Caring for a Spouse with Mental Illness
Mental Illness is different than cancer, Alzheimer's, diabetes, or other conditions that society accepts as organic and 'real'. Have you chosen to stay with your spouse or care for someone who suffers from a mental illness? This groups is here to support you.
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Well he just did it again. We were getting close when he says he tried but he just can't get into it. Those are devastating words for your self esteem. Backtracking with it's him not me didn't help either. He says he's stressed out, but when I ask about what he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet another night of tears. So frustrating that he can't express his emotional side. He seems to think having any emotions is a sign of imateriety since his counselor told him emotions come from the inmature part of the brain. Emotions are what makes us human. Nights are hard.
First time posting... My husband and I have been together for 7years and married for 2years. We started off young, becoming parents to our little girl when we were just 19years young. At that point we knew that we had responsibilities and was always a mature responsible person who worked hard for our family. Now we have 2 kids and 1 on the way (yes I am 6months pregnant). Well.... in the beginning of July I found out he was having an affair with a co worker and he developed this major crush on her and also developed this little “fantasy” of feelings for her in his head. She is also married and has 3 kids of her own. Now he is depressed and says he has no feelings for me or anybody. He says he only has feelings for our kids that’s it. How can I help him? I truly do love my husband. What can I do to help him overcome this nightmare we are going through. His doctor said that he is going through depression. Has any other wives gone through something like this? What did you do and how is your marriage now?
An anonymous caregiver said...
This is my first post and I’m a little nervous about it, but I could use the support. My husband of almost 6 years (been together over 10years) was recently dx with depression. I’m sure he has PTSD from being in the Navy and he might be bipolar, as it runs in his family. He has been a completely different person for the past 8 months or so and it got so bad that we were fighting all the time. That was so uncharacteristic for us! We were the couple who everyone used to look at and say “I want that kind of love!” Therefore, I was shook that I was seeing this side of him that I had never seen before. We had been trying for 3 yrs to have a baby, and one day he told me he no longer wanted kids. Not that he didn’t want to try anymore because we had been unsuccessful, not that he would be open to adopt... but that he never wants to be a dad. This obviously CRUSHED me! But no matter what I said, he wasn’t changing his mind. I thought we might get divorced because of this, but I had faith that once he got help he would tell me he was ready to start trying again. Recently he got so depressed that he was thinks by about suicide. It was then that he had hit his rock bottom and finally started to seek help. He checked into the hospital where he got dx with depression. They started him on some medicine and it seems to be helping. Soon he will start out patient therapy, and I’m praying that it is just what he needs. I’m still hoping he will change his mind about the baby situation, but only time will tell. I just feel so alone in all of this. I also feel like he is taken by me for granted and that he doesn’t appreciate me ALWAYS being there for him. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about my “issues” because of everything he is going though. but this is hard on me too!!! Very hard on me! And I don’t think he sees that, or if he does, he doesn’t seem to care. Can anyone else relate? Or have any advice for me?
An anonymous caregiver said...
My husband is bipolar. He was diagnosed in 2010 and drawing disability for it since 2013. He had to stop working in 2011/2012 - he tried selling regularly at a flea market at the end and couldn't even handle that much interaction. Since being on medication, he's been a lot better. Different, but better than not medicated. We changed his insurance to an HMO in May to get better drug coverage, but didn't realize he would have to change psychiatrists. His old one wasn't really doing much good, but at least he knew her. I guess having to go through his history again with a new doctor is seeming rather daunting. He's been out of medication now for over a month while we've waited for this new appointment. It's been pushed back now twice in one week. He's supposed to go in today at 11:10 but is threatening to not go at all. He doesn't feel this doctor is going to be competent because his office staff hasn't been. I have to get him to go or he'll lose his disability and his insurance. Does anyone else have a BPD spouse and have you had to deal with this? How did you handle it?
PTSD wife said...
First eating I've ever posted on a support group. Lately I feel like I need that extra bit of help
My husband has PTSD from when he was in the Army 9 years ago. His 6 months in Afghanistan has completed ruined his life. He has gone through many different stage of his mental health journey, drink, drugs and gambling. We have 2 beautiful girls ages 4 and 6.
My husband is currently working abroad in Germany at the moment to try and help us financially but he still isn't getting any better. I'm not sure whether he is even taken his meds. He had another gambling episode the other week - £300! We don't have that sort of money to throw away. He added the charges into my phone bill. It breaks my heart but I need the support from him I'm trying to hold this family together but I just can't do it anymore.
Does anyone here have a spouse or significant other that struggles with DID? I'm coming to the end of my rope and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Last night I found tinder and another dating site on his phone... one of his alters had downloaded them and made profiles... looking for friends and hookups. I can't stand the thought of my husband being with other people even though I know it's not actually him. As far as I know there has never been a physical affair but this is the third time that I've found things like this on his phone. I can't talk to my family or anyone about this because they don't understand... they just say that he's lying and I should leave him. I love him so much. I've thought about confronting the alter directly but I just don't know. On top of all this I was recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. Really struggling right now.
I've been married for 18 years. My husband has depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and delusions. The delusions just started about 5 years ago. We have a set of 10 year old twins. I just cry all the time right now at night. I don't feel like a wife just a roommate and caregiver. He just told me tonight that he isn't attracted to me. Just really sad right now. None of our family really know what is going on. I lie to all of them which is so hard. I just feel so alone.
Hi Ho Silver said...
No, this is very very difficult. I get the point that you are numb and hatred grows but your still in love with the illusion of love this person stalked you as a supplier. Someone to want them so badly to love you it grows into their game of playing with you head.
As they Love Bomb you, get their way, then treat you the next moment like you still must be guilty as charged. And you get their silent treatment. Then You must apologize for your behavior towards them because they feel mistreated and grandiose.
What freaks them is for you to go do something like gardening. They can not stand not being the absolute center of attention. Depending on the person. I did not leave. But did set boundaries but they do not care. My husband would stalk me. We broke up once and he stalked and left not about his opinion of any friend or date. We got back together with the Love Bomb activated. Two weeks after marriage he wanted an open marriage. That fight was two years long.
It never gets easier but I think we start to become numb to how our spouse treat us. I was handling it all fine and now all the sudden I’m full of anger. I fight back every time my husband says something mean to me or if I’m tired of being lonely. I clean the house, he destroys it but won’t get off his butt to clean it again and I yell. I tell my step daughter to do a load of dishes he goes and buys her Oreos because she completed a simple chore but I bring home fast food because after all day at work I don’t have the energy to cook that night and he tells me I’m a failure. So I bitch. Instead of crying all the time now I’m just angry!!!! You know I had cancer and he didn’t take care of me once. I went three days with nothing to eat because I was in too much pain to get out of bed yet if I don’t jump up and make him breakfast the second he’s awake I’m an evil horrible ugly bitch. These are the things people sugar coat. This is hell of our lives and we stay because we all hope that person we loved is still in them. We stay because we are afraid they will find someone knew and magically their relationship will work and somehow we were the problem all along. I’m not sure what to do about this!
I am in tears reading some of these. My wife was diagnosed a few weeks back with depression and anxiety. She has started meds and counseling, and thank God so far she's sticking with it. But I have been needing to find someone new to talk to. I used to talk to her. I miss her so much. I can hardly type through my tears right now and she's upstairs and I hope she stays there so I can have some time to myself.
I'm numb. Still able to be strong but too emotional not to feel like checking out or breaking down sometimes. I guess I'm grateful she's not worse. She started getting bad 5-8 years back. It took that long for her to get bad enough she could see for herself and agree to do something about it. I almost wish she'd gotten worse sooner, but I know I don't. Just so many years without a diagnosis made it so much harder to believe it wasn't me just pissing her off all the time. She gets so nasty with herself and then takes it out on me. I should take it as a compliment because she trusts me enough to be open with rather than just the facade she puts on for everyone else. Small consolation.
I'm in mourning for her. There is no intimacy anymore. I MISS MY WIFE! Damnit! A couple weeks ago I broke down talking to some random counselor on my EAP line about how so very sad I was and couldn't stop crying. I've been trying to figure out what happened to me that day and the more I read about others' experiences, the more I understand I'm mourning my future of being distant from her and I can't stand that. It's not fair!
I love her so so much. I need her. I want her happy and healthy. But I don't even know what that could be again now.
And now I have to clean my tears off before I go back up and get in bed with her. I love her so much I'm so sad.
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