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Caregiving at Home

This online support group for in-home care discussions connects caregivers, family, friends, and others with an interest in aging in place. Get tips, advice, and support for your in-home care questions or concerns. Post best practices and success stories. Share about your in-home care experiences or challenges with others who understand. Ask for feedback or exchange ideas to help optimize aging in place for older adults.

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SMW_0233 said...

about 19 hours ago

Both my parents are living at home and are 80. My mom's health has been failing for quite some time. She had a near miss with a heart attach a couple of years ago; thought we had lost her. She has dementia. Dad has been very healthy until 3 months ago when he contracted shingles. They have not gone away and have not gotten any better. Mom is completely dependent on him and he is under a tremendous amount of stress because of that. The live in a 3,000 square foot home with a large yard, insist on traveling and refuse to move. I live 6 hours away, my sister and her family are in Texas, my brother and his family are in Wisconsin. While I'm the closest, I work full time and cannot drive to see them very often. I'm going this weekend to see if I can talk them into at least temporary home care until Dad gets well, but that's only a bandaid. Any ideas?

emptynest said...

about 18 hours ago

LonelyStar1814 said...

1 day ago

How did you all start out with caregiving for your loved ones???? When did you realize it was about time to start doing so,, what did you do, and how did you ask for help and get others involved?? I'm in my early 30s, live with my grandparents who practically raised me. My mom (these are her parents) is in town with her husband, and she helps, but she's busy with her job and extracurricular activities. Her siblings are out of town, visit when they can and call all the time. For years they have pretty much let things fall on me since I "chose" to live here. I have even had that said to me. My grands have been pretty healthy but they are ailing now. My grandfather (just turned 89) just had a car wreck the other night and no one knew he left the house. Earlier in the day he got his car stuck in the mud in our yard just trying to move it from the driveway. No reason for him to be moving his car, he just can't keep still. Other relatives and I agree he should not be driving anymore, as he has had quite a few wrecks in the past few years. But he is fiercely independent and can't just take it easy and gets angry if you even try to suggest it or try to help. My grandmother is a few years younger and is healthy and can get around but can get winded. However she tends to get really anxious, loves to yell out for no reason which is really startling (mainly for you to see something on TV), will request people to go out and purchase the most craziest things (which adds to her somewhat hoarding) at her beck and call and will throw guilt trips if you don't or tell her to try to be reasonable. She also picks fights with my grandfather. Everyone has had to make sure to tell her not to say "I told you so" about this recent wreck. I have developed anxiety and depression over the years due to this living situation (the recession after I graduated college and recent housing boom in our area has messed things up) and some other issues that I have been working on. I am in a healthy relationship with a guy for a couple years who also has a grandmother to take care of outside his home. I don't know why he loves me sometimes, but he have future plans together, have both been saving money and have been our own team with encouraging each other in our situations and future plans. He helps me with my grandparents as well and they love him. However, my grandmother knows I am trying to move forward in my life and has grown more needy and has told me that. I am also unemployed as I was laid off a few months back and have been diligently looking for work. I have felt guilty, but I have to do what's best for me, and live my life. I can still take care of my grands and have my own place/life as well. I just know I will need some more help from relatives in town (not just mom) and will need for others to be accountable. I think others are seeing how serious things are after this recent wreck, which helps. I would just like some more advice on how to speak to other relatives on these matters. So far all I have is "I need some help."

Ladymiller said...

about 14 hours ago

LonelyStar1814 said...

about 11 hours ago

Antique rose said...

1 day ago

I need advice. How do you caregivers take care of yourself? I have my 81 year old mother and 2 children. All of their Healthcare is almost 2 hours away. Mother is shaking in her head, hands, and voice. Refuses to go back to an urgent care and can't get in to her regular doc until a day that I am working. I am sorry to say this but she has moaned and whined all day. But as soon as I reached my breaking point of tears today, she is up and ironing.

Sheila1944 said...

about 15 hours ago

Antique rose said...

about 12 hours ago

3 days ago

I feel like a negative Nancy, as most of my posts are about stressful events - I apologize in advance for that. I need some guidance on an incident that occurred this past weekend.

Some background: I care for my mother-in-law in our home that we built for her needs. We also added an in-law suite to the back of the house for my FIL to come and go as he pleases. Usually he follows a typical routine but occasionally he shows up out of the blue. This was the case this past weekend.

I was sitting in the kitchen within earshot of MIL's room, where he was sitting talking with her. I hear him say the following:

"Poor (Husband's name), is trapped under her control (he never refers to me by name, only "her" or "she") she is such a control freak. He can't even make simple decisions without her input. She controls his every move. I wont get used to this at all. And this cat is another thing, she lets it run around wild. Well I am going to take this cat and throw it in front of a moving train." - This is where I interjected.

He knew that I was sitting where I was, and could hear everything he said. I went into the room and calmly but firmly told him that I could hear him and that I would appreciate it if he did not talk about me in that manner. His response was:

"Well it's true"

I responded with, "No, my husband and I are a team and make decisions together. Furthermore, I demand to be treated with respect, thank you."

I had to leave the house because I was so angry. My son was also in the house, but thankfully could not hear this.

When I talked to my husband about it, he apologized and then went on about his day. I am extremely affected by this. Mostly because this is not the first time he has treated me with disrespect.

My question to all of you, is am I out of line to develop a set of basic ground rules that FIL (and everyone) must abide by, and to say to EVERYONE, that if these rules are not followed, FIL has to leave or I will.?

I am saddened that my husband seems to not want to stand up to his father, and for me, his wife I don't know what to do.

GoldenPoppy said...

2 days ago

emptynest said...

2 days ago

Lovedby2 said...

9 days ago

Hello! I am new to the board. I have been caring for my mother for 10 years. Her care has varied greatly, starting with just cooking her meals and cleaning to more recently doing a great deal more for her. She lives beside me and lives by herself, but I anticipate that changing quickly. The biggest issue with me is my own health. I have a chronic illness that is debilitating in several ways. As the years have gone on my health has suffered greatly because of the disease but also because of the stress. I feel at the end if my rope with no relief in sight. I have begun to cry at the drop of a hat and feel sad, stuck and hopeless most of the time. My siblings are out of state. My brother is useless, but my sister will take her in. My mom does not want to move and I feel so guilty even thinking of moving her. She will throw a fit and demand to stay here. It will also be hard on my sister because she works full time. I have not been able to work because of my health so it looks like the best senerio for her is here. But I am so tired and discouraged I'm feeling fearful of the future. I almost feel I need professional help, so I reached out here. I guess I want to know if what I am feeling is normal, crying and emotional, trapped and hopeless. And if anyone can off ear direction that would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Lovedby2 said...

9 days ago

Lovedby2 said...

8 days ago

saccatume said...

14 days ago

Hello, I am new to the boards and desparately seeing any help at this point.
Yesterday we received the official dementia diagnosis for my mom, moderate to severe subcortial. She moved in with my new husband and I 2 months ago and the stress of caring for her is making me physically ill, and I fear it it will deteriorate my new marriage. She was living out of state with my step father, who also is suffering from memory issues along with other issues, and they are not able to properly care for each other and together unfortunately, they are toxic to each other because of personality changes. I am not able to provide the level of care that is needed for her. At this time she is alone at lease 6 hours a day because of my work schedule, she is newly diagnosed diabetic, so I am not able to properly monitor if she is eating properly as she does not follow written instruction, even though she thinks she is following. I have done everything I can do to provide enough routine and structure but she obssesses over things and really just eats and stays in bed because I cannot provide enough structure for her. Today, I received an e mail from my step brother letting me know that he did not know where the money would come from to pay for a care facility for her. I don't know what I can do at this point so that caring for her does not destroy me, my husband and my quality of life ( which has already been profoundly reduced because of the stress)
my mother is extremely "needy" in that she will do things for herself when we are not there, but even the simplest tasks such as walking to the kitchen for a bottle of water she will demand we do for her when we are home. I have an older brother, but because he is a single father with no extra money and two elementary aged children to care for as well, I get few breaks with her care and little time without her, and not time at home when she is not here are well. The few times that she has visited my brother, he keeps her for less than 24 hours. I know that there is no understanding of the stress that one endures in these situations unless you have experienced this. I also suffer from anxiety and I am deeply fearful that she will have to remain here and I will end up hospitalized or worse from stress. any advice would be greatly appreciated as I don't know how long I can do this.

saccatume said...

14 days ago

BobbieK said...

10 days ago

Daisylost said...

14 days ago

I moved myself and 83 yr old mom into a new apt on March 10, with zero help from my four older siblings. It was a rough move (rough as in: bro whom she was living with refused to let her have her furniture for a 3 wks and sister who withdrew allmonies from mom's account as she was on it the day after she found out I had moved my mom).. I thought I was doing pretty good. I got the apt, got my mom, took time off to move us, found angels to help me, off 3 wks from work I go back for one week, dealing with this whole new thing and then idk what happened on Monday morning, I just felt I could not function as me. I have called in sick all this week and mom like a little kid, she asks no real questions just things like "what are we doing today" or "is it time to eat?" I MISS my mom sooo bad. I dont know who I am right now. :'(

Daisylost said...

13 days ago

Ladymiller said...

9 days ago

susanjoans said...

22 days ago

New to this website. After a mild stroke 3 years ago, my mother moved in with my fiancé and me. She's now 87, and in pretty good health, but has balance problems and is at risk for falls. I work full-time at a high stress job - luckily my mate works from home and is able to be there if mom needs anything.
I have 5 older siblings, 3 in the same town, but the only help I have is from one sister who takes mom to dinner a couple of times a month. When I ask for help, the general response is to put mom in a home. That's completely incompatible with my core values. My biggest problem right now is severe depression, and recurring PTSD from some childhood abuse by a sibling. I've gotten a lot of help through that over the years, but now living with mom I'm more vulnerable to triggers. So I work very hard on self-care and continuing therapy (which she doesn't get - her generation just 'sucked it up'. 90% of the time we do very well and work and laugh together, fiancé included (he's a gem!). That other 10% though, whew.
Just wanting to reach out and ease the isolation of being a caregiver. Thank you for being here.

susanjoans said...

19 days ago

Sheila1944 said...

18 days ago

YoungAndTired said...

26 days ago

Hi everyone. I just need to vent to someone. Anyone. I have no one to vent to or talk to.

I am 24 years old. I have been taking care of my disabled older sister, whom has cerebral palsy, severe epilepsy, and left side paralysis, since I was 12. I became homeschooled after 8th grade in order to take care of her with my mother. I finished high school and went on and off with college. I was unable to concentrate on college due to the intense pressure at home. So I dropped out and stayed home.

I don't have a SINGLE friend. No one. I have family, but they are all siblings who are married and living their lives. And even if I did on the rare occasion make a friend, they would always stop talking to me because no one wants to hang or talk to someone who can't go out, and can't call whenever they want, and cannot go out and have fun. The only time I leave the house is to either go grocery shopping, take my sister or mother to the doctor, or run errands with my mother. My mother used to help me more, but now she needs my help as well. But she's getting older and more sick and now she needs my help as well.

I feel depressed. I feel I have no purpose other than to serve others. I know they cannot be without me and they need me. And I have given up a social life, a career, my education, and my entire life and happiness just so I can take care of them.

I never feel my age. I feel so much older than 24. Because I did not experience the things a typical teenager or young adult would experience. I've never been to a birthday party. I've never gone out with a friend. And I'm not exaggerating when I say I do not have a single friend. Not one. And it's killing me. Because I just want someone to talk to. I want to feel human again.

I want someone my age to talk to and vent to. All I do is cook and clean the house and bathe my sister and do the laundry and go grocery shopping and she hits me and spits and yells and screams and I can't do anything about that. Because she doesn't know better. She's sick.

I'm so sorry if this is not the right type of content to post in this wonderful forum. I didn't read around much to get a feel of the place.

StacieElizabeth said...

26 days ago

emptynest said...

25 days ago

Jamie B123. said...

about 1 month ago

Hello, my name is James Brumley and my dad died November 30, 2016, of prostate cancer. He was in a home hospice program for a little over six months. We did not have a good experience with our hospice provider. I am currently a senior at the University of North Texas and I am double-majoring in History and Sociology. For my capstone research project in Sociology, I am researching caregivers' experiences with home hospice providers, in the hopes of better understanding how caregivers and their loved ones might choose the appropriate hospice provider, according to their preferences. If anybody would be wiling to share their experiences as a caregiver. it would be greatly appreciated, and all participants would be kept strictly confidential.

Cassandra7 said...

30 days ago

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