How do I make sure Dad gets the breaks he needs while taking care of Mom who has Alzheimer's?
My mother is showing signs of Moderate Alzheimer's. My father is the primary caregiver. I have seen him loose patience and become mean with my mother. I have offered to give him a break when ever he needs one but he rarely asks. How can I make sure he is getting the down time he needs to be a better caregiver. Also where can I pick up information for my dad to read on how to handle disagreements with an Alzheimer's patient, his wife??
Expert Answer
Gosh it must be so difficult for you to watch your mom progress with Alzheimer's disease (AD) and to be concerned about your dad at the same time. It's difficult enough to have an AD parent in your life without the added worry about the caregiver parent. You are not alone. This is one of the most frequently asked questions. The difficulty arises when we, as the child regardless of our age, can see what would benefit our parent who is the primary caregiver but the parent does not seem to be listening to us.
Perhaps you could try encouraging him to not argue so much with your mom as this causes her to be more aware of the losses she is undergoing. Help him to realize it is the disease that makes her disagreeable and not her intention to be that way. The best thing a caregiver can do is to support the affected spouse with as much agreement as possible. This helps the patient to have more positive self-esteem in the face of feeling confused and confounded in a world that is daily becoming less familiar. Your dad may find appeasing her to be counter-intuitive but do assure him that agreeing with her, no matter how nonsensical it may seem, will go a long way to creating a more positive environment. Positive interactions breed a calmer healthier caregiver and relationship!
I would also suggest, to give your dad a break, try telling him you will be there to visit mom on a given day and time. If possible do not ask him if he needs a break - just be there. Perhaps say, " I have some time on Tuesdays and Fridays and I'd like to use it to visit with mom". This makes it about you and does not hint at him wearing out. The most perfect scenario would be for you to set up these times that work well for you and make it an ongoing visiting time so that dad knows in advance that he will have scheduled free time. It is a sort of win-win-win situation.
This site, caring.com, has a great list online titled "8 Red Flags That an Alzheimer Caregiver Needs a Break". Perhaps read it yourself, print it out, and leave it in plain view for dad to read.
Do take care of yourself as well as your mom and dad.