My mom died in June 2012, and I am still grieving her passing. I have been told by many meaningful friends and family that we don't pick when, where or how we are going to die, but I feel like her demise was a nightmare that I couldn't wake from. The kind of nightmare where you're screaming for someone to hear you and no one takes notice. That's what happened to my beautiful mother. She was not a well woman, but she was strong as an ox; at 82, she was living with heart disease, congestive heart failure, beat cancer and had a 100% recovery from a stroke that was caused by her primary physician (he stopped her Coumadin to do gall bladder surgery and forgot to put her back on). I was her primary caregiver. I took care of her financial needs, her shopping, and physician appointments. She remained independent (at her stubborn insistence) until the end. She woke one day with a breathing difficulty; classic congestive heart failure. She called for an ambulance, as she always did when she knew something was really wrong. The ambulance took her to a different hospital than the one she normally visited for her ailments. Unfortunately, the hospital told me they had a "process" whereby they needed to run a full gamut of tests regardless of what her attending cardiologist told them. That meant taking her off her Coumadin. I told anybody and everybody I could that she couldn't be taken off Coumadin, because she would have a stroke and I was looked at like I was speaking a different language - I even had the nurses write my instructions in her chart. It had no effect; she stroked out and never recovered. I watched her die for two weeks. The physician who ordered her off the Coumadin never even came to see her, nor did they call me to let me know her status - I was with her all day, every day, by her bedside until she passed away. The anger is slowly dissipating, but every time I try to grieve my mother, I keep remembering the how....
Dear Joyla The psychodynamic theory of depression describes the occurance of significant loss that is associated with anger, which turn inward and leads to negative feeling about self including shame & guilt ,lead to depression Any ways you have to become aware of unconscious anger directed toward object loss and work through these feeling to alleviate depression by expressing ur feelings to a close friend & u have to avoid alcohol or drugs to "feel better" or numb dysphoric feeling. I hope u to develop a coping mechanism like problem solving rather than a defense one to overcome this difficult periode Finally it's not a medical diagnosis, i am just a nurse trying to help.
I appreciate your help. I am lucky enough to not turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the feelings. Even during the funeral I was her caregiver - I gave her eulogy and since she is my mother, I hid all anger from those who paid their respects, to do her justice. However, I agree with you that the emotions are turned inward and I have been removing myself from the simpler pleasures in life, possibly due to feelings of guilt and loss. The oddest feeling I have, though, is how my mother's spirit lives inside me - I feel like I aged 30 years overnight! My mother always lived for the moment and enjoyed life to the fullest, and included her children in all, but towards the end, she slowed down immensely and was having memory issues (dementia). I seem to have taken on that personality instead of her younger, more lively, spirit....I will take your advice and talk to my close friend and see how that works. I would talk to my sisters, but unfortunately, they've shut me out instead of helping me through this experience (I just thank God I was there and my mom was not alone).
This is horrible. You need to see a lawyer. Seeing someone having a stroke is a living nightmare but to have it happen due to negligence and not listening to you is an outrage. It will help if you take some legal action. Feeling or being powerless is not healthy. You were ignored and it caused grave consequences.
Your reaction to the stroke is normal. It is a horrific experience no matter the circumstances. Only time will help as your life passes on to another time. The fact that you cared for her so beautifully should give you peace and comfort and it will as time goes by. Stroke is a nightmare experience so be patient with your feelings, accept them and just keep going and things will gradually get better.
I have been through stroke experiences three times, with a child, a mother and a husband. It is devastating but we do deal with these things and are able to go on by some miracle of nature.
Apricot
Thank you, Apricot. I actually did consult an attorney, and they said the hospital protects themselves by having specific procedures and following those procedures, even if there are dire results. They said I didn't have a case and they recommended my seeing a therapist to "get over it." I know my mom would have wanted me to sue the pants off that hospital, especially since her eyes bulged wide when she saw me yelling at the doctor when she finally came to see her (after 9 days!). There was no excuse for their negligence and even the nurses commended me for the way I yelled at the doctor. The nurses and physical therapist were all outraged at what the doctor did to my mom! I wish there were a way to punish the doctor and ensure that she doesn't repeat this on anyone else's mother...I would have donated all the proceeds of the case to various charities for the aged. It breaks my heart thinking about how many elderly are mishandled by negligent doctors who think no one is watching...
Find another attorney. Keep going until you find one willing to take it on. It may be a lot of work to prove it due to her age and conditions but you just need the right attorney. Just because you are in your 80's does not mean you cannot survive things if you are treated correctly. The hospital's procedures need to be investigated. It seems as if the hospital is protected but not the patient. Again, you just need the right attorney. Some may just not want to take it on. I would keep going until I found one. Also, no reason to feel you have to donate any monies to charity. You need compensation for this, period. People should not feel guilty about this and feel it should all go to charity. You are not looking for justice and this represents that.
I hope you had a reply to the person who said to get a therapist to "get over it". Just so ignorant. No one ever "gets over these things" These comments from people who have no clue about the devastation of stroke or loss need to be enlightened. No excuse for such insensitivity.
Maybe you should call you local Dept. of aging, too. They are very helpful.
Good Luck
Apricot
Apricot - you are very kind and I really appreciate your feelings about this. Believe me, I won't express here how deeply passionate I am about the treatment of the elderly. I will try to contact my local department, and speak to another attorney (I know there must be a firm out there that wants justice served above the thought of winning or losing the case). Also, I have been wanting to volunteer my time to a local nursing home in the hopes that visiting might bring some joy, while selfishly fulfilling my need to nurture my mother vicariously through them.
