Will this feeling of despair ever ever allow me to live ?

2 answers | Last updated: Sep 14, 2016
Rabdul asked...

I don't know how to do this. I was way too close to my dad and now I am wondering if that has hurt me rather than help me. I feel like I am dying each day. I am 38 years old and my daddy was 66. He has had CHF for 10 years. He has five daughters and a very devoted and loving wife. My father has fought to live since his diagnosis. Me and my family took such good care of him that he was ahead of the disease and the doctors were constantly baffled. I have been engaged to marry the love of my life for over a year now but I could not seem to plan the wedding as my dad had a tough year with his illness. on 7/11/2012 he was admitted to the hospital and never got out. He eventually contracted an infection through his pic line and never fully recovered. Ultimately he got another infection which led to his kidneys being infected. He died of septic poisoning on 9/15/2012. My dads wish was to see me marry so I did on 9/13/12 in the ICU. Him and my family around, I exchanged vows with my fiancé. At this point they said my dad should be good to go and home but I got married that day due to my dads persistence because he knew better. He died two days later. Fast forward to today, 10/1/2012- I am in shock still and very very depressed. I feel as if I need to follow him as I have done since I was 2. I am having obsessive thoughts related to his hospital stay and I have a picture of his face lodged in my brain 24/7 therefore I cant seem to concentrate on anyone or anything else. How can this be normal? I am terrified that this will trigger a depression in me that I will never be able to come out of. I have a huge supportive family but I do not seem to SEE anybody. I want my daddy and only my dad! I hear stories all the time of how people got over losing loved ones or just "learned" how to move on. He was the most amazing presence in my life and I have made EVERY decision in my life to please or displease HIM! Can he still hear me? Memory eternal I understand, but I feel like somebody ripped me physically.
My father lost 3 other siblings to CHF and 2 others have it now. There should be more research on this disease and the genetics behind it. I am 38 years old and have been told that the chances that I carry this gene is high.
I pray for strength and I pray for all you on this forum Rania



Community Answers

Caringdenise answered...

Hello Rania, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed and grieving the loss of your dad. Depression is a serious health problem that requires attention and care from a doctor or licensed medical professional offline. Please contact your doctor as soon as possible for evaluation, diagnosis and treatment.

Here is information on Caring.com that may also be helpful to you (in addition to seeking help offline from a doctor)...

However, the material on Caring.com is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or diagnosis or treatment. Please do see your doctor about the symptoms you've described. Thank you!


Rabdul answered...

Thank you DGraab. I think I am going to reach out to somebody for help. It is now 10/31/12 and I am doing better in some ways but worse in other ways. The only way I can cope some days is to Completely remove the thought of him being gone from my head...but then when I register the loss, I completely lose it. I see his face in my head all day and I long to be next to him. I need help coping with this. I am searching local places that have support groups for grief. It is hard for me to reach out for that kind of help but I know I need to. I am starting to feel real guilty for continuing to live my life. He suffered so much and I loved him so I would have done anything to take away his pain. It has been about 45 days and I feel worse at times.


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