Dealing with your family can be challenging to say the least. Got a brother who won't help? An unsupportive spouse? A sister who tells you how to do your job? An aunt that just won't stop nagging you? Come to this online support group to vent and find creative solutions to your toughest family issues.
Help spread the support to more people in need -- Please tell a friend or two. Thanks!
What's New Today
7 days ago
weeks ago, my Dad fell and cut his leg. I cleaned it and put peroxide on it, and bandaged it. He later put some antibiotic ointment on it. I was concerned that I couldn't slide the pieces of skin back together, and it was still bleeding more than 24 hour later, so I took him to the ER. They said that due to his very thin skin and age, they couldn't stitch it up, but that it was healing just fine and gave me more bandages and salve. They also told me not to use peroxide. A week later, we saw a podiatrist about his foot pain, and they rebandaged it. We were there for almost 4 hours and I took copious notes about everything they said. It's not hard for me since I went to vet school for 2 years (but decided not to finish) and many things are the same btwn medical and veterinary care.
So, today, my only niece showed up at their house while I was there doing their laundry. I was surprised to see her because she claims to work every day except Tuesday,and this is Thursday.
So, after a half hour, they were running out of stuff to talk about, so my dad mentioned his leg and she asked to see it. She immediately said his bandage was too tight. I can understand why she thought that, since his legs tend towards swelling, but the bandage was actually very loose. Instead of asking questions, she insisted he take off the bandage, I was in the laundry room listening to this, and realized my poor Dad is too slow to process the information, so he did as he was told.
She is 29, and is a single mom who cuts hair for a living, so I has no medical expertise, but I didn't want to interrupt because I assumed she would be fragile about it. So, I went in the room to fix his lunch, and tried to gently mention that I think his leg is healing quite well, and tried to laugh it off by saying "you should have seen it two weeks ago".
She disagreed and started getting dramatic and insisted again that I go "get some stuff" for her to treat his leg. I told her that I had faith in the doctors and nurses who have treated his leg thus far, as well as faith in what I've done for his leg myself, and said that I"m not obligated to help her undo what's been done for him.
She kept insisting that I was wrong, so I suggested that she call the clinic and talk to them. She agreed to do that, not realizing they're not going to give information about patients. Then she demanded that I give her the number. I didn't have it in my phone, so told her the name. She said "you're trying to make this difficult". I told her that she can look up a phone number as easily as I can, so she exclaimed very loudly in front of my dad "he's your FATHER!! Why don't you care about him?"
It was an absurd escalation into drama that was upsetting to my dad, so he started to leave the room. I decided to leave the house entirely and go run errands. It's clear to me that this young woman is trying to prove to them that she is the one- and only one- who cares about them. I'm the one who does all their laundry and housework, changes the air filter and light bulbs, takes them to the doctor, fixes their meals, etc.etc...whereas she comes over once a week to take them to church in the car my dad bought for her, then they all go to dinner and he pays for it. She also comes by twice a month to cut his hair. I had never met her until she moved down here a year ago from Ohio. I had no idea that anyone would interfere with me taking care of my parents. I'd be very happy to have her do laundry or household chores or anything else around the house, but she has never offered. She seems to only want to undo things I've done, or to question whether everyone else in their life is doing it right.
I asked my brother how to deal with her, but he just said he'd talk to her. I figure that means he'll never get back to me about it. I'd like to find a way to let her feel useful and important because I think that's what she seeks, but I"m not willing to do it at my parents' expense, just so she can be feel important.
Suggestions in how to deal with her are much appreciated.
about 1 month ago
Today i again find myself thinking and wondering why my siblings/wives all colluded against me in keeping any and all infromation concerning mom's health, including threatening to keep me away. Accusing me of many untrue actions, this mostly by the POA brother's vengeful wife. She and i nor she and mom were ever really on good terms. She wore and prob still does wear the pants in their family and my brother believed any and everything out of her mouth without even getting my version of her 'truth' , especially after his near death after a surgery that left him with memory issues. And he was appointed POA. Big power now in his hands and the two of them took out thier hatered of me (and my family) and the fact that i wasnt living there to help. The poison spread amongst the siblings. Sister didnt live close either but she already hated me for the fact that mom and dad helped me more and according to her,they told her whenever she asked for some money, that 'they already helped me and didnt have anything to give her. And for that and a lot of untrue issues. I was in an abusive marriage as was she, had a baby at 19, so my life was nothing to be jealous of. We cannot talk, none of us as they have this minds made up about me. I never asked our parents for money after i got married and stood on my own two feet. But in thier eyes, i abandoned the family when i moved.in 1976 no less. Sister ran off after high school graduation but returned after 20 years now treats me like crap like she always has.
about 1 month ago
my mother and father has been married for 23 years, but i think things didn't go well between them. when I was in the 6th grade of elementary school, my mom said she regretted to take my dad as her husband and want to got divorce. she said it in front of me and my little brother, which two years younger than me. I feel sorry for my dad because my mom never said it straight to him, and I can't tell him too of course. I think my mom might be lucky because even her attitude is far from good wife, my father always loved her. for your information, my mom is a very authoritarian woman, she arranged everything. household finance, where my brother and I go to study, everything. when I said everything, it really meant everything. i feel like I don't have my privacy until now, 19 years old. she's demanding more than I can take, and it made me and her often fight a lot. there's just a few good things in her, so I always thank God because God gives my mom a man like my father. until i found a reality when I was in my first year in Senior High School, my dad has another mistress, and it's my neighbor, a woman with one child. Before, I feel like I hate my mom but that's okay because I still have my father who always understand me, or try to listen my problems. But when I figured his mistress out, I feel like I hate him too. And it's frustrating me, to live in a house with my parents. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I feel the urge to scream every time I'm with them. I can't be my self in front of them. and what makes me hurt, after all these years I tried my best to make them proud of me, I never be good enough for them. my brother is always the best child for them. it hurts me when my mom said I'm a disappointment. It really hurts me a lot. The resentment I feel towards them is real, and I don't know how to handle it. I can't tell anybody or some of my friends, because I'm ashamed of it. But I need someone to hear or give me advice before I go crazy
about 1 month ago
Well, the other day i got a 'bill' from my POA brother of mom's. She passed away in late Aug 2015 and Social Security had sent mom her Sept check. Now alomst two years later, it's all come up the it needed to be paid back. He and the other two siblings all decided that it split up 4 ways to pay back. My rub is that i was not made aware of this by any means, no heads up at all, that i was expecting to make this payment to him. Not even a simple text or email . About par for the course though.. I had never been in the loop on mom;s condition or medications, and was even put on a 'call him if' when I wanted to take mom out on a day trip. It was reatiliation for my daughter taking mom to see her house that she hadn't seen in a while. Mom and she were very close and Melanie would do anything for her Nannie! Then after that, one or both of my brothers would get a call when i walked in the front door of the nursing home to see mom. In minutes, I'd get a text . They did thier best to keep me out of town, but mom and i had great visits and they had no reason to block me from seeing her. Because i had moved to Central Texas from East Texas to raise a family, brothers both considered that 'abandonment' of the family! The move was not becasue of them. They stayed mad at me and when I'd come to visit, i was not welcome. Mean spirited, back-biters!! Can't trust any of my siblings or their spouses. This is the second request for money back from him. I will call Social Secirity to verify. I would like to enclose a note expressing some of my hurts over the years from all of them, in with the payment to him, but to put it bluntly 'they are a bunch of mean rednec** ' At this point i could care less what any of them think about me. As me the therapist said, they are all toxic and i can love them from a distance, but getting around them in any form, this has opened up old wounds, is not good for my health. I need advice on how to word such a note though.
about 1 month ago
Needing some advice on "how important open communication is between siblings about their mothers care", who has Lewy Body Dementia and resides in a Memory Care Facility and lives nearest the oldest sister(P.O.A.), im the youngest of us, and ive gone to visit my mom as much as i can. My other sister lives the furthest and shes only been able to visit twice now and does'nt believe she will be going back anymore, as my moms disease has progressed a bunch.She barely talks anymore and when she does, cant understand. She cries alot and seems to be very depressed and wants to go home. My oldest sister, nearest her, calls us each about once a month to talk on the phone to my mom, hardly a conversation, other than being able to tell her we love her and such, aside from that, the eldest sister seems to only tell either one of us very little of whats going on and is very vague. about anything, filling us in at the very least. Now, theres been words between my two sisters about things concerning my moms care where shes at, and apparently im the one who instigated it all, by way of talking to one sister about things i saw when i returned from a recent visit with my mom. So, everything is all a mess, and times going by,....and im more worried about my mom now, which i am powerless over, ...and all the while feeling anything but comfortable about the strife between me, and my other sisters. I dont know what i should say, if at all, to either sister?? what a mess
2 months ago
How does one handle having a mentally ill parent, in this case mother, and still manage to live with the psychological and emotional wounds they inflict? My mother is very mentally ill but refuses treatment and does not seem to understand the depth of the crazy. I am the oldest of two and my entire life I was the favorite punching bag. with every bad episode I was always sought out to be punished for whatever imaginary scenario happened to be playing in her head at the time. I am now 29 with two beautiful children of my own but my toxic relationship with her is always in the back of my head and shapes how i view my self and my outside relationships and i am daily terrified that I will one day turn out like her and screw up my babies that I love more than life. For mothers day she informed me on one of her manic tirades that she has always hated me and that she was disowning me and my children and my father had been instructed to do the same and that it was all my fault and demanded I go and tell my 4 and 3 year old they will never be loved because their mother is a horrible person. All I said before this rant was happy mother's day and I have you a present if I can come by. This is just an idea of what day to day life is like living with someone that has an illness like this. How do I ever learn to heal after a life time of pain, frustration, and anger? Why do I always feel like I am guilty of something?
An anonymous caregiver said...
2 months ago
I'm hoping someone can help me to be able to help my mother. You see in the passed 4 years our family has had a lot of losses. My younger sister passed away a few years ago. Then six months later my mother nephew passed away, then unexpectedly my mother's husband goes into the hospital and never came home. He passed away while at the hospital. She became very depressed. But about 9 months after he passes my other younger sister passes away unexpectedly. Her grieve became worse. We moved her in with us for about 5 months. Watching her grieve everyday was almost to much for me. I did take her for help several times and we did move her back to her home. Only to find that she was robbed of all her valuables. That sent her over the edge. She ended up in the hospital several times. She financially is barely able to make it each month because she is on a fix income. She wasn't able to take care of her home and I live over an hour away, worked full time with 5 children. I finally moved her closer to me and in an apartment that goes by her income. The problem I'm having now is she has become very selfish. It's got to be her way or no way. If my youngest child wants to talk to me and my mom is on the phone with me or is with me. She becomes angry and will say "mama, mama, mama, that's all she wants" that really bothers me. I have explained to her that my child has just gotten home from school she wants to tell me about her day and I want to hear it. She will become very angry. My daughter see this and it hurts her. When I tell my mom she gets mad and will say. Well I want what I want and she can have your attention later. That's just one example. When I go over to see her and get ready to leave. She will want me to stay longer. I explain I need to fix supper and help the kids with their homework. She gets angry and doesn't feel she needs to share me. Also all 5 of our children are in sports she rarely goes any sees any of their events. If she does and anyone there talks to me after the event is over she explodes and does this loudly. There are so many other problems right now and it's ruining my relationship with her. She constantly will say "you don't love me" . I will reply back " yes I do if I didn't I wouldn't be here, I would help with your bills, your groceries, do your hair, take you places, come when you call me, etc" When I do explain these situations that bother me she becomes very angry. Last week I was trying to explain it to her and how it makes me feel and she hung up on me. She hasn't called me since. I tried calling her several times and she will hang up on me. This has happened before and she usually ends up in the hospital because she does that to get my sympathy and my attention. I have told her she's being very selfish and should understand being a mother. Her reply " well I want, what I want!" I've taken her to therapy, grieving groups etc. It's hard to find help when the only places that take Medicaid are far away. I desperately need advice because it's destroying our relationship, my positive attitude, it affects my life, my husbands and our children's. Can someone give me advice that can help me help her. She needs to learn how to also live on her own. Because she also depends on me for the simplest things. Sincerely, Frustrated depressed daughter!
3 months ago
My sister went and purchased a headstone for our mothers gravesite (our mother passed soon to be 6 months ago). She never consulted any of the siblings as to what type or what to have engraved on it or what photo to have embedded into it. Actually she never even told any of us that she even did this, we did not know until it was placed on the grave. Several of us helped in paying to keep our mothers life insurance current so that she wouldnt lose the coverage. We would thought that all of us would come together and decide on the headstone. We are angry and hurt by her self centerness in making all the decisions about this and not consulting us to be apart of this. How do you do such a thing? How can she be so self centered about something such as this?
Hopeful Daughter 251 said...
3 months ago
My mother is 73 yrs old. Back in 15 years ago or so she helped my brother by deeding him an acre of land to use as collateral to purchase some land. They agreed that when he paid the land off he was to deed the land back to her, in which he did exactly as they agreed he would do. Well 15 years later he divorced remarried and again needed mom's help as he had in the past. He needed to use the acre of land again to purchase a home for him and his new wife so that his kids would have a place to live as well and since mom had done it in the past and ge did right by her and their verbal agreement she did it again and deeded him the same acre under the agreement that when he paid his home off he would then again deed it back to her. Well he has paid his home off actually 2 years ago but has not deeded the land back go mom and now has a judgement against the land and says he can't because he has a judgement against it and not able to pay it off. My momvis crushed and don't know what to do. All of her children know this was the agreement and he did right last time and we are all lost on what to do. Does anyone know if there is anything we can do to help her get her land back?
Lori Matson said...
4 months ago
I'm new to this site but am very excited that I have found a place that I can go to for support. I am my mother's caregiver. She has dementia and epilepsy. It seems that her memory gets worse daily. My issue is my sister. I have two sisters, one in California and the other in Michigan. My sister in MI is supportive and comes here to Florida as often as she can to give my husband and I a break even though she has family of her own to tend to. My CA sister ACTS as though she is supportive but is actually very critical of me and my decisions as far as mom's care goes. She is single, travels the world, able to work (online) from anywhere, no children but still finds it difficult to fit mom into her schedule. She's now upset with me for having a reliable, responsible, family friend (whom she knows and loves) come stay with mom while we're gone for a few days. I'm just upset by her reaction because I feel that she is not much help with mom but is quick to criticize my decision. I'm angry because she has no clue what I deal with on a daily basis. Can anyone advise me on how to deal with a family member such as this?
Load More Conversations