Can we stop my mother from putting dad into a nursing home?

6 answers | Last updated: Oct 08, 2016
Manually asked...

My dad is a Veteran so he would be able to go to a nursing home for free. But his wish is to die at home, with family around. He is able to afford 24 hour care at home. However, my mom doesn't want someone in the house 24 hours a day. She said why not save money and send him to nursing home? The last month my dad has not gotten out of bed and my mom is making plans to put in him a nursing home soon. I want to honor my dad's request to die at home. Can I prevent my mom from putting him into a nursing home? What are my options? ?

Expert Answers

Kay Paggi, GCM, LPC, CGC, MA, is in private practice as a geriatric care manager and is on the advisory board for the Emeritus Program at Richland College. She has worked with seniors for nearly 20 years as a licensed professional counselor, certified gerontological counselor, and certified geriatric care manager.

It is difficult when your 2 parents, both aging, do not agree on how and where to age. The best solution is to look a solution that has something that pleases everyone, including you.

First, please check with your local nursing homes. I've not heard of vets getting free care. There is a veterans home near me in TX, and the fees are reduced, but there is a long waiting period and they are not free, just less expensive. Other nursing home do not have special pricing for vets that I am aware of.

There is a program called Aid and Attendance' that provides some financial assistance,

Around the clock in-home care will cost a minimum of $300 per day. If your father can afford that, then he can afford care in a nursing home of his choosing, near his home if that is the best choice. Having him in a care facility gives your mother her desire not to have her privacy violated and also probably offers as good care as he would receive in-home. Your family and mother and friends can visit and provide him quality time, which trained professionals tend to his physical needs.

Another option is for your mother to temporarily move to a senior apartment, while your father has in-home care. She can move back home after his death. This solution also meets her desire not to have strangers in her home.

Community Answers

Booda answered...

Hospice in the home is free and they are wonderfull my mom just passed at home.

Litha answered...

It seems to me that your father being the one that's dying should be able to stay at home with 24 hour a day care or near to being 24hr a day care. Maybe some family members can take your Mom on some outings and out to eat, etc. And when the care givers if it can be arranged that they are not there for a few hours a day are not there, some family members can be around? Maybe you and some family members can talk to her about things that she wants or does not like are not what's really important when someone's dying?.. It's tough all the way around, but if someone's wish is to die at home, they certainly should be able to..caregivers seeming to take away privacy or not. Seems a bit selfish to me.

Eshaloninc answered...

I hate to seem like I'm coming to your moms defense, but maybe wanting your dad out of the house is for another reason than just giving up her privacy.

Just witnessing your loved ones age is emotional, watching them slowly die is excruciating. I don't blame her for wanting her home to remain full of good memories, especially if she plans to remain in the home herself. I don't believe its selfish, maybe just a one-sided view.

Speak to both of your parents again. It may be that mom may simply wants her privacy, but its probably more. Also if your dad understood the toll dying at home would take on your mom, he may change is mind. (if he is still capable of responding).

As far as stopping her if she insists, your mom probably has power of attorney, so there is not much from a legal standpoint you can do.

I wish you best of luck, Cheryl @ Eshalon Inc

Eleclyt answered...

Do we have enough info? Does "The last month my dad has not gotten out of bed...", mean that he on his death bed? Old age no longer qualfies as a cause of death.

Does the Mother's privacy rate higher that a death wish?

Whitehaired gal answered...

There is a really good site on the web where you can get a "score card" grading on nursing homes all over the country. This is based on input from residents, family members, staff and the inspection. I just looked up Nursing Home Report Cards and it seems as if they are ranked by state. This served to be an invaluable tool when I had to put my mom in a nursing home.

No one wants to come to this day with a loved one but sometimes it can't be helped. If you can place your Dad in a four to five star home you will be pleased with the care he gets and the load it will take off of all of your minds. However, it is very important that the family stay closely in touch with what is happening with your Dad, that is just a fact of life for families who have a loved one in a nursing home.

As for VA, they will give an allowance to the vet and/or the spouse but it is based on need and will not cover the cost of care in a nursing home. The paper work is unbelievable and takes months to complete. Some areas do have people who will help with filing out the paper work and this is huge. Your VA office will know of these people and put you in touch with them.

God bless you decision.