Caring for a difficult relative or other loved one
Being a caregiver is never easy, but if you've spent much of your adult life trying just get along with a parent or another older adult you're close to, being thrust into the role of his caregiver may be excruciating.
The bad news is that if he's always been critical, grumpy, intrusive, or just plain mean, it's unlikely that old age and poor health will improve his personality much. The good news is that as an adult, you've probably become more confident in yourself and have learned to deal with him more effectively -- and if you haven't, now is your chance to learn. Believe it or not, it's possible to make your relationship work more smoothly so that you can help him through this stage of life.
Difficult people come in all varieties, from self-absorbed and demanding to angry and remote. Caregiving situations vary widely, too, of course: Your experience will be different depending on whether you're providing daily care, supplying occasional care, or coordinating care from a distance. No single approach will address every dilemma, but the following tips should make caring for the person a little easier.
Getting started
You've had the double "oh no" moment -- that is, it's become clear that your parent or someone else you're tied to needs help and that you have to take a greater role in his care, and this means you'll be spending more time with someone you find difficult to be around. Perhaps you'll need to help him move to a nursing home or arrange a treatment schedule for him after his cancer diagnosis. Whatever the details, the relationship you've had is about to change. Here are some steps you can take to ease the transition:
- Take time to prepare yourself. Faced with a crisis, it's tempting to make decisions quickly without thinking them through. If you have a difficult relationship with your parent or someone else you're caring for, the pressure is even more intense, and every decision is fraught. Try to spend some quiet time before you jump onto the caregiving roller coaster. Write in your journal, talk to friends, and think about what has made your relationship difficult in the past and how you can approach it differently this time.
- Line up support. It's important to have buffers so you won't be standing on the front line all by yourself. Meet with siblings, other relatives, or other friends who will be giving care so you can divide the labor early on, if possible.
- Bring in the experts. If you don't have family support, you live far from the person you're caring for, your relationship is explosive, or his situation is complicated, consider hiring a geriatric care manager. She can help by providing support and concrete advice about community resources, skilled nursing facilities, and other such topics. If you live far away, the manager can help you coordinate care from a distance. Take the time to find someone that you and the person you're caring fo both trust. If you find the right person, she'll help you communicate more effectively with the person you're caring for.
- Consider your own role. As you enter this new stage in your relationship with the person you're caring for, it's important to remember that you can't control how he acts -- but you can control how you respond. Take time to honestly consider your own role in the conflicts you've had in the past and think about how you can handle things differently. This might be a good time to see a counselor to sort through some of the guilt, fear, anger, and resentment that may have haunted your relationship -- and likely compromised other relationships in your life as well.
Coping day to day
Once he's settled and you've established a caregiving routine, he's likely to resume his usual patterns of behavior -- and may even become more difficult. Crises are frightening, but the long haul can be harder. It'll probably last a lot longer, too. You may require additional strategies to help you care for him on a daily basis.
- Talk it through. Try addressing the situation directly as soon as problems arise. Say something like, "I know we've had problems getting along, but I'd like to do it differently from now on. Can we talk about how to do that?" Try to listen to what he has to say without getting defensive. Use "I statements" when you explain your experience ("I felt as if you were angry at me just now" rather than accusations such as "You act like you hate me").
- Prepare to have your buttons pushed. If you consider the history of your relationship, you'll likely find some recurring themes. Maybe your dad always compares you unfavorably to your siblings or blames you for your two failed marriages. Identify these common trigger points ahead of time and simply ignore him when he touches on them. Instead of reacting angrily or getting hurt, gently change the subject -- as many times as you need to -- until he gets it.
- Try something different. If your interactions are uniformly negative, think about how to change the dynamic. Are there less stressful ways that you can spend time together? If sitting together and talking usually ends in an argument, offer to clean his attic, weed his garden, or cook him a special meal. If you visit him at the nursing home and all he does is complain, suggest taking him out for a drive or lunch. Or take a tape recorder and interview him about his past. Read a book together, if he's up to it, or help him put photos in an album as a legacy project. A tangible project that you can do together can help you be close without treading on perilous ground.
- Set boundaries. It's important for anyone in a caregiving position to set and maintain solid boundaries, but this is especially true if you have a difficult relationship. If you're clear about how much you're able and willing to do and stick to that, you'll be less susceptible to guilt trips and manipulative behavior. You can also set limits for how much emotional abuse you'll put up with; if he won't stop criticizing, maybe it's time to go make yourself a cup of tea.
- Take care of yourself. If you're spending a great deal of time with the person you're caring for, make sure that you're doing things to replenish yourself -- body and soul. This will help you stay balanced and less reactive. Maintain a regular exercise regime to blow off steam, and arrange for regular weekends off and vacation time if you can. Some people find that being in nature or meditating helps them maintain their perspective.
If your schedule doesn't permit regular breaks or time for yourself, you're headed for burnout and you need to do something to remedy the situation. If no one in your family or community can step in, check with your local agency on aging to find out if there are any respite care services available.
- Join a support group. A caregiver support group gives you a place to unwind and share your story with people who are having similar experiences, which can be restorative.
My mom was tough, when she yelled I would kindly ask her if there was anything I could do to help make her feel better. (It took me ten years to learn this!!!). My dad now gets delusional and can battle me under his breath, I lean over and whisper "I love you Dad". Often a kind response to an irrational and mean outburst can help them to refocus a little. When mom was angriest I would sneak up stairs and call her sister, she would call back from Holland and I would call, "Mom Tante Lies is on the phone!" Immediately she would shift to her Dutch self and be laughing. While they might be angry or not have their complete mind, we do have ours. Be clever, like a good teacher, use your humor when you can, and try some kind words in response to her/his mean ones. Then, when you cannot take it anymore, like someone said above, walk, pray, talk to others (especially helpful are geriatric psychiatrists). If need be find someone to take up the slack, someone that she/he cannot/may not take their anger out on. Try not to feel guilty, I try and think, God knows I am doing this from my heart and He will guide me daily. It often has a lot to do with, how are they in the morning, work with that, stay in the moment. Address things openly and honestly. Dad hates baths and swears under his breath at me. I work hard, moaning and groaning as I bend and stand and sweat through the process. In the end, he is far more worried about me than his focus on hating the bath. Because I taught very difficult kids for a career, I also know that you cannot let your guard down and show them you are insecure or afraid of what they might do or say, do things with confidence and a smile and do not back yourself into the corner of doom along with them. Stay confident, connected and joyful (whatever that might take to do it). Keep answers short and to the point and do not be wishy washy or afraid, simply explain what you are doing, and refrain from using any demeaning words, such as diapers or day care or even "helping you". I just say we are taking a shower now. Sometimes I just go do it, saying we do one thing at a time as he begins to worry about one thing or another. "Dad, I am just washing your feet now, we can deal with that later, one thing at a time please". I hope this was helpful to address the tough job of caring for someone angry, and most sick people are already angry they are sick. Use every resource out there, google it, call medicare, social workers, health care agencies, find out about free programs in your state. If the elder person's life only includes you, then you will be the scapegoat, often a day center can help refocus them. God Bless you all for what you do, please do not allow the guilt and frustration to take over, cause honestly they are quick to sense it and pick up on it. Take a breather to get your balance back and then walk back in and readdress the situation with calm assurance. It is not easy on caretakers or the person being cared for, we need to remember two are in a relationship and if one cannot or will not change then be willing to be the one that does. IN then end, it might help you get through not only their life but also their death. Again bless you all, wonderful daughters, sons, wives and caregivers out there!
This article is a great reminder, that a lot of us caregivers go through especially those of us "on the front lines". It's especially important to try and maintain some sort of balance for ourselves learning to be responsive rather than reactive. Easy in theory-harder in practice. For myself, meditation, seeing friends, a respite to her pool to read for two hours does wonders. Just any little thing that will help give us those kind of breaks as we tend to our elderly parents. It was especially important for me as she has just returned from her second hospital visit this year.
I love this article. It reiterates that the person I'm caring for cannot and will not change -- her behavior might even worsen -- which has been my fear. But it empowers (and encourages) me to avoid those behaviors that are triggers for me. I do have control--not to change mom's behavior, but more importantly, to change MY behavior. That's power - and might require a lot more work from me!!!
I have recently become a caregiver, "thrust" into the role as it were. There are no easy answers. I am an only child and am caring for my 891/2 year old mother. She refused to go into a nursing home and visiting her all the time is tense, terse and difficult. I have found finding some "down time" for your self is key. It helps reduce stress and keeps anger from rearing it's ugly head. Mostly we take it a day at a time. This could go on for quite some time and I have found that finding help with her care is at least useful up to a point.
This doesn't really address the situation that many caregivers find themselves in while caring for a spouse whohas a long term disability and is difficult to deal with. There is not much choice in whether or how much to be involved in his (or her) care. You immediately become "it" and few family members are willing to help out in any meaningful, long term role. The longer the situation continues, the less willing they are to help. The chance of any respite care is slim to none. The financial burdens are overwhelming, and the community resources, especially for under 65's, are extremely limited. Friends and family members seem to become blind to the situation and/or just fade out of your lives. It's easy to suggest making plans and developing a support system. This may work for couples with strong family and community ties, but for those from dysfunctional families who are their main support for each other, it's a hard and lonely daily grind.
Hi Bayou, Thanks for your comment. That sounds like a very difficult situation, I did find some information that might help you though. The first place you can look to get information on dealing with delusions here: http://www.caring.com/articles/alzheimers-disease-paranoia. You also might find the answers to this question useful even though it's not your exact situation: http://www.caring.com/forums/alzheimers-forum/accusing-me-of-stealing. I hope that helps. If you need further assistance, pleas let me know! -- Emily | Community Manager
I am an only child and caregiving has come my way. My Mother, 89, has always had two ways of doing things the wrong way and her way. She constantly "see" a girl in her room who wears her clothes, uses her shower etc. She hides things so the 'girl' won't steal them, forgets where she hides them and accuses the 'girl' of stealing. Mother is at an assisted living place and I visit at lease once a week. I get 4-6 phone calls a day with the goings on of the day -usually negative. There is no reasoning with things she thinks to be fact. Any suggestions?
Hugs addis1
My father was very abused growing up. When he was a man he started to drink. He has always been good at seeing your faults but never his own. My mother left him in 76 and died just before 9-11. My only brother was murdered in 91. My dads only brother died in 97. After they where gone his rage and bitterness turned to me. Now he is in a nursing home. Last year he asked me to be POA and I excepted. The truth is half of me loves and misses my father and feels bad for the life he has thrown away. The other half has rage and resentment for having to take care of a man who is always pointing the finger and is just nasty to most everyone. It is a constant struggle for now he wants to regain his freedom. He wants the bills back even thou he cannot pay them. He wants to drive but cant remember the day. He calls me to bring the dog that died several years ago. And in the meantime the cursing angry phone calls that even when soothed reappear in a few days because he forgets. The nursing home would rather not have him, Iv been told by senior staff., If I walk away I have guilt if I stay it is suffering. All the rest of my family is dead. I just had a son and even that introduction only went so so. But in the end as Christ hung on the cross he spoke the words" Father forgive them for they know not what they do" If you read this pray for me because this pushes me to my breaking point. But in the end I want to hear well do good and faithful servant enter into the joy of thy rest. I know even as I fail with this the Lord loves me. I just wish I could do better and not let the bitter words and hateful looks pierce so deep. I have to do the hard work with my dad now so that I have now regrets of the man I have become and the way I cared for others, even the most difficult ones. I hope this test is over soon. I must not be passing it as I seem to keep returning to summer school. I sure in the end the Lord gives us these challenges to sharpen who we are so that with are dependence on him we can grow as his children. I consider my momentary sufferings as nothing compared to what the Lord has prepared for those who love him. Paul had it right I wish i had his strength.
Prayers merrymaryjo
It help me with my paperworks as a student.
Just finding others out there like me is so helpful. I no longer wonder why there are so many nursing homes. About at least half of the population is comprised of parents who feel they have license to be an asshole because they're dying. She's been evil her whole life. My mom has stage four lung cancer , (she never smoked), & has been a hospice patient since March 15, 2010. I have been through a myriad of emotions including anger & resentment towards her because she doesn't make things easy. And while I do GREATLY appreciate support from family & friends, the experience is also that much more taxing because I am an only child. Thank you for being here because I honestly feel myself inching closer & closer to a melt down. I need to pray more.
I take care of my 15 years older than me hubby. He was always a grouch, but no problem I could handle him. He has been ill since 2002 with Wegener's Granulomatosis. It has been hard because now he is grouchier than ever. But no problem everymorning I tell myself: Myself today you are going to be the nicest person on Earth. I ask the Lord, whoever he is, for lots of patience & dementia so I will not pay attention to all the hard moments. Everyday, I use the 5 things that are free in life and that are good for your health: Walk, sing, dance, love everybody & laugh. Those 5 free items make life easier. Gracias, Maria
Hugs donoharm
I moved across the country to care for my mother since she wouldn't even consider moving to CA, where my husband, daughter and I were living. So we purchased a condo together in the mid-west. She wouldn't tolerate our dog, so we were forced to give her up. We also had to leave behind our wonderful daughter who wanted to finish college in CA. We had a lovely home with a swimming pool and I owned a small business which I thoroughly enjoyed. I gave up A LOT to take care of my mother and yet she felt it was my "duty" as her daughter to do this--there was never any acknowledgement of the sacrifices my husband and I were making to take care of her. We insisted she stop driving and even though I was always available to drive her anywhere she wanted to go, she resented the fact that we "made" her stop driving--she never forgave me for that. I did everything I could possibly do for her . . . made her meals, insured she took all her medication, washed her clothes, did her hair, kept our home clean, took her to multiple doctor's appointments and it still wasn't enough. There were times when she was pleasant but also many times when she was hyper-critical, nasty and demanding--much like she had always been only 10 times worse. I found a part-time job shortly after we moved here and she was upset--my "job" she said was to take care of HER! I also did some volunteer work. Those two things helped save my mental health. She died about two years later. It was a relief and initially I felt numb after she passed away. However, as time passed I became more able to recall all the generous, funny, loving, kind things she did in her life. I always loved my mother because she took such good care of me while I was growing up--but I didn't always like her as a person. I often think of her now with loving, kind feelings. While I realize I did the best I could possibly do, I wish I had been more understanding of her situation at the end of her life--I can now partially understand what it must have been like for her--to feel so powerless. My only advice to anyone in this situation is to do what you can, set boundaries, save part of your life for yourself and, mostly, be KIND and LOVING toward your relative, but also toward YOURSELF. It will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life!
I have been aware for many years that I would be the sole caretaker of my mother, even though I have five siblings. I accected the responsibility easily, but I never imagined that it would be so hard. My mother has always been strong willed and harsh but I was able to deal with her because I could go away when I needed to. Now that my father has passed and she is alone she wants company more than ever before. I feel guilty when I leave, knowing that she will sit for days, alone. However if I call daily to say hi, she gets angry because she feels that I'm babysitting. I worry if something happens she could lie suffering for hours or days. Suggestions are met with bitter resentment and completely ignored. Her mind is failing her suddenly and she will not talk about it. She takes it as an insult to her intelligence. I talked her into seeing a Dr. for a check up. They said she's fine. I don't know what to do. I feel like I shouldn't just walk away anymore but I'm beating my head against a wall trying to help her. The hardest part is not having ANY supprot from the family. They all live far away and seem to be glad that I am here to do it. They offer no support or advice but have plenty of criticism. I want to help my mom and be strong enough to do it, besides I can't just let her rot, she has no one else, but it's killing me. I thought I'd dealt with hard stuff before but this beats it all!
Prayers merrymaryjo
I took on the task of being the primary caregiver of my Mother just recently. I have three other sisters and in the beginning of this stage, everything seemed like it would all go quite well. Me, being the second child, and the business type of the family thought everyone will follow the plan. Little did I know, every single one of my sisters had their own plan. Being a Primary Caregiver to my Mom has been the most wonderful but yet very gut wrenching thing I have undertaken. I had learned so much about myself and my Mom and my sisters than ever. All that I can say is that, no matter what, have a plan, stick to the plan, and when the plans change, have your immediate family - your spouse and your children to be your primary support system because they see what you do and how you care for your ailing parent. Know when you have reached your limit and create healthy boundaries for yourself. I looked upon the Home Health Nurse to provide me the proper guidance as they have seen all the family dynamics before. In the end, assume that everyone in the family is helpless and don't know what to do. But know that if you are the primary caregiver of your Mom, you have a BIG JOB to do and if family do not pitch in and help, then they better not say anything awful or unhealthy. Learn to be Kind to yourself when no one else can be all because you care so much to care for your ailing Mom.
This may sound odd or uncaring, but in my case it has worked every time, with my family members and the people that I have had the privilege to assist. I believe it is more of a cultural upbringing! I live a predominate Finnish area and if you do not stand your ground right off the get go you will be walked over and treated badly the remainder of the time you assist them. So after the first couple of hours of playing tug-of-war with the new patient or family member so to speak and they see that you have what it takes to stand up to them and have the gusto, there is a bond that forms that is unlike any other. A trust that forms between you and them. They will disclose to you important health issues they have had in the past or are currently having that noone knows about. Sometimes they will tell you information that they will never tell other family members about themselves. I find that the whole experience that you get is life changing and only makes you a better person. Sure it is not all roses and tulips, there are some bumps in the road. But overall the experience you receive in helping them is life changing and now that I have done this three times I would never pass another opportunity like this again.
Forgive, forgive, forgive. If you can't do it on your own, make a decision with God's grace to forgive the difficult person, regardless of your feelings. Ask God to change your heart and to help you minister to the difficult person in their time of need. Do take time to rest, if at all possible, and forgive even yourself for your own shortcomings. Offer your sacrifice of patience to Jesus, whose death on the cross forgave us all, even if we don't recognize it. Bless everyone who is dealing with difficult people. We have no idea what the person has gone thru that has made them that way. Your loving touch may be the first that they have ever experienced in their life or may turn the tide of their behavior.
Becoming a care giver to an older relative can happen suddenly. Your entire life can become rearranged. It can be a traumatic circumstance for an entire family.You may experience intense feelings you have never felt before.Do not feel guilty for your feelings.No matter what give your self and your family breaks away from the caregiving. Find strength in experts and do not hesitate to get help and support from any resource available. Know you are not alone. Baby Boomers are facing these crisis everyday. Realize you are doing a service to your loved one and to your community and take pride in your commitment.If it becomes too overwhelming then turn it over and know you did the best you could.Forgiveness is key.