Caregiving at Home
This online support group for in-home care discussions connects caregivers, family, friends, and others with an interest in aging in place. Get tips, advice, and support for your in-home care questions or concerns. Post best practices and success stories. Share about your in-home care experiences or challenges with others who understand. Ask for feedback or exchange ideas to help optimize aging in place for older adults.
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What's New Today
8 days ago
This site comes up when I go to Google. I can't find a close button. I don't like it. I also don't like that the only posts that come up first are the one's that say to keep a parent home. I've found whether to keep my mother at home a huge. difficult, .and guilt ridden decision and was hoping to just talk to people going through the same thing.
9 days ago
Hi, This is my 1st time posting here. My Mom is 91, has vascular dementia, and has lived with me and my husband for the past 4 years. Sometimes I feel like I can keep doing this and other days/hours I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and can't keep going. I'm considering a memory care facility in the area for her, but I'm emotionally torn apart by the idea. I'm wondering if others of you who have cared for loved ones at home have faced that choice and if you have any words of advice/wisdom.
16 days ago
Hi, this is my first time here. My mom is 86 years old. I'm one of 9 children, but I am the only one taking care of my mom. I get no help or support from family. My mother fell and broke her hip over a year ago. I have not had s day off for over a year. I get critized daily from my mom who doesn't understand how hard I'm working. I recently had a birthday and hinted to my family for a special day, only one person in my family remembered my birthday. I had a meltdown and let them know I was disappointed and I ended up apologizing and still got no help. I feel so alone, like no one cares, I feel abandoned. I've mentioned to my mom I need respite care so I can breath a little, her reply was I should stop feeling sorry for myself and if I try to get respite help she would go on a hunger strike, any advice or supportive words would help. Thank you, anyone for listening
17 days ago
Kind of unique situation here. My parents are caregivers to my grandmother. My parents purchased a home suitable for my grandmother and take care of all of her needs. She is able to get around but she is in her 90's and should not cook her own meals or do her own laundry. She is forgetful and unsteady on her feet. The current situation is not working though between my parents and my grandmother. There seems to be a great deal of frustration and resentment on both sides. I hate to see them like this. What can I do to help them and point them in the right direction to get some help? I don't know if they would look into an online forum like this. Should I call the local Agency on Aging or whatever that is called? I just hate watching this situation deteriorate and I don't know what to do. I have offered to help with caregiving so they can go out of town/go out to eat, etc. They have not taken me up on my offers. They likely don't want to burden me because I am a working mom. I am not sure. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
22 days ago
I'm a 29 year old single female. My mother lives with me for multiple reasons, She is my best friend, we get along great, my brothers are unsympathetic to her struggles as she ages far too early at age 64. She has a lot of joint pain and depression that has been getting worse. We've gone from being a roommate-like partnership to what feels like to me nearly complete dependence. She tries her best but I feel like I'm doing everything for her. Its not that I mind, but it gets so frustrating. She's an increasing fall risk and trying to keep the house picked up to prevent trip hazards has become a full time job. I work 40+ hours a week as a pediatric nurse and am usually quite exhausted when I get home. Her memory is slipping, which we're waiting for test results. The hardest part though, is my brothers don't understand the extent of it, they are also in denial. Basically I'm in this completely alone. Last Thanksgiving my mother was admitted to the hospital for 4 days and my brothers couldn't be taken from their activities to visit her while I was at work. I've been taking care of others since I was 18. First as a CNA then it was my grandfather until his death and now my mother. Even though I have more experience and education, I feel like this is getting harder and harder for me. I feel like I'm stuck between a brick wall and an incoming truck at full speed. I'm terrified and lost.
Paula N said...
about 1 month ago
My mom lives with my husband and I. We moved from Alaska to NM in 2011, from that point on she has been with us. We have recently moved from NM to MO when my husband retired. Mom and my husband are always at each other. And I'm stuck in the middle. I feel it's time for mom to move into assisted living my husband and I can enjoy our retirement and we don't resent her. If we travel we can only be gone for a couple of days or ask my daughter in law to check on her. She stays in her room all day watching TV. The only time we see her is when she goes to the bathroom or is hungry. She has slacked off on helping around the house sense we moved so it puts more responsibility on me. My brother hasn't helped out with taking care of her, I asked once and was told he had other plans. I'm not sure how to raise the subject of her moving into assisted living. I don't want her to hate me. I love her. But I'm afraid I'm going to resent her. Any advice?
about 1 month ago
Hello everyone. I'm new. And I need to just [profanity removed] a moment.
I'm 51, a divorced man who is in good health and had a life (yes, that is "past tense").
My father is 91, My sister and I moved into my fathers home a month ago, and we share caregiving. He is almost confined to a chair full time, but can get up and take care of bodily functions mostly alone. From 5pm until he retires to bed, its my shift.
I maintain the home, do a fair share of cleaning and such, and I also bath him and make sure he gets out and walks (as much as he can which isn't much).
I will say a positive here--I feel good when we get his bath over, because he looks better. I know he is clean when that part is done, despite the fact I am washing the nether regions just like you would expect. But I feel pride and happiness to know I helped.
The down side is he can be a mean [profanity removed] grouchy man. The good side is I'm a duck, and it rolls off my shoulders; I can deal with it. The bad side, which is what I just need to vent about, is my family is totally unable to handle that side of him. So, they run....and they dump it all on me and my other sister.
I am saddened to see how my other siblings are handling the situation. Selfishness and a desire of "THATS not my JOB" runs rampant.
I set an expectation before moving in that I was probably thinking "4 months" when taking this responsibility. My father doesn't like the idea of a home, and my siblings are ridiculously ignorant about the work involved with this. Caregiving (and my part is SMALL compared to many) is difficult and draining. It can swallow your life!
My sister, who shares the lion's share of the job here with me (I have 5 other siblings total), had a blow out yesterday because she doesn't have very good boundaries herself, and feels like she never gets a break (which isn't true). However, being here, I can see her perspective even though I see it as her boundaries, not mine nor the work-load.
I have some hard-love stuff coming up in this 4 months, I can see it coming...
I just need to vent. Some things happened yesterday that swallowed up more of my life--and don't get me wrong, I love my father--but despite that love, I am unwilling to self destruct because my father DEMANDS attention, or my other siblings are unwilling to see reality. There are options.
I have things I want in my life. And those things take time--but I can't work on those things when my time is swallowed up in the life of my father. I do NOT feel guilt about this dilemma because down inside, I am certain I am a loving kind man. I am at a place where I'm looking and trying to discover the way forward. My father can get the care he needs in a home--AND he would also have me visiting him often because I can and am willing to do that. But, he doesn't want it--its like a horrible choice for him (his pride and all). There is also an option of some in-home care,..but I have siblings who are selfish with the money and don't want that option either. Or course, those are the siblings who also don't want to be involved in care-giving at all either.
I feel myself settling inside,...like my foundation is shifting through sand and seeking bedrock. I refuse to lash out at my other siblings, but at the same time, I want to have inner boundaries that I can support for myself, as well as appropriate compassion for the situation and my father. I am not afraid or unable to do this--its just new ground I've never encountered before.
With my sisters blow-out and lash out yesterday (and I got hit with a LOT of that), I am working to understand the line between appropriate compassionate care, and where it self destructs. What can I reasonably give, and where is the line?....
I've never been in this place before. I still have my feet on the ground, and I am generally a very solid man. I just feel myself hurting. It helps to share it--writing it out give perspective.
My name is Rob. :-)
An anonymous caregiver said...
about 1 month ago
My wife, me and two young children moved in with my 87 year old grandfather. He has Parkinsons, CHF, COPD and other stuff His kids ( my parents and Uncle are not interested in helping and are just waiting for the reading of the will). Since we have moved in with him he had stated several times that we (my wife and I) have a bedroom, the kids have a bedroom, don't touch anything else. He is/was had a hoarding compulsion which we have put a stop to I have cleaned the garage, the back yard, and am now attempting to clean the basement (floor to ceiling crap) The house is huge and we could never afford to repair it It needs windows, a heating system, paint, etc from years of neglect My grandfather has money....a lot of money but he is excruciatingly cheap to a faul. He has essentially fought me on any attempt to make what few necessary changes I feel are essential to the house. He also is not driving and expects me and or my wife to do the errands related to a business he owns that he should not be running.... but is not giving that up either. He treats me, a grown male figure like an employee and manipulates the kindness of my wife against me. i.e.- He mockingly grins and winks at her when I make attempts at serious conversations about the house or his lifestyle initiated by me. He acts as if he's doing us a favor by having is move in with him... We had a nice life in a nice house in a nice community with lots of friends that we left to take care of him. Obviously this is a synopsis of the situation and there are multiple layers to the situation but I need help because this is affecting my mental health. Are there support groups for people in my situation
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