Common causes of family tensions and disagreements
It shouldn't surprise anyone that sensitive family dynamics can be one of the most challenging aspects of caregiving for an elder, given the tremendous financial, physical, and emotional demands involved. This doesn't mean that family squabbles are inevitable. In fact, if managed well, the experience of caring for an older family member has the potential to bring relatives closer as you help this person through this final stage of life. Here's how to avoid conflicts with family members and work through them when they occur.
Typically, disagreements arise because of:
- Roles and rivalries dating back to childhood. Mature adults often find that they're back in the sandbox when their family gets together. This tendency can grow even more pronounced under the strain of caregiving.
If your sister was the favored child, for example, you may find that -- no matter how successful and capable you are now -- in your parents' or relatives' home you become a jealous, powerless little girl again.
- Disagreements over an elder's condition and capabilities. It's common for family members to have very different ideas about what's wrong with a loved one and what should be done about it. You may be convinced that your family member is no longer capable of driving, while your brothers argue that he needs to maintain his independence.
- Disagreements over financial matters and other practical issues. How to pay for a family member's care is often a huge cause of tension. Financial concerns can influence decisions about where the person should live, whether or not a particular medical intervention is needed, and whether he can afford a housekeeper. These conflicts are often fueled by ongoing resentment over income disparities and perceived inequities in the distribution of the family estate.
- Burden of care. Experts say the most common source of discord among family members occurs when the burden of caring for an elder isn't distributed equally. "Usually one of the adult children in the family takes on most of the care-giving tasks," says Donna Schempp, program director at the Family Caregivers Alliance, a national nonprofit organization that provides information and support to caregivers.
The primary caregiver might assume this role because he lives near the family member, is perceived to have the fewest obligations, or has the closest relationship with the person. Whatever the reasons, the situation is likely to make him resentful.
Hello 'mmmmm', Thank you for sharing your caregiving challenges. I'm sorry you are feeling so tired. Caring.com has a few resources that may be helpful in your quest for additional support with your loved one: 1.)Contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find Alzheimer's and Dementia support groups and organizations in your area. You may search for local resources in the Caring.com Senior Living Directory: http://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging 2.) If you haven't done so already, consider hiring in-home care so you can have respite once in a while: www.caring.com/local/in-home-care 3.) Caring.com's Caregiver Wellness Solution Center is also a great place to find resources to take care of yourself: http://www.caring.com/caregiver-wellness 4.) You may also search for keywords and caregiver related questions/topics in the Caring.com database at http://www.caring.com/search I hope this information is helpful to you. Don't hesitate to contact us if we may help you find other resources. Kind regards, -Sho from the Caring.com Community Team
Hi. I'm the caregiver in this situation. I love my mother to death but I'm tired. I have two siblings and one has no communication with my mother at all since staying here because of a fight my husband and brother had. It really breaks my heart. My sister says she has her own life. Getting ready to work, working out, ect. I would love to do those things too but I guess I just can't right now. I would do anything for my mother but I feel like I'm going down with her as well. I have become a 24 hour nurse. I have no life anymore. My life is just making sure my mother is fine. I have a wonderful husband who supports me but is affraid for my health. I try to talk to family about this situation but every one just gives me the answer of just pray. I believe in God and I know that this will not go on forever. I'm just tired.
Our disagreements are one of us wants to rush to take care and the other wants to let them have the independence to figure things out for themselves. Driving we agree on. What clothes should be what is chosen by the one who has our company.
Understanding why my sister is angry and needs help with our mom after 12 years of her care giving she never says anybody has help I did even caring for husband who is very sick even now
Seems I mispelled I meant spinalcord injury husband
I have had my mom every other month, for nine months and it is the right thing to do, my oldest sister needs time to she has had her for 12 years but I feel like she is punishing me I work like her over 40 standing and take care of soinalcird injury husband I know what its like been giving care to him for almodt 16 years seems he is getting worse, it makes me cry because mom got up hurting in her chest one morning and here he was hurting in his chest also I thought I was going to go nuts it is hard but my sister thinks her life is so bad I feel bad because I dont see it, she has dumped her off on seversl people in the past and when they move or whats isnt working for her she is now doing this month to month but e have 3 other sisters for what ever reasons she want even consider them helping like they ste not good enough, im very exhsusted and tired she says me to, its better for my mom becsuse she has not let my mom do anything and constantly fussing about things she has in her room and mom even givrs her 250.00 a month just to help her I do know this best b I really have alot on my plate . But I dont thing she cares she says she has always had to deal with her no matter what was going on in her lige and everbody has to take care of there mother, mom cried the first month and told me how she wa toward her and I had seen it some myself so I undertand she neds help mom is only 68 she treats her like shre cant do anything
I am the middle of five children. Our father passed away 20 years ago. My older sister has a disability and has her hands full taking care of herself and sometimes needs some assistance from our family. My older brother and I were finally successfully in moving our 82 year old, diabetic, vision impaired mother across the country to be closer to all of us children and grandchildren. We were not helped by the younger brother and sister. Indeed, they were as unhelpful as possible to the point of influencing our mother to stay where she was in a very lonely, unhealthy situation. My older brother and I prevailed; he took charge of the move-out operation and I took charge of her move-in situation. After staying 2 months with me, Mom has now been successfully moved into a beautiful private home with all of her things 2 1/2 miles from my home in a gated retirement community with many amenities. My older brother and I spent 4 months prioritizing this move and resettlement of our Mom. Our younger two siblings (brother and sister) are now in the embarrassing position of seeing our Mom situated in a very ideal living arrangement with all her daily needs and medical services taken care of. All takes that neither of them helped with. I am sure they hoped my older brother and I would fail and now that we have not only succeeded, but succeeded beautifully the younger two have tried to catch up by taking charge of a couple of I significant details, performed them incredibly inefficiently and trying to get super mileage out of their pitifully small effort. I did ask my younger brother to meet our mother for a medical procedure since I was sick and he responded with he couldn't just drop everything and go be with her. Mind you, I have dropped everything a lot over the past several months and so has my older brother, but this seems to be an unreasonable demand on my younger brother's time. I said I did think it was as possible for him to be there for our Mom as any of us even if it meant he had to drop everything and now my younger brother has taken this as his cue to react very stormily, saying bullying things to me. This is the second time he has tried to bait me into a divide so that he feels he has some justification to continue sidestepping his share of the responsibility for helping out with our mother. He has been super effusive in his "thanks" for all our older brother and I have done for Mom, like he had delegated that whole deal to us and we somehow managed to pull off the near impossible assignment with glowing results. He simply is too busy to help with anything himself. (He's currently unemployed and finds the time and resources to help out ministries of his choosing at his church; he just can't seem to do the same for our mother or to support the two of us who are getting the job done for her.) My younger sister is busy making vacation plans without a single thought to perhaps include our Mom for some of the close locales. I spend days/weeks/months 24/7 with my mother and find her company to be delightful as she is a very undemanding person. I spend the most time with her and help her sort through her paperwork, unpacking, etc. My older brother spends the next amount of time with her and calls her almost daily, even though he is the only one of us who lives in a different state. He calls me regularly to ask me what he can help with and anything I ask him to help with he does, quickly and gladly. And he travels here to help if it's necessary. Thank God for him, because the others are going to be worthless in this process of our Mom aging. My older brother and I are in agreement; our mother's assets are for her benefit. No one is to ask her for anything for themselves. There is no inheritance until someone dies and she is still very much alive. If managed properly she should be able to provide for herself for a long time. If there is anything left over when she goes, her will stipulates that the remaining estate will be split evenly 5 ways. If she runs out of assets and needs continued care, then the five of us are to share in that burden equally. Guess who I predict will be the first in line if there are assets left, and who I predict will not be answering any calls, texts, emails, letters, you name it, if our mother needs our financial help. Or anything else. I hope my older brother and I can keep up our mission of taking care of our mother. Ironically, he and I have both experienced cancer treatments. My younger brother and sister are already not in my good graces and we have barely begun this journey with our mother. They say and do the most immature, offensive things that do not help our mother at all. They don't seem to get it that this is about our mother, not any one of the five of us. I'm disappointed in my younger siblings and I doubt that will ever change now, other than to get worse as time goes on. I have a lot of admiration for my older brother. He is as he always was; dependable, giving and sensible. At least Mom and I have him and each other. Phooey on the younger two. They can pick all the fights they want. I know it's only a ploy to make them feel like they are justified in turning their backs and running away from a very important shared mission. They are not needed because they very much do not want to be any kind of caretaker for their elderly mother. I've heard plenty about the children in the family who take this cowardly role and try to assuage their guilt by projecting any kind of blame they can conjure up and heap it on their siblings who shoulder the burdens of elder care.
It seems to be a gender thing - that somehow females are supposed to look after family, but males do not. I get complained to all the time about what needs to be done, but when the males in my family come around, all is wonderful. They tell them that they don't need anything (of course not - I've already done everything!) The other day, I just put my foot down and refused to do an errand. I said 'either get them to do it, or it won't get done.' Needless to say, parents did not like it one bit. I hate to have to be so aggressive and always feel that I can't let my guard down around my own family without getting taken advantage of. I think it also impacts the way I feel about other people, because I fear getting close to people, afraid that I will get overwhelmed with their problems.
We (my wife and I) get to see both sides of this. My mom will never ask my brother or I for any help, even when we volunteer, her response is "don't worry your sister will do it." On the other hand, my wife has to do everything for her dad. He has a son, but he knows that the son is completely unreliable (unless, of course it is for a free dinner out or trip to Hawaii.) He recently cost us about $19,000 because he "forgot" to sell a stock out of our LLC. My wife spends hours each week, doing "stuff " for her dad. Her dad constantly wants to have "meetings' which alway drag on until the evening so she has to go to dinner with him, when we take him home (thank god he is not driving) he always insists that we come-in because he has something he "has" to show us. That typically adds 45 minutes to every dinner.
Hello Anonymous, Thank you very much for your question, if you'd like you can post it in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps! Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
What if your parents will not call on the other children because they don't want to 'bother' them? It's ok for me to do everything, but they don't want to inconvenience the other kids. In addition, I am also looking after a relative whose own kids don't want to bother.
I have continue to care for my mom for 28 months now, and love being with her.....My family gives me little support, none to say the least. Yes, I took this responsibility on. I have been a cna and ma, and truly seen what goes on in facility. I have seen one client who swears it the best in the world, and in the same facilityI have seen neglect. So I do not have a lot of faith in facilitie care. My family give me no support, not even a pat on the back.
I'm the sibling who lives four hours away from elderly parents. My only sibling, my sister live in the same town that my parents do. So she's it. The difference between our situation and what has been posted here is that our mother is in an assisted living facility and our father is in an Alzheimer's/Dementia facility. So no family member is burdened by daily caregiving. Here's our problem - our father had a stroke in 2005 that left him completely blind. He handles it very well. My sister feels bad for him because most of the activities at these kinds of facilities are for people who can see. Our mother, whose facility is next door to Dad's, goes to see him every morning. My sister decided that she would go see him every afternoon to help break up his days. I warned her when she started this routine that he would eventually expect it and she would burn out if she didn't take a couple of days off or change the time in order to have her own life. She has continued this routine now for 2 years and is angry because she needs a break. I have told her all along that she needs to give herself permission to change her routine because she's burning out. She wants a break from that afternoon visit and wants me to "fill in" for her while she goes on vacation. I think that routine is will just perpetuate the whole problem. I told her that Dad understands that she needs a vacation and would be the first to tell her to go. He will still see Mom every day. He'll miss my sister's visits and will look forward to them again. I told her it would be a good time to start changing the frequency when she gets back. She won't go unless I come up to relieve her. It's not necessary in my eyes but it is in hers. She's given me the cold shoulder for 2 months now. I asked her what's wrong and she went off on me, bringing up things from 2009 that she's still mad about and told me I'm no sister to her at all. She does have a personality disorder. If you disagree with her, you had better watch out. Nothing you can do or say is good enough, often enough, etc. She's a perfectionist and everything is black and white. She's controlling and is trying to bully me into something I don't want to do. I come see my parents about once every 4-6 weeks depending on my business. I stay for 3 days each time. I take Mom out to dinner and run errands for her, go see my Dad and bring him treats. I also call both of them daily when I'm not there have done that since 2005. I like to let them know what's going on with my family and they like the updates. It also gives me a reading as to how they are doing. My sister has created a situation for herself and has painted herself into her own corner. I come when it's convenient for me and my business. She says that I'm selfish and use my work as an excuse. She's retired. She wants me to move back up where our parents live so she can have a break. My living up there wouldn't change anything except she would try to control me more, pressure me with more guilt, etc. She wanted me to pay their bills and do their banking. I told her I'd be happy to do it but I'd be setting everything up online. Unfortunately there are no branches of their banks where I live. Their bank told my sister it would be better if she did their banking since she lives where they do. She's mad about that. But my parents SS checks are auto deposited, they have two rental properties and get 2 rent checks that have to be deposited. Their bills are their rent to each of their care facilities, Mom's phone and the hoa monthly dues for one of their rentals. They own these properties outright so there is no mortgage. The property taxes are also due twice a year for each property as well. I do their income taxes. So you can see it's a bad situation. My sister told me that she's done with me. I'm no sister at all to her. I felt like I'd been shot in the stomach when I got that email. But now that a couple of days have past, I'm just sad for her. She's about to explode but there is no reason it has to be this way. If I cave into to her demands, she's going to feel she can continue to harass me in whatever manner it takes to have her way. I'd like some feedback. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to make sure you know that this is another kind of problem families can get into, even if they aren't the daily caregivers. Our relationship is now damaged. From my point of view the things she said in writing go beyond repair unless she could appologize, which she has never in her life. I'm sure that her point of view is that I am the one who has caused her to be overwhelmed and made her angry, so it's my fault. If I would have done what she wanted me to do, then she wouldn't have gotten mad or said the things she did. It's just sad.
Hello 42neb, Thank you for your comment. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
My heart goes out to everyone who are caretakers with no help. And what about the single adult child with no spouse for support? But I am one of those dead beat out of state siblings that does not help. When my mom and dad moved to FL from WI all was ok. Mom died and my dad did not want to leave FL. My 1 sister lives in LA and has a special needs child and cannot help. My other sister lives in WI. When dad finally said OK i'll move home I suggested he move to SC where I live. I found an apartment for him and tryed to convince him and my sisters that it would be OK. My LA sister thought it would be good because the weather is better in south carolina than wisconsin. No. My sister in WI and my dad wanted him to move back north. I moved him to Wisconsin! My sister and her family were too busy. I worked for a fortune 500 and had the vacation and funds to do that. But since that time my life has blown up. i have been laid off 3 times and now I am self employed, and have a part time job. I work from 12 to 15 hours a day[part time, job search and consulting/sales]. I also got divorced [not my choice] and my x-wife left me with all of the debt and a house that is upside down and falling apart. Over the years i made a point to go to WI at least twice a year to see dad. But now when i do i use $'s tagged for bills so I am cronically delinquent. My dad has gotten progressively worse over the years and has been very ill. He went into a nursing home but may get better but if he does he will not be able to live alone. I spent almost a month up there and lost a few customers. in this economy i cant aford to carry those kinds of losses. my sister in WI has all the control. She is on all of dad's accounts and has made sure that she has all of the POA and rights to make decisions without my sister and I. This is OK by both sis and I because dad is closest to my other sister in WI. I do not care about that. But what upsets me is that my sister has a real good way of making me feel very guilty because i cant help. She does not do this to our other sister in LA. Its like I am being punished because I made some poor choices [in a wife] and am now single so I can do what I want.....I cant help financially and I cant afford to spend weeks on end away from my jobs. One of the debts my wife left me with is with the irs - she has a home decorating business and as a result of an audit they considered her business a hobby. I have to make those payments because i'm the only one left wit hte house. I have no equity in anything due to these debts so financially i could not generate any extra money. i have no health insurance and i have a 20K bill from when i fell last year and was hospitalized. I should have another surgery on my back, and knee but with no insurance i just do not go to the doctor. I am in constant pain and sometimes I have a hard time getting up from a chair and I have to take stairs one at a time. yesterday i was driving home from a job and i got pain in my chest - like nothing i've ever had before - it scared me. i'm over weight and my blood presher is always 180 over 100+, 193 over 105 etc. again since i have no insurance i do not take blood preasure meds. my sisters have no idea how bad my financial situation is nor how my health is. since my divorce i have been in church counseling yet there are times that i feel so suicidal - its over whelming. but when my sister calls to remind me how stressed she is and how bad things are that she is having to deal with everything that dad's illness and pending nursing home costs etc.cause, i just listen. She acts as if i have no clue what she is going through. But i do. I have told her that i am greatful that she is there, i pray for her, i've asked my mens bible study to pray for dad and my sister. I've even told her that i am sorry that she is having to deal with this. But what can i do in SC? i offered to come up in a month for a week to give her a break. i know its not enough but i will also not pay certain bills in order to be able to pay for the trip, and pray that my truck with 150k miles on it makes it [no truck = no car = no way to work on customer's jobs]. i might also add that my sister has never worked, she went to college, got married and had a family. Her husband had a very successful business which they sold. They are also well off and their house is paid for. They have investments, retirement accounts, long term care insurance, trusts etc. All of her children are degreed professionals. I do not even have any children that i could turn to when i am older or sick. i will be 57 and i am scared to death of not being able to continue to work and earn money - i'm scare to death of being homeless. my sister in la has a great support group and she understands why i cant leave and help in WI. My sister in LA tells me that our sister in WI has always wanted to be in control and now that she has it it is all our fault. When I fell I broke my leg. No one even offered to come to SC to help me. I did not expect it. I knew that both my sisters had obligations LA=Billy and WI=Dad. How can i get my sister to understand that i am very upset that i am in the financial and physical condition i am in; that i am down here, unable to drop every thing to go and help her, and especialy upset that I do not have the resources to help or even pay for the costs that are mounting and will continue to mount because dad has no assets. My biggest fear is that my dad's soc. sec. and pension will not be enough to pay the nursing home and my sister will "crack" and the home will put him out on the street. If that happens I will drive up there, pick him up, get some help to get him in the truck and drive him down to SC and then I will somehow get power of attorney and get my sister off his accounts to pay for someone to be here while I am working. Anyone have any suggestions or insight? Sorry this is so long.
I think people are pretty selfish when is comes to end of life considerations. I include people who are doing care-giving and those who are not. A lot of times people who are caretaking are more worried about what they are getting out of doing so. I know of two situations in my family and my husband's where someone literally only took responsibility for an elderly parent's care if they could have more inheritance than any other sibling(s). Then there have been the situations where estranged adult children are expected to come running after years of abuse and take care of now sick elderly parents because nobody else wants to do it. And don't get me started on how soon the will and estate bickering begins even when a parent (or parents) are years from their demise. I think we could all maybe be a little less awful when it comes to our families and things would go much better.
Intuitively the answer to this question would seem to be no. But I don't really think that is always the case and wonder if this question should be explored more carefully: Does the burden or financial obligations of the government cumulatively get reduced when a senior spouse divorces a seriously ill Alzheimer spouse? My guess is than in many situations the answer is no the states obiligations may increase. But if this question was looked at across a larger number of people who chose to divorce their Alzheimer's spouse is there an analysis which would support the math that the governments financial obligation becomes less?
I have read many of these comments and can certainly empathize with many of the responders. Although mediation is a great idea as is the idea of group meetings, conference calls and efforts to reconcile difficult relationships, I think at some point (at this will vary from person to person) you as the caregiver have to say "enough." I have two siblings who think I have it made because I have "free" room and board as the caregiver to my father with AD and a special needs brother. They contribute NOTHING. For many of the offered suggestions to work (i.e. mediation,etc.) each person has to be willing to acknowledge there is a problem, something my siblings can't or won't do. So I choose to take one day at a time and am thankful for each and every day I have with my guys. I will certainly have my hands full when there is an estate to settle, but for now I choose to focus on the positive and ignore the rest. Good luck to each and every one of us who are in this difficult situation.
Boy, my family and I could have used this the other day. Although, we have used a mediator recently and I also hired a Geriatric Care Manager last year, things continue to go downhill for me and my three siblings. Sometimes situations are so complicated that it seems as if nothing will help our situation. But all of this is excellent information! Thanks :)
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Having formal meetings (or even conference calls) carry too much baggage, everyone there comes with expectations of what will be "resolved" today. If you are more informal i.e. an email after taking your mom/dad to the doctor or even just a quick visit to mom/dad, everyone feels they are more in the loop, and you may spot trends earlier if more than one person is sharing the caregiving. For example, mom/dad missed taking their medicine on the day you visit (could be a one time thing) but if someone else stops by 3 days later and mom/dad have skipped meds again, then you have a trend.
April, 2008 my brother stole my mother who was diagnosed with Alzhemer's since 2005. I asked him for a break and he contacted attorney and he and my sister who lives out of the country refused to return her to me at the designated date. After very expensive attorney fees which her estate paid, I paid my own leaving me without any savings she was returned Christmas 2008. I had to sign a trust which said she would sell her beloved home and 12 acres of land if it could be sold. Luckily the market is horrible and it does not sell. It needs a new roof and repairs. I signed the trust under duress to have her returned. She wept as I pulled away but came back with joy. Now 2011 I am given a part of her income with the remaining being left in the trust where he is listed. He does not visit or call and I am the only caregiver. I cannot work. Money is tight and I am tired of being taken advantage of them.Any ideas?
Hugs GALOWA
I am 1 of 4 adult siblings who was faced with estrangement issues of 2 siblings when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. I am the only "local" child and in fact, moved from 3,000 miles away to take care of my mother. For 7 years my elder sister and I did everything and my 2 younger siblings did nothing to help us. When my mother became critically ill and almost passed away, all of a sudden the 2 estranged siblings began interfeence demanding to be part of the decision making process and it was very traumatic. I felt deeply betrayed and hurt and in fact, "resigned" as my mother's caretaker because it was killing me. So, I urge all siblings to work out their issues regarding their parents' end of life wishes while the parent is healthy and able to make sound decisions. It may be uncomfortable but it's not as bad as full out family warfare when your parent is on her deathbed. By the way, she did not die, but my eldest sister was able to make several accommodations that freed me from my difficult burden. I still visit my mother, but I am no longer her "caretaker". She is in a fine facility and I had to "let go". The social worker told me I am grieving and to allow myself to go through the process. I am now able to concentrate on my own health and well being which was failing. Because of that, I can now love my mother without resentment towards my siblings. It is IMPERATIVE that these issues be worked on in families BEFORE the onset of severe illness. My mother had no plans and therefore, when she became ill, the door was open to 4 interpretations of how to care for her based on each child's relationship with her and their financial condition. And yes, what saved us was the Power of Attorney which my eldest sister had the foresight to obtain while my mother was still lucid. In fact, that was the only thing that saved this family from disintegrating at that awful time.
Really affirming and informative on what's needed and helpful for success in caregiving. Family issues have been a struggle for us - better now as we're nearing the end of our caregiving for my mom, who is nearly 93 and has Alzheimer's. I'm grateful for the sound advice you gave. I encourage both primary caregivers and siblings caring from afar to take this excellent advice under serious consideration. If families are not supportive in giving what the caregiver needs, it can still be found. The amazing support and encouragement my husband and I received came from a community resource for caregivers, from local programs, our church, and from wonderful friends, including those who are or have been in caregiving situations. We also paid for counseling to help us understand what was missing in our family connections, which helped each of us to state what we needed without apology. It took a lot of research and organization, but we were able to obtain the help and emotional support we needed. It has all been worth it. We've been able to give Mom respect, love, support, and dignity that she wouldn't otherwise have received as her very self declined over the past year and a half. We would do it all again.
In the end the family conflicts don't matter much. As we are going through the caregiving, it seems overwhelming but the death of that loved one leaves a void. Mom died on March 12. Those resentments are still there somewhat but they are not so important anymore ...Mom was the reason we had the conflicts..We were both trying to do what was right for her and I suspect every one of you is trying to do the same. Try to remember that this too shall pass. And then you wonder.....what now??? God be with all of you as you continue on this journey. I know it is difficult. Most often our parents or spouses will never know the sacrifices we have made to keep them safe and out of a nursing home.
Hi martita, Thank you for your question. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
I am 74 years old mother retired 12 years, live public housing for 32 yrs., family other country - only son 43 yrs old, married two years West away from 30+. He and wife have good jobs. I live in public housing on extreme low income. Only last 4 years has been generous with essential expenses, but lacks of loving caring attitudes and have small priority in his life. Often when conversing brings discussions to taking positions of blames me for wanting control and end on emotional disengagement. Specially when I point his lack of connectivity toward my life in general and feel no understanding or support for my lifeproblems. Our LD conversation often end in he thinking I want to have control which he ends disengaging on the issues discussed. Am I wrong in thinking living closer that 2 thou miles will make a difference in upcoming years? Am I making a mistake? - have small savings to move, but it looks as if really does not want me around, would this change? Maybe he is worry if expenses and demands on our relationship, but I have not done that now or planning to do it. He also keeps wife totally away from engaging relations with me. Need to have an intelligent way to communicate my needs and my ageing problems without conflict. advice please. thanks.
I just did a web visit of the suggestions made by annonomous in the last post. The nearest Home instead office is over 100 miles away from us. I took the stress test at caregiverstress.com and did just slightly better than on this site. I read the birth order effect page and ,yes, I am the youngest, but: I was never the favorite child, lived the farthest away, by thousands of miles, the middle children were and and continue to be the trouble makers, NOT the peace makers, and the oldest sibling died 4 years into my being here taking care of mother. The problem with comments made on birth order is that it is tainted by the person making the comments! The fact that it states that most of the caregivers are the youngest child speaks volumes to me! And not for any of the reasons listed. Sibling issues are as varied as can be. If I comment on why I think the youngest child is more often the care provider, then someone else who is a caregiver who is not the youngest of their family, is going to take offense for reasons that are different than mine. I think WHO EVER is a caregiver is a different type of person than those who do not, or will not choose to be one. What we as caregivers have in common is that we are putting someone elses quality of life ahead of our own. People who choose to put themselves first, do it for their own reasons. That's their choice. The fact that we as caregivers, don't always or completely understand how or why that choice was made, is no different than than the non caregivers not understanding how or why we chose to be a caregiver. I struggle with that question myself. If there were more help available to us, maybe I could take better care of myself. But sometimes, it's easier to accept that I am it and I need to do the best job I can. My dad used to say to me: who ever told you life was going to be fair? And then he would say: just remember, they can't all be as perfect as you and I! (then he'd give me a wink) My dad was the youngest in his family, too. I don't hate my siblings or their families. I pity them for all they have lost by choosing, for what ever reasons they have, to NOT be a part of Mom's elder years. I don't know if I am the all time best caregiver my parents could have ever had, but having them tell me they don't know what would have happened to them if it weren't for me (the child they didn't plan, the child they least understood, the least favorite child). I guess the lesson here is the child that you love the most might not be the one that loves YOU the most! Please don't be offended by my comments, anyone, we all have a story here and I have not posted anything here that is meant to offend anyone. I am just "in" the conversation!
To all of you and "somewhere": I could not have said it any differently. I was so angry at first, but now I only feel sadness. My mom sits here day after day and I know in her mind she wonders why my sister doesn't call or plan a day with her. This is what tears me up inside. I keep trying to figure out why; and for now I just have to let it go and focus on my mother. She is the whole issue here, not the others who obviously make up every flimsy excuse in the book to justify their poor behavior! I don't want her to die with me being bitter and angry at them even though they owerd her more than they ever gave. They will be the ones (my sister and her grown children and grandchildren) who will be "suffering" the most at the funeral. I will be the one with my grandchildren who did all we could to show her how much we always loved her for what she gave and did. I'm not angry anymore because I have all of you here when I am in need of support and love. Thank you all so much.
Hugs watchdogX2, kms212
The point about roles and rivalries is right on. My wife is 8 years older than her brother and basically raised him because the parents were too busy travelling. Now, we can not have a meeting without the younger brother pointing out that he "has a degree in business from the local University" and his sister only finished 2 years of college, so in any financial discussion, he is obviously superior to his elder sister. This invariably comes up in meetings with the father when finances are being discussed. As the son-in-law, I feel I am the third wheel in these discussions, and would like to defuse some of this. The other problem is that the father enjoys this conflict between his daughter and son, so he continually brings up topics he knows will cause an argument (to him, it is not a good meal, unless there is at least one argument that gets to the shouting stage, or at least one family member gets up and leaves,) As the "outsider" I am not sure how to handle these dynamics.
well, watchdog, you've come to the right place! Your story sounds much like the rest of ours in many ways! My family makes excuses, I do everything else! But, my Mom knows who stepped up and who stepped out! And so did my dad! There is nothing to squabble over when Mom is gone because my sister made sure of that years ago. I didn't choose to be the caregiver because I would benefit financially after they were gone and who would want that person for their caregiver! Yikes! Hopefully you can find a way to get some xtra help financially for your sister. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Many heirs are anxious to get their inheritance. Decisions to hire aides or place in assisted living are often seen as financially irresponsible " for a person who is out of it anyway". Every time I make a decision to spend money on my 87 year old mother's quality of life, I am terrified that I will be sued by my brother and his family. Aside from the Alzheimer's she is very healthy , takes very little medication, can walk and eat anything. I am extraordinarily lucky that my father wrote a will two years before he died leaving me as the sole executor. My father had the type of personality that did not want to face his own mortality, and did not care what happened after he died. My 60 year old brother is a general practioner, MD - four years ago he told me that the only help he would give me with my mother was a " Do Not Resusitate Order". My brother sees his mother once or twice a year ( we live in the same city) at family parties, and his wife and adult children see her even less. He has told relatives that he does not visit because he does not think that she recognizes him. He would say that I am too protective of her, and I probably am. None of the suggestions above address inheritance which is one of the main issues that causes problems.
Validation - as I am the sole caregiver to AD mom and MR sister. Out of State sister is POA controls the money with a whip in her hands. Yes the bills are paid by attny. but nothing left for fun especially with MR sister. She is legally blind, diabetic, cardiomyopathy, glacoma and short life expectancy. Mediator sounds like a good idea since brother, local, MD and never heard from or answers phone calls from my home number. Not surprised, he did the same when I was caring for our now deceased father. Both siblings are VERY successful and wealthy. I'm on disability for depression - how convenient for them. Enough of my pity party. I'm the loved one!
Mom is in the "home" now, weighs 80 pounds, won't look at us, (although she was very friendly yesterday when I brought the grandbaby in to see her), her oxygen level is way high (because they can't keep it under 92 where the doctor says it should be and mom is confused as to whether it is day or night because she doesn't leave her room. I guess that she is having some type of therapy but today told me that my sister didn't want her. I said no mom, neither of us want you to fall and that you need to get your strength up before we could even consider bringing you home. Right now, she is in a wheelchair, diapers, and sleeps most of the day. My sister came in tonight and said ...mom's trying to make me feel guilty for putting her here...(I'm thinking, you know it's not about you, it's about mom and maybe mom is sick and/or dying) I wish I knew and I do think there is the potential for our parents to believe that we can continue to take care of them until they are gone because they raised us...but hey, they were a little younger!! And we were getting stronger, not weaker. Anyway, it was a good day yesterday with mom but a bad day today. I know she doesn't want to be there but she needs to be at least until she can use a walker again... She doesn't want to watch tv, play computer (which she used to do all the time), answer the telephone, etc. I think that she needs to talk to someone about her feelings. And I wonder if she is being realistic as I know at some point they revert back to childhood. I just hate watching this downfall... She is such a wonderful mother and is no longer very happy or aware of things. She keeps telling me that they put her to sleep in her clothes (untrue) and that she sleeps all the time...don't know if this is true or not. But I wish I knew.
EXPECTING HELP wastes time we should spend GETTING REAL HELP.
FEAR of COMMITMENT prevents people from offering to help AT ALL...
Sometimes we NEITHER LOVE nor LIKE a parent. NO EXPLANATION required...
My mother's Alzheimers reached its later stages just recently and I am beside myself on how to handle the situation. You see, she refuses to use her money to hire extra care-givers, and wonders out loud why her children can't take care of her. It breaks my heart when she says that because she has seven children, but only two (my sister and myself) actually do take care of her. I have to say that three of them live in other states and can't be held too accountable but I do feel they could do more. My problem is that I have two other sisters that live close to my mother. One has finally begun to help one day a week (sometimes) while the other refuses to be of any help whatsoever. My older sister who does help does not get along with my mother very well and has a variety of illnesses that prevent her from doing heavy work. I, myself, have HIV and feel myself slowly slipping away due to the work load and especially the anxiety. And then there is the anger I feel towards my sisters who don't help. They know the toll it is taking on me and don't care. I am on oxygen and blind in one eye and lately I have taken to breaking out all over my face when I spend time four, five or six consecutive days with my mother. I know it is stress and I get it about every three weeks. I know that if I could get some help with some days away I could go on a little longer, but with her refusing to pay and my siblings refusing to help, I just don't know what to do. I have been told to stop what I am doing by my doctors or I won't be around much longer, but I can't bare the thought of a nursing home. I just needed to write this down and get some of it out of my system. Thanks for listening.
Hugs GALOWA
Ok... so this is what happened today. First, my sister, who works at the hospital calls and tells me about all of her stressors because she keeps getting calls about mom's care. I know that she is trying to work and they can call me but why would they if she is right there. Anyway, she says....I've been at the hospital all week....can you visit her on the weekend???? I'm thinking that today is the ONLY day all week I have not been there and I have not been working there but making a special effort to go there and because her job just happens to be there, she is tired of going there all week. My thinking is that now that she got mom in there, she will expect that I take over all of the care on the weekends so that her weekends can be free and I can care for mom...(forget I have a husband that works all week). I'm sorry but that I'm TOOOO busy cause I work has gotten to me too. I am retired and currently, I am helping one daughter take her children to appointments and herself to appointments because she fell and broke a leg and I am babysitting nights for the other daughter because the baby's father died in October plus I am now making special trips to the hospital to see mom and trying to keep up my own appointments....some retirement huh..... But I'm not working so I have more time....F>>>> that. I do have more time and more running around and less free time than I had when I worked! My sister's live in friend does her laundry, cleans her house and does her errands...my live in husband works and comes home with the expectation that dinner is ready and the house is liveable...big deal right??? I'm now going to a counselor for my depression, an eye doctor for my vision, a physician for headaches and because my sister works, I'm now the one who has taken on the rent of mom's house which is being rented by my daughter and now we may have to raise her rent because we have to pay for mom's medicaid to keep her in the nursing home. My daughter who works as a waitress, lost her baby's father and makes too much to get public assistance because she has been saving money that she can't touch to buy the house that now she might not be able to because of the medicaid....I'm stressed....can you tell????
Hugs dettgrfan1
Yes, I am very happy Mom rides her bike. Even her Drs. are impressed with her execising every day! I don't have to tell her to do it, it is part of her day. She is much healthier today than she was ten years ago, but then again, not. Complexed situation! As her diabetes takes it's toll on her other organs, her legs and heart are stronger because of her willingness to exercise. We monitor her diabetes closely, but 27 years of it takes a toll, and it was not managed as well before I came on board. I have a hard time with it when the comment is made that others can't help because "they" have a job. Really? So, let's see, you get to shower everyday, fix your hair and makeup, LEAVE your house, interact w/ others socially, have lunch dates, get a paycheck and then have two days off and plan vacations w/ your spouse? Wow! That does sound different from my life! But I remember that life...and I gave it all up under they understanding that I would have help and support from them when I left all that behind. And even when I did have all that, I still volunteered several places and helped an elderly couple on my street several times a week. So, I don't buy the "we don't have time, we work" answer. Yes, some of my family "can't handle" certain elements of home care and I would no way expect most of them to be able to handle assisting w/ bath time. And they don't have to give mom her injections, but they do need to know how to test her blood and fill a syringe. I don't think I am angry with my family. I feel embarrassed of them. None of what I do is too hard to do or learn. It's only because no one else will step up and realize what it is like for both Mom and me. I have talked to several of them several times! Every year at Christmas time I get calls saying what can we get Grandma for Christmas. I tell them the same thing every year: She doesn't NEED stuff, she needs you to come visit even just once a month...give her a coupon book that is for lunch w/ you here or take her out; or ten games of cards with Grandma, or a drive to see the Christmas lights around town. It never happens. They bring or send over lotions or gift certs. to get her hair done, but no gift of time. She thinks they don't love or like her. And I find myself using the same lame excuses...they're busy, they "work", etc. I know talking about this is doing no good, but I feel bad that my husband and I are losing our relationship more everyday, because he ends up being the one who I vent to. I don't want to do that. We are all so excited that our daughter gets to come here for a week. It is and always has been her choice to participate in Grandma Care. They hug each other and cry when she comes and when she leaves. They play cards and look at magazines and laugh and giggle like young girls. Mom loves her so much that she can not talk about her without crying! Mom wants to move closer to her! And that is what we are in the process of planning to do. I feel guilty about taking mom away from here, where almost all the other children and Grand and Great Granchildren live, but Mom says ," They won't even know we've left!" Thanks for listening.....gotta go it's bath and hair appt day...for Mom.
By the way, I went back and saw on Somedays note that her mother rode her exercise bike...don't let her stop that....My mom just sat in a computer chair for most of the day even balking at taking her dishes to the kitchen. Movement is so important as we age. Mom is now too weak to stay at home.
SOmeday...I agree with your disgust over your family suddenly turning their backs on mom/grandma. My family is quite the opposite about mom except for one of my nieces, who was a lot more unwilling than the rest but still helped on occasion. She lived across the street from my sister, however, when mom's care took on bigger proportions, she became more and more distant. It is not that the love is gone, but sometimes I think people are afraid of what they might see. I know it is difficult for me to see mom this way but I try anyway to see her every day... Also, I think people get busy (of course, we as caregivers would like to have the free time to be busy as well ) I think it is true that this can tear families apart given that everyone wants their own life. Just remember if it becomes too hard, you have to be able to try to let go. I know I have been having difficulty with this but my sister (who worked) had an easier time of it. We have tried to take care of all of mom's needs for five years now and before that I took care of mom and dad's day to day needs as they no longer drove and my sister would help them with lawn mowing, home repairs, etc. on the weekends. So we have been in this health care business for nine years now. Mom and Dad raised us to be independent but there is a time when we all become dependent again. It's difficult but sometimes you can only go so far with the care. Try not to beat yourself up if you need more help or (GOD FORBID) a nursing home. We are in the nursing home as of this week and they have already made the mistake of giving mom too much oxygen but we are watching and mom is very weak. If she were stronger, I would feel differently but as it is she can do little for herself. At this point, mom told us that we have no other choice and I would hope that most parents would care enough to feel the same.
We are all sort of in the same boat. First of all, on these pages, we feel free to discuss our frustrations, because it seems we have no other safe place to do that. That being said, please know that I never mean to sound as if I have it better or worse than the other care givers who found this space as an outlet to an otherwise confined life as a caregiver. If circumstances dictate that we have to put our loved one in a nursing home or assisted living place, then we do it based on the situation before us. And certainly not with any judgement from anyone on here! I'll know when that time comes. And I am sure it''l be hard for both Mom and I. Please do not assume that I had the benefit of being raised as the charmed baby of the family! Quite the opposite! I was the ooops child and the invisible child. But I am the strongest, the most capable, the one who lived 3 thousand miles away, the one who is here doing the caregiving. I don't need kudos for that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't feel that's what I am supposed to do. It's what we all should feel compelled to do. I struggle with trying to understand how the rest of my family feels: nothing! It's like I am in a Twilight Zone Movie! How do you have no feelings of compassion at all? THAT's what mkes me feel like throwing up; to know they are my siblings and their children and grandchildren and we have nothing in common. It would be easier, I think, if we move away from here, and that is a very strong possibility. We can die anywhere, and we all will, so we might as well live somewhere that we like!
I agree with you about finding time for yourself. It seems that if you do find time for yourself, there is the worry about mom and that constant worry is hard to get away from. For the past year my sister and I have split mom's care right down the middle..three weeks here, three weeks there. It worked well until this last time that mom got so weakened and fell. Even though mom is bad right now, both my sister and myself feel that if we knew that the end was near, we would like to have mom back home but this not knowing and her needs becoming so much more, would make it impossible to share her care and impossible for one or the other of us to do it full time but I told mom that I will continue to be here for her. I will visit her and be around and if she gets stronger, will take her out for a visit or two. But right now, she is extremely weak. And has little or no interest and she actually told my daughter that she was dying. But the doctors could pinpoint nothing that caused her to get so weak other than the fact that she stopped eating and no one knows why she stopped eating. But I believe that there was something wrong with her that the antibiotics had either masked or taken care of prior to her hospitalization. But she really does look worse. I think that my sister wanted me to take this on full time but I felt that I just couldn't do it. I haven't had much of a break since I retired almost 9 years ago and I'm so hopeful that this time will help so that I can consider bringing her home again but I do know that she will only get worse. My mother lived full time with my sister until last year when we decided to split her care. My sister travels a lot and prior to this last year, there always needed to be someone to care for mom when my sister was gone. I quite often spent the night with mom while my sister was gone, leaving my husband and home behind. I was also the one responsible for all of mom's medical trips, eyeglasses, trips out of town for her vision, etc. so we thought we had shared it but it became too much for my sister because she works full time and I know she could not care for mom in her home. And mom stopped doing anything for herself. I also knew that at mom's weakest state right now, I could not do it. Although I do not work, I am physically and mentally drained right now and have been doing doctor's appointments for both of my parents since I retired. (9 years ago). I understand that my sister will not do it anymore and I hope that mom can get along in the home. But we both know we have the option of removing her.
BTW, I made the same promise you did - "NO NURSING HOME, EVER." And it was an UNREASONABLE promise either to make OR to be asked to make. As if anyone could ever really know what the future might hold! (What if you were suddenly to become a paraplegic - wouldn't you HAVE to reconsider? Or would you expect your daughter to drop her life and care for YOUR mother to fulfill YOUR promise? ) THINK ABOUT IT. The cycle must stop somewhere. In my life, it stops with ME. And, it stops NOW. Take care . ©suzannemcable.2.24.2011
Dear someday~~~ My perspective is altered by knowing your mother does not have dementia... MY mother DOES - and it makes all the difference. It sounds like you have two issues - "caregiver burnout" and "family resentment" toward your entire family because 1) they don't help you at all, and 2) because they don't pay any attention to their mother/grandmother. You can't do anything about #2, so it is best to be honest with your mother, occasionally make apologies for them, and let it go. Resentment will eat you alive and compound your exhaustion. Trust me - I know! (Are you sure we're not from the same family?) ...I know you love your mother... Keep in mind, though, that she raised your siblings 1) before she raised you AND 2) while under duress from caring for HER elders. So your sibs may have gotten the WORST of her temper, frustration and exhaustion, while you, the baby, benefited from her "learning curve" and her "reduced workload" and got the BEST of her - a mature mother's love. (I am the oldest, so TRUST ME, I know what I'm talking about.) So let your resentment go and fill your other needs, which are for actual caregiving help and social activities for your mom. (MANY organizations for that, starting with churches, schools, etc. which have visitation programs, and Senior Centers and programs...) Again, see the FCA link below. Be grateful you are not dealing with Alzheimer's Disease. Support for AD is limited by the difficulty of handling/ communicating with this population as the illness advances. My 83 yo mother is sitting at the dining room table tearing pages out of magazines and systematically reducing them to confetti - which is fine with me right now. (At least she is too busy to attack me - verbally OR physically - as I had more than my share of that when I was a child...) Take care! ~~ Galowa~~ ©suzannemcable.2.24.2011
I promised both of my parents that I would not put them in a nursing home unless it became a 'have to' situation where I could not care for them at home. I kept that promise to my dad and will never regret that. My mom is so afraid to go into a nursing home and I am afraid for her when she has been in there. And I am not in denile about this, please understand, mom is mostly "with it" mentally. She needs a walker most of the time, otherwise at least a cane and me on the other side of her. She is most comfortable sitting due to spinal stenosis. She does, however ride her exercise bike two times a day, 5 miles each time. I assist her at bath time. I make all the meals do all the housework and all her meds. and get her to all of her appointments here and out of town. Her diabetes is why I can not leave her alone for more than short periods of time. I am not expecting any of my family to do any of these things; all I really need is for them to realize they should be spending some time with HER! Good grief! Does some one really have to tell these adult children, adult grandchildren, adult great grandchildren that they SHOULD spend time w/ THEIR Grandma! She would love to look forward to a game of cribbage with any of them! How simple is that? How much time would that take? And what a huge difference it would be to Mom! My daughter took care of Mom for two years while finishing highschool, taking college courses and working part time. That was years 8 & 9 ago! Next week she is traveling back here for her "spring break" so she can spend it with Mom because this Spring she will leave for her residency year for grad school and WON"T be able to come see Grandma. As for the previous generations not having to deal with caring for the elderly, you're right, people did not as often live this long, but my mom took care of both of her parents while she had young children at home and while pregnant w/ one of my older siblings. Before I was born, so I had no exposure to this, yet I am the one who is doing it now. I think it was MORE normal for my mom's generation and the previous ones, to take care of the parents/grandparents at home. There are many reasons why it can end up being only one family member doing the caregiving, but in the case of MY family it's just their self centeredness. And the truth is, they've always been this way. It hurts to see her lonely for company and I cannot fill that void alone with all the rest of my responsibilities. January and February and March are the hardest, because the remaining friends mom does have spend the winters elsewhere. Thank you, all of you, this site helps me so much! I know we , we who are the caregivers, all share the same feelings at different times. I am always so thankful when I am feeling overwhelmed, that I have this outlet! I dread the day if I have to put her in a nursing home, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
Furthermore, I doubt if many previous generations had to deal with these issues for as long as this generation is. People are living longer due to medications and all medical advances... Lucky for us or not? I don't know. I only know my mother's roommate is 105, cannot hear, sits in a chair all day...is that living???
Hi all. We just placed our mom yesterday in a 5 star nursing home in a hospital. It is supposed to be a good place. Mom was hospitalized last week, and we found she has lost 10 pounds, is weak and her CO2 was making her very confused. At that point, my sister said that she could no longer care for mom. As we have been care sharing for mom for 5 years now, I agreed. It was the most difficult decision I ever made. I pondered caring for her by myself but determined that since I'm almost 60 and now babysitting a new grandchild (because her mother works and her father died in October), and also because my other daughter broke her leg last week, had surgery and is in a cast for 8-10 weeks while caring for 2 children with her boyfriend of 4 months, that I just could not do it either. Mom needs lifting, toileting, bathing, etc. and anyone who might help me with this care is not available right now. Mom is still somewhat aware of her surroundings but said to me that she felt that we could do nothing else so we did what we had to. I think mom will probably give up now but I'm hopeful she will try to get her strength back. It is a difficult decision but at some point a necessary decision. Good luck to any of you who are contemplating it.
Dear someday... I tried to send you a HUG, but your hug link appears to be turned off... I hear you and I am so sorry. If I had to go another year I'd die, but I am working to set up placement for my mother. Can you do that? I think it's time. I am nearly 56 - how much life do we have left for US??? PLACE HER. She'll barely notice at all. The person who needs her placed is YOU. Take care, sweet someday. No more waiting. I am with you all the way. Make "someday" TODAY... xooxoox ps Call Family Caregiver Alliance - get the contact number for your state at the following LINK - http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/fcn_content_node.jsp?nodeid=2083
This is year 7 for me taking care of my mom w/o any help from siblings and so little interaction w/ other family members, it's not worth mentioning. I don't know how I have survived this long. I have gained 30 pounds and when someone says, as in this article, that it is important to take care of yourself, I know they have no clue what it is like to be a fulltime caregiver w/ no family help. THERE IS NO TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I can't make appointments to take care of myself because I can't commit to being someplace with no back up for mom. When people see mom they say "oh gee your mom looks great! You're so lucky she is so healthy and mentally with it at 93!" I say, "she's not, but you'd have to be around her for more than a few minutes to know that. If she were, why would I be here?" I do NOT resent my Mom or wish I weren't here for her, but I DO resent my family for doing NOTHING. I don't even want to have a service for my Mom when she does die, because I don't want to spend any time with any of them. I honestly feel like I am going to throw up when I see any of them! If I run into one of them at the grocery store all they do is rattle on about how busy they are and how stressed they are and how they never have a minute to spare...blahblahblah and then switch into telling me about their last vacation or meal at the new retaurant and have I been there yet!? SO, an article that suggest that I have to do yet more: organize a family meeting; bring in a mediator; see a therapist; etc.etc.etc., tells me that the writer doesn't really know what it is like to live like this. And I can tell you that NO ONE that doesn't need this site , that is, the people who are not caregivers, the family members that WE are talking about, NONE of them are ever going to read these suggestions. They do not step up because they do not care. To do anything would mean giving up some of their own life. If they cared at all, there would not be this issue. When this chapter of my life is over, I will leave and not look back........THAT is how I plan to "take care of myself".
Family conflicts is a major issue on this planet. Just look at all the people in therapy! Unfortunately, parents are so busy that no one has the time to address conflict in a more calm, loving, and centered way. There is a great article about it here http://teensupport.com/raising-teenagers/arguing-with-teenagers-and-creating-family-conflict/ I think if families just accepted the fact that family conflict is going to be happening and to commit to putting the time in to resolve it, this could have a major impact.
Rendezvous 747! AGREED! Family Caregiver's Alliance is my support network, too... And having them in my life makes ALL the difference in the world,
Hugs Rendezvous 747
The fact that I have options. A new one being Family Caregivers Alliance
MY SISTER ONLY CALLS MY MOM2 TIMES A MONTH ,SHE IS A NURSE AND YOU THINK SHE WOULD CATER TO MY MOM SOME. I AM HER ONLY CAREGIVER AND IT DOES CAUSE STRESS IN MY HOME LIFE. AND MY MOM WONT SAY ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THE FUTURE, and what is to happen when shes gone. I dont care about the $ mom has., i need help now! you"de think my sis would be more caring about her now
family arguement over dad's medical needs not being consistently met by sister who is a nurse and forgetful
At what point does it become our life again? Or how do we balance all obligations? Just wondering. I will soon be 59 and mom is 87. And I'm just tired.
Hugs GALOWA, kwolff
Disagreements over an elder's condition and capabilities
My sister and I have reached an agreement that will help us both. We are going to share mom's care. One month with me, one month with my sister. And Mom likes the idea. This will take us some work but will give us both respite time. So that's what we decided. I wish everyone had this option. And I will be able to care for my new grandchild!
dds...I know where you are coming from. Both my sister and myself are slowly burning out. We want our life back. This is the third summer now that mom has been without dad. I'm to the point now where I feel that we may need to get some respite care for mom but I know that she will be resistant. This caregiving aspect is quite demanding and the caregiver is required to donate her time and efforts without regard to her own life. It is a real balancing act and the trouble is ... we don't know when it will end. And of course, when it does end there will be guilt and sadness. I will soon be 59 and am wondering at what point, I will no longer be able to enjoy life and will I still be a caregiver?
Hugs VALORIE1
I am really in need of help. My beloved father passed away in November after many years of me and my sister trying to share care for him. We were fighting even then pretty bad. But my mother remains and we are at WAR about her care. I mean it is just horrible- theother day my sister emailed somethings so horrendous I basically cannot read her email- She is terrifically resentful of what she sees as her doing it all- Ihave my own and different point of view- and she is melting down, blaming me, full of hate and totally without any willingness to sit down and talk calmly. I have arranged for my Dad's former care manager to meet with us to mediate- but my sister said no- so I do not see hope here- the truth is I cared for my father for 20 years to varying degrees while my sister and mother more or less enjoyed their lives. I have pretty much had it. My sister hid all information about money after my father's death- is telling me "mother has no money" and will not show me bank records. This is a huge loss and tragedy. I want to do the right thing but honestly my sister's anger and lack of insight and willingness to see the social work seem to me to be deal enders. I have no other family. I was very close to my Dad and not to my sister and mother who are buddies. Iha ve not much in common with them- very long story- but I feel alone- and I want to do the right thing in life- but how much caregiving does a person have to do in one lifetime? I am 57 years old. at what point do I get to enjoy my life. I do not regret a minute of the help I gave my Dad who was a fabulous father and person- but I am TIRED and wanting some fun and rest in my life- am I a bad person? I'm really ready to change my phone number- but this is ripping me apart. suggestions welcome. My mother pretty much abandoned my Dad as he got sicker- stopped all care forhim- so my sister and I struggled for years to meet his needs while she essentially partied.
Hugs momof3caring4-2other
I guess my sister and myself have reached an agreement on this issue. My sister takes several vacations every year and I watch mom. The vacations that I used to take with my sister, she now takes with a friend. And I seem to have become "stupid" to my sister now. I don't seem to know that mom needs help even though I take her on all of her doctors appointments, etc. Yeah, I'm resentful. I'm hurt. Mom's needy and I know my sister resents me not having mom live with me but my sister is much more financially able and is younger than I. I do all of the day to day routines with mom and my sister gets her dinner one to two nights per week but my sister has the "gift" of tucking mom in at night and she also has the "fear" of not waking her up in the morning. Honestly, we are trying to make this work but it's very difficult. Mom does not have alzheimers but is quickly becoming more needy and all both my sister and myself want is to get on with our lives. How do you balance? I know that help would be a good idea but that means some stranger going into my sister's home. I'm thinking respite care for mom might be a good idea at least once avery couple of months. This would give us both a break. I go to mom's every day except for the weekends, which I currently hold sacred as my recharging time. I think the worst part of this is not knowing how long it will last while at the same time, not wanting to lose mom. My sister and I are both drinking more, but definitely not alcoholics. But I don't have the ability to get away as often as my sister and I get very resentful. I need to get away for 1 week and not have to go anywhere but just relax. My sister has already planned 4 vacations for this year and regularly goes to health spas, etc. I'm on a fixed income and try to use my home as an escape but it doesn't work. When my sister goes, I go to stay with mom and my husband resents it. If I try to spend time at home, my sister resents it. It feels like I just am not entitled to have my life. Last summer the only time I got to spend with my grandchildren was when I had to spend the day with mom...no grandbaby time. I'm not able to demand my time...my sister is way stronger than I. She demands and takes the time. I fall apart. I think if I live through this, my life will be shortened from the stress of it all. I will soon be 59....life's slipping away.... Every time I tell my sister how I feel, she says "tell me about it". And it stops right there. She has money and I don't and she travels and I can't. But I would really like to have a staycation but if I stay, mom calls me to come there everyday. I feel like I'm in a hole that is just getting deeper. My daughter is now pregnant,unmarried, but pregnant. And doesn't really want the baby...of course, she's only 6 weeks along and may feel differently soon. But this is also depressing me. Life is so depressing for a lot of reasons and sometimes I don't know what to do. Maybe counseling is the answer, maybe drugs....I don't know. Or maybe I will luck out and have a heart attack or stroke and die. Sorry, just venting really...not suicidal but I do feel that Mom may outlive me.
Hugs sammiee pitt
I agree with Galowa. I too have been taking care of my mother for 9 mos who is 91 yrs old. The problem is my mother fell and broke her hip and she uses a walker. She loves acting like something is wrong with her all the time. My mother is in excellent health, but she acts helpless. I refuse to be her nursemaid and I've told her that. I fix her meals, I change her linens and I get her shower ready. I insist she take care of herself as far as bathing, making her bed and doing what little laundry she has to do. She can't hear very well even with a hearing aid and I'm constantlly screaming to let her hear me. I am sooooo tired of taking care of her. I know that if this situation was reversed, my mother would tell me she's not able to help me. I've had major surgeries and she told me she wouldn't help me. So, why am I being stuck with taking care of he? I resent her more and more everyday just being in my home, and I am not sure how I can handle this much longer. My only recourse is to put her in a nursing home. I do not get any help from my sister and she has informed me to put her in a nursing home as she is not able to take her in. Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this without loosing it myself? Oh yeah, does anyone have any suggestions what to say to my mother when I do put her in a nursing home? Help!!
Hugs GALOWA, GALOWA, hugs4me?
OOPS, my statement from a minute ago today should have said "in my PREVIOUS STATEMENT" rather than "in my statement above."
By the way, in my statement above, I forgot to mention that even though i WAS 3,000 miles away from my parents, at my father's death i stayed with my mother in her own home for FOUR MONTHS, while my own children and husband were 3000 miles away, and have since had my mother living in MY HOUSE for over FOUR YEARS. I still manage her house 3000 miles away, and have ALSO inherited oversight of my mentally ill younger sister (50 yeas old) and the house my parents provide for her (which is 3,400 miles away...) I certainly would HATE to give the impression that my mother is sitting in a facility whist I coordinate her care from a distance...
The author of this article really IS out-to-lunch. The scenario depicted here is more like a fairy-tale than real life. Almost NOBODY has the time, energy or mutually cooperative sibling relationships necessary to even attempt this, let alone succeed at it. The "ideal" you describe is not only unattainable, it's unthinkable for most families. Aside from the sibling conflict aspect, or the unfair division of labor, you pay only lip service to the role/ wishes of the aging parents, and COMPLETELY ignore the issue of what might be described as the actual "RIGHT thing to do." By the way, I am THE ONLY caretaker, and just HAPPEN to 1) live the FURTHEST away, 2) have the GREATEST number of other obligations, and 3) not only was I NOT the closest to my parents, i was, in fact, their unanimously LEAST FAVORITE child of three. Despite all this, I'm the one,the one and ONLY, who is DOING IT ALL.
Hugs ammy
Prayers stiggy66
Thank you for know mor about family conflicts.
I have been caregiving for my mom who is elderly and has cancer for six months. She is derpressed and angry about her disease and her loss of independence. My sister, who lives 100 miles away and who only comes every now and then for a few hours on a Saturday, had to be confronted by a family friend to discuss with mom, having me put on as power of attorney with my out of town sister. I am handling everything, taking mom to dr. app'ts, talking to dr.s, hospitals,arranign for home care thru an agency (which we had to fire after several problems. My sister acts more like a distant acquaintance, and really doesn't see that mom's problems have much to do with her or her daughter, who has never even called her grandmother to say hello....the daughter (32) has come down ince to visit, and spent most of the visit watching Veggietales with her toddlers, and my sister, in another room leaving mom alone in the living room. ( I had taken the little ones in another room to watch the videos so that my niece and my sister could spenmd soem time with my mom. ) Mom is terminally ill. Its breaking my heart in every way - BUt I wouldn't have missed this tiem with my mom for anything. I love her deeply and she knows it and vice versa.There is no way I could put her ina nursing home.She is terrified of them. I am so tired I can hardly get up some days, but I know mom is even tireder and afraid of what comes next. I wouldn't want to go thru this without soemone who loves me if I were her, and I know if the situation were reversed she would be with me every step of the way. So I will be, too. thanks E.A.