Dealing with your family can be challenging to say the least. Got a brother who won't help? An unsupportive spouse? A sister who tells you how to do your job? An aunt that just won't stop nagging you? Come to this online support group to vent and find creative solutions to your toughest family issues.
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Lori Matson said...
6 days ago
I'm new to this site but am very excited that I have found a place that I can go to for support. I am my mother's caregiver. She has dementia and epilepsy. It seems that her memory gets worse daily. My issue is my sister. I have two sisters, one in California and the other in Michigan. My sister in MI is supportive and comes here to Florida as often as she can to give my husband and I a break even though she has family of her own to tend to. My CA sister ACTS as though she is supportive but is actually very critical of me and my decisions as far as mom's care goes. She is single, travels the world, able to work (online) from anywhere, no children but still finds it difficult to fit mom into her schedule. She's now upset with me for having a reliable, responsible, family friend (whom she knows and loves) come stay with mom while we're gone for a few days. I'm just upset by her reaction because I feel that she is not much help with mom but is quick to criticize my decision. I'm angry because she has no clue what I deal with on a daily basis. Can anyone advise me on how to deal with a family member such as this?
An anonymous caregiver said...
2 months ago
I have a grandparent in a nursing home it is horrible. I would like to take her out and care for her in my home but another relative has POA can any one give me information on how to contest POA. I don't feel the facility is adequate and she deserves to be with family. we took very good care of her children and grandchildren and others that were unrelated ..please help please
3 months ago
I was a caregiver to my grandfather for 2 years while he battled liver cancer. My uncle, who lived with him and my grandmother, worked during the day but took over in the evening when he got off. My mother still worked for a while after he was diagnosed, but then retired a year before my grandfathers passing. Although she only lives 20 minutes away, she only came and gave me a break once a week. I had to ask her to please come twice a week. At that time I was only 34 years old with a 6 year old and a husband. On the weekends my uncle would take off to his cabin (about an hour and 10 mins away), and my mom stayed home. My husband and I, along with our daughter, always had to stick around the house incase one of my grandparents needed help with something. After my grandfather passed, my mom went back to barely coming up and I was left to stick around my house and go to my grandmothers a few times a day to do for her before I had to get my daughter from school. At the time she was simimobile. She was on a walker, but fell quite a bit. I couldn't make any plans to do anything for myself. About 8 months ago my grandmother ended up less mobile and stuck in a wheel chair. I told my mother that my time of caring for her all the time was up. I told her she needed to step in and take over that role since she is retired and has no one else to care for except herself. So now it was her coming Mon -Fri during the day, and my uncle still being around for the evening and night. They rotated who stayed on the weekends. I still help once or twice a week, and rotate taking my grandmother to the beauty shop on Fridays with my mom. My mother has only been doing this for 8 mths and she has already told me how depressed she is. She keeps fighting with my uncle and causing so many problems with the whole situation. She keeps coming up with medical issues she has, which we don't even know whether to believe or not, and I'm just so sad because I feel like if I was just doing it all again there would be no issues. She really wants my uncle to put her in a nursing home, but none of us feel that is necessary yet.... She just doesn't want to deal with taking care of her anymore. I don't know what to do. This whole things is tearing the only people caring for my grandmother apart. It's tearing me apart. I feel like any relationship I had with my mother is being destroyed because I can't help but resent her for possibly laying all of this back on to me.
3 months ago
I was the POA of my mother and my younger sister was added as a backup if I didnt feel I could handle the situation. Prior to becoming the POA, my sister and I hadnt spoken to each other for 16 yrs. She had refused to forgive me for some ugly words I stated to her 16 yrs ago. I had asked for forgiveness but none given. 4 yrs ago my mother assigned me as POA and a year later diagnosed with dementia. I would run into my sister often during the first few months of our mother's diagnosis and we began to lightly speak to each other. I asked if she would want to help with being the POA and she agreed. So for 4 yrs I made no decision on our mothers care without consulting her first, making her apart of all decisions. I signed all legal papers involved. We began getting along and I had thought she had forgiven me for my ugly words written 16 yrs ago. We would go to each other's homes and have picnics with our mother, attend church services and even hug each other upon each time we met. We cried together through the rough times of the dementia and i truly thought all was fine with us. My mother made her the beneficiary of her life insurance and i as POA kept it that way. Upon my mothers death the very day of it, my sister went back to her old ways. She wouldnt let me have any say in the funeral arrangements, i never even knew what color the casket was going to be until the day of the wake when i saw it. She reverted back to not speaking to me. I have tried calling and texting only for no response. My mother died 3 days before her birthday and she did not invite me to the celebration she planned and went on to celebrate her birthday without me. I have looked back on this and can now see that she pretended to be sister like to me during the 4 yrs so that she can have some say in our mothers life, as even as a child she had to always have to have a final say in everything and i had given that to her by asking if she wanted to help me with mom. Now that our mother is gone, she no longer wants any part of me again. She in fact hasnt forgiven me like i thought she had. I am angry at myself for even asking if she wanted to help and then not making any decision without her approval. Im angry that i fell for her game. I cant believe that she went 4 yrs acting as if we were sisters once again only so she can have control of decisions in our mothers last yrs of life. Im hurt because i feel she was deceitful. Im hurt because now im not only grieving my mothers loss but hers again as well. I cant believe someone can do this to another person, how do you display caring for 4 yrs then shut if off on the same day our mother dies? How could we go thru 4 yrs making decision for our mother and then you dont let me help with the funeral? How can being in control be so important to you that at any cost you will act like you care about me and our relationship to only have a say in decisions? How could i be so stupid to not see what you were doing all along? How stupid of me to think that you cared? How stupid of me to think that you forgave me for the ugly words I wrote to you 16 yrs ago? How stupid of me to think that we together will help each other thru this grieving process? How stupid of me to trust you? I should of known better because she has never forgiven another of our sisters that said things to her over 35 yrs ago and that sister has tried and tried to apologize and was never forgiven to this day. Why did i even think she had forgiven me, how come i didnt see how fake she was those 4yrs? All through child hood we walked on egg shells around this one sister because if she wasnt happy then no one was gonna be happy. So we always sacrificed our well being to please her. I guess that is why she still does this to this day, because we always tried to make sure she was happy or not angry with us because she would hold a grudge even as a small child. We were wrong to create such a monster. The sad thing of it all is that our mother went to her grave thinking that we had made amends with each other when in fact it was noting but an act on my sisters part. I will come to accept that the 4yrs was all a show for her to get what she wanted and she got it. I will come to accept that our relationship will never be ever again and i can now only hope that one day i will forgive myself for giving her apart in our care for our mother knowing now she did it for all the wrong reasons. I know that i will never see or speak with her again because that is how she wants it to be and i will love her from a distance. I will heal from her deceit these past 4yrs. In time i will come to forgive her for her deceit, i know that i will. But now i see her clearly and feel sorry that she must be so lonely inside even tho she has a husband (that she also controls) but she must be lacking something deeply to use people for her own gains at what ever cost. She goes to church faithfully and baffles me how she can use people the way she does. A part of me even wants to get even with. Her for what she has done, but then i wouldnt be any better then her. A part of me wants to tell her that i know now how she used me and how she pretended that all was right with us, just to let her know that i will never allow her to ever do such to me again. But, it wouldnt mean anything to her but i still want to tell her how i feel. But she doesnt care about how i feel so it will all be useless so i will find a way to deal with it all instead.
8 months ago
I'm sick and tired! I think I've finally reached my breaking point with my sister! My Dad's sick, and she's left it up to me to take care of him. I'm vision impaired, so I can't drive. I work full time, juggle a husband and 3 stepkids, take care of him. While she lives the life of Riley! She has her lill boyfriend and lill baby, she can't even help me. Me, the one who had 2 heart attacks, had 3 suicide attempts, and recovering from alcohol addiction. This crap she's doing, isn't helping me any, to control my urges to drink. I had to talk my psychiatrist outa putting me back into the hospital for a 72 hour psychiatric hold.
She told my Dad she couldn't put out his trash because, "I got bit up a lot last week." So, she'll leave it up to my husband, who's had a stroke, 3 heart attacks, to do all the work. My stepkids come over during the day to hang out with my Dad, but they're kids! One stepson who's in college, he's an intern at the office where I work. The other 2 are 16 and 14, and they have friends and lives.
I've snapped! I refuse to deal with that "Useless hunk o'junk", as my husband calls her. I'm tired! All through my entire life, she's never had to take any responsibilities for a flipping thing! Why? Cause Mommy babied her when Mommy was alive. For years, she blamed me for Mom's death of a stroke in 2012, because I respected her wishes to not go to the hospital. My Dad was her spouse, if anyone she needed to blame it was him! She treated my Mom the same way. Mom was alright when Mom gave out money, did for her, bailed her outa constant jams, but when Mom needed her most? Poof! She be gone! But when Mom was in the hospital dying? There she was! Then she got angry when my Dad got Mom's life insurance. What a load of crap!
I'm going into court, and divorcing her as my sister. This just hit me the wrong way! I sobbed to my husband, that I was scared to death that this would make him give up and bail! He's always so encouraging and loving. "Told you. Look at what we're dealing with here! We are dealing with a useless piece of doggy doo! So? What we're gonna do? Is hit her in the pocketbook! Hit her where it counts!" Dad has since called an attorney, to handle his will and affairs. He's left her nothing. She flat out told me the other day, "You take care of him!"
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