People often conceal the reality of death from young children in an effort to protect them from painful and frightening "adult" matters. In earlier times, grandparents and other relatives often passed away at home, cared for by the family, and children understood that death was part of the natural order of things. Today, the dying are often in hospitals and nursing homes, and many children have no concept of what it means to die. But experts agree that not talking about death, or dressing it up in euphemisms or platitudes, can confuse and frighten a young child.
If a grandparent is ill and nearing death, here are steps you can take to help prepare your child for the loss.
Talk openly about death in advance.
It's a good idea to introduce the subject of death to your young child well before a grandparent is ailing. The death of a pet offers an excellent opportunity for such a discussion. Or you can simply show your child a dead flower or insect. Explain that death is the end of life, and that every living thing will die one day. Keep your explanation simple and to the point. Consider this the first of many conversations, as it will take your child a while to absorb the information.
If a grandparent is very ill or has received a terminal diagnosis, gently tell your child that his grandparent is going to die. It's better to inform your child in advance, because at the time of death you may be too grief-stricken yourself to explain. It's fine to show your child that you're sad about the loss, but it may scare him if you disclose the news of his grandparent's passing at a time when you're overcome with grief.
Answer your child's questions, no matter how difficult.
Try to respond to all your child's questions about death without distress or displeasure -- or dishonesty. Many of them are likely to be difficult to answer -- for example, "Will Grandma be able to see me when she's dead?" -- and your response will depend on your personal beliefs. Avoid telling your child fairy tales. If you say that Grandma is sitting on a fluffy white cloud in the sky, looking down on your child and sending kisses, your child may feel comfort in the moment but is likely to be confused about death in the long run. It's fine to simply say that you don't know the answer to certain questions.
Let your child spend lots of time with grandparents, if appropriate.
If your child's grandparent is up to it, arrange for them to see each other regularly. Your child may find this scary at first if you've just told him that his grandparent is going to die, but short visits will help dispel your child's fear, may lift his grandparent's spirits, and will create pleasant memories for years to come.
Confirmation that it is probably best to just be honest.
Hello Granny2Grandsons, Thank you very much for sharing this story with the community, it was so touching. Thank you again, and take care -- Emily | Community Manager
yes thanks
My 5 yr old Grandson came to visit while I was taking care of my Mom - his "G-Granny". G-Granny lives 850 miles away. They had a wonderful relationship. I was taking care of my Grandson (provided daycare from infancy to age 3) in my home. G-Granny would send stickers and a sticker book (along with a note saying, "remember - stickers go on paper - nothing else!" She would also send my Grandson other things in the mail. My Grandson loved it every day when it was time to get the mail. G-Granny sent something every week, even if it was just a postcard of dogs, cats, or zoo animals! When I called my husband and told him that my Mother was terminal, possibly 3-4 months - along with my daughter and 5 yr old Grandson, they came to visit G-Granny that weekend! At the same time, my son-in-law was on his way back to his home - his Dad's twin bother had just passed. My Mother was extremely concerned about how my Grandson would react to seeing her with a cap on her head or wearing a wig since she had lost her hair along with a lot of weight. I had told my Mother that I think he will be just fine! When my husband, daughter and Grandson came in my Mother's house, he immediately went to her (she was wearing a cap and very pale) to give her a hug! Then he told his G-Granny, "I like your cap! I got you this candy bar but it is a little melted so I'm going to put it in the frig and help you eat it later, OK?" The next day, my Mother had her wig on. She was feeling better that day. When my Grandson saw her - he immediately said, "G-Granny, your hair looks beautiful and so do you"! He didn't act any different than the many years of visiting together! My Mother was so relieved! Even when my Mom was having a rough day and was pale looking, wearing her cap and still in her nightgown and robe - my Grandson would still sit beside her always asking if he could get her something. Then he would start a conversation with his G-Granny. When Mom just had to go take a nap, my Grandson would tell her - "G-Granny, I'll be in there in a few minutes to tuck you in"! He would always wait a few minutes - watching the second hand on the clock for 3 minutes - then he would go in G-Granny's bedroom. He was so sweet - we had all talked to him about how sick G-Granny had been and that she had cancer and would be dying soon. He would just say, "Let's go visit as many times as we can before she dies and make her happy". He understood that death meant he wouldn't see G-Granny again - ever! At 5 yrs old - he was the one that helped the adults! It was just so precious and gave his G-Granny so much love and joy and helped the rest of the adults to see such innocence of a child dealing with the death of a loved one. Now, 6 years later - he still has pictures of him with his G-Granny from his 1st birthday all the way through the 5 years he knew her. He says he still remembers her but not everything. He says he remembers he loved her very much and she was always very "huggy" and sent him things in the mail!! Just being honest with a child over anything such as death, divorce, or anything else dramatic - talk and then listen to them and answer all of their questions - it puts them at ease, lets them understand and makes them feel better knowing what is going on and what was going to happen!!