Should I have to give up my life to help my mother and grandmother?
Stop and think: How many years did you feel trapped being Cared for By your mother? Now you feel trapped caring for your mother and your grandmother.
Any time you feel trapped by caring, stop and take a breath. Picture yourself in a cage. Feel the bars of that prison.
Are you trapped by guilt? Is the guilt sharp like the bars of the cage? Is it cold? What color is your guilt? How does it smell? Can you taste it?
Make friends with your guilt. Think about how fortunate you are to have identified your problem. Appreciate your intelligence.
You are not trapped by caring for your mother. You are trapped by your own mind. Try to find some help. You indicate that your funds may be too low to find a counselor. If so, start with these suggestions.
- If you are a member of a church, ask your minsister for help.
- Try to find a caregiver support group. Get a referral from the Area Agency on Agiing
- Try going to al-anon meetings. It is free and they are good at working with family relationships
- Find a meditation group. Meditation can be a gentle and effective way to make friends with yourself.
- As you feel better about yourself, the goodness will spread to your mother.
- Starting with yourself is most effective. You won't feel trapped by caring for your mother.
- Soon you will be ready to explore creating a care team or a circle of care so that the task of caring for your grandmother is spread around.
- Instead of giving up your life, you will be taking a beneficial fresh start.
UPDATE:
My response above has created a great deal of discussion. I would like to add more information so that readers are clear on my meaning. Feeling trapped by caregiving is a very common feeling. I sometimes felt trapped when I was caring for my father. I loved him so much and sometimes I felt he demanded too much from me. Over time I began to see that my guilt at not being able to help in the way that he wanted was just that: guilt. I needed to work with my mind. I got some counseling and also attended a support group for awhile. It was especially hard as I was a professional and felt that I should know what to do. That’s why I wanted to offer advice to the woman who sent in this question, who indicated a lack of funds to find help for herself.
I have always felt that ONE person should not have to be burdened with care, although many are. They say it takes “a village to raise a child.” For someone who is old and at the end of life it takes even more. The reason it takes more is that elders often do not want help except from family. Because it is often a thankless job, we as caregivers need to find ways to appreciate ourselves for the care and compassion we give. My desire is that this questioner will find a way to let go of her guilt and find others to help her care for her family. But she needs a helping hand.
There are many more ways to find help than those I suggested. Many of the people who answered gave excellent suggestions. Also, if your community has an Area Agency on Aging, they will be able to direct you to other resources. This web site as well as others have chat rooms where you can communicate with others in a similar situation. Most hospitals can suggest support groups and connect with people with county services.
I can totally relate to this poster. I live with my grandmother, and am her primary caretaker. It is very frustrating!
I understand the guilt. I keep trying to move out, but who will take care of her? She is completely home-ridden, except for when mom takes her to her doctor appointment.
She is also a control freak, and emotionally and verbally abusive. She's always been that way.
See about counseling....some places have a sliding scale fee. It helped me a lot.
One thing I have to disagree with in the original response is this:
"How many years did you feel trapped being Cared for By your mother? "
First: Her mother made a choice to bring a child into the world. I don't think the granddaughter made a choice to be burdened with the responsibility of financially taking care of Mom and Grandma.
I keep saying....my grandmother, my mom...they both got to live their lives as they wanted. Me...I'm stuck taking care of a bitter old woman who never wanted me born in the first place.
Not to be harsh re Ann Cason's response, but too many times adult children are advised that caring for their elderly parent or grandparent is the equivalent of being taken care of as a child. This is simply not true--there is no such equivalence. Many people were raised NOT by loving attentive parents but by indifferent, harsh, selfish parents who did a poor job caring for them even as an infant. Being old and in need of care does not automatically make a person a saint. Being a parent does not mean your children "owe" you no matter how ugly and uncooperative you may have been all your life. Professionals--please give your readers a break and refrain from the "she cared for you when you were a baby" nonsense. My family and I have cared, willingly, for 3 terminally ill adults and one grandparent who lived past 100 and did this for decades and with love. But NONE of us would ever suggest to OTHER families that this is appropriate FOR THEM. It depends. I empathize with the granddaughter whose mom won't contribute to her own finances. There is nothing wrong with this mom. If this middle aged woman chooses to care full time for her own mother, okay. She needs to apply for welfare for herself and her elderly mother and let her kids contribute what they can. They did not make her choice, she made her choice. No one is "obligated" to help her. I do know people who felt trapped and in fact they WERE trapped by someone else's selfishness. This was a reality not a state of mind. A major issue for caregivers is that if you choose a course of action, you don't get to make decisions for the rest of your family--as much as you would like to. This is not fair to them. They have a choice not to financially support your choice if they are unable to. (Alternately, we all know many well off adult children who won't lift a finger--despicable, but an entirely different topic.) Again, I have a life time of personal experience in caregiving and have also seen as many caregivers make dumb but well-intentioned mistakes as good ones. I don't know anyone who has quit her/his job with no visible means of support (and without enthusiastic family contributions) who has not created chaos for their family. Loving care comes from willing contributions not manipulation. "Trapped" should consider moving out and giving her mom a chance to make a more thought through plan.
I, too, struggle with that line between giving and sacrifice.
After my father died, I quit my job to care for my mother who has Alzheimer's. First problem, loss of my income. In these economic times that has been a big hit for my family.
Fortunately, my children are pretty much on their own, but I still have a husband that I see, if I'm lucky, three days a week, more often it's two days a week. I spend most of the week with my mother at her home because she is more comfortable there and frankly it is easier to manage her there. When I take her to my house for the weekend, it is very difficult for her. I understand that the transitions we make during a given week are difficult for her to handle and are confusing and scary. But I have to get to my house to take care of the chores my husband can't get to while he's trying to work and care for his own 88-year-old mother.
Secondly, there are some people that just aren't made to be caregivers. I'm afraid I might be one of those people. However, I'm an only child, the only available caregiver. The finances aren't there to allow for a great deal of outside care. Last time I had someone stay with my mother so my husband and I could go see our children it cost $128 for eight hours. My mother doesn't have the funds to pay for that kind of care at length, and my husband and I certainly don't either.
The question is where is that line between giving and sacrifice? My husband has been incredibly supportive, but how long can I expect him to remain so? He is overburdened with trying to hold onto a job so he can support us, manage our home basically on his own as well as try to manage his mother.
At what point are we sacrificing our marriage and relationship? Yes, I've told myself all that about I should be happy to care for my mother because she cared for me. And I do want to make sure her last years are as good as they possibly can be. But I'm worn out, stressed out and there is no timetable for when this job might end. And saying that makes me feel quilty. But I'm afraid the stress is going to get me first and then I'll leave this situation for my husband and children. The thought of that just kills me.
I very much relate to the end of your post, about no time-table for this job to end.
When we have a job we don't like, we can look for another, and know there is an end in site.
But when we do the care-giving/Family Slave thing.....I don't know, I get pretty depressed reading about people turning 93, 99, 107....argh! Even people like Michael Vick knows there is an end to their prison sentence and have an idea of when it is.....
I feel bad saying that, but yes...sometimes care-giving does feel like being in prison.
I took my cue from the airlines. When they go over the saftey instruction, they tell us if there is a decrease in altitue, take the oxugen mask and put it over our own face, and THEN help someone else. You have to take care of yourself if you want to be of any help to someone else.
I am the full time care giver for my husband.
He has 2 sisters, a brother and a mom. I am the only one who is not free to work and this has been a financial hardship. Being the caregiver for a person with dementia places restrictions on one's ability to work and earn. He cannot be left alone. I am sacrificing my time and the money I could be making. I don't think that a grand daughter should be asked to contribute financially. But certainly sisters and brothers, as well as healthy parents should. Now that it's apparent that the situation is permanent, I need to find a solution. It's not fair to expect only one person to make these sacrifices. The solution they offered was to let my husband move in with the oldest sister. She would also become his Guardian. I would be left to fend for myself. As Guardian, she plans to disolve our marriage (he is now legally mentally incompetent), and sell our home. It is legal in some States for the Guardian to disolve a Wards marriage regardless of the wishes of the 2 participants. I would have no claim to any portion of the proceeds if our marriage was anaulled.
Anonymous....I would consult a lawyer ASAP. As your husbands wife - you likely have rights to become his Guardian, or to part of the money from the sale of the home.
If you have been taking care of him all this time, and likely put some equity into the home yourself, you deserve some of the proceeds from the sale.
I think you would need a Family Law attorney to advise you on this.
I understand to some degree how she feels. I am having to care for my grandparents because their only child, my mother, will not. She never even calls to see how things are going. I have a 16-year old son, and am also having to take care of my 5-year old grandson. My grandmother has demetia, my grandfather just got over pneumonia, they are both feeble, and my life has totally disappeared. My son and I had to give up our home, move into their home, and this is after losing my husband, my son's father, four years ago to an unexpected death. Some people just will not take their rightful place in the family. They just won't, and that makes it much harder on the ones who have to do what she should be doing. I resent it terribly. I was just managing some happiness after losing my husband unexpectedly. Now I've had to put my healing on hold, all because someone else is too selfish to do what they should be doing. I just wonder if she'll find the time to come to their funerals. Cause she sure don't even have time to make a phone call right now. By the way, my mother is single, she has no children, it's only her. Like I said, I fight resentment to the core of my heart. This is the 3rd Sunday in a row I could not make church. My mother doesn't even go to church. I've gone for 16 years. What in the world has happened to my life. I swear, if one more person tells me God will bless me for what I'm doing I think I will scream. I don't care about the future, I want my "right now" back, enjoying life day 2 day. But, not going to be, at least not right now. What scares me, I read somewhere that 30% of the caregivers die before the one they are caring for does. I hope there is a life for me after this is over.
Anonymous CCC Member's answer is wonderful.
She says it like it is AND grants that others are not like her. Her remark to "Professionals - ..." is very on point.
Some of us just weren't so lucky, and those platitudes actually foster an undeserved feeling of guilt.
Bless you, thank you, for your understanding.
huh? Dissolution is Divorce. A marriage annulment is a legal procedure that dissolves a couple's marital status by establishing that a valid marriage never existed. In effect, it nullifies the marriage, returning the parties to their prior single status. It's a common misconception that short marriages can be annulled, but the length of the marriage is not a qualifying factor. Generally, for a marriage to be declared invalid, one of the following grounds for annulment must be met:
•One or both parties were not old enough to enter the marriage contract;
•There exists a close blood relationship between the parties;
•One party was still legally married when the current marriage occurred;
•One party was impotent and unable to consummate the marriage;
•One of the spouse's didn't have the mental capacity to enter into a marriage contract. (i.e. due to drunkenness or mental disability)
•One of the spouses entered into the marriage under duress, threat, or force.
•The marriage was entered into fraudulently. This may be due to the concealment of impotence, criminal history, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.
To get an annulment, a person first needs to meet the residency requirements of the state that they live in. The annulment procedure is similar to that of a standard divorce, so it's best to seek the advice of an attorney before your proceed.
Juno; Thank you for your response. Yes,- I should have used the word 'annulment' when I said that the sisters who have offered to be my husband's Care givers/Guardians live in a State where the Guardian has the legal right to annul the marriage of the Ward. They sought to move my husband to their State, thus establishing his residency and Guardianship there.
I was and am totally opposed to having a sister-in-law annul my marriage - even if I am exhausted by being the sole care giver. However, in their State, should they succeed in becoming Guardian and moving my husband, the Guardian has the legal right to annul the marriage regardless of the wishes of either spouse.
An annulment would leave me with no rights to any of our marital property. The new Guardian would have the right to sell our home, use the proceeds for the upkeep of my husband (Ward), and I would be without my husband AND a home to live in. As his new Guardian, the SSDI check would also go into a payee account that she would control. In our State, the spouse has a recognized right to support, which can be Court ordered if need be. If the marriage were annulled - regardless of the State, not only would I be without marital property that took years to accumulate, but I would be without any support. Any spouse/caregiver in a similar situation with a Guardianship in place, needs to become knowledgeable of the laws in their State - and the State that the Ward/spouse may be moved to.
Re a personal update that readers may find interesting. Last month, my husband collapsed from a stroke and entered the hospital.
His Alzheimer's/Dementia has advanced and all his doctors say he cannot live safely at home anymore. He is presently in a skilled facility and I am applying for medicaid long term care coverage. If the original poster cannot care for her grandmother - emotionally or financially, she may need to check out Medicaid LTC. There is rarely a happy answer when a loved one cannot be cared for at home as previously.
Well, to put some ...lets say...lightness on the subject.. I do not have a clue! Call a good attorney! All, I know is never judge anyone else unless you have walked in thier shoes!
I love my grandmother more than my own mother. I want to do what ever I can to help. Her older daughter{my aunt} and I have been attempting to do it and we have been helping but I dont think it has been enough. Gmas loosing her mind. We need help. What do I do?
This fine line is crazy! I am making plans of my own to take care of myself by myself! I don't want to do this to my kids! I want to "make arrangements" to die before I become such a pain in the a** to my kids. This is too much! Guilt, fear, anger, dissapointment...the list goes on. Sure there are some good days, but I can only lead a horse to water...I can't make him drink it! I am NOT the best person for this job, but I am the only one she would want. The lieing and mental manipulations as well as the selective memory is nuts! How you all keep going is beyond me, and I have been doing this for only 4 months! How does one hang on?
Hcarey...
I've been doing it for 6 long years.
My mom had to move in to help take care of my grandmother. 4 months into it, and she's almost walked out a few times now.
The old woman has never been a nice person, and now she is even worse. She has no consideration for anyone else; the verbal and emotional abuse is worse. She's more demanding than an army Drill Sergent could ever be. Leave her alone for an hour and pray she doesn't answer the phone - she almost had mom's friend come to help her to the bathroom, whined about how we'd left her to go eat.
She got mad at me for just having to pee the other morning. 2 minutes in the bathroom and I ruined her entire day and inconvienced her.
We keep hoping she will pass on. She's so mean though that even Hell doesn't want her.
My b/f and I have discussed things - if we ever get to the point she is physically - nursing home.
I am the sole caregiver for my 92-year-old mother. I am an only child with no husband or children. My mother's surviving siblings are all older as well and have their own problems. It's all up to me. I have no "circle" of help. My mother suffers from severe arthritis and can no longer walk, so I have to "transfer" her from chair to car, etc. I am a small person, and I have a bad back, so it isn't easy.
We are lifelong church members, and I take my mother to church every week. But my church members, especially my pastor, would be no help to us, so I don't understand why someone would suggest that.
Until you have taken care of a person full-time by yourself, you will never ever understand. Most caregivers I know have someone to relieve them now and then. Not me.
I do all kinds of things I enjoy. I love my TV and computer. I play piano, quilt, do embroidery, exercise, read -- and, yes, meditate. I like myself just fine, so getting in touch with my mind and spirit isn't the problem.
I can leave my mother alone long enough to go to the grocery store and choir practice, but if I wanted to go out for the evening or -- heaven forbid -- on a day outing, forget it. I have to take her along or stay at home. I do take her places, but she gets very tired and starts to hurt if she has to sit in her wheelchair for more than an hour or so.
The person who said some people are not cut out to be caregivers was absolutely correct. I never ever would have invisioned myself doing the jobs I do every day. I am constantly told that I'm doing a good job, and I always say, "No, I'm not." To me, this is a dreadful way to live, if you can call it that.
Trapped? Prison? House arrest? Yes, that pretty much describes it. Sometimes it gets to me very badly.
I am a retired teacher, and most of my life I was very busy and creative. I need to be around people on a regular basis. My mother is a sweet lady and we get along great, but for my own well-being, I need to do something outside my home. I am only 60 years old, but I look much younger and am in excellent health. I am wasting away here when I should be doing all the things I worked so hard for and dreamed of doing at this age.
I don't have any answers for you. If I did, I'd have them for myself as well.
But I will say that I am offended by people who tell me how "blessed" I am to have the opportunity to care for my mother the way she cared for me. It's not the same thing AT ALL, and they don't have a clue what they're talking about.
Edited to add: Yes, I have consulted an attorney. Yes, I have met with doctors. Yes, I have taken classes. Yes, I have read books on the subject. No, I am not angry or resentful, and I am just fine with God. I was merely giving the asker of the question support in knowing that she was not alone. Sometimes there are no answers. You just have to take it a day at a time. Caregiving is not easy.
And I might add that in every book, article, or TV segment I have encountered regarding caregiving (including a Fearless Caregiver's conference I attending in 2005), the number one rule always stated is "take care of yourself first." If the caregiver is broken down, sick, depressed, stressed out, discouraged, or unhappy, he/she cannot give proper care to anyone. Everyone suffers. And that's not whining, my friend. That's just stating a fact.
WOW! My heart griefs as I read the anger, bitterness, and resentment in the above posts. I also care for my mother. I am an only child. My daddy passed away 7 years ago and we took my mom in (figuring she would go soon after because of the love she had for my father) My three girls were always there when my husband and I went away overnight. Anyway, my husband was transferred three hours away from 'home' so now we have no one to help up. I was feeling so much of what everyone was saying above...it was all about me and what I was missing. I am sorry, but my mom DID take care of me when I was a child...and I was a very sick child. She and my dad sacrificed so much...
Anyway...I wonder how many of you truly have God in your life. (Just going to church every week does NOT count. I did that for 30 + years). I amt talking about a personal relationship with Him. Now I am not saying everything will change and be all rosy and wonderful, but I will tell you from experience....you will never be able to get through it without Him. Even then, it can be tough. As I said, I was feeling resentment big time...because of mom, we were limited to go see the kids and grandkids (one child lives 5 hours away) because mom couldn't be left alone overnight. It was really get bad when I realized I was trying to get through all this on my own (without leaning on God) so I had a talk with God. I asked Him to change my heart and attitude...to let me show the love to her that He has...And He answered my prayers...my circumstances haven't changed...but my attitude has.
Three days ago the Dr. told us she has lung cancer. The realization that she won't be here forever and that soon I will have my life back has hit me full on....and let me tell you...I am taking every moment I can with her because it could be the last. It is so sad however that it took cancer to make me fully wake up and realize that my current situation will not last forever. I was supposed to head out this weekend (husband staying home to be with mom) to spend it with my grandkids) but mom isn't doing well since the biopsy so I am staying home. I have no resentment or bitterness...with love comes sacrifice...that goes with any 'love' relationship...marriage, kids, etc.
As I am looking back over all the posts, I realize this answer is more for all the 'other' answers and not for 'Anonymous'. You don't give any ages...which can make a big difference. Is your mom old enough to get SS? While that may not be enough to 'live' on, it would definitely help. I feel bad for you being the 'granddaughter' trying to take care of both mother and grandmother, but I applaud you for stepping up to do it. (many selfish people would just walk away)
Your grandmother should also get SS. You don't indicate to what degree you grandmother needs care. Could she be left alone for a few hours while your mom would work, or must she have someone there 24/7? If so, would it be a possibility that you and your sister could take turns being with your grandma while your mom worked? There are a few other options, but without knowing the entire situation, it's hard to offer advice. I guess the biggest thing I would suggest would be to sit and have a heart to heart with your mother. Tell her your true feelings about the situation and that it can not continue to go on. Put your foot down in a stern but loving way. Just as parents sometimes have to use 'tough love' with kids...occasionally the kids need to use it with parents. The best of luck to you. I will pray for you and your family.
OK folks this "poor pitiful me" is whining. Blood ties do not make you the answer. If you have not taken classes, have a collection of reference books, made extra doctors appointments to better understand and get professional advice you are not care taking. Finances seem to be the underlying issue. I hear I'm owed, I want money or recognition or something. What are your real reasons for being a care taker? My Grandmother took care of her older relatives. Mom took care of Grandma. I gave up my bedroom for three years when I was a kid so we could make sure Grandma would not wander. I am now taking care of Mom. My father died caring for Mom, because he would not educate himself and he refused help. He said he was so worried if anyone else was involved it would make Mom worse. Dad was a fixer, everyone called him to perform magic. Mom can not be fixed. She has a desease. His unwillingness to look at Moms situation allowed the house to be almost condemned, because of hoarding. He ruined his finances. He died rather then admit he could not do it right! He could not let go (the control issue). When I took over I did three things. 1st finances, with any business there is the black and red ink figures. 2nd with any business there are Health and Safety codes, learn them and use them. 3rd there is your client. There is a reason for all actions. Take yourself and your emotions out of the equation and study the facts. I have asked older relatives that knew Mom when she was just a child. I have researched a number of issues and tried several different strategies and people. I also made a list of "my limits" and stick to them. Nothing is perfect. Mom is actually happier and healthier for her stage in the desease, and she is now in the black with finances. I have been called cold hearted and arrogant at times but I am open and honest and ready for any type of scrutany. Just like the desease, solutions rarely happen over night.
You don't mention how old you, Mom and Grandma are. If your mom is providing most of the care for her mother who I assume is over 65, she is eligible for funds the state makes available to caregivers who provide in-home care to a relatives. Here in Oregon it can be over $1000 a month, which should help out a bit. You need to contact the state elder/disability department for more info. Additionally, Mom and Grandma are most likely eligible for Food Stamps, which is generally over $200/month for one person. This is not charity, I have no doubt that your Mom and Grandma were productive citizens and paid their taxes year after year, so go on down and apply. There is no stigma either. This economy has placed many in a poverty position that never dreamed it would happen to them.
I understand your feeling of being trapped. I was the sole caregiver for my dear mother for 8 years. I moved her into my home and adjusted my life to be able to be there for her 24/7. I had no respite care, it was just me, and only me. My brother who lives a state away (although his job brought him to this state frequently) let it be known that he and his wife would not be able to help financially or personally. He displayed an unhealthy interest in Mother's financial affairs and was very vocal about making this known to both of us. My mom died in October at the age of 88. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her sweet smile and gentle ways. I have not been able to quietly grieve for her passing however, as my brother launched an investigation into "elder abuse and financial mismanagment" that was quickly dismissed. I could go on and on, but I won't. Don't expect for any family member to praise your efforts. Their feelings of guilt will manifest themselves in bizarre and hurtful ways, directed at you. Caregiving is the ultimate sacrifice and you cannot go into it by expecting an earthly reward. You do it because of the gratitude and love you feel for your family member, and the consolation is that when it is finally over you can hold YOUR head high and not have to endure the overwhelming guilt that most certainly engulfs those who couldn't be bothered.
Without knowing a thing about the person's situation she goes on this disconnected sermon about how being trapped is all in her mind. Gee, would she give the same phony baloney to a miner runnning out of air in a collapsed mine? A person in prison? This person's situation is every bit as valid.
Grandma may not have much cognition about how her care (and that includes the grandchild who must support them), is costing the poster emotionally, but Mom surely does and she is being selfish and manipulative if she expects this situation to continue indefinitely. I say that with qualifying that I don't know the details either. Has the poster had an honest talk with family members about her situation?
But imagine this. Imagine the poster meeting a perfectly wonderful man and falling in love and they would like to get married but his job takes him to another state (fairy tales do come true). Or maybe the poster's dream is to go to medical school. In another state or not, it would entail full time student status and less income to support Mom. The possibilities are endless.
Yes, we all make sacrifices in the course of life for loved ones. But this person needs to evaluate her choices and be allowed to express her very valid frustration without the guilt trip (make friends with your guilt!) and mindless platitudes foisted upon her.
Really, is that what this site is for?
How familiar some of the responses sound to me.. I moved my mom in 8 years ago when I realized things were becoming too overwhelming for her, hoping that we could "survive" together in my home. My husband is deceased, my children are grown and on their own and I work a full time job. Unfortunately, my mom has always been a manipulator in order to get things done that she wants with no real regard for anyone elses needs. I should have thought about that more before moving her in. As she has aged more, her disposition, though sweet and kind around others, is so pointed and argumentative toward me. I have always been there for her, when my dad died some 40 years ago, when my brother became disabled, and have continued to pick up the responsiblities that really were hers through the years. She resents my friends, my wanting to have time alone with my children who live out of state. I cannot get to visit and spend time with my grandchildren because she cannot be left alone. She does not have funds for her own care, and when I set up home care for when I am at the office, she found fault with everyone. I would like to place her in an assisted living facility of some type, however the cost is outrageous. Through all this, I have prayed, and prayed, and asked for patience, guidance and grace to deal with each day, but the stress is really beginning to show on me. I have reached out for help, but the doors never seem to open. Myself, I am getting older too, would like to be able to retire, move closer to my children and have more of a life before I am no longer able, but it doesn't seem that is in my near future. In a country like ours, none of us should ever be in this "Trapped" situation, those who have aged should have coverage for whatever their needs are. I have opened a long -term help account for myself ;my children were upset with me ...but until you really live with this everyday you can't understand the restraints and stress it puts on you, and I don't ever want to do that to them... They try very hard to understand how things are, but being so far away and only around their grandma for short periods of time, don't see what I really live with. My prayer is that we all, as caregivers, are granted understanding, patience and guidance.
No, do not give up your life for them but don't let anyone else do it either. My sisters wouldn't give up their lives to even help me by taking every other weekend, I had to take care of them for years by myself. When my dad got senile, he started fights between each of us, got everyone hating me, and I was working myself to death. After 4 years of full time care, the only other person, our priest, who saw what was going on in that house, begged me to go home and let them find out themselves that they needed me, and it might stop the abuse. It didn't. Dad totally cut me off, my sisters jumped in like vultures to get his will in their names, and his power of attorney, and they believed all of his stories about how terrible I was even though they knew that was not how I am. They took advantage of him and stole the last 2 years of my mom's life by having her believe I was some horrible person not to be trusted. Don't let anyone else take it on themselves, no matter how they may believe they can do it, and if they do, stayin constant communication with them so you know what's going on the whole time every day. Not by what the parents say, your mother needs help. everyone has a life even if they're unemployed, get home health care for her to get a much needed break, caregiving is a harder job than any full time or part time job like you're talking about. You koow this by the little you've been through. Your mother has been doing it for much longer and is probably burning out, the fact is, when you're burning out, you don't know it, you thihk you're doing the right thing, that you owe it to your mother. But to give your whole life to another person at the cost of your own is not a life. Put yourself in your mom's shoes and the guilt that you are feeling, she is feeling 1000 times more.
There are so many good posts from family caregivers -- I hope the orginal anonymous young woman who posted the question finds some help and solace from those answers. There are so many wonderful posters on this site who offer loving and very constructive ideas from their own caregiving experiences...I draw great strenght from their wisdom and compassion and hope anonymous will also find comfort and help on the site.
However, I found the professional response totally inappropriate to the question. A young woman is struggling to find a balance that allows her to start her own adult life while still helping her mother who quit her own job with no other source of income and who expects her adult daughters to support her while she cares for their grandmother -- and a professsional starts off by saying "Shame on You. Your mother raised you and didn't complain". The two are not at all comparable. And frankly, the professional's update did nothing to acknowledge how hurtful and useless the opening of her original'professional advice' post was. I wish the poster of question grace and fortitude as she figures out how to help her grandmother and mother in a way that does not trap her by guilt into a life too full of sacrifice to fully participate in her own life.
I am the original poster of this question.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Most of them were very helpful. I am in my early 30s, my mother is in her late 50s and grandmother in her late 80s. For several years, my grandmother has been able to be alone for hours at a time. During that time, my mother did not attempt to find gainful employment. My sisters and I took out loans to help supplement her income. I am currently still paying off those loans and will be paying them for the next 20 years. I have been emotionally frustrated for many years because of this fact. I worked several jobs through college and graduate school, and still work side jobs to meet the needs of my bills. Though it seemed my anger was justified, I felt tortured with guilt when my mother would manipulate me into giving her more money for better groceries or a nicer car. She grew very VERY defensive and upset when I attempted MANY times to confront her with it. At the time I originally posted, I was at my wits end. Really what I needed was someone out there to say they were going through the same thing, or knew what I was talking about. I appreciate those that shared.
My sisters are not financially able to help or move in with my mother because the nature of their work. Additionally, one sister recently had a nervous breakdown on her own and is currently being supported by myself and my other sister. I sought professional counseling soon after this post and negotiated with my mother so that she would move into more affordable housing so that I could live in another part of the country. Things have been much better for myself since then, even though now I am taking care of my sister here.
The professional response, I found offensive and discouraging. I am glad she edited her response and added clarification.
I have found that I caregive much better with God in my life. I care for my dad with advanced alzheimers and my mom who is 83 who has been married to this special man for 61 years. I lost my husband when I was 36 and I had a 3 year old boy. I cared for Ted and watched him die from colon cancer. The doctor says it can be any day now for dad to pass. I cry, call the alzheimers support line, go to my support group and take one day at a time. Being a caregiver is a very special thing. Not everyone can take it. I know I can and to be able and ready to care for dad as he lives his last days (sometimes very afraid like a 4 year old) is very good for me and him. Dad calls me grandma sometimes and I comfort him as well as I can. God bless all of you caregivers. joan
Now that Grandmother has passed on, I look back at the time I spent being her caregiver.
I would say "don't do it". Especially if the person was not a mild-mannered individual to begin with.
You really cannot compare it them taking care of you as a child. You are dealing with a Terrible Two in an adult body.
Advice for those who do: You definitely want to see a Elder Law Attorney, and work out details like finances, etc. If you live in their home, pay rent. (I have another thread on this). Take time for yourself. And definitely know where to draw the line, when to not take abuse, etc. And don't feel guilty.
Reasons why I would never be caregiver again, nor recommend anyone else do it:
- How many people here have ended up in a divorce as a result? While caregiving was not 100% to blame for the breakup of my relationship, it did have a huge part. I simply did not have time to be intimate.
- Apartment hunt after the person you were taking care of passes on? Ha. It was hard to find work in Michigan as it was. Add to it - trying to find a schedule around Grandmother. So since I have not had steady work, it's hard to find an apartment, even when you have the money to pay your rent for a year, in advance.
- Jobs. Well, since I had to work around HER schedule....my work history is now a Poor work history. I lost $60K+ in earnings.
- Health. I am supposed to go to the gym 4-5 days per week because of my own health needs following a car accident. In the past 20 months, I was lucky to go 1-2 times per week. As a result....weakened muscles, pain from the weakening of muscles I needed to keep strong, weight gain.....
Friendships fail. You lose your social skills. Well hey...when you are TRAPPED in a home and are lucky to leave to go grocery shopping...you do not get to socialize. And my Grandmother hated everyone, so no visitors allowed to visit her grandchild.
More anxiety, so more anti-anxiety medications when panic attacks hit. And they hit. When she was accusing me of stealing, you bet I was upset and panicked.
I seriously considered suicide. I have a mark on my wrist from just seeing what it would feel like. I knew I could not keep living in a situation where I had no life, was told daily what a hated piece of crap I was to her.
Caregiving should be a choice. NO ONE should be "trapped" into a caregiving situation.
My sister is my mother's primary caregiver. For the past year, I spent weekends at Mom's...to visit with Mom and to give my sister a break. When my mom was in a rehab center (after a fracture, from one of her many falls) I visited with her several times a week. I truly believe that my mother would be better served...physically, mentally and emotionally...in a nursing home. Mom even thinks she might like it. But my sister refuses to even entertain the idea...because she "prayed about it and God told her" that what SHE wants is the right thing to do. So now, I visit Mom once a week.
I don't spend the night anymore because I KNOW I am not equipped to care for Mom properly. Mom fell, the last time I was helping her walk to the bathroom. She fell, even with a walker in front of her and me behind her. It was HORRIBLE to watch my mother lying on the floor, knowing I was incapable of helping her stand up. I had to call someone to get her up off the floor. I will NEVER put myself (or my Mom) in that position again.
My mother is deteriorating quickly, since she got "home" from rehab. In rehab, she was walking (assisted) daily. Now, she can barely stand. Mom tells me she feels useless and worthless. She says she would like to see what a nursing home would be like....being around others her age and in a "similar circumstance" (her words). But my sister is all knowing. My sister has decided that Mom needs to be at home. And that's the end of any discussion about it.
So...I don't feel "guilty" about how hard my sister's life is...what she is "giving up"...how "selfless" she is, etc...because it's all a bunch of b.s. This situation was my sister's choice. My mother has lots of loving family...some in the medical field...and ALL of us, except my sister...believe Mom's life would be better in a nursing home. So while my sister "sacrifices" herself...our mother is wasting away and is miserable.
Caregiving at home may be right for some. But it's not the right answer for all. And, as far as I know, ANYONE in this country who needs either a nursing home OR in-home care, but is lacking finances to pay for that, can get help from Medicaid. My sister is a whiz at scooping up FREE in-home care from my mother's state's Department of Aging. There IS financial help out there.
I know this: I will NEVER put my daughter in the situation of having to care for me, should I need help when I am elderly. I LOVE HER TOO MUCH TO STEAL HER LIFE FROM HER. I completely agree with others who have said that comparing caring for a child to caring for an elderly parent is ludicrous.
Here's other ways in how you cannot compare a senior to taking care of a child.
- A baby weighs little. And is not 4'9" and 100 pounds.
- The baby can't call you every foul name under the sun, threaten you.
- The baby can't accuse of you stealing money, tampering with their food, etc. -You can take the baby out to the store with you. If you can't get an elder out, they can threaten you with elder abuse charges if you leave them alone...
Yes. And changing a baby's diaper is COMPLETELY different than changing the diaper of your elderly parent, while you are helping them stand up from the toilet at the same time.
Just like how not everyone is cut out to be a nurse, or an EMT, or a counselor...not everyone is cut out to be a primary caregiver for the elderly. Loving someone does NOT automatically make you capable of caring for them properly. As a matter of fact, it can sometimes be the most loving and selfless thing to give up the need to control, in favor of getting TRULY appropriate care for your loved one.
I get angry when people us the "ask for God's help" pat answer. I have asked for God's help...and so, supposedly, has my sister. Guess what? We both received different answers.
The hallmark of my sister's personality is her bull-headedness and need to be in control. I am now watching my mother quickly decline from her progress she made in rehab...all because my sister insists my mother remain in her own home.
Becoming a caregiver is simply not right for everyone. It does NOT make someone selfish or "God-less" if they know they are not appropriate caregiver material.
Being cared for by even well-intended family is not always the right thing for all elderly. Sometimes, it is the more loving, selfless thing to step out of your comfort zone and let PROFESSIONALS who know what they are doing, give the level of care that the elderly person needs.
My family and I have been caring for my mother who has ALZ, for most of the last 8 years. Originally it was 6 months out of the year, then 9 months, then full time. She lived 1500 miles away from us,so we would fly in to be there. Our daughter moved in with her for three years, only to burn herself out totally. My husband and I paid our daughters bills while she was there, not mom. Then I went there, and my husband commuted to see us. There is a brother who lives within 18 miles of moms home, but their work schedule has been such that they didn't participate much in her care once it got all inclusive. We tried to sell our home, but after 4 1/2 years gave up. We have finally moved her to our state and she lives with us full time. Three years ago though, we had major medical issues for both my daughter and my husband, so mom rotated through the homes of the other three siblings, landing her in the hospital for months at a time. They called to say what time I should pick her up at the airport, as they were bringing her back to me. She is 94, full time care. Can't dress herself, can't feed herself some days, can't walk, so is wheelchair bound. Has Dr appointments 6-7 times/month and is on a special diet. I have not been able to go back to work because of mom's constant care. We probably should have sacrificed her home (which we're third generation there) and put her in a facility. Instead, we decided to open a small assisted living facility in our own home, thus caring for mom and making a living. We have no other income!!! We're not old enough for SSI, but no one hires a 60 year old woman who hasn't worked in years! My siblings are now sueing us, since mom is paying her way in our facility, like everyone else. We have filed for control of her house and they feel they should have a share because they "helped her and dad for over 40 years".... well we all did. Just not full time, in their home, for the last eight years. The reason for starting the small ALF, besides my mother, my MIL also needed care and that side of the family was thrilled that she would be in a "facility" that was family run. What a difference between the families. Statistics indicate that daughters average the loss of 11.5 years of income. I quit corporate life 11 years ago and ran a B&B so that I would have flex hours, caring for mom. That income went away with the drop in the economy. But all my other siblings were able to work until full retirement. The care of my mother and My loss of income, has been a huge burden on my family, financially, physically and emotionally. There are four of us siblings and they were all fine with her being here with us, right up until we needed money to pay for her care, which has been 1 year our of the last 8 years. We've tried to figure out how to survive in this economy, yet care for our moms. However, I'm being called greedy, immoral, etc. even though they admit mom has had wonderful, personalized care and lived lots longer and better than she would have, had she been anywhere else. Mom's Dr's are amazed at well she has done, since being here with us, as we give her total one on one care. Yet my family members have never expressed gratitude to us for all the years of care for her. Now, we're greedy and immoral. Ageing parents seem to either make or break families.... mine is irrevocably broken.
jw812 I hope you found some advice - you made me sign up to answer you - just know i didn't bother to read the rest of the responses, your's was enough to say something. There is no difference btn giving and sacrifice - it is the same thing. and " Secondly, there are some people that just aren't made to be caregivers. I'm afraid I might be one of those people." I am one of those ppl.
I gave up MY LIFE, house, almost everything I owned, to move home and take care of my mother. I didn't want to do it, but there's this thing called obligation - and yes after 40+ years I do 'owe' her. And yes, there are other family members who don't give a dam.
How dare you say you're sacrificing or giving. Everyone here knows that. You are duty bound and you know it, or you wouldn't be here online looking for a way out. WELL I WILL TELL YOU IN CAPS YOU HAVE NO WAY OUT. It does feel like you're in a cage, but you deal with it and move on. Have you ever watched someone die naturally? I was forced to watch my 94 grandmother die w/o food or water for 7 days, as my aunt held POA calling all shots, not even the drs/rns would tell us anything. Don't sit in your situation and say you don't have control of your thoughts, actions...no matter you belief, what you give on this earth, you will find in heaven.
Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself, your mother needs it more.
With most love - juj
I am discontinuing getting an email every time someone comments on this question. I don't want to be reminded of the idiotic "expert" advice offered. The explanations, to me only obfuscated the original.
Perhaps, everyone should know that after 16 years of a catholic education (theology major in college, Jesuits) I recoil violently whenever anyone proposes that there are answers through believing in fantasy world.
More people have suffered and greatly and more wars started because of the hoax perpetrated on them by their parents wrt to god.
Pure gibberish!!
Added 12/29/11
The reason that I use "bad" grammar is because the lunatic nuns were only concerned with how sinful I was and didn't really care about teaching something I could use.
I am unaware that I am trying to sound intelligent. The respondent defending me is correct is saying I;ve made a ton of errors for which I am culpable. Also the hypocrites go to church every Sunday and malign each other. Atheists are usually intelligent and morally superior. INHO
God is the problem not the solution.
Sort of a vent I needed for a catharsis.
Oh, my word! Lots of anger and guilt here.
Back to the expert reply: you say don't feel guilty at the same time you are laying on the guilt about mom taking care of you as a child? Very few women practiced birth control prior to the 70s so a good many children came about by accident and not necessarily to people who should be parents. I wholeheartedly agree with all those herein who pointed out the stupidity of that comment.
And for those of you who offered God: yes, I personally believe in God and I still don't know why the innocent (caregivers!) must suffer. My husband and I were in the ministry when cancer tore him apart. My only peace after that hell, is knowing he is in heaven now.
The worst part of caregiving for me (after husband, came parents) was the weight of responsibility; it nearly crushed me. The physical part, the bad attitude and ungratefulness, the social and financial toll weren't the worst. Choice or no choice, being responsible for another human being's well-being is HUGE!
I won't do any of that to my family; I applaud the post about making plans for one's self. I will gladly go into a nursing home or hospice when necessary. I'm even clearing out some of my junk NOW to make it easier for my family.
I just wish I could help other than asking God to lighten your load.
