My husband, who has dementia, is refusing to do anything for himself- how do I handle this?
My husband at age 65 was diagnosed with early stage of dementia. That was almost 2 years ago. He is home and now the latest is he doesn't want to do anything for himself. He is a big guy and his answer to everything is "I can't". He is a diabetic, has asthma and has a problem walking. I am 63 and have become very angry. How do I handle this?
Expert Answer
Dementia caregivers like yourself often express that understanding their spouses' progressive behavior changes can be challenging. They often are confused whether a change like a spouse refusing to help himself reflects that he can no longer perform that specific task or that his reluctance is intentional and a call for attention. Whatever the cause, these episodes can cause caregiver anger and frustration.
Nurturing independence for persons with dementia is important but it is equally necessary to know what capabilities your husband retains so your expectations are realistic. His response of "I can't" infers he was asked to do something or was given a suggestions to perform an act. His resistance could mean he didn't understand the communication or his inability to organize the steps to initiate action. This is very common to frontal lobe dementia as well as moderate stages of other dementias. Performing familiar acts like ambulating or taking ones pills require organized thinking.
Sometimes using a more tactile and less verbal approach can be helpful. Thus, if you want him to go outside with you, you would offer his outer garment to him to trigger the action. If you want him to get dressed, you would prepare his clothes and then assist as needed. If the task is more complex, you would need to break it down into more manageable steps to see what he can do autonomously.
Understanding your husband's present stage of dementia might lessen your frustration. A good article to read is the description of the Clinical Stages of Alzheimer's Disease {www.alzinfo.org>Alzheimer's Symptoms}. If there is a local Alzheimer's Support Group for younger spouses like yourself, you could hear how others manage a wide range of dementia behaviors.