Am I doing the right thing by telling dad that mom is out and will be back soon, even though she died last week?
My parents have been married for 63 years and had a wonderful marriage - did everything together. My dad started losing his memory about 5 years ago - short term memory. Six months ago my mom came down with ALS and she died last week. My dad never recognized that she was ill and doesn't remember she has passed. He asked me every day a few times a day - where is mom? When is she coming home? I told him she was staying with her sister and he said he wants to call her...now I tell him she is on a trip to Ireland with her sister and can't use the phone...I can't have him grieving her loss every time he asks since he doesn't remember her illness or death...am I doing the right thing by keeping up the premise that she is out and will be back soon?
Expert Answer
Yes.
Although it is hard for us to lie, realize that your father would not be asking repeatedly if he remembered that his wife had died.
You are right not to make him suffer by reliving his loss. When we lie with good intentions--This does sound strange, doesn't it?--to a person with memory loss, we do what is called therapeutic lying. By doing so, we reduce one's unnecessary suffering.
The way you are handling it is exactly the way you should.
When you run out of ideas, add this approach.
Reminisce about your childhood memories with him.
"Dad, remember ________ ?"
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"I remember when Mom used to ________ ."
Tell me about the time when you and Mom ________ ."
These diversionary measures will postpone your dad's need to see his wife or talk with her. Plus, recalling memories such as these will be good for both of you.
P.S. How sad to lose your mom so quickly and to ALS. Yet, how miraculous that she didn't suffer long. The average life expectancy of a person with ALS is 2-5 years according to the ALS Association