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Remembering Mom

People coming together to share thoughts, feelings etc..about losing their mother. Without being judged or asked why? Just to listen and support.

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Grizzycat said...

about 1 month ago

Today is 4 years since my Mom had the stroke that ultimately took her home to Heaven. I've been upset and can't focus today. I'm in my office, been in meetings, but I found myself in the break room crying hysterically. I didn't care if anyone was there or not. 4 years ago today, I can remember being at the stroke center of a hospital that my Mom was airlifted to. The doctors gathering us all together in one room saying that she is braindead. "I'll give you time to say your goodbyes", he said. "I'm sure people will understand, if you want to end life support." "No no no no no! Don't do that", I yelled. "It's your Father's decision", a family friend said. "Don't you kill Mom! Don't you dare kill her I swear", my sister and I yelled at Dad. "There is nothing left of her brain. Do you think Mom would wanna live like a vegetable", the family friend asked my sister and I. "It's not your goddamn Mother", I yelled at her. "Yours is still here so shut up! Just get outa here I hate you anyway", I yelled. Of course, I don't. She's like another Mom to me. She knew our anger.

I cried in that break room this morning, feeling the pain of Mom's death. How she will never hold the beautiful Granddaughter my sister gave her. How because of a massive stroke, she's gone. I can't help but think, I even cursed out a pastor who was at the hospital with us. I feel awful about what I'd said, however, he understood our pain of the loss. "You take your God, and go somewhere, ok? Meantime, I'll sit here and think how your God, took our Mom", I said.

Then a good friend from my office came up to see us that day 4 years ago. She brought a lot of things in perspective. "We're only on lone from God. When he wants us back, we can't say no." It angered me at the time, but now I see her point.

I'd blamed myself for her death, because the day before the stroke, she'd been slurring her speech. I begged, pleaded and all to "Please let us take you to the hospital." She wouldn't go, so I didn't call 911. She threatened us not to call the ambulance.

I had to seek help for my feelings after this. Because I had 2 suicide attempts. My idea, was I wanted to go to Mom and apologize for not calling 911 against her wishes. Once before I met my husband, who is a mechanic. The next, I overdosed on pain pills, and we had just gotten married. "Don't call anybody", I remember telling him when he found me on the bathroom floor. The entire bottle of pain medicine into my system. "Leave me go damnit", I said as paramedics and police officers took me out on a stretcher. "Leave me go be with Mom damnit!" "What did you take? Oh Goddamnit! What the hell did you take", I could hear my desperate husband scream into my ear. He'd had a bottle of percocette from a root canal he'd had a week before so I decided to take that.

Getting to the hospital, that stomach stuff they give you made me sicker than a dog! Then a psychiatrist comes into the room and closes the door. "Do you wanna end your life", he asks me. I told him I blamed myself for my Mom's death. "You're on a 72 hour psychiatric hold", he informs me. "Your husband signed you into a voluntary admission." I thought that they couldn't allow him to do that but I guess since I had a suicide attempt, they allowed him to do it. That was the best thing to happen.

I'm still in grief counseling, I see a psychiatrist once a month to regulate my medicine. But during that 72 hour hold, I learned a lot. Mom's death wasn't my fault. She didn't wanna go to the hospital, neither I, or anyone else was gonna get her to go. Mom isn't angry with me that I didn't call rescue. Because she sent a beautiful niece and one of the most loving men for me to love and care for. I know she's not far, cause I can feel her everywhere.

I'd lost my sight 20 years ago from a progressive eye condition. I have 3 stepkids, one in college. I graduated law school in May, and I work as an Hr supervisor for a bank.

Last night, I lost my insurance cards outa my wallet. Neither my husband, stepkids or I could find them. I just assumed they were lost. This morning, I put my briefcase on the table. Their outa nowhere were the insurance cards that disappeared the night before. "Whoah! That's creepy", my stepdaughter said. "Mom's here", my husband joked.

My husband and in laws have been good about checking up on me today. They either text or call my office. "I know I can never replace your Mom, but I just wanted to let you know, that Dad and I love you to death. You fixed our son's fractured heart. You gave those kids a Mom they never had", my Mother in law told me this morning. Damnit she had me cry again!

Dear Mom:

I miss you everyday. I love you to pieces. See you soon in Heaven, whenever that time will be. Thanks for sending a niece, 3 stepkids and a husband to love.

antiquer said...

3 months ago

I loss my mom a little over a year ago today ovarian cancer. I was her caregiver. I miss her terribly! I have a hard time dealing with the way I had to take care of her under hospice care .

Grizzycat said...

4 months ago

Today's a bad day for me. I lost my Mom 3 years ago from a stroke. I still cry over her loss, and almost took my own life to be with her last year. I wish Mom could see the beautiful Grandbaby she has. My sister had a little girl last month, and everytime I hold that little angel in my arms, I keep thinking how much Mom's missing.

This Saturday, I'm attending my 20th high school reunion. Mom loved our school, our choir, etc. I keep thinking, "What could I have done differently to keep her here?" How I didn't see the symptoms of the stroke. They say it gets easier? No it doesn't. It gets worse. I hate grief!

Angelina1932 said...

10 months ago

I recently lost my mother, Chridtmas night to be exact. She was under hospice care at home; my daughter and I were her caregivers. I enjoyed every minute of it and often thought how blessed am I to have this opportunity to care for my mom. Now I am a 41 year old orphan, motherless and lost. My heart is broken, the emotional pain is so intense that I feel physical pain at times. I wanted to go with her that night and still feel that way sometimes. I long for the day I can sit back, reminisce about the many times she made as laugh because of the things she used to say and the gestures she used to make. I don't even want to touch her things or look at photos because it brings me to a very dark place filled with sorrow. Thanks for letting me share my feelings. It gives me a little peace.

DianaCaring said...

9 months ago

Patscake said...

9 months ago