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Am I being selfish and self centered by wanting to keep mom with me as long as possible?

Goshtonya asked...

I have had my mother living with me for 3 1/2 years and she has alzheimer's. I have been told that it has progressed quite a bit. She is in the hospital behavorial care unit. She has been in there since Tuesday April 5th and not one doctor has talked to me about her condition. We wanted her put in so maybe they could get her meds right. Now they are putting her on ablify, which concerns me because I have heard that it is not recomended for dementia patients, and can cause early death in alzheimer's patients. I am also being told that I need to put my mom in an alzheimer's facility. I do not want to put my mom in any place, I feel that she took care of me and now it is time for me to take care of her. I have a very close friend that lives with us and takes care of my mom when I have to work. Am I being selfish and self centered by wanting to keep her with me as long as possible?

Expert Answer

Joanne Koenig Coste is a nationally recognized expert on Alzheimer's care and an outspoken advocate for patient and family care. She is the author of Learning to Speak Alzheimer's. Also, she currently is in private practice as an Alzheimer's family therapist. Ms. Koenig Coste also serves as President of Alzheimer Consulting Associates, implementing state-of-the-art Alzheimer care throughout the United States.

Keeping a loved one at home is often beneficial to both the patient and the caregiver. However, there are several questions you may want to ask yourself to be sure this is the best arrangement for your particular situation. 1. Will you be able to care for your mom as the disease progresses into the final stage. That is, are you prepared for bathing, feeding, and incontinence that accompanies the late stages of 24/7 total care? 2. Is mom receiving appropriate social interaction in your home setting? 3. Is her leisure time being filled with activities designed for AD-folk? 4. Are you safe from 'burnout'? Check on this site for a wonderful list of ways to recognize burnout. If the answers to these questions are all 'yes', then certainly you can feel comfortable keeping mom in your home.

If you are the Health Care Proxy, then you can speak loudly and clearly on mom's behalf. Do express your concerns about Abilify to the physician at the Hospital Behavioral Unit. If he believes this to be the drug of choice for mom, then you may want to accept this decision. If you remain uncomfortable with the prescribing of Abilify, then do request another medication.

Be sure to take care of YOU!