Not to be harsh re Ann Cason's response, but too many times adult children are advised that caring for their elderly parent or grandparent is the equivalent of being taken care of as a child. This is simply not true--there is no such equivalence. Many people were raised NOT by loving attentive parents but by indifferent, harsh, selfish parents who did a poor job caring for them even as an infant. Being old and in need of care does not automatically make a person a saint. Being a parent does not mean your children "owe" you no matter how ugly and uncooperative you may have been all your life. Professionals--please give your readers a break and refrain from the "she cared for you when you were a baby" nonsense. My family and I have cared, willingly, for 3 terminally ill adults and one grandparent who lived past 100 and did this for decades and with love. But NONE of us would ever suggest to OTHER families that this is appropriate FOR THEM. It depends. I empathize with the granddaughter whose mom won't contribute to her own finances. There is nothing wrong with this mom. If this middle aged woman chooses to care full time for her own mother, okay. She needs to apply for welfare for herself and her elderly mother and let her kids contribute what they can. They did not make her choice, she made her choice. No one is "obligated" to help her. I do know people who felt trapped and in fact they WERE trapped by someone else's selfishness. This was a reality not a state of mind. A major issue for caregivers is that if you choose a course of action, you don't get to make decisions for the rest of your family--as much as you would like to. This is not fair to them. They have a choice not to financially support your choice if they are unable to. (Alternately, we all know many well off adult children who won't lift a finger--despicable, but an entirely different topic.) Again, I have a life time of personal experience in caregiving and have also seen as many caregivers make dumb but well-intentioned mistakes as good ones. I don't know anyone who has quit her/his job with no visible means of support (and without enthusiastic family contributions) who has not created chaos for their family. Loving care comes from willing contributions not manipulation. "Trapped" should consider moving out and giving her mom a chance to make a more thought through plan.

I, too, struggle with that line between giving and sacrifice.

After my father died, I quit my job to care for my mother who has Alzheimer's. First problem, loss of my income. In these economic times that has been a big hit for my family.

Fortunately, my children are pretty much on their own, but I still have a husband that I see, if I'm lucky, three days a week, more often it's two days a week. I spend most of the week with my mother at her home because she is more comfortable there and frankly it is easier to manage her there. When I take her to my house for the weekend, it is very difficult for her. I understand that the transitions we make during a given week are difficult for her to handle and are confusing and scary. But I have to get to my house to take care of the chores my husband can't get to while he's trying to work and care for his own 88-year-old mother.

Secondly, there are some people that just aren't made to be caregivers. I'm afraid I might be one of those people. However, I'm an only child, the only available caregiver. The finances aren't there to allow for a great deal of outside care. Last time I had someone stay with my mother so my husband and I could go see our children it cost $128 for eight hours. My mother doesn't have the funds to pay for that kind of care at length, and my husband and I certainly don't either.

The question is where is that line between giving and sacrifice? My husband has been incredibly supportive, but how long can I expect him to remain so? He is overburdened with trying to hold onto a job so he can support us, manage our home basically on his own as well as try to manage his mother.

At what point are we sacrificing our marriage and relationship? Yes, I've told myself all that about I should be happy to care for my mother because she cared for me. And I do want to make sure her last years are as good as they possibly can be. But I'm worn out, stressed out and there is no timetable for when this job might end. And saying that makes me feel quilty. But I'm afraid the stress is going to get me first and then I'll leave this situation for my husband and children. The thought of that just kills me.

I very much relate to the end of your post, about no time-table for this job to end.

When we have a job we don't like, we can look for another, and know there is an end in site.

But when we do the care-giving/Family Slave thing.....I don't know, I get pretty depressed reading about people turning 93, 99, 107....argh! Even people like Michael Vick knows there is an end to their prison sentence and have an idea of when it is.....

I feel bad saying that, but yes...sometimes care-giving does feel like being in prison.

I can totally relate to this poster. I live with my grandmother, and am her primary caretaker. It is very frustrating!

I understand the guilt. I keep trying to move out, but who will take care of her? She is completely home-ridden, except for when mom takes her to her doctor appointment.

She is also a control freak, and emotionally and verbally abusive. She's always been that way.

See about counseling....some places have a sliding scale fee. It helped me a lot.

One thing I have to disagree with in the original response is this:

"How many years did you feel trapped being Cared for By your mother? "

First: Her mother made a choice to bring a child into the world. I don't think the granddaughter made a choice to be burdened with the responsibility of financially taking care of Mom and Grandma.

I keep saying....my grandmother, my mom...they both got to live their lives as they wanted. Me...I'm stuck taking care of a bitter old woman who never wanted me born in the first place.

I took my cue from the airlines. When they go over the saftey instruction, they tell us if there is a decrease in altitue, take the oxugen mask and put it over our own face, and THEN help someone else. You have to take care of yourself if you want to be of any help to someone else.

I understand to some degree how she feels. I am having to care for my grandparents because their only child, my mother, will not. She never even calls to see how things are going. I have a 16-year old son, and am also having to take care of my 5-year old grandson. My grandmother has demetia, my grandfather just got over pneumonia, they are both feeble, and my life has totally disappeared. My son and I had to give up our home, move into their home, and this is after losing my husband, my son's father, four years ago to an unexpected death. Some people just will not take their rightful place in the family. They just won't, and that makes it much harder on the ones who have to do what she should be doing. I resent it terribly. I was just managing some happiness after losing my husband unexpectedly. Now I've had to put my healing on hold, all because someone else is too selfish to do what they should be doing. I just wonder if she'll find the time to come to their funerals. Cause she sure don't even have time to make a phone call right now. By the way, my mother is single, she has no children, it's only her. Like I said, I fight resentment to the core of my heart. This is the 3rd Sunday in a row I could not make church. My mother doesn't even go to church. I've gone for 16 years. What in the world has happened to my life. I swear, if one more person tells me God will bless me for what I'm doing I think I will scream. I don't care about the future, I want my "right now" back, enjoying life day 2 day. But, not going to be, at least not right now. What scares me, I read somewhere that 30% of the caregivers die before the one they are caring for does. I hope there is a life for me after this is over.

Anonymous CCC Member's answer is wonderful.

She says it like it is AND grants that others are not like her. Her remark to "Professionals - ..." is very on point.

Some of us just weren't so lucky, and those platitudes actually foster an undeserved feeling of guilt.

Bless you, thank you, for your understanding.

Anonymous....I would consult a lawyer ASAP. As your husbands wife - you likely have rights to become his Guardian, or to part of the money from the sale of the home.

If you have been taking care of him all this time, and likely put some equity into the home yourself, you deserve some of the proceeds from the sale.

I think you would need a Family Law attorney to advise you on this.

Ann, please don't call yourself an expert, you are ANYTHING but one.

I am the full time care giver for my husband.

He has 2 sisters, a brother and a mom. I am the only one who is not free to work and this has been a financial hardship. Being the caregiver for a person with dementia places restrictions on one's ability to work and earn. He cannot be left alone. I am sacrificing my time and the money I could be making. I don't think that a grand daughter should be asked to contribute financially. But certainly sisters and brothers, as well as healthy parents should. Now that it's apparent that the situation is permanent, I need to find a solution. It's not fair to expect only one person to make these sacrifices. The solution they offered was to let my husband move in with the oldest sister. She would also become his Guardian. I would be left to fend for myself. As Guardian, she plans to disolve our marriage (he is now legally mentally incompetent), and sell our home. It is legal in some States for the Guardian to disolve a Wards marriage regardless of the wishes of the 2 participants. I would have no claim to any portion of the proceeds if our marriage was anaulled.

Juno; Thank you for your response. Yes,- I should have used the word 'annulment' when I said that the sisters who have offered to be my husband's Care givers/Guardians live in a State where the Guardian has the legal right to annul the marriage of the Ward. They sought to move my husband to their State, thus establishing his residency and Guardianship there.

I was and am totally opposed to having a sister-in-law annul my marriage - even if I am exhausted by being the sole care giver. However, in their State, should they succeed in becoming Guardian and moving my husband, the Guardian has the legal right to annul the marriage regardless of the wishes of either spouse.

An annulment would leave me with no rights to any of our marital property. The new Guardian would have the right to sell our home, use the proceeds for the upkeep of my husband (Ward), and I would be without my husband AND a home to live in. As his new Guardian, the SSDI check would also go into a payee account that she would control. In our State, the spouse has a recognized right to support, which can be Court ordered if need be. If the marriage were annulled - regardless of the State, not only would I be without marital property that took years to accumulate, but I would be without any support. Any spouse/caregiver in a similar situation with a Guardianship in place, needs to become knowledgeable of the laws in their State - and the State that the Ward/spouse may be moved to.

Re a personal update that readers may find interesting. Last month, my husband collapsed from a stroke and entered the hospital. His Alzheimer's/Dementia has advanced and all his doctors say he cannot live safely at home anymore. He is presently in a skilled facility and I am applying for medicaid long term care coverage. If the original poster cannot care for her grandmother - emotionally or financially, she may need to check out Medicaid LTC. There is rarely a happy answer when a loved one cannot be cared for at home as previously.

huh? Dissolution is Divorce. A marriage annulment is a legal procedure that dissolves a couple's marital status by establishing that a valid marriage never existed. In effect, it nullifies the marriage, returning the parties to their prior single status. It's a common misconception that short marriages can be annulled, but the length of the marriage is not a qualifying factor. Generally, for a marriage to be declared invalid, one of the following grounds for annulment must be met:

•One or both parties were not old enough to enter the marriage contract; •There exists a close blood relationship between the parties; •One party was still legally married when the current marriage occurred; •One party was impotent and unable to consummate the marriage; •One of the spouse's didn't have the mental capacity to enter into a marriage contract. (i.e. due to drunkenness or mental disability) •One of the spouses entered into the marriage under duress, threat, or force. •The marriage was entered into fraudulently. This may be due to the concealment of impotence, criminal history, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. To get an annulment, a person first needs to meet the residency requirements of the state that they live in. The annulment procedure is similar to that of a standard divorce, so it's best to seek the advice of an attorney before your proceed.