Partners of Adults with Asperger's Syndrome
Started by a member who said: "My partner, aged 51, tested low on the Autism Spectrum for Asperger's . He is not willing to be officially diagnosed or to go to group therapy. I am looking for a support group in S. Fl."
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10 months ago
I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with asperghers. I feel like im having a nervous break down because from the because at first he wouldnt accpt my boundaries for needing space away from him and now he will not accept any kind of give and take of dealing with issues He is right iam wrong. No inbetween. I don't no if I can save this relationship
Moving on in Minnesota said...
12 months ago
Here's a website which has been very helpful for me as the former spouse (33 yrs) of someone on the Autism Spectrum. I refer to my experience as having "Asperger's Spouse Syndrome (ASS)". This website really gave validation to my experiences. The website is "theneurotypical.com". Make sure you include "the" in the name as "neurotypical.com", without "the" is a website from the perspective of those on the spectrum. This may also be helpful, but I have not reviewed that site. Unfortunately, theneurotypical is out of Australia if I remember correctly. My personal experience with the couple of support groups I visited was that many of the participants were probably on the Spectrum themselves which was not what I needed. I even felt one of the facilitator's was probably on the Spectrum. One of the biggest things I've come to realize is how many people view the world through their eyes only. Whether they are on the Spectrum or have attachment disorders or other problems which interfere with perspective taking and empathy, all I know is that they will probably not be helpful for you, unless they have had very similar experiences themselves. I'd encourage you to pursue education and support online whether or not you locate a support group. Maxine Aston has also done a lot of work on the impact of Spectrum disorders on partners. She's in the UK but has a website also. Just google her name. I can't tell you how many books I've read over the past 7 years. Although I started with ASD books, I actually have read more neuroscience books as my experience indicated a very strong fight/flight/freeze response which underlay many of the behaviors I was concerned about. Do not push him to participate, educate and support yourself. The likelihood of him changing is not great. Change is dangerous and terrifying. Do some serious soul-searching on what you can handle. Even a great support group will not be enough, and my experience in MN has not been successful finding quality support groups, or professionals. I lost count of how many professionals I visited before I found one who demonstrated genuine empathy and understanding. My spouse and I visited him initially until my spouse decided to divorce me rather than work on our marriage. That was 6 years ago and I still see this counselor. Unfortunately, my ex can't live alone so he moved into our daughter's home 1 mile from here even tho' his parents' home was empty 15 miles from here, still is. He remarried within 6 weeks of the divorce to a woman who lives out of state, and still does. Blessings upon you and your journey.
about 1 year ago
I am in a relationship with someone that I suspect has Aspergers. I was introduced to him approximately 9 months ago but started dating him 6 months ago. I was introduced to him by a minister relative of his but was not told he had Aspergers. He is a pilot and the relationship was going relatively well except we only saw each other once or twice out of the month. However, we texted just about every other day but certainly at least every other day on average and talked once a week.
He ran into a problem on one of his flights with me thinking he had aerotoxic syndrome. When he returned, he contacted me and I met him at his apartment where I saw him acting out totally different. He would not tell me what was wrong. Other than this he treated me very very well.
After his sickness I started paying closer attention to him. I recently shared my concerns about his very busy schedule and wanting him to find more time for us. He did not respond. However, about 3 weeks ago he told me that he did not know when he would be able to see me again. And, his text messages and telephone calls to me have dropped off drastically. With him being a pilot, I automatically refrained from being negative or discussing anything that I thought would stress him out. I was good doing this for the past 6 months. I did not intent for the discussion about his work schedule would cause a problem but it may have.
At this point, I don't know if I will be able to change this situation or not. If I text him now he will respond briefly and politely but he will not call me. I have been studying him and looking at the symptoms for Aspergers and his actions and conduct are 100% in consistency with those of and Asperger. I love him but am a little frighten. I know that his relative that introduced him to me has to know that he has Aspergers. I should have been told and was not. And my friend that I have been dating has not told me this. He is brilliant and I respect him but now he is avoiding me and I don't know what to do. Is there any hope or should I let this go and the relationship dissipates as a result of his shutting down. Should I reach out to him or just wait to see if he contacts me. If he is shut down because of stress or needing to be alone my contacting him may anger him more. Please advise.
over 2 years ago
Hello. Testing low on the autism spectrum for Asperger's does not mean that your partner has it. He may have some Asperger's traits...but that doesn't mean he's full blown Asperger's like Temple Grandin or other adults who have definitively been diagnosed and wrote about their experience with this disorder. This is like assuming someone has major depressive disorder because they lost their job and have moped around the house. That is not fair to yourself, your partner, or anyone else reading this. Testing "low" does NOT mean there is an absolute diagnosis of Asperger's. I'd also like to know who tested your partner and what psychological test(s) were administered. ...and how you obtained access to those test results. Was this an online quiz your partner participated in?