When it happens
During mild dementia and increasing thereafter
Why it happens
Memory loss makes the person unable to keep track of (or, eventually, care) about bathing. Even if it's remembered out of habit, there may be confusion about the sequence of steps involved -- so it's easier just not to do it.
Some people avoid bathing because they feel juvenile, anxious, or defensive when asked or reminded about bathing. It becomes more pleasant for them to avoid the subject completely.
What you can do
Stick to a consistent bathing routine. Make it the same time the person has always bathed (first thing in the morning, right before bed).
Don't remind or even mention how long it's been since the last cleanup. Instead of arguing, proceed with bath preparations.
Skip asking, "Did you shower?" or "Would you like to shower now?" Get everything ready and invite the person in: "Look, your bath is ready. I know how you love your evening bath."
Try leading the person to the bath unexpectedly, on your way to doing something else. Or lead the way to the bathroom but without talking about a bath.
Have everything ready so you don't leave the person alone, as he or she may give up.
Don't worry about a full daily bath or shower. Bathe weekly and "top and tail" (clean face, genitals) as best you can the other days.
If you find bathing difficult or concerns about privacy make this a tense time for the two of you, consider hiring an aide who can come to do this task two or three times a week. If hiring a professional isn't in the cards, maybe there's a better family member for the job, such a son who'll bathe a father.
my wife won't bath because she thinks that she has ...complete short term memory loss she looks at herself and it saddens her, but she continues to do the same things none of our so called friends or family have offered to help it's just me and the boys (ages 22 and 15)....and they treat her poorly because she treats them poorly
My Mother - in- Law 94 years old and my wife 74 years old both have Alz. My wife tries to help with her mother when it comes to bathing and when it comes her turn she tries but does not do a very job. I usually end up giving her a bath. I have three daughters who try to help with some chores, but the all have jobs and can't always come over when I need them. I myself have Myasthenia Gravis and I'm not sure if I can keep this up much longer. We don't have long term Ins. nor do we have the money to hire some at home help..I'm just trying to out-live them both so they will have someone to watch over them.
What used to work for us was: I would enlist the aid of my-then 5 yr. old daughter (I told her Grandmas had a bad sickness that made her mind not work right and made Grandma think she didn't need to take a shower). I would ask mom if she would help my daughter take a shower.(cue darling granddaughter - "Please, Grandma?") Once in the bathroom nice & warm with everything set up, I would suggest she go ahead & use the toilet, & that daughter & I were waiting on her so would she please hurry because we had to go, too. Once her clothes were halt-off, while she used the toilet, I would keep talking or singing while I slipped off her shoes, & said, "Oh, I'll get these clothes washed for you, I've got some nice fresh ones here for you." When she stood up, i would gently walk her over to the shower, my daughter would be outside the bathroom, I would say, "You go ahead, Mom, & get your shower done, & then Ellie can take one, too. Ellie really needs to practice this, so it's so good of you to help her like this by getting the shower done." The whole time I would be quickly unbuttoning her blouse, unhooking her bra, and helping her get her blouse off, then she would step into the nice warm running water, I would stay right outside the shower stall, reach in to help her shampoo her hair, get her washcloth soapy, etc. It almost always worked, if not we would try again the next day. I have also heard of caregivers, who, if the person was really resistant to getting undressed, would "accidentally" spill a glass of water on the person's clothes, while they were in the bathroom, the person would get mad, but they would want to get out of the wet clothes, and "As long as your undressed, we might as well get your shower done now, that way you won't have to do it again later!" (It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to work!)
I have the same problems with my husband
My husband & I removed the bathtub & installed a walk-in shower with bench when my Dad was becoming difficult about bathing (I assumed he was having difficulty stepping in & out of the tub or there was some depth perception issue?). Since he no longer talks, he would not communicate to us why the hesitation. I make sure the bathroom is toasty warm, have all grooming needs, clean clothes, etc. already laid out and still he is obstinate with me...to the extent that he fights & last week the electric (3rd one this yr) razor went flying & busted all to pcs. I, at that point, told him "fine, let your beard grow to your knees & when you get tired of being smelly, we'll shower you" . My husband was atleast able to get him in the shower, so this tells me that it has suddenly become an issue of modesty. I've been assisting him for 3yrs & now all of a sudden he's modest, go figure. Or, possibly a control issue. As some have mentioned above, the patients have a sense of 'not gonna tell me what to do'. I have found that very gently directing him to the bathroom & praising & saying "see, now don't you feel better" totally changes his demeanor .... it's the getting there that's most difficult.
How difficult and comforting that you all have the same problem, there are no real solutions to a bath, I normally have to walk out of the room, when mom gets crazy. She insults and fights but unwillingly she finally gets in the shower. This is always a fight, AND when we get the shower done, we dance. :)
We have arranged to the have a health care worker come twice a week for 2 hours. Her assignment is to help my mother-in-law bathe and wash her hair, keep her bathroom and bedroom clean (change the linens once a week and so forth) When things go well, she ever has time to vacuum other parts of the house and make my MIL lunch. It is great and takes stress off of us. Frequently my husband and I go out to lunch while the aide is there. (We are both retired) Occasionally, my MIL balks and refuses to bathe. When this happens, forget it. It never happens twice in a row and it isn't the end of the world if she goes a week between showers. Not worth the collective upset.
As a nurse's aid in an assisted living facility I was responsible for helping residents shower. Most hated it because they were cold, modest, or mentally impaired (dementia) or all three. I spent some time talking to them about it and their reasons for resisting. Mostly, they felt cold! I really cranked up the heat in the bathroom an hour before and turned the shower on about five minutes before to steam up the room. After this there was not as much resistance. If they claimed to not need a shower I would firmly but kindly tell them they smelled like they needed a shower. They usually said they had a shower yesterday or already took one that morning. I kindly said they did not have a shower at those times. Eventually, they would take a shower -- might take a few days though! One lady really objected every time. One morning I said, "It's ok if you don't want a shower." She was very feisty and yelled, "I WILL DECIDE IF I SHOWER OR NOT!!!" and marched into the shower (already running) and took a shower. She never refused a shower again.
My Dad was 95yrs. old still able to walk and do things on his own he was very stubborn and proud and didn't like to take a bath I had aide to come in and bathed him three times a week he told me he didn't ever want to go to a nursing home so to get him to take a bath and stop intimidating her I told to tell him your daughter said if you don't take a bath she will have to put you in the nursing home worked every time no problem he get up and go take his bath very humble. To the lady whose mom don't like getting her hair wet there's an easy way to wash her hair without a fuss there's a shampoo called No Rise Shampoo put on hair and towel it off no water needed or there is a shampoo cap you can put on her head when she is taking a bath or shower massage the cap on her head take off towel dry. some elderly people don't want to be put under the water to wash there hair this is a easy way to do it. shampoo can be found at the beauty suppile store .
The solution we had to go with was to bring in an aid to help with showers 2x a week. Mom had a hospital stay, which required assistance when she got home, which included showering. Once her therapies were done, we continued with an aide coming in 2 x a week, as we knew from before her hospital stay, that she was not taking showers on her own, ( the soap was not going down in her bottle ). Later on, she had to go to Assisted Living Facility, and we kept her showers as 2 times a week still. It does cost , but it is better to have routine for them, and it also gives the caregivers some breaks. We all have to choose our battles with this disease of Alzheimers, as it is a horrible one. Just a thought for everyone out there
I take care of my 87 year old Dad. He can't remember what he had for breakfast but remembers events that happened 60 years ago---bath time started to get testy about 2 years ago. I started asking him to help me change the bed linens. He would take this as time for a bath. To this day, this is how I get him to shower
Assurances that these are fail-safe techniques. Encouragement to persevere if indeed that is possible. Thank you.
that once a week is ok and to do at time they used to bathe.....
This was helpful, but my Mom is more stubborn than most. It takes a couple of days of serious prompting to get her to agree. She is offended that I tell her to bath (no matter how nicely I do it.) My main problem is that she doesn't want to get her hair wet and, of course, she needs to wash it. I will try leading her to the bath without mentioning it and see what happens. Thank you
My husband is very, very stubborn for not going to take a bath for several weeks, and he alway says "Im not dirty, Im not dirty". Whenever my husband has to go to the bathroom for number 2, and I alway asked him if his diaper was dirty, he checked his diaper and I hate to look, but I had to because he didnt understand if it was cleaned or not so, I simple to tell him to get a bath. He went to take a bath without saying, "Im not dirty, Im not dirty". Whew!!!
Hugs struggling
Hi Sad Sally, Thanks for your comment. Bathing is one of the more difficult tasks that Alzheimer's caregivers have to do. There are things you can do that can help the process along for you and your loved one. One good reference we have on bathing tips is this article: http://www.caring.com/articles/alzheimers-bathing-tips. Hope that helps! Thanks again. -- Emily | Community Manager
What do you do if nothing seems to work until they are ready and seven days may go by.
Unless my mother is ready to take a shower nothing you say, don't say or do works. She won't go on her own, she gets angry if you try to lead, ask or remind her. She is stronged willed and doesn't like anyone telling or what to do. If she is ready which may be six days from her last shower you can lead her there without too much of a problem.
the article are great. he will not let a women say anything about his body alone touch him. i think i am loosing my mind. i am the daughter-in -law i have no say at all. my husband has cad. triple bypass with a defibrillator and am disable i have to stay in my place while the rest of the family does nothing and are in denial big time.
Hugs struggling, lulu8beach
So far nothing I have tried works. She gets angry when I bring up a shower as she things I am accusing her of being dirty. It truly is a struggle that I wish I new how to resolve. It is a very upsetting situation for the both of us including her care giver.
My mother does not remember when she last took a shower. She resents us mentioning her taking a shower. No matter how we present it she gets angry. We have tried many different ways and for the most part it is a struggle. Some days she will flat out refuse and other days she will get in the shower, but not before getting angry and causing us to become very frustrated. Has anyone figured out what works in this instance. Thank you.
The wash is still a problem. We have an aide on weekends but he won't allow her to do the wash. He told her I would do it, but I'm physically unable to even do our wash myself, so it is a problem and he is very stubborn and sneaky.
The getting everything ready and then asking him to bathe seems to work best. Dad has always been extremely thrifty (Scottish) and he wouldn't want to waste the water so we've found that is what works best for us. We also don't ask him too often or he gets balky with it.
I am a man looking after his mother. I can't bathe her; she wouldn't allow it. There aren't any females, family or friends she would allow to bathe her or help her. She would not accept an aide as she sees herself as being able to bathe without help. I guess things will have to get really bad before any change takes place.
The hardest thing is that she feels insulted when I broach that it is bath time. This is after I've run the bath, put the shampoo/soap, towel and wash cloth out, put clean clothes in the bathroom, etc. I must make her hand me her clothes or they would never be washed. This is so not my mother ... who love to bathe and was incredibly clean. She can't see any dirt on herself. I must prepare myself for her anger/unhappiness. It is so bad we're down to every other weekend ... and she's still upset. Does that make me sound bad? I can't stand to hurt her even if I know better. I've tried to pick my battles and I know that this is not endangering her.
Sometimes this issue is complicated by the fact that the person feels unsafe in the bathroom—fearing a slip and fall or even the water itself. Arrange to sit nearby within earshot but out of sight during bathtime, which can help assuage the fear while preserving privacy.