Roger, your a keeper! I am so
impressed by your words expressed so beautifully, a true treasure. A gracious giver, wow, that's a gift from your friend to hold close to your heart, how special is that? Your friend was very wise in his advice to you, as I have learned through the years that receiving is something that one must value as much as giving. It's not an easy concept to wrap your head around, especially when we as caregivers are always on the giving side, but we all need to be gracious receivers as your sweet friend bestowed his wisdom to you. This is something that I have worked on myself, as it is a pace of grace when we are open to receiving as much as we give. In reference to excepting respite, reaching out when in need, knowing when it's too much to go it alone, expressing your needs. During this journey of caring, in the beginning, I went to a geriatric counselor that specialized in the caring of the caregiver, family members who were in fact caring for loved ones with Alzheimer's and or Dementias, but of course it could be any life altering situation were someone can no longer care for themselves. I went for two and a half years, and the wisdom that I gained literally saved my life, as I was absolutely not prepared to be a caregiver to an aging parent with these kinds of deficits, who is? No one can truly be prepared for this kind of life event, and in my case, I refer to myself as the "accidental caregiver" as one day I was living the dream life, as I had planned so meticulously prior to Mother becoming ill, oh, yes it was all that I had planned for and more, I was in an excellent place in my life. Then in a blink of an eye, boom, I'll never forget it, as it was December 5th and I was in the process of decorating a beautiful Christmas tree that we had for the upcoming holidays, I felt so happy, looking forward to the holidays, the first snowfall, the celebratory aspects of the winter season. All was well in my world, and then the phone rang, the news came that Mother had suffered a stroke, and that we had better make plans to fly to her state as it was very serious. The first snowfall that I was anticipating turned into a living nightmare as we were snowed in, too icy to fly, so it took a few days to even leave our city to fly to Mother's city. Then came weeks of rehabilitation in the hospital for Mother, flying back and forth, as my husband had to continue his work schedule, our holidays were put on hold, and then I was dropped into the middle of Doctors, rehab, weekly meetings with the team of doctors evaluating Mother's progress, and all of the legal aspects, that needed to be addressed, Power of Attorney forms, Advanced Medical Directives, etc.... dealing with relatives, and their input, dealing with their mini dramas, as they are so good at living, and sharing, even at time as this was, it was so very stressful, and then to find out that the final evaluation was that Mother would never be able to live independently again, and that we or I as it turned out to be, as I became the point person, that everything was referred to, and then I had the duty of reporting to the rest of the family, as you soon find out that the Doctors, nurses, therapists, they have a very limited amount of time that they are willing to spend with family members, so one person is selected as the "point person" and that person than relays all the pertinent information to all others, and that person was me! The next aspect was meeting with the Team of Doctors, and being told that we had to address, what is referred to as reaching the " insurance plateau out " level, which was like, what is that? Oh, simply your Mother has reached the level of that in which her insurance will no longer pay, my head spinning, and on top of that, there had to be a "Safe discharge Plan in effect" meaning even though the insurance would no longer pay, the hospital would not release her, given her deficits, unless I had a safe plan in place for her, i.e. a long term care facility, and or my home, or whatever we or I could come up with, because they would not release her because they would not assume liability if she indeed returned home to her prior residence she was unable to live alone, not even with in home health care in place. If I didn't put together a "Safe Discharge Plan" in effect, they would select a long term nursing facility and that would be that, it was a living nightmare. All of that is prior to Mother even being diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia, no that came a year later, after I had relocated her to my state, to oversee her care. That is the beginning of my journey into the caregiving world, and five plus years later, I'm still in the thick of it, so I completely agree with opening ones self up to receiving, it's so important, but more important for me, was that I learned a very harsh lesson, the people that I thought would be there for us, i.e. extended family, it's safe to say, they were not, and that was one of the most heartbreaking aspects of the entire story. I remember sitting in one of the family rooms that the hospital provides, while Mother was in her daily rehabilitation routines, reading one of those hospital magazines that they so freely provide, and I was reading an article that clearly stated that when something like this happens in ones life, to be prepared for friends and loved ones to abandon you and your loved one, I thought to myself, O.M.G. that would never happen, not my family, not my friends, impossible, but guess what? That is exactly what happens especially in a long caring process that followed in the case of my Mother, it's sad but it's true, and that is why I went to the therapist, as I was literally heartbroken, overwhelmed, my life put on hold, and for the most part, very, very, much alone, in seeking the medical care and help that was needed for Mother. I also learned that one can express their needs, which is important, don't assume that others will simply tune in and figure out what is needed, they will not, but more important once you do express your needs and or concerns, be very much aware, that they may not respond to your needs, and then you really learn the true reality of what it's like to be dropped into a situation that has so many facets, your head is spinning, your heart is breaking, and exhaustion becomes your steady companion. I have found more solace in others that have walked this road than that of family members, and certain friends, as time goes on, they go on with their lives, while you are in a place were your life continues, but it's not the same, and your outlook, or at least my outlook on others and dramatically changed. I'm not the naïve little sweetheart that I once was, always, looking at the good, and being naïve to the fact that others simply do not live their lives in the way I have, I've always been giving, and perhaps this is my lesson, to take of those rose colored glasses and see others for what they really are ~ character is an interesting beast, some have it and others think they have it, and then there are the rest of us that actually live our lives with character and grace. This experience has redefined my outlook on many things, but with that being stated, I'm glad that I have had the courage to live this, to provide the love and care that my Mother requires, and to still live my life with an open heart, walk with grace and be the example to my family and friends, I don't want to live my life with a closed heart, a dose of pure reality, that's a good thing, but I'm still have a very open heart and I'm proud that I can actually open myself up to receiving and giving, it's a wonderful aspect of life.
