Caregiving at Home
This online support group for in-home care discussions connects caregivers, family, friends, and others with an interest in aging in place. Get tips, advice, and support for your in-home care questions or concerns. Post best practices and success stories. Share about your in-home care experiences or challenges with others who understand. Ask for feedback or exchange ideas to help optimize aging in place for older adults.
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Paula N said...
13 days ago
My mom lives with my husband and I. We moved from Alaska to NM in 2011, from that point on she has been with us. We have recently moved from NM to MO when my husband retired. Mom and my husband are always at each other. And I'm stuck in the middle. I feel it's time for mom to move into assisted living my husband and I can enjoy our retirement and we don't resent her. If we travel we can only be gone for a couple of days or ask my daughter in law to check on her. She stays in her room all day watching TV. The only time we see her is when she goes to the bathroom or is hungry. She has slacked off on helping around the house sense we moved so it puts more responsibility on me. My brother hasn't helped out with taking care of her, I asked once and was told he had other plans. I'm not sure how to raise the subject of her moving into assisted living. I don't want her to hate me. I love her. But I'm afraid I'm going to resent her. Any advice?
16 days ago
Hello everyone. I'm new. And I need to just [profanity removed] a moment.
I'm 51, a divorced man who is in good health and had a life (yes, that is "past tense").
My father is 91, My sister and I moved into my fathers home a month ago, and we share caregiving. He is almost confined to a chair full time, but can get up and take care of bodily functions mostly alone. From 5pm until he retires to bed, its my shift.
I maintain the home, do a fair share of cleaning and such, and I also bath him and make sure he gets out and walks (as much as he can which isn't much).
I will say a positive here--I feel good when we get his bath over, because he looks better. I know he is clean when that part is done, despite the fact I am washing the nether regions just like you would expect. But I feel pride and happiness to know I helped.
The down side is he can be a mean [profanity removed] grouchy man. The good side is I'm a duck, and it rolls off my shoulders; I can deal with it. The bad side, which is what I just need to vent about, is my family is totally unable to handle that side of him. So, they run....and they dump it all on me and my other sister.
I am saddened to see how my other siblings are handling the situation. Selfishness and a desire of "THATS not my JOB" runs rampant.
I set an expectation before moving in that I was probably thinking "4 months" when taking this responsibility. My father doesn't like the idea of a home, and my siblings are ridiculously ignorant about the work involved with this. Caregiving (and my part is SMALL compared to many) is difficult and draining. It can swallow your life!
My sister, who shares the lion's share of the job here with me (I have 5 other siblings total), had a blow out yesterday because she doesn't have very good boundaries herself, and feels like she never gets a break (which isn't true). However, being here, I can see her perspective even though I see it as her boundaries, not mine nor the work-load.
I have some hard-love stuff coming up in this 4 months, I can see it coming...
I just need to vent. Some things happened yesterday that swallowed up more of my life--and don't get me wrong, I love my father--but despite that love, I am unwilling to self destruct because my father DEMANDS attention, or my other siblings are unwilling to see reality. There are options.
I have things I want in my life. And those things take time--but I can't work on those things when my time is swallowed up in the life of my father. I do NOT feel guilt about this dilemma because down inside, I am certain I am a loving kind man. I am at a place where I'm looking and trying to discover the way forward. My father can get the care he needs in a home--AND he would also have me visiting him often because I can and am willing to do that. But, he doesn't want it--its like a horrible choice for him (his pride and all). There is also an option of some in-home care,..but I have siblings who are selfish with the money and don't want that option either. Or course, those are the siblings who also don't want to be involved in care-giving at all either.
I feel myself settling inside,...like my foundation is shifting through sand and seeking bedrock. I refuse to lash out at my other siblings, but at the same time, I want to have inner boundaries that I can support for myself, as well as appropriate compassion for the situation and my father. I am not afraid or unable to do this--its just new ground I've never encountered before.
With my sisters blow-out and lash out yesterday (and I got hit with a LOT of that), I am working to understand the line between appropriate compassionate care, and where it self destructs. What can I reasonably give, and where is the line?....
I've never been in this place before. I still have my feet on the ground, and I am generally a very solid man. I just feel myself hurting. It helps to share it--writing it out give perspective.
My name is Rob. :-)
An anonymous caregiver said...
16 days ago
My wife, me and two young children moved in with my 87 year old grandfather. He has Parkinsons, CHF, COPD and other stuff His kids ( my parents and Uncle are not interested in helping and are just waiting for the reading of the will). Since we have moved in with him he had stated several times that we (my wife and I) have a bedroom, the kids have a bedroom, don't touch anything else. He is/was had a hoarding compulsion which we have put a stop to I have cleaned the garage, the back yard, and am now attempting to clean the basement (floor to ceiling crap) The house is huge and we could never afford to repair it It needs windows, a heating system, paint, etc from years of neglect My grandfather has money....a lot of money but he is excruciatingly cheap to a faul. He has essentially fought me on any attempt to make what few necessary changes I feel are essential to the house. He also is not driving and expects me and or my wife to do the errands related to a business he owns that he should not be running.... but is not giving that up either. He treats me, a grown male figure like an employee and manipulates the kindness of my wife against me. i.e.- He mockingly grins and winks at her when I make attempts at serious conversations about the house or his lifestyle initiated by me. He acts as if he's doing us a favor by having is move in with him... We had a nice life in a nice house in a nice community with lots of friends that we left to take care of him. Obviously this is a synopsis of the situation and there are multiple layers to the situation but I need help because this is affecting my mental health. Are there support groups for people in my situation
about 1 month ago
I've been taking care of my female bff, and haven't had a job, in-part, related to all her necessary illnesses. She's 48. I'm 62,...and a male. We need to differentiate who we all are, today, huh? There's way too much confusion,...in our relational situations, now!!! But, anyways, it would be highly effective, monetarily, to be getting cash,...for assisting her,...with my rn-level skills!
about 1 month ago
2 1/2 years ago I quit my job of 14yrs working for the state, sold my home and moved 3hrs away from all of my friends to "help" take care of my grandma who has end stage COPD. All of my grandparents children and most of their grandkids live with in the same town. Yet I've been begged to come help. We were promised pay from my uncles for her care, a job for my husband and a mobile home and a few acres from my grandparents. So under the assumption that everyone knows the plan we took the leap. When we got out here the oil field plummeted. My husband has thousands of dollars worth of student loans and around here they have no use for someone with a bachelor's degree. Ppl are hired through "the good 'ol boy" system
(We hire or uncles cousins cousin before a stranger with a degree). 1st set back. Family hob that was promised hmmm? "We have all the help we need right now." Me getting paid by the same ppl that promised my husband a job , ya right! The home and property.... hmmm turns out my grandma had neglected to tell anyone. It's in the family trust and good luck with that one. My grandpa is mad im here, my uncle that built his huge house in my grandparents front yard thinks I've taken something that should be his. Makes my grandma cry telling her she's ruining the farm... My own mother comes at me with "grandma bought that for me so I could rent it out and have extra income" she wants us to pay her rent on a house I thought was mine. Oh dear what have we gotten ourselves into? Needless to say 2 1/2yrs later it's become obvious we are on our own. My grandma cries when I tell her we may have to move(I've spent all the profit from selling my home and all the cash from a workers comp settlement just pin paying bills to live. In the mean time my grandpa has also been diagnosed with end stage COPD and my mother diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Now I've got three and my own family. most of my cousins and my own brothers are herion addicts. My brothets live with my mom when they aren't in jail. My family is not a family. Greed for what will some day be passed on to my grandparents 3 children has made 1 particular uncle insane, mean and ugly. I can ask until I'm blue in the face for help and they will all just leave my grandparents to fend for themselves - my grandma at the current moment has 3 new fractures in het back and needs a lot of assistance. Ppl will offer and never follow through. I've had more help from the few friends I've met here then anyone in my family. I've finally got a CNA who will come for 2hrs a wk and meals on wheels brings lunch. Thank you for ppl in the community who give their time to help those in need. ???? One a side note it got so hard for me that last year I attempted suicide. I was intubated and life flighted 3hrs to university hospital where I was in ICU unconscious with a breathing tube for 3 days then put on a 72hr hold in a psych ward. No one but my husband came to see me. I now have to fit time for my therapist and psychologist into my schedule. I'm so exhausted. I either don't sleep or crash for days at a time. I've lost 25lbs in just a few short months. I'm so sad all of the time and I feel guilty anytime I don't show up for a few days because I just can't get myself together. Wholey nuts that was a long intro and that's just the short version. I'm wondering if y'all wouldn't mind helping me out with dime more resources for getting through all this stress and hard close to the heart work? Books anything really....
about 1 month ago
I am now going to be the caregiver for my elderly parents. They are 79 and 81. my mother has had cancer for 12 years, my dad has had heart and circulatory issues. My partner in life has Parkinson's, I work a stressful full time job and try to have a life on the side. I am feeling very overwhelmed!
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