Bridging a generation gap with elderly parents
Those of us who are caring for elderly parents are often bewildered by the decisions they make -- and by their seemingly stubborn refusal to follow our advice. We shake our heads over their obsession with the past, their caution, and the glacial pace with which they make decisions and move through the world. As much as we love our parents, dealing with them can often be fraught with tension and frustrating, as we try to bridge a communications gap as yawning as any we've experienced with rebellious toddlers or teenagers.
Part of the problem is that we tend to think about our elderly parents as more wrinkled, less capable versions of the people they used to be. As a society, we take it for granted that old age is a time of decline rather than development and personal growth.
But experts who study the psychology of the elderly paint a richer, more complicated picture of aging. It turns out that aging involves distinct developmental stages and that elderly people have pressing life tasks they need to accomplish if they're to end their lives with resolution and meaning. It's true that aging is challenging and painful -- probably more painful than we can conceive. But the experience of aging can also be fulfilling and profound if it's approached with insight and clarity and with the support of caring children and loved ones.
By understanding your elderly parents' experience, you'll be better equipped to communicate with and help them -- so they'll enjoy an old age you may wish to emulate when your turn comes around.
Photos, books, and memories can all be lost so my family has started to document our own lives and also the stories of others in our family on a website called www.famento.com. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that this is something so important for us to do. When my grandmother passed away about 10 years ago at the age of 85, we realized that we had lost all the stories she had about her own life and those of other relatives in our family. Now we're trying to piece together at least all the memories we have of her so that future generations can know the legacy she's left behind, and get to know her as a person through these stories. I encourage all of you to do this yourself, and get your family involved.
My mother is 91 and still lives on her own. This summer she still mowed her own lawn. I think she continues to do this because it is a control issue[ no one can do it correctly] We want to help, but she gets so angry and mean. She is alienating people. She still reads , controls her finances and much more. Any ideas on how to open a conversation to find out the source of her anger?
In todays age many seniors are too busy to be reflecting on events in the past. Todays demands are the same for people of all ages. Survival !
I am an 84 year old male that lost his wife, of 52 years, to a devastating illness, 8 years ago. I visit her at the cemetery at least once a week. It helps me control my loss. She was an angel. I don't like living alone, but have learned to accept it. Our three children check on me almost every day. They don't interfere or try to control my life. I love them dearly and will do anything and everything they ask me to do. I keep as busy as I possibly can programing computers, attending faternal organization meetings and helping other people with minor problems. Elderly people can take care of themselves, with a little bit of compassion and understanding, as long as they are not handicapped or bedriden.
Having recently lost my father, who was a brilliant man battling dementia, and having lost my mother six years ago, this article REALLY resonates with me; and I hope everyone fortunate enough to still have their parent(s) with them will take it to heart on all levels. Our ancestors are our roots and our living links to our cultures and what makes us "us". In my backgrounds, they are the most honored members of society. This must not be lost! Love and honor your ancestors, no matter where you come from. They gave you life.
I wish this artical was available when my mother was here and I was looking after her. Very little did I know what she was going through. I wish I could turn back the time. My patience was short with her and I was too busy to spend a lot of time. I miss her greatly. Thank you for this article. Now I understand better what she was going through, but I still did my best. I just wish I would have had more knowledge.
Good and helpful article. We need more information on the elderly. I not only need it for my mother but I live in a city that has a high population of elders and any information regarding their developmental stages would be useful. Also, useful would be articles about how adult children can be caretakers to their parent when their heart is not in it due to the abuse the adult child may have suffered from the parent in childhood.
Excellent article. It makes navigating the waters of my parents lives with greater understanding and therefore focusing on the positive. Thank you
Wow, I wish I had found this website sooner. The descriptions sound so familiar, I had to chuckle because the scenarios could be scripted from my conversations with my father. Thanks for providing great support to those of us dealing with our elderly relatives.
I too am beginning to realize the impact of oss of friends and family members.I can imagine how Mom feels being the only one in her family left. Her friends are all my age! I tyr to leave her friendship with them alone and not take over the relationahip even though i like them all! How lucky iIam to have her be 92 at my age of 65! I am the only person I know who still has her mother alive.