What do I do when both my husband and parents need me?
My husband of 36 years has pick's dementia, we started dating at 16 and he is what most women would dream to have in a husband & father, a good, gentle & kind man & my Mom is in the final stages of alzheimer's and lives at home with my 84 year old Dad. We have alwasy been close with both of my parents and my husband is very fond of my Dad. My Mom is very demanding and hateful with my Dad now(she would have never been this way before) and he leans on me alot, I am the closest sibling out of 6 so I do get the lions share of the care, i usually dont mind but lately my husband whose dementia is starting to come closer to the surface doesn't want to be around my Mom because he knows this is basically his future so he is trying to avoid being around her. He keeps telling me " I am sorry now before I get to be like her" it would help if he was being a jerk about it but he is truly sad when he says this. I tried to talk to my Dad(who is in denial about depression) and he said "Don't worry about us, i will take care of things" Just add another layer of guilt. I feel like the scarecrow on the post in Oz. I just dont which way is right. I want to be with my husband before this disease really takes hold but I feel a great obligation to my parents.
Thanks for letting me vent Sharon
Expert Answer
Dear Sharon,
You are in a challenging role and obviously care deeply for your mother and husband. Blessings on you for your loving commitment.
First, be released of the guilt for doing what is "right." Each day that you lovingly care for your mom and your husband in the face of difficult choices, you are doing what is right.
I would suggest that you first consult with your local Area Agency on Aging to see what support services are available to assist you in your care of both your mother and your husband. Assistance through Meals on Wheels, in-home aides, transportation, and other vital services could provide you with flexibility. You cannot not do this alone.
Secondly, I would suggest that you look into adult day services. I recently wrote a blog on "How Adult Day Service Can Help Loved Ones with Dementia." To find it on my website, check out my bio on the Caring.com site. Adult day services can provide much-needed routine and cognitive stimulation for your mother, while providing respite for your father and for you. In some communities, the services are provided through tax dollars, and transportation is also provided for your loved one.
Lastly, I would suggest that you talk to your family members about the need to create a family care plan for your mother. Family members can participate in different ways: some financially or by providing scheduled respite care. You may want to consider pitching in for an in-home care provider to help assist your father, as well.
Any caregiving plan needs to be flexible. Your loved one's needs change. Your needs change. There is no "right" way to do the job when we are motivated by love.