How to Have "The Talk" With Your Aging Loved Ones

My mother has lived with my husband and me sense we moved from Alaska to NM 6 years ago. We have moved to MO and my husband and I have retired. My mom sits in her room and watches TV all day, we only see her when she goes to the kitchen or the bathroom. We want to travel but I cannot leave her alone for more than a couple weeks f days with someone looking in on her daily. My husband is starting to resent her being with us and in a way I am too because she has stopped doing anything around the house except for keeping her room clean. In order for us to enjoy our retirement I feel my mom needs to move into assisted living where she will be more active with people her own age. I'm not sure how to start a hnew conversation, any help out there?

preplanning funeral and burial arrangements is something that needs to be done as soon as possible, You will want your loved ones wishes met to the fullest and sharing in the arrangements will be helpful for you in the future in dealing with their loss.. Doing this at a time when mentally and physically they are able to help in the process will prove helpful as well. . I have worked with many senior living centers , conducting short information meeting for residents and family. Contact me today and we can set up a program to fit your needs

My mother, and alas..her mother (grandma) were both controlling, and physically abusive to my sister and I when we were children. So one unfortunate situation/question that can come up is: "Do yo have a responsibility to care for an aging parent who was unloving and unkind to you?" It is a toughie. Over the years however, mom has mellowed and also, she has expressed, on many occasions the desire to talk about this issue. She never forgot that years ago, I blurted, "you robbed me of my childhood. You ambushed me - period!!". She told me tearfully that she so deeply regretted that, and that she would do anything to try and make it right. Well, amazingly enough - from THAT regret of hers, our new friendship as adult women was born. Over the years mom has helped me financially in two cases when my back was to the wall, and I was grateful for the assist. She did the same for my sister. Her willingness to talk, and to 'try and fix it' has helped us enormously since, she now (at 92 with her dementia progressing) calls upon me for help. And I will say things like, "I know things have been painful and difficult for us in the past. But I really believe you feel badly about it and though we can't go back - we CAN go forward with understanding." Believe it or not, even with her dementia, she comprehends that. I tell her, "I want to make sure you are safe and comfortable, and remain here in your home as long as possible." My unhappy childhood has also helped me to understand the needs of other adults who were also ill-treated as kids and now have an aging, elder parent, in similar straits. If we learn from what happens, we are empowered to act in ways that can be helpful. Please note: I am not speaking for all - some abuse it simply too deep to forgive - incest for one. But I am saying that sometimes we can gain insights and use that knowledge to address the present problems we have, in bringing up sensitive issues with aging loved ones, and then behaving in ways that will benefit them, and..us.

My husband has picks dementia and he is in a moderate stage but the disease is escalating. As you will know this is such an emotional time and frightening because of the various steps that have to be taken. Your information about "the talk" is helpful, but of course different from a spouse's ability to have that conversation. I am certainly appreciative of any advice.

Reading this thoughtful article to prepare myself for necessary transitions. Children, don't pluck your aged and perhaps frail, but still very much feeling, parent from an environment they feel comfortable and at peace in, just because you're "worried" about them -- be willing to arrange for whatever - but no more than necessary - outside care will keep them safe and reasonably sanitary. Don't make them eat or keep them alive just because you'll feel guilty if you didn't do all you could to keep them from dying.

I found this article helpful in giving advice much needed around the issue of speaking with aging parents about their living conditions . what to say & what Not to say... very helpful, Thank you, Sophie

Being honest and having a talk an suggesting solutions sounds very good unless you have a parent with a very controlling nature that refuses suggestions and just wants to tell you what to do even it is unrealistic. The article says to be honest. We tried that with our Dad about having Mom go to a nursing facility and we were told that he would rather die than go to a "nursing home" and that he felt Mom felt the same way. He shut us down and would not discuss it. He is getting forgetful, has COPD, and just wants everyone to come there as a group like it is fun to pull on an invalid and nurse my mother. His thinking is in the "days of old" when they didn't have good nursing facilities. We can't do a thing with him. None of those suggestions works. He's very alert to watching out for the nursing home or nursing facility phrase & ready to fight. As far as getting a doctor or outside person to suggest it, the doctor told him and then told Mom and they didn't budge & told us NO even though they want us to run & do and we have figured out that Dad may not want her to go to a nursing home because she planted that in his head for years and he's abiding by that even though she is an invalid and has to be taken care of like a baby since she's also partially blind. A big challenge! Part time caregivers were finally accepted but it took a long time even for that. It has given us some relief.

what about having all of the above problems plus insolvency and foreclosure.....

If your parent is of sound mind but just making decisions that you disagree with (not endangering ones), all you can do is continue the conversation in a positive way. Any choices are ultimately his or hers. You may not like the choice, or you may end up needing to revisit the matter later, but you can't make the decisions for him or her in that case. What you can do, Robbins says, is to remain upbeat and supportive, even if you're frustrated or worried. This keeps you a welcome sounding board as your parent moves, however slowly, toward resolution. Remember that transitions involve an ongoing dialogue. Difficult as that first conversation about a sensitive topic is, it's only the first of many you're likely to have as you strategize your way toward a solution that everyone can feel better about.

both of my parents were in their eighties when they died. neither ever had to stop driving or go to a nursing home. i learned from them what to do. they accommodated their progressing situations nicely all by themselves. even in their final dying process, they took care of their situations by hiring the help they needed and in my mother's case, she moved from a waterfront home and used the extra money to buy a condo on one floor that was easier to do laundry in and closer to town. it had a pool and graduated care that she never needed to tap into but it was available. both parents had home health care workers come in to take care of their meds and do heavier housekeeping chores and make sure the kitchen and bathrooms were tidy. when my dad grew weaker, he moved a hospital bed into his living room next to the tv, and had an overhead triangular bar hung from a chain so he could hoist himself from his bed to a sitting position. he also had his phone enhanced so he could hear clearly his callers. i use a tenant caretaker for heavy chores and to drive me when i am not feeling up to it. i would not consider giving up my car. it's very comfortable to drive around instead of waiting outside at a bus stop or waiting hours to get a ride in a service shared by others. i go to my garden club monthly and dine out with a companion driving me at a restaurant to enjoy the football games with others cheering also. i put in perennials like strawberries and blueberry bushes and grapes and apple and pear and cherry trees and raspberries and ligonberries and elderberries. as i age, i will make the grounds easier and easier to care for without gardeners necessary. i still keep a garden, but hire help to till and fertilize the grounds, am getting those new hoses that are lighter and shrink when not in use. and sprinkler systems can take care of watering needs. i also hire people to weed. i do the fertilizing and inspect everything daily, and do much of the planting, though i prefer these days to transplant instead of growing a lot from seed. still, it's good exercise. i take a low seat along for comfort and ease planting seeds and plants and for hand weeding. using cloths to avoid weeds works. costs a little more, but cuts way down on the work. fresh vegetables and fruit you raised yourself insures good health, when raised organically. i use bird nets and marigolds all around the beds. you can age in place through your nineties and one hundreds if you set it up right. i also use meals on wheels for healthy heatup delivered meals in the winter. there is a truck delivering food in the area, which i use also for my sushi that is not carried locally in grocery stores, for chicken drumsticks and breast meat, prepared meals low in calories and salt, high in nutritional value. i eat a lot of chinese and japanese food and the mediterranean diet, french food that excludes butter and cream, and tons of seafood of all kinds. nuts, seeds, water, flavored crystal light water, no caffeine of any kind, getting up and sleeping whenever i darned well feel like it, exercise daily. it's a good life. my father exercised twice daily out of doors and my mother used a contraption to keep fit in her own living room. both kept out of really cold weather. dad exercised in the warmest part of the day and had a hot tub and sauna. mom went south for the coldest four months of the year. florida, mexico, california, arizona, the islands. come on, it's not hard to figure this out! unless your parent suffers from alzheimer's, they don't need to be institutionalized or in a retirement home. if they forget their keys, get them to the gym and get a complete scan of their bodies and heads with mri's, the newest ones that can detect mini clots, and find out where they need medical help unclogging things. if they have suffered heart attacks they can usually get better unless it was massive, same with minor strokes. with major strokes paralyzing half their bodies, they need a full time caretaker who lives in to help them get around, which is cheaper than a retirement home and keeps them getting individual attention. they're not just one of a crowd. i explored various places myself and decided where i would go if i needed to go and let my kids know which ones i liked and why. kids can take their parents around to preselect places they would like if they were ever incapacitated temporarily or permanently by strokes or heart attacks. long term care insurance for up to two years of care can help them in temporary situations, and often lasts until the end of life. temporary disabilities due to stroke or heart attack can be addressed in a short term stay at a residential facility, but home is the best place for most people, regardless of age. don't get greedy and sell it out from under your parents. they'll be gone soon enough and you will regret not having treated them better than that. they are irreplaceable. houses they have set up and paid for are theirs for the duration of their lives. so keep your grubby hands off!

Well, the holidays are upon us and time has passed, with our Mary doing very well in the assisted care facility where she will remain. But my other senior, Joseph is starting to show some deterioration: I visit him weekly to take care of housekeeping, which he now seems unable to do. I usually bring a home cooked light meal for him, and the joke between us is, "You sit and eat, and watch me -- while I swing the mop!" And it gets to be fun, in an odd way. But when I looked for silverware to set his table, I found nearly all of it -- in the refrigerator. One of the symptoms of growing dementia is often the inappropriate use or location of objects to the wrong places, such as utensils. I washed everything and put it back in the drawer, but I know I'll find Joe's knives, forks and spoons strewn all over the inside of the fridge again when I come back in a week or so. And, I will, as I did with neighbor Mary, "stop minding my own business", and contact his family, telling them in the kindest way possible that they need to visit Uncle Joe in NY - soon!

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Does anyone know how to change one's email address on this site? I have been "off" for a week because I changed carriers and have a new address. I have missed you all, but have to tell you that Jim seems to be adjusting very well to the Nursing Home. We had 4 lovely visits last week, one of which was a Christmas drop-in at which we became friends with a man who has Parkinsons, not dementia, but is in Jim's unit and will talk with him. The wife and I have friends and interests in common. God at work again!! Thank you all for your prayers this week. Mary R

Great article! Sometimes easing into transitions dictating by aging can be accomplished through sporadic visits from a home health aide. As they become accustomed to a bit of help with activities of daily living, they begin to see that allowing others to help them remain in their homes affords them the chance to maintain their dignity and still satisfy loved ones that they are safe.

Someone once said that you could tell a great deal about a society - by the way it treats its elders: respect for their years of accumulated knowledge, lending them patience and a kind of accommodation to their changing needs, and seeking them out for the history they carry. Or, shunting them aside, being angry and short tempered, and endlessly asking each other 'whatever will we do about Mother/Dad/Aunt Hepzibah?" I believe also, our throwaway/soundbyte length attention span/instant this and that culture too, is reflected in the way we treat age as a factor of life's forward motion. This is a real easy one. I have frequent conversations with both Mother and my neighbor Mary (now in assisted care) and I often will begin, "We had this chat before, and I think when we did, we talked about.." as much as I am guilty of being a little curt on occasion, tempted instead to say, "Oh, why are you always forgetting?" And then, out of the blue one of them will tell me a great, detail filled story about Pearl Harbor/Frank Sinatra at the Paramount/the Kennedy White House..and I'll suddenly remember that when talking with a senior, it is like strolling through some magnificent library. However, you are not able to enjoy it...unless you love to 'READ'!! On this Thanksgiving day, maybe we might all of us be grateful for the wisdom our elders possess, and use it perhaps to make us all a little bit wiser, as we go about our respective days.

This was very helpful. It reminded me that these changes must occur over time and require patience and respect. It's a process.

unless the parent too is considerate and responsive towards his children the whole exercise by the offspring is futile

It sounds as if Anonymous is having some really difficult days, dealing with everything that has come into the picture. And I totally sympathize, by the way. I cannot speak for this person's community resources, but taking it all on yourself is sooner or later going to overwhelm them. I suggest wherever and whenever possible, to reach out to others, a pastor, a medical facility, a social work agency, and see what other backups, assistance, volunteer organizations might be brought into the situation to lighten the load. While it is commendable to do it all alone, I can sense the stress this person is undergoing, just by the comment itself. And I feel for them! Please, if at all workable - explore options for extra help in your area - if that is at all possible. Caregivers need to take care of themselves, and having others involved can make a stressful burden such as this one, easier to bear. My good wishes to you....

This article is very helpful- it gives a lot of diplomatic and thoughtful ways to bring up difficult subjects with aging parents. The only part of the article I dsagreed with is the statement "Make it clear that you're comfortable with any decision." Taking care of my aging parent has placed a huge financial & emotional debt on me, with very little help from my family (they live too far away and don't have the financial resources to help). I cannot be comfortable with any decision my aging parent makes, because I cannot afford to spend my retirement income taking care of my parent, and I have a high stress job to deal with on top of trying to help my parent. I'm sure there are a lot of other people who can't "be comfortable with what ever decision the parent makes" for similar or other reasons. This is not only about the aging parent(s)- it is about the caregiver, as well, if the caregiver is constrained. It's important for parents to understand that this decision impacts not only them, but others as well. I think that's probably where going over pros and cons is important. Thanks very much for a well written, helpful, and thought provoking article.

CB, you're right on target! HOnesty is important, and often even when the person is beginning to drift away in terms of mental acuity, they CAN understand more than we think. I remember saying to Mary, about a year or so ago, sensing (this was right after the non payment of rent for five months episode) "Mary, I am going to make sure to call the Management company and arrange with them for this to get squared away. Now, if we get your checkbook out, let me help you write the check, and I'll be happy to mail it." That is exactly what I did. I then went back to let her know I had mailed it. And then I said to her, "Sometimes there can be a lot to take care of, and I wanted to make sure we know what you want us to do. So listen (I joked with her), if you break your pinky finger playing tennis, who should we contact?" And a few days later she gave me a contact list with phone numbers and all the information I needed. It was priceless when the time came to reach out to her Pennsylvania family. But being honest with her, and letting her know - and she herself admitting that her memory was not the same as it had been say, twenty years ago..was the first step. And she in fact started the ball rolling, by admitting to me, in a subtle way that she WOULD need help down the road, even though she did refuse it initially. But being honest, and you might have to try this several times, and change tactics if one approach does not get a response, your senior neighbor/loved one actually can take an active role in starting to explore options.

The article is good for pre WW2 social and family lives,In today's post WW2 hectic lifestyle-made necessary for survival due to rapid changes taking place in all walks of life-it will be fortunate for both aging parant and the offsprings to find time to do all what the author says

I just want to say how important it is to be honest when dealing with health or other issues of parents or other family members. Sensitivity is important but people have to deal honestly with the person who is experiencing a health problem or other situation. This is especially important when dealing with someone who has dementia. It is critically important that the person knows his/her diagnosis so he or she knows what is happening. When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my oldest sibling - who had healthcare Power of Attorney - said absolutely that Mother must not know anything - I asked every dementia expert I could find and EVERY ONE said that a person absolutely must know what is going on1!!!

One of the reasons I jumped to it so very quickly for my 90 year old neighbor Mary (whom I have known for over two decades) was BECAUSE she had always been so active, so engaged, so very much a part of our community. I'd see her in tennis whites, off the join friends for a game, then lunch. I'd catch a glimpse of her in the upstairs window, going through her Tai Chi routine. I'd run into her in the lobby, as she headed out, in dressy clothes for an afternoon concert. She would call to remind me she was off to the Hamptons for the weekend, and would I please remember to look in and feed Evie, her cat? It was my awareness of how she used to be, my extensive knowledge of her routine that made me start to notice a kind of slippage, and carefully, sensitively monitor her, without being annoying or intrusive to her. I have great respect for the wisdom and perspective that comes with older age. I am a 'whippersnapper" at 64. But my mother still lives alone and manages quite well, thank you very much - and she is the same age as Mary (90!). So, I do not treat either of them as silly little girls, but rather as cherished parts of my history, and connected members of our lives - this alone makes the ladies worthy of attention and all the care they do in fact, need. But yes, the money issue can also be a problem. Though Mary was relatively well to do, all the same.. she did not eat properly at all. Thus the end result was the same as if she had not had money to buy groceries. So, we started visiting and never came in empty handed. One neighbor would offer to fix tea and they would sit and eat together, with our neighbor as 'waitress', and that worked out nicely. Even in a city the size of NY getting help and advocacy can be frustrating. Mary's medical crisis was the thing that actually set the wheels in motion, not our concerned searches for assistance in the downtown area. Although there was help available, she refused it, number one. And then everything moved along at such a snail's pace, that we despaired of ever having any help at all! But we finally got it. When I found her on the floor, and then the issue was no longer 'how to get help and where." But - rush the lady to a Doctor, pronto! Yes, it can be frustrating, I completely agree. And infuriating when well intentioned neighbors and family members who want to help the person come up against a bureaucratic stone wall, sluggish responses..or 'we don't have any information on that', a remark I heard more than once in my search for help for my neighbor. Often, forming a kind of group advocacy is very helpful. Mary's family is in another state, so her neighbors and I began the process as she was hospitalized; then her family stepped in. Now, there are five neighbors on site, and her family, and the Doctor and social worker. Mary is in a nursing facility and gets plenty of attention, medically, and socially. But it did not happen over night - and hooking up with others who loved her and were determined to help made all the difference!

This entire article begs the question. An 80 or 90 year old coot is not necessarily any more of a danger than the concerned relative who is doing the judging. If you carefully observe anyone, looking for error and misjudgment, you'll surely find it. Once again, prejudgment becomes self-fulfilling. Pious concern might really reflect self-serving motives. I suggest that a more balanced analysis would be in the best interest of all concerned. Cheers, an 80 year-old coot.

This article is extremely well-done with so many good advice and ideas. Having been through this process several times, I can't encourage people enough to follow the suggestions.

Good article, but you forgot to mention one major point that could be the cause for loss of weight, or simpler meals - lack of money for food items. Another thing to watch for are out of date medicines, that might not get refilled as they should, because of lack of money. I used to visit my Mom, as did my sister. (She is now deceased.) My sister used to complain that there was "never any food at Mom's house". What I saw was that she simply couldn't afford, on a fixed budget, to pick up her medicines and food. It's subtle, but if you watch, you can tell. Being in a grocery with your loved one, ask if they still like (whatever item comes to mind, that you know might be rather high priced now). If they put you off, or say something like, "oh, sure, but I don't buy that anymore", that's your clue. When we moved closer to Mom, I'd visit every 2 weeks, and make sure to pick up any prescription medicines, and stock her pantry and refrigerator. That way I, at least, knew she had the items she needed. I also watched for shabby looking linens, and clothes being repaired that needed to be replaced. That's easy to do by offering to wash some of your items, and ask to add hers in with yours.

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you can be waved away and dismissed by someone who is aging, and really does need help. This wonderful lady who lived next door to us, during hurricane Sandy, finally came to a health crisis: she had not been taking her heart meds, what with the storm creating a situation of lack of power and water. And although we had been looking in on her throughout, the hurricane precipitated a health crisis. We brought her over a plate of food and found her on the floor, and I immediately called 911. I cannot say enough about the competence and compassion of the EMT staffers when they arrived. They went straight to work, and took her to the hospital. She is being well cared for, in a nursing facility, and her family in Virginia have come up to the city to pitch in and also take responsibility for the changes in her situation that must now be dealt with. A little over a year ago we began to notice changes in her self-care; she had stopped paying rent, her house was extremely untidy and she did not seem to be eating, despite our coming by regularly with groceries and other treats. Patience, and awareness are the keys. Stay connected to the person. This lady is a dear friend of over twenty five years, not a family member, but I was glad that I did NOT mind my own business - and came by during the storm, to check on her. I think we may just have saved her life. So, if you have a loved one, or a loved neighbor - keep watchful, in a loving way. You will be so glad you did!