Siblings can help or hurt you. They can encourage one another, but do they? How do you deal with them?
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An anonymous caregiver said...
6 days ago
I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. I am the oldest child. I am 60 years old and am taking care of our 88 year old dad. After getting out of the hospital in 2007, the doctor said he could no longer stay home alone. So I quit my job to stay home and take care of my dad. I have had no income since May 2007. My dad pays all overhead and I take care of him and everything else. My brothers and sisters do not help. They tell me I chose to take care of dad; they would have put him in a nursing home. I have never been married and do not have any children. I have not been able to work since 2007, so I woun't be able to get much social security. Some day my other siblings will be knocking at my door with their hands out wanting their share of things. They feel they deserve it just because it is their dad. The youngest sister will call or visit but will come over and sit and talk while I do most of the work with dad myself. This causes me stress and anxiety to think that some day I may be kicked out on the street for quitting my job to take care of our dad. I don't know if I explained my situation well because there is so much more involved than I can put into words here. Please let me know what you think--am I justified in thinking that the house should be left to me for taking care of dad so I'm not out in the street some day or should we all share equally.
20 days ago
SMH my brother decided to call 911 said his bp is high he had a seizure & told them he didn't know where I was now he admits he knew I was in house he could slightly raise voice, call me, hit safety alarm it's just to beep for doors or windows opening or to get attention he could have used 2 way radio or numerous other ways ohhhhh that thing where I foot goes in front of the other til you get from point A to B what's that called hmmmm WALK TO ME but he said I would have told him to let me check vitals call dr then decide but then I guess that would have been fun free and a way I could do that spoiled rotten thing I love called rest but that would have been stress free soooooo yayyyyy the insanity continues let the good times roll smh
2 months ago
I will start by saying I'm the baby sister of 2 older brothers. Growing life was great. They loved me and protected me ( even at times when I felt it wasn't needed). My oldest brother Jimmy was a father figure and he would do anything and everything for me as long as it was in my best interest. I never really appreciated it until I got older. My other brother Jason the middle child was my partner in crime. As years went by and we grew up things began to change. As I began to resent Jimmy for trying to control me, my relationship with Jason became closer. The closer we got the more I could see. When we party Jason always had to out party everyone. Sometimes going for days. It got embarrassing being associated with him because he always took things to far, but regardless I had his back. More time passes and I see him getting out of control, I see the drinking becoming a problem but have no control or any idea how to stop it. Eventually I remove myself from that life and move 6 hours away. Out of sight out of mind right? Wrong!!! I get random phone calls during the night telling me how awful I am for leaving home, sometimes the calls leave me so distraught I question my decision. Then August 2 I get the call. My brother MY hero Jimmy has passed away. He had an aneurysm and was found that morning by his wife. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. Jason is at this time married with children, he is a closet acoholic and an EMT. He was on call when the 911 call came in. Yes he worked the scene. HHe was told not to go in, he did anyway. Now his drinking has gone from mildly everyday to full blown hard core. His wife leaves him, he continues to drink. He can't see his beautiful daughters he continues to drink. He breaks my mothers heart he continues to drink. He goes to rehab gets out 1 day and continues to drink. He now has advanced liver disease, hep c and everything else that you can imagine that goes along with those and he continues to drink. The doctors have told him it will kill him yet he still does it. Now here is where my problem lies. I know what I want to do in my head and that's just cut ties, but my heart won't allow it. I carry so much anger now because why does he who obliviously doesn't care get to be here and the straight laced one doesn't. I get so frustrated when talking to him. I can't stand it. My mother constantly worries, he will put her in the grave before it's all said and done. How do I forgive him? How do I find peace? I feel awful for feeling like this. The guilt eats me alive. Any advice would be helpful
3 months ago
I'm so drained. Both physically and emotionally. Taking care of my Father because of his back, and trying to manage my stepkids and husband, is really putting a strain on my health. My migraines have come back even with the medicine, so I think I may need a stronger dosage. My sister, she's off living her life with pretty boy and their baby. Pretty boy, that's what I call her boyfriend. Because he's a total waste on society. She has off an entire week this week, do you think she'd come and sit with him? No! Then when I get their, he all of a sudden can't do a thing. He won't even get food for himself anymore. I know he can do that because when my husband and I went away, he managed to cook his own dinner. I'm sick of it! Tired of it! And I am gonna lose it on the both of them soon! If Dad keeps this up, I'm gonna have to put him in a nursing home, or long term care facility. Tired of him not flushing the toilet, tired of him leaving messes for me to clean, tired of him leaving dirty dishes for me to pick up, dog shit to clean up off the carpets. Tired! Tired of "Disability forms, doctors, disk problems, surgery" talk every goddarn day!
6 months ago
So mom's house has been transferred to us four siblings now and is supposed to close next Monday. I have no intention of being there as I do not want to sit down at the same table with my 3 siblings and am sure the SIL's will be there, which makes it's doubly worse for me to want to be there. Sister is not to be trusted either. Brothers and she wound up with with each a momento, a duck call of dad's collection and there was supposed to be one for me. But with our not speaking to each other and the brothers bullying treatment of me over the last 5 years, I have not brought up the fact that I would get the 4th duck call-4 kids=4 duck calls. Younger brother was POA and HE decided how all of our parents possessions were divided up. Older brother and sister benefited more than I did in this division of property. I have no desire to associate with them after this closing, but would like this settled before closing. FYI-the title company will email me the closing papers for me to print and sign and I will overnight them for the others to sign. I DO NOT want my POA brother or any of them really, sign my name to the paperwork.
7 months ago
So today, my brother, who had been mom's POA, is now the executor, messages me that instead of me making the trip-it's about 250 miles-to son the closing papers on her house, now is asking me to give HIM POA for me to sign. With all that has gone on in the past with him and his horrible wife, trying to keep me from seeing or taking mom anywhere and just.all out nasty treatment over the years, Recently meddling in my family affairs with my kids, lying to them to benefit them and hurt me. Husband says, well that's how they are and don't have any better expectation of them and I won't be hurt!! Thanks a lot...it's what they have done and NOW expect me to GIVE him my POA! Come to find out after calling the title company, I do not have to do that at all. When it comes to closing day, the title company will email me the document to sign and I will overnight it to them with my signature not his for me! This is what I intend to do as I do not really want to see any of them right now. Anybody else dealing with this kind of sibling abuse?
9 months ago
Back in July 2015, my brother was released from jail. At that time I had been single for a couple months and living on my own. I had semi-regular contact with him while he was in jail, providing minimal financial aid through commissary, letter writing and phone calls.
Before he was released I advised him that he could stay with me in order to get back on his feet. Initially, things seemed civil. My mother helped him get a heavy equipment operator job under the table and soon he was making some money. This provided enough financial support enabling him to eat, feed his smoking habit and provide recreational opportunities. I helped him with rides to and from work and eventually to major bus and subway routes.
At the end of July, I had met someone and we started dating. I was out of my apartment frequently sometimes spending nights over at her place. On workdays, if I spent the night at her house, I’d get up early enough to go home, shower and get my brother to his bus route.
Eventually this routine grew tiring and taxing on my resources. I had to fill my car more frequently with some trips to and/or from his job. This also cut into some of my free time which was already minimal from working as much as 12-13 hours a day. In a good gesture, my brother slipped me $100 bucks on occasion to take care of various living expenses. While it helped, I knew this routine would not be practical long term.
As my girlfriends housing situation grew dim from disrespectful roommates; and since we were progressing rapidly in our relationship I felt it was the perfect opportunity to move in together. In my housing search I knew being closer to work, closer to family, and on major bus routes would benefit everyone. It seemed practical on nearly every front.
In October 2015 she and I began looking and in Mid-Late November we found a place that met nearly every prerequisite. Unfortunately, right before we moved in, my brother had a quarrel with his employer and he left his job. He's been unemployed since.
With all of us living under the same roof, my brother’s unemployment and frequent presence presents many challenges. While on occasion he may help with the dishes and twice he's made pizza, he generally displays a lack of motivation to do any household chores aside from letting our dog out to pee when he-himself goes out to smoke. Both the garbage and dishes pile up and he helps himself to food whenever he wants.
Frequently, my brother stays up late and sleeps in till late afternoon or early evening. And when he’s up, he gravitates right to the television and watches Netflix or plays video games. It's a common sight to arrive from work and see him glued to the television up until bedtime.
Much time is wasted where he could venture out looking for jobs or picking up applications. The only application he’s filled out was one I picked up at a local pizza place on my way home from grabbing dinner one night. He had a brief stint with a job placement service that offers up jobs first come first serve on a daily basis but that also involved me driving across town at 5am to get him there. And after a handful of days he didn't put up the same effort in getting up and putting himself out there for the service.
The little money he did receive from the service (Labor Ready) seemed to go towards pot and booze. I hate to call him a freeloader but that’s exactly what it has evolved into. He's got a free place, food to eat and entertainment in the house. There seems to be little to no motivation to change his circumstance and I feel it’s at this point, 6 months removed from jail where an ultimatum is in order.
Besides his stint in jail, my brother isn't without other flaws. He seems to think marijuana is the only cure for the anxiety he feels and refuses to be medicated or be seen by any professional. At times he gets easily irritated and frustrated and frequently expresses anger by raising his voice in a threatening way.
The last time my girlfriend and I sat down with him to have a heartfelt conversation he refused to take any responsibility for his past choices that led him into the position where he is today. When I pressed him for a timeframe or some goals he couldn't seem to lock any down.
I'm at a bit of a crossroads here because he's family. It's difficult for me to kick blood out on the street but I'm afraid it's a harsh necessity. He's been homeless before, resorting to homeless shelters and soup kitchens and his situation didn't improve the first time. I'm afraid putting him out on the street again could put him in worse danger and decrease his motivation for self-improvement.
It could be different if he helped out more, applied for food stamps, got out of the house and worked part time hours because I'm not going to lie - his presence has tested my relationship with my girlfriend. While she’s been every bit accepting and understanding, her patience has worn thin and she’s become frustrated by the fact that we can't get any alone time, let alone herself. We have no expectation of privacy when he’s home and it's almost never quiet.
My brother is a chatter box and feels the need to comment on everything injecting his opinions and experiences to virtually anything in discussion. A friend of ours called him a 1-upper always claiming to know more or have a worse/better experience than others. In addition he has no filter and it often leads to embarrassing conversations.
His difficulties in obtaining help in the past affect his motivation of present. I'm not sure what to do or if there is help for siblings providing help to other siblings. Ultimately I'd like him out on his own and taking care of himself because I can't afford to feed and house 3 people and besides the financial burden of having a dependent, it’s taking an emotional toll on me.
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