Caregiving at Home
This online support group for in-home care discussions connects caregivers, family, friends, and others with an interest in aging in place. Get tips, advice, and support for your in-home care questions or concerns. Post best practices and success stories. Share about your in-home care experiences or challenges with others who understand. Ask for feedback or exchange ideas to help optimize aging in place for older adults.
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What's New Today
9 days ago
I've been taking care of my female bff, and haven't had a job, in-part, related to all her necessary illnesses. She's 48. I'm 62,...and a male. We need to differentiate who we all are, today, huh? There's way too much confusion,...in our relational situations, now!!! But, anyways, it would be highly effective, monetarily, to be getting cash,...for assisting her,...with my rn-level skills!
13 days ago
2 1/2 years ago I quit my job of 14yrs working for the state, sold my home and moved 3hrs away from all of my friends to "help" take care of my grandma who has end stage COPD. All of my grandparents children and most of their grandkids live with in the same town. Yet I've been begged to come help. We were promised pay from my uncles for her care, a job for my husband and a mobile home and a few acres from my grandparents. So under the assumption that everyone knows the plan we took the leap. When we got out here the oil field plummeted. My husband has thousands of dollars worth of student loans and around here they have no use for someone with a bachelor's degree. Ppl are hired through "the good 'ol boy" system
(We hire or uncles cousins cousin before a stranger with a degree). 1st set back. Family hob that was promised hmmm? "We have all the help we need right now." Me getting paid by the same ppl that promised my husband a job , ya right! The home and property.... hmmm turns out my grandma had neglected to tell anyone. It's in the family trust and good luck with that one. My grandpa is mad im here, my uncle that built his huge house in my grandparents front yard thinks I've taken something that should be his. Makes my grandma cry telling her she's ruining the farm... My own mother comes at me with "grandma bought that for me so I could rent it out and have extra income" she wants us to pay her rent on a house I thought was mine. Oh dear what have we gotten ourselves into? Needless to say 2 1/2yrs later it's become obvious we are on our own. My grandma cries when I tell her we may have to move(I've spent all the profit from selling my home and all the cash from a workers comp settlement just pin paying bills to live. In the mean time my grandpa has also been diagnosed with end stage COPD and my mother diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Now I've got three and my own family. most of my cousins and my own brothers are herion addicts. My brothets live with my mom when they aren't in jail. My family is not a family. Greed for what will some day be passed on to my grandparents 3 children has made 1 particular uncle insane, mean and ugly. I can ask until I'm blue in the face for help and they will all just leave my grandparents to fend for themselves - my grandma at the current moment has 3 new fractures in het back and needs a lot of assistance. Ppl will offer and never follow through. I've had more help from the few friends I've met here then anyone in my family. I've finally got a CNA who will come for 2hrs a wk and meals on wheels brings lunch. Thank you for ppl in the community who give their time to help those in need. ???? One a side note it got so hard for me that last year I attempted suicide. I was intubated and life flighted 3hrs to university hospital where I was in ICU unconscious with a breathing tube for 3 days then put on a 72hr hold in a psych ward. No one but my husband came to see me. I now have to fit time for my therapist and psychologist into my schedule. I'm so exhausted. I either don't sleep or crash for days at a time. I've lost 25lbs in just a few short months. I'm so sad all of the time and I feel guilty anytime I don't show up for a few days because I just can't get myself together. Wholey nuts that was a long intro and that's just the short version. I'm wondering if y'all wouldn't mind helping me out with dime more resources for getting through all this stress and hard close to the heart work? Books anything really....
19 days ago
I am now going to be the caregiver for my elderly parents. They are 79 and 81. my mother has had cancer for 12 years, my dad has had heart and circulatory issues. My partner in life has Parkinson's, I work a stressful full time job and try to have a life on the side. I am feeling very overwhelmed!
about 1 month ago
Both my parents are living at home and are 80. My mom's health has been failing for quite some time. She had a near miss with a heart attach a couple of years ago; thought we had lost her. She has dementia. Dad has been very healthy until 3 months ago when he contracted shingles. They have not gone away and have not gotten any better. Mom is completely dependent on him and he is under a tremendous amount of stress because of that. The live in a 3,000 square foot home with a large yard, insist on traveling and refuse to move. I live 6 hours away, my sister and her family are in Texas, my brother and his family are in Wisconsin. While I'm the closest, I work full time and cannot drive to see them very often. I'm going this weekend to see if I can talk them into at least temporary home care until Dad gets well, but that's only a bandaid. Any ideas?
about 1 month ago
How did you all start out with caregiving for your loved ones???? When did you realize it was about time to start doing so,, what did you do, and how did you ask for help and get others involved?? I'm in my early 30s, live with my grandparents who practically raised me. My mom (these are her parents) is in town with her husband, and she helps, but she's busy with her job and extracurricular activities. Her siblings are out of town, visit when they can and call all the time. For years they have pretty much let things fall on me since I "chose" to live here. I have even had that said to me. My grands have been pretty healthy but they are ailing now. My grandfather (just turned 89) just had a car wreck the other night and no one knew he left the house. Earlier in the day he got his car stuck in the mud in our yard just trying to move it from the driveway. No reason for him to be moving his car, he just can't keep still. Other relatives and I agree he should not be driving anymore, as he has had quite a few wrecks in the past few years. But he is fiercely independent and can't just take it easy and gets angry if you even try to suggest it or try to help. My grandmother is a few years younger and is healthy and can get around but can get winded. However she tends to get really anxious, loves to yell out for no reason which is really startling (mainly for you to see something on TV), will request people to go out and purchase the most craziest things (which adds to her somewhat hoarding) at her beck and call and will throw guilt trips if you don't or tell her to try to be reasonable. She also picks fights with my grandfather. Everyone has had to make sure to tell her not to say "I told you so" about this recent wreck. I have developed anxiety and depression over the years due to this living situation (the recession after I graduated college and recent housing boom in our area has messed things up) and some other issues that I have been working on. I am in a healthy relationship with a guy for a couple years who also has a grandmother to take care of outside his home. I don't know why he loves me sometimes, but he have future plans together, have both been saving money and have been our own team with encouraging each other in our situations and future plans. He helps me with my grandparents as well and they love him. However, my grandmother knows I am trying to move forward in my life and has grown more needy and has told me that. I am also unemployed as I was laid off a few months back and have been diligently looking for work. I have felt guilty, but I have to do what's best for me, and live my life. I can still take care of my grands and have my own place/life as well. I just know I will need some more help from relatives in town (not just mom) and will need for others to be accountable. I think others are seeing how serious things are after this recent wreck, which helps. I would just like some more advice on how to speak to other relatives on these matters. So far all I have is "I need some help."
Antique rose said...
about 1 month ago
I need advice. How do you caregivers take care of yourself? I have my 81 year old mother and 2 children. All of their Healthcare is almost 2 hours away. Mother is shaking in her head, hands, and voice. Refuses to go back to an urgent care and can't get in to her regular doc until a day that I am working. I am sorry to say this but she has moaned and whined all day. But as soon as I reached my breaking point of tears today, she is up and ironing.
An anonymous caregiver said...
about 1 month ago
I feel like a negative Nancy, as most of my posts are about stressful events - I apologize in advance for that. I need some guidance on an incident that occurred this past weekend.
Some background: I care for my mother-in-law in our home that we built for her needs. We also added an in-law suite to the back of the house for my FIL to come and go as he pleases. Usually he follows a typical routine but occasionally he shows up out of the blue. This was the case this past weekend.
I was sitting in the kitchen within earshot of MIL's room, where he was sitting talking with her. I hear him say the following:
"Poor (Husband's name), is trapped under her control (he never refers to me by name, only "her" or "she") she is such a control freak. He can't even make simple decisions without her input. She controls his every move. I wont get used to this at all. And this cat is another thing, she lets it run around wild. Well I am going to take this cat and throw it in front of a moving train." - This is where I interjected.
He knew that I was sitting where I was, and could hear everything he said. I went into the room and calmly but firmly told him that I could hear him and that I would appreciate it if he did not talk about me in that manner. His response was:
"Well it's true"
I responded with, "No, my husband and I are a team and make decisions together. Furthermore, I demand to be treated with respect, thank you."
I had to leave the house because I was so angry. My son was also in the house, but thankfully could not hear this.
When I talked to my husband about it, he apologized and then went on about his day. I am extremely affected by this. Mostly because this is not the first time he has treated me with disrespect.
My question to all of you, is am I out of line to develop a set of basic ground rules that FIL (and everyone) must abide by, and to say to EVERYONE, that if these rules are not followed, FIL has to leave or I will.?
I am saddened that my husband seems to not want to stand up to his father, and for me, his wife I don't know what to do.
about 1 month ago
Hello! I am new to the board. I have been caring for my mother for 10 years. Her care has varied greatly, starting with just cooking her meals and cleaning to more recently doing a great deal more for her. She lives beside me and lives by herself, but I anticipate that changing quickly. The biggest issue with me is my own health. I have a chronic illness that is debilitating in several ways. As the years have gone on my health has suffered greatly because of the disease but also because of the stress. I feel at the end if my rope with no relief in sight. I have begun to cry at the drop of a hat and feel sad, stuck and hopeless most of the time. My siblings are out of state. My brother is useless, but my sister will take her in. My mom does not want to move and I feel so guilty even thinking of moving her. She will throw a fit and demand to stay here. It will also be hard on my sister because she works full time. I have not been able to work because of my health so it looks like the best senerio for her is here. But I am so tired and discouraged I'm feeling fearful of the future. I almost feel I need professional help, so I reached out here. I guess I want to know if what I am feeling is normal, crying and emotional, trapped and hopeless. And if anyone can off ear direction that would be so appreciated. Thank you.
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