7 Ways to Handle a Hothead -- Without Blowing Your Top
It's never fun to deal with an angry person, whether we're talking about a hothead who's quick to anger or a chronically angry grouse. Unfortunately, none of the natural reactions that an angry person inspires -- defensiveness, fear, or getting mad yourself -- tend to be productive.
What's more effective: these seven tactics. According to experts, careful responses can help you counter a hothead without losing your head.
1. Let the angry person know you understand that he's upset.
What this sounds like: "I understand that you're really angry right now that I missed our appointment." "Oh, wow, you seem really mad that the doctor's office never called back." "You're mad that I ate that last brownie -- is that it?"
It's important to be specific, to hit home the message to the other person that he or she is truly understood. Don't just say, "I understand what you're saying."
Keep the focus on the other person's emotions. Don't say, "I understand because I've been there, too." The upset person doesn't care; in the heat of the moment, he feels like his experience is unique.
Why it helps: The tactic known as "reflective listening" or "active listening" is a basic building block to all kinds of effective communication, says psychologist Steve Sultanoff, an adjunct professor at Pepperdine University. Especially with someone who's seething with anger, it's not enough for you to realize that he or she is upset (which tends to be pretty obvious). You need to demonstrate that realization to the upset person by saying so.
The effect of simply stating what's behind the anger is like pouring cool water on a fire. "As humans, we have a tendency to feel connected when another person gets us," Sultanoff says. "Repeating back what you're hearing the angry person say is both connecting and calming."
2. Solicit what the angry person wants from you.
What this sounds like: "What is it you want or need right now?" "How can I help you?" "How do you envision the outcome of this in terms of what I could do?"
Why it helps: Most anger develops when the person perceives the world (or situation) as unfair, according to Sultanoff. "Anger is generating energy to get the unfair thing fixed," he says. Sometimes the anger stems from a perceived wrong: You or someone else did (or is perceived as having done) something upsetting -- forgot a birthday, broke a prized possession. Sometimes, though, the anger stems from a bigger sense of being wronged -- the person lost a job, his or her partner left, or he or she has a tough medical diagnosis, for example.
But nobody wants to listen to endless ranting. So cut to the chase by moving the conversation (even if it's mostly one-sided barking, so far) to a more proactive realm. Basically you're saying, in a nice way, "So what do you want me to do about it?"
3. Offer what help you can -- or say clearly what you can't do.
What this sounds like: This can take several forms. You may be able to fill the desire: "Let me see if I can call the doctor for you and find out what the delay is." You may hear that an apology is desired, if you accept some fault for the situation: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the snack I ate was something you were saving for yourself. Please accept my apology -- I'll buy you a replacement."
Or you may decide that it's not within your power to help. If so, express that clearly: "I wish I could stay longer today to help, but I can't." Or, "I know you're mad about being fired and want your old job back, but I can't do anything about that. It is what it is."
Sometimes it's within your power to help, but you choose not to -- that's setting a boundary, and it's perfectly OK. Express it as a "can't" rather than a "don't want to": "I'm sorry, I wish I could help you with that, but I can't today."
Why it helps: You want to keep moving the situation along in a productive way. After the person expresses what he or she wants, decide what, if anything, you're able do, and say so.
