How can I balance my life and my fear of my mother passing away without me with her?
I know I am experiencing "anticipatory grief" as my mom has been lingering for weeks. She no longer speaks, smiles and barely opens her eyes. She is on a thickened liquid diet and only takes about 35% of her calories. She has vascular dementia and severe spasticity due to her strokes. She is 92 years old. Finally my question: Is there any advice you could offer me regarding balancing my own need to start "letting go" with my other need, which is to continue to be close to her and provide as much comfort and love as possible? She is in a very good nursing home...yes, they exist, but I have trouble if I even miss one day of visiting. My husband has planned a week long vacation for us (something we haven't done for years) and I know it will be difficult for me to relax. We will be out of cell phone service for about four of those days. I am happy about going, but know I will feel anxiety and some guilt for leaving her. She could die while I'm gone and I hate the thought of her being alone as she passes.
Expert Answer
It often feels like an eternity while living with anticipatory grief and waiting for a loved one to die. We experience many of the stages of grief that have been written about for a very long time - most notable may be Elizabeth Kubla Ross's work which I encourage you to read to help make sense out of your inner turmoil and to realize that what you are currently experiencing is quite normal. Sorrow, confusion, despair, and guilt are all natural parts of anticipatory grief and are usually accompanied by moments of great happiness as you reflect on the love you have shared with your mom for many years. This emotional roller coaster however can seem overwhelming and sometimes keep the griever from functioning well. Do take the time to replenish your spirit. I can't think of a better way to do this than to take that much-needed vacation with your hubby who will still be there for you after your mom passes. While you are away, your mother will not be alone. She will be with the staff who has been lovingly caring for and about her in her new home.
It will take a great deal of courage and emotional elasticity to get through your grief but based on the clarity of your note, I am sure you will do it heroically!
I would like to share a favorite A.A. Milne quote wth you: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard".
Please take care of YOU!