her ally in taking care of your parents as they age. Make sure she understands that while you think they're OK for now, you share her concern about their long-term living situation. Suggest that you both sit down with your parents and encourage them to develop a backup plan. Remember that your parents are more likely to be receptive if you let them take the lead in the decision-making process. Your whole family will feel better if you have a backup plan in place -- which should make your family-get-togethers a lot more enjoyable.