Caregiving at Home
This online support group for in-home care discussions connects caregivers, family, friends, and others with an interest in aging in place. Get tips, advice, and support for your in-home care questions or concerns. Post best practices and success stories. Share about your in-home care experiences or challenges with others who understand. Ask for feedback or exchange ideas to help optimize aging in place for older adults.
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What's New Today
16 days ago
Hi. I'm new. I've just arranged for full time supervision for my mother (84) in her home. I live about 3 hours away. I've been having to try to take care of her long distance for about a year now when it was apparent that she really losing her memory and couldn't do various tasks. I've made these arrangements for a full time care taker until my mother's money runs out, which won't be that long. My brother who lives across the country has offered to take her in when that happens. My head is reeling right now. My mother was sad but agreeable about all these plans, but now is telling people that she hates me, and refers to me really in obscene terms. I know intellectually that its the dementia talking, but it still freaking me out. All this has just this week happened. I feel guilty that I want nothing to do with her or this problem. I'm 60, hold three jobs just to survive, and am so tired. Is it normal to just want to run away from this responsibility? Thank you for listening.
16 days ago
My mother lived in another state and I spoke to her daily on the phone. Her calls were short and she seemed a bit confused at times but I thought nothing of it since she is 87. One day, I got a call from a Adult Protective Service agent who had tested my mother and decided she should not live alone. I picked my mother up the next day and brought her to live with me and my family. I had NO idea what I was getting into. Now, after 4 months, she no longer knows who I am and has every dementia symptom in the book. The doctor I took her to says she has vascular dementia. This caregiver stuff is HARD. I have to stop typing now because she's up and walking away and I need to make sure she's okay.
C assie said...
19 days ago
I surely can use some support, hugs, and prayers right now. My mom was getting physical therapy this afternoon and in the process broke her ankle in two places. She is in the hospital now and will have to have surgery in the morning. They will be putting a plate and screws in her foot. My sister who takes care of mom with me and I were at the hospital for over five hours, then I made her some home with me so that she can get some rest as she was up all night yesterday.We will be going back to the hospital in the morning. We don't know what time her surgery is, only that she is having it. I feel so guilty right now. I feel guilty because I hadn't felt like doing anything for mom today because I was so tired. When me sister calledl me and told me it was time to get mom up, I sighed and just sat on the side of the bed for a couple minutes, then peeled myself off the bed and came out. I asked my sister to help me get mom washed and dressed and I don't usually do that. But I was just so tired. I feel guilty because I forgot to change mom's shirt. My mind just wasn't in the game. And my mom had wanted me to play rummy with her, but I just didn't feel like it and I was going to make an excuse not to play after I returned home from taking care of some business with my other sister. I am just riddled with guily because I didn't feel like caring for mom today and now she is hurt and she is going to have to go into a nursing home to rehab AGAIN. This is the fourth time this year that my mom has ben in a nursing home and she absolutely hates them and begged my sister not to let her be put in one the last time. I feel gulty because I prayed a few days ago and asked the Lord when this caregiving was going to end. That I was so tired of it. And now my mom is going to be away from home and I won't have to get up at five thirty in the morning for her dialysis days and will be able to get some rest and I feel like a monster for even thinking of such things at a time like this. Am I a monster? I have a specific prayer request. Please pray with me that my mom gets to go to the nursing home she was in this last time. It is a beautiful place and they really take good care of the residents and I will be able to rest if I know she is there. Please pray that she doesn't get sent to the bad nursing home she was in prior to the last time. We had to spend the days and nights there to make sure she was getting her cares done. I slept in a recliner. It was a hellacious place. I have another request. This one is for my sister, Sharon. She is the one who takes care of mom with me. She does a lion's share of the work. She takes care of mom at night and lets me sleep so that I can get some rest and often goes doys with only a few hours of sleep. I don't know what I would do without her. Anyway, she feels a lot of guilt because she was the one with mom when she broke her ankle and she was with mom (and went down with her) when she broke her leg in February and people keep asking her how mom broke her ankle, like it's her fault or something. Would some of you please send her some hugs and prayers, sending them to me, but writing the hugs and prayers to Sharon so that I can show them to her. It will encourage her and lift her spirits. She has problems trying to access email so she doesn't do that kind of thing. I feel so bad. I feel bad for my mom. I pray that she mends well. And I pray to get through this latest bout of...I don't even know what to call it. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I
24 days ago
Hi everyone. I'm new to support groups but I think it's definitely time for me to join one. Fair warning, this will probably be a long first post... I apologize.
I'm in a unique situation where I am the primary caregiver for my 82 year old maternal grandparents. I've been trying to find books for caregiver for grandparents but there don't seem to be any. Here's a little background for you...
My grandparents have always been in good health and very independent up until this summer. My grandmother was on the cusp of showing some signs of memory loss, but nothing serious. She has had problems with arthritis in her shoulders for the past several years, but that's about it. My grandfather has always been healthy, except for some asthma. This all changed at the end of May this year. My grandfather had cellulitis in his right big toes and unfortunately had to have it removed, he had his right "index" toe removed last year with no complications. This time, he developed a serious infection in the amputation site and had to have a BK amputation. He developed even more serious infections, including MRSA, in the site this time and was sent to a level 1 trauma hospital where he was in isolation at the infectious disease department. During this time, he developed clotting issues, resulting in a diagnosis of CMML, a form of leukemia. Because of that severity of the infections, and the hematology issues resulting from the leukemia, my grandfather had to have an AK amputation. Meanwhile, my grandmother tore both of her rotator cuffs (with no possibility of surgery and enables her from driving and doing many ADL's), is getting more memory loss rapidly (dementia does run in her family, her doctors are aware), and is losing her hearing.
Thankfully, even though I'm only 28, I had the means to quit my job and move in with them to take care of them 24/7. We have spent the majority of time since the end of May in and out of the hospital with blood transfusions, accidents, bed sores, pneumonia, chemotherapy treatments, bloody urine and stool from bladder stones, and most recently a possible diagnosis of bladder cancer.
My mom (who is a huge supporter and advocate, don't get me wrong) was unable to take care of them, having had 3 neck surgeries herself. She would be unable to do the physical demands required. She works with elder care lawyers and helping families plan funerals and counsels them follow a loss. She comes to visit when she can but lives 1.5 hours away, she usually comes 1-2 times a week. She has been an indispensable asset to helping us. My uncle, her brother, is unable to help because he had a TBI years ago, leaving him partially disabled. I have 2 sisters, one who lives 2.5 hours away and one who lives 8 hours away. My fiancee did move into my grandparents house with me, but works on the road 5-7 days a week.
So it's just me. 24/7. And it has come to the point where I literally don't have anyone to ask for help or a break. My grandparents friends are able to visit with them, but I can't really rely on them for the physical demands or wound care. I have no friends out here and our lives are consumed with doctor's visits almost daily, physical therapists coming over, or home health nurses taking blood samples. I think I am holding up relatively well, considering I've been here since June but I know I need an emotional outlet. I'm becoming increasingly aggravated and short-tempered, losing sleep, and becoming lethargic... all classic signs of burn out.
Any recommendations, prayers, insights, or just even useless mutual chatter/venting would be gladly welcomed.
An anonymous caregiver said...
24 days ago
I have a lot of anger today. It's probably misplaced, but still. My husband was supposed to be on vacation all week but has ended up going into work every day except Tuesday, and even worked late the days he went in. I am home caring for his mother and preparing for a party that my father-in-law volunteered us for this weekend. We were just able to set up home care so I have had to juggle RNs, PT, OT, and home health aides all week in addition to my son having two days off from school and planning this party. When my husband does come home he is in a lousy mood and angry at me for things regarding my son (like him being afraid to go upstairs alone at night). I feel so angry because I have given up my career to care for his mother and sometimes father in our home. I am happy to do it, as she is very sweet and basically a prisoner in her own body but it is a lot of work. He does thank me, but what I want and need is him to be present and understanding. He even came home last night at 5 and then said that he needed to go "rest" for a while before we got mother ready for bed. Rest? Meanwhile I had not even had time to eat, shower, or pee all day. I often think that he stays at work late to avoid being home. I feel like it's not fair. I am even in graduate school and hope that my school work can stay a float through all of this. Thanks for listening.
about 1 month ago
Hi Everyone, I am new here!
About three weeks ago, my husband and I moved my mother-in-law into our new home we built specifically for her. She has Multiple Sclerosis and most recently lost the ability to transfer, and is now bed bound. Even though we have been planning this transition for almost a year, I have met some challenges as I transition from working mom, to full-time caregiver.
My MIL is so sweet and pretty easy to care for. Basically feeding, cleaning, and turning and of course offering company an support. My challenges lie more in my father-in-law. He refuses to help us with working with a medicaid attorney so MIL can get better care and services in the home (we currently have no home care or aids). He also is constantly negative, and always finds a way to remind me that the house we built, was built with his money. This hurts, because while he may have funded some of the home, I upkeep it, and care for MIL full time without pay nor thanks most of the time. I am happy to do it, but it is frustrating none the less. Most recently, he is starting to offer other family members to come stay with us for upwards of two weeks while in town without asking. He feels as if this is his house so much to invite house guests when I already have my plate full with MIL and a 9 year old boy. He also only stays here at the house a couple nights a week, and owns a home about an hour away where he stays most of the time.
How do any of your deal with the negativity from other family members in your home, or the battle of how to establish ground rules etc.?
Sorry for the length! I must have needed to vent.
God bless you all for all that you do!
about 1 month ago
Hi everyone. First post here. I am 29 and, due to mental health issues, recently moved back home with my parents and 73-year-old grandmother. My grandmother has always suffered from several undiagnosed mental health issues including depression, schizophrenia, paranoia, and bi-polar disorder. She has never sought treatment for any of these, however her behavior has isolated her from essentially every single member of our family. She is a very difficult woman to be around and her depression has been worsening my own. She doesn't need much in terms of daily caregiving, although she has diabetes and does most of the cooking. I don't think she is paying attention to her diet, is a VERY picky eater, and won't engage in any kind of daily activities like walking or sometimes even showering. We all see a family therapist once every four-six weeks which has been slowly helping, but I believe she needs more frequent care in order to get her mindset on living a more healthy and active lifestyle. She does not have any hobbies or activities outside of the house and lives in daily fear and distrust of all strangers.
I have tried to speak with my parents about getting her more frequent care, but as they have had do deal with her erratic behavior their entire lives, they are unmotivated to seek more care for her or to even really take on any daily care giving routines themselves. I am kind of at an impasse now, as I am being affected by her depression and low moods - which is harboring my own recovery. Does anyone have any specific advice for how I can convince her or my parents that she needs to see a regular mental health specialist?
about 1 month ago
Hi. This is my first post. I've come to realize I need a support group for my sanity. I have been taking care of my ninety-one year old mother for four years now. My husband is a saint. I'm finding myself burnt out to the point where I have no joy in daily living. I am always on her for doing risky things that could make her fall. I know she's unhappy and I'm probably to blame. I don't get much help unless I bring her to my sisters for a couple of hours. Even writing this makes me feel guilty for complaining . God Bless the caregivers!
about 1 month ago
My wife is the primary care-giver for my Dad who has been diagnose with Alzheimer a few years ago. He recently moved in with us because he is legally blind and we became concerned with his safety. My wife's primary concern for my dad is his sleep pattern. He sleeps, at least, 10 hours a night. He, then, will sleep 3-4 hours during the day. Sometimes he will sleep more. Is this too much sleep? My wife thought we would put him on a schedule. This is not working out. Are we expecting too much?
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