about 8 years ago
It's been a few months and I feel like I'm going through every stage of grieve at any given moment.
He was actually diagnosed before we started dating. We had met online and hit it off so well that we ended up falling in love. I was kind of in denial about the whole situation - he didn't look or act sick, and he had a "I'm going to beat this" attitude that really attracted me to him. I moved out of state to be with him and we moved in together. It wasn't until the second year that we were together that he started declining and I became his primary caregiver (his family lived 500 miles away). At 28 I feel that life has been unkind. He was too young to die. And although I've gotten to the point where I can experience joy and have recently started dating again there are moments where I feel extreme guilt for trying to move on and be happy. We wanted to get married and have kids (assuming he would be cured). He was my first *real* relationship and we were so perfect together. At the same time it was extremely stressful. I had panic/anxiety attacks often and they would sometimes last for hours. I sought therapy and sometimes contemplated whether I had made the right decision getting with someone who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. There is extreme guilt for taking my anger out on him (I hadn't really made any friends so he was all I had). But I loved him and there was no turning back, no walking away, no letting him die alone. I was there with him in the hospital when he passed. I had a feeling the night before and said my goodbyes. Although unconcious, he must have heard me because his heart rate went up and he made the first noise I had heard him make in three days. 9 hours later he passed. Two days later I helped bury him - literally. Me and about 10 other people helped dump sand over his gravesite - which I still have yet to really see because it was a temporary stone and I have since moved back home to be near family and friends
I know it's not supposed to be easy, and I will probably have these feelings for awhile. But at the same time I know that I can get through this because I have already gotten this far. I now comprehend what my therapist meant when she told me that this experience would make me a stronger person (although there are moments where I feel far from it)
I'm not really sure why I'm here or what I expect from this site. I just like to talk about it. Maybe there's someone here who can relate and we can help support each other through the process