How do I deal with Mom's angry outbursts?
I am new to this site and I need information from those who actually have been through what I am doing now. My mother has had some cognitive decline over the last few years, but has not been diagnosed with dementia related problems. She has memory loss, but the anxiety and the hallucinations she is now experiencing do not seem to fit the characteristics of some with dementia. During her "hallucinations" and her angry outbursts like "temper tandrums" she is extremely articulate. These episodes are like someone has hit a switch and she changes from a very pleasant woman to a raving witch within seconds for apparently no reason. She has no sign of TIAs, but her change of mood is dramatic. She actually will remember that she gave me a "hard time" and she apologizes for it. She knows everyone around her by name and she knows relationships (who belongs to whom, etc.) She will ask reasonable and appropriate questions, but she has these anxiety attacks suddenly and she acts like a small child not getting her way. No tears, just hyperventilating. Reasoning does not work. Medications don't work. How can I handle these outbursts? She wants me to take her "home" all the time and when I cannot do that because she is in fact at HOME, she becomes combative with me. HELP!!! I'm at my wit's end. She will stay at home. No nursing home for her. That's a decision already made, so I need help to keep her home and content as long as she lives. Thanks everyone for listening and helping me in some way.
Handling angry outbursts in the elderly is a complex situation. The fact that the angry person is your parent certainly complicates the caregiving scenario. I'm sure many suggestions have already seemed counter-intuitive simply because you are the child of the affected person. Most likely, you feel the need to continue recognizing this role while the viable treatment may involve times when role-reversal is necessary.
My husband, who had an early onset mixed dementia also showed signs of different disease entities. Angry outbursts that seemed related to a frontal-lobe dementia, great mood & functional changes that sometimes only lasted a few short minutes and were related to vascular disease, and cognitive decline in concert with Alzheimer's. I needed to try many various reactions to the anger and different treatments for the other symptoms. Reasoning never worked -he had lost the ability to respond to it and trying to offer logical explanations complicated his behavior. In the decades since, as a professional working exclusively with this population, I have seen hundreds of people with progressive organic brain disease such as your mom appears to have.
I would revisit the medication regime. Perhaps try entering into a dialog with your pharmacist who may be the best professional to know which medications may work best for each of the symptoms. This may take time and is generally a trial and error program. What works for one patient may not work for another, but when you find the right one it will be well worth the wait!
Meanwhile, you may want to address the 'hallucinations' by examining the environment. Check to be sure she isn't interpreting something (shadows, noises, TV etc) as a perceived threat. If she is on any medications ask your pharmacist if one of these may be contributing to her various behaviors - particularly the hallucinations. Again reasoning usually does not work since these things she is reacting to are very real to her. Trying to explain the reality of the situation will most likely exacerbate her distress and escalate the resulting anger. If you do not already belong to a support group, I encourage you to find meetings that will help you adjust to this very difficult and demanding situation. Not only will this be emotional assistance but you may also learn helpful techniques for dealing with each of her behavior issues. Remember that to be the best caregiver possible, you MUST take care of yourself.
In reading your letter I find my situation described. My mother is almost 95 years old and has not been diagnosed with either Alzheimer or dementia but is being treated with namenda and aricept. She has
been having her switch flipped and being hard to handle. No help from the doctor. You just have to deal with it. This is very frustrating. My Mother doesn't know the names of anyone all the time.
She has been living with me for 3 years now and is getting harder to handle. I fell in January and fractured my hip and had to have surgery. This caused me to have to get people in place to care for her 24 hours a day. I believe the suggestions in the first response
are very good and plan to check with my pharmist for some answers.
It helps to know that this is not just my mother but a condition that everyone has to deal with.
She has moments of clarity during which she tells me she is sorry for her outbursts and really seems to understand. She told me yesterday that if she every got back home she would never visit me again. And that she was going to tell her children that if anything happened to her I would be the one who did it. I have found that I can tell her to treat me with respect and she will be a little nicer. We have always been close but she doesn't remember me much of the time. it helps to vent even if I don't get any answers.
hi ya.. My mother has had dementia for several years now.. Yes at first she remember her anger outbursts but not the reason for it she would say she was so sorry and she didn't know why she did it...Then later she knew she had done something wrong and i would talk to her and try to reassure her.. That was then, now about a year later she has unbelievable rages. During these episodes she believes everyone is against her and scheming behind her back.. She is now in a nursing home, I had to take care of her for two years and it just got worse and worse, she followed me about everywhere, even the bathroom, she called me at least four times a night, I just couldn't do it any more. Now even in the nursing home they have to send for me when she flips, I still have to put her to bed because she won't let them do it and will become violent. Through the years of caring for her I know what to do and what not to do. 1. Never tell her she is wrong 2. Agree with everything She has come up with some unbelievable ideas, she has told me that the nursing staff had beaten a baby and hid it behind the nurses station....that they have locked her in a room all day and not given her anything to eat, people have come into her room and stolen all her money and stuff..
OK what do i do to calm her??? When she first started this i would try to talk her through it ,make her see how silly the things was she was saying.. she would, after a long time realise how wrong she was and would be so sorry, she even would cry. Now i find that as her condition worsens this does not work, she now cannot see how ridiculous the things she is saying are...I have found, though time, that if i agree with her and fix whatever she thinks is wrong she calms down and after and hour or even two she has forgotton all about it For instance...when she thought the nursing staff were hurting a baby and hid it behind their station, i told her i took the baby away to a safe place and she was content, i just had to keep reassuring her that i had saved the baby. Last night she had her usual one..someone had stolen all her things, ..what i did was go and get them back ...show her items she thought were missing and told her i got them back and everything was now ok When she is beyond all that i try to talk about something else, this is very difficult when she is in full rant...had to laugh one night when i tried to talk about my kids, she loves children, and in full rage she said '**** the children do i look as if i have time for them i have find my stuff'. Its can very hurtful sometimes but i find if i keep cool, laugh a lot and try to make her see the funny side of things i can take her around. my favourite thing to say is 'you either laugh or you cry'. Its a soul destroying disease, the person you love is changed beyond anything you could ever imagine but remember somewhere in there is the person you remember and love
I just now had this occurrence with my 63 yr old husband who has vascular dementia (severe stroke) and probably Alz.(drs. suspect). His 6 yr deterioration has led to "constant" pain and irrational outbursts, esp. when anxious about falling. His memory is pretty good but his emotional statbility is gone. So many issues to address but drs. tried Trileptal for pain since Lortab is not working and this has made his outbursts much worse. He seemed to do better on Seroquel (he also has Parkinson's) but can not take it when they are experimenting with other drugs. Drs. don't realize how difficult it is on caregivers when they begin messing with meds for patients with brain changes.Pharmacist told me they are trying everything else to prevent putting him on the stronger pain meds. Frustration and anxiety is #1 so I think this is the major issued to be addressed because he won't leave the house (not depressed).
I have a mother in law w/ vascular dementia and my husband is taking care of her. I started over a year ago, and she and I didn't work out. She became so violent towards me, it was breaking me down, I run a daycare for small children and between that and her, I couldn't cope. She is in my home still, but husband deals with her majority of time. He has learned to control her environment as much as possible, except for the days when I am in a room and she hears just my voice and swears I am talking about her in a vile way or anything that seems wrong with her, I am the reason behind it. It's unbearable. I have cried myself to sleep many nights as she sits in her room violently cursing me and saying how she would like to kill me and talking out loud of how she would carry it through. I have endurred many a sleepless nights wondering when she would walk thru my door and hit me with her cane, (luckily) for me she had a stroke and she is mobile but I can hear her most times with the cane...now she is starting to creep around very silently and at this time I told my husband she needs to leave. It's very hurtful the things she says....I know everyone says "think of the source" it doesn't make it hurt any less. I take things to heart very easily (this is not good) My husband is now building a new place behind our house which he will put her in and our nephew is helping to stay with her on and off to give husband a break. I wish I knew what to tell you. Hers is vascular and soft touch, noise reduction...treat them like you would an infant...is what I'm seeing...routine. and keep them busy when they are awake. Don't let them sleep during the day. I don't know if this helps. Good luck to you!
I work for the elderly and work with one particular woman who is extremely verbally aggressive toward all staff. I usually get hit at least two times on my shift. I always try to revert back to validation, to try to let her know i understand even if i dont. This sometimes works and sometimes it doesnt. I agree what someone else said to agree and state she is right no matter what. It NEVER helps to argue with a senior, especially if they are confused ( diagnosed dementia or not). Takeing appropriate space is much needed too, but remeber they need you and if space is taken ( for both parties sake) be sure not go too far. Keep in mind it is not a power struggle, and to know your own emotional limits. Remember to let them know what your doing before your doing it to ensure their feeling of safety. Be aware of their triggers and what might upset them, anticipate it like are lights on or doors shut or open, even if it seems silly to you it can set them off, causing you to have to deal with some not so nice behaviors. Do not rely on medication to solve grandmas woes, only your care and compassion will make these years bearable.
My mother also has some angry dementia. I try to talk with her about it and she denies EVERYTHING. She is soon to be 84 and I am 62. Her doc is convinced that she does not have alz. I just don't know. She is argumentive as hell and I'm fed up with it. She even tells me she purposely tunes me out when I try to talk with her and admits to saying and doing things that she knows will upset me....can anyone believe this??-I'm telling the truth here! We live together and I have become sooo unhappy in my life. She generally sits on her butt all day and watches Fox News. She hardly wants to do anything else. I do just about EVERYTHING for her. I have no one at all to help me with her, but thats okay its just the way it is. She can have a terrible hateful temper. I wish I could move, but I can't...we have financial considerations on both of us and for this we have to stay together. She spit in my face and tried to hit me in the face some time ago and I just can't seem to get over that no matter how hard I have tried. I told her she better not ever attempt that again. Every day there is some kind of incident. Unfortunatley if I put her in a nursing home then the nursing home will take the house then I have no where to live or go and it is me paying alot of our bills and I am almost out of funds. I am out of work and nobody will hire me at my age---believe me I 've tried. I am a very well educated person and have held very high professional positions in the past now... I'm screwed in the end. Prayers are totally worthless...there isn't any so called diety listening...I now believe all that is perhaps the greatest hoax of all mankind. My mother is very lucky that I am still on earth to help her, she is clueless to my unhappiness. One thing I noticed about her dementia... it has robbed her of compassion for others around her. I don't think she can understand how much I do for her.
Anonymous above could almost be me talking. My mom is 91, I'm 62, and we have lived together for the past 13 years. She has not been diagnosed with dementia, however, she does have severe memory and logic problems due to 30 years of untreated epilepsy. She is tiny and frail and gets around with a walker, but she has a very sharp tongue when it suits her and in her mind she is still strong and capable. She is also diabetic and I plan out her meals and serve them to her to keep her blood sugar steady, as well as coordinate her care with her doctors. As far back as I can remember my mom has been obsessed with feeding animals. She used to live in the country with acreage around her, so no one minded. But now we live in a tightly packed neighborhood, we're tight on money because I haven't been able to find work in 8 months and we're living completely off of her retirement income. We have one cat of our own that stays indoors all the time. I recently discovered that she's been opening 4 cans of cat food a day to feed OUR NEIGHBOR'S CATS in our backyard!! She's been doing it before I get up so that I won't catch her in the act, but it was obvious something was going on because the cat food was disappearing too quickly. When I asked her to stop and gave her all the compelling reasons why, she told me she was going to "do as she pleases" and then proceeded to walk up and slap me in the face! That's the first time she has ever hit me and I was so shocked by it that I instinctively slapped her back before I even knew what I was doing! Now, she's calling me a liar and claiming that I hit her first. Of course, I have no sign of her strike on me, but she has small red spot on her face where I slapped her, and believe me, it wasn't a hard slap. She's now threatening to tell her doctor's that I'm "abusing" her, but this is the first time anything like this has ever happened and now that I know she might hit me, I will be prepared and won't let it happen and certainly won't ever slap her again. My mom used to be my best friend when I was growing up and as a young adult - until she developed epilepsy and it began to change her entire personality. It breaks my heart to see my mom and former best friend become so combative and angry all the time. I, too, cannot afford to put her in a facility, because I would then be homeless. My mother has also lost her compassion for people and doesn't seem to realize the sacrifices I have made to keep her healthy and alive (my husband divorced me in 2001 shortly after we moved her in with us - said he just couldn't take it). I stopped believing in God a long time ago. There isn't anyone 'up there' to help us. We are all on our own.
anonymous and nocrying now.....wow! I picked the right day to google "dementia angry outbursts"! I was feeling very low and frustrated, thinking I was the only one with this problem. I turned 49 today, my angry father is 92 and I feel like my life is over with no hope ahead until he dies. I have been in the background, sacrificing much to assist my elderly parents for the last 23 years. At first it was a pleasure, and my mother passed unexpectedly 4 years ago. I now realize that her last days could not have been pleasant and am amazed at how well she managed my negative, controlling father. He is amazing at how he can flip his switch, being "normal" in front of the doctor, church people, other siblings....but is really paranoid and angry at me the person who takes him shopping, cleans his house, does his laundry, runs his farm, etc. I have tried to reach out to his doctor, but he is on his best behavior. On top of this he still sneaks out driving, which is a huge danger. His eyesight is bad and the optometrist says he is not legal to drive, but would not help me by filling out the paperwork for the DMV.
I am new at this dementia stuff, but want to thank you for sharing, and I am open to any stories of how you gals cope!
Mariposa, I am glad you googled "dementia angry outbursts" and you found Caring.com. If you are looking for additional support, advice, encouragement and more you may want visit one of our Online Support at: https://www.caring.com/support-groups . The members of each group either have walked or are walking the caregiving journey and come together to help each other out . We also have an article entitled "Dealing with an Angry Person located at: https://www.caring.com/articles/7-ways-to-handle-an-angry-person If I can assist you with additional researches, please let me know.
My Mom has Multiple Sclerosis and this was something I really needed to hear from all of you. My Mom was diagnosed when I was 12 and now at 28 I can say a lot has changed. The roles have reversed dramatically. No one told me that if I accept money from my Mom she would forget giving it to me or that she came up with the idea. I guess her memory loss is overcompensated by her mind and an explanation that I must have stolen it or tricked her into giving it to me is made to explain what happned to it. I used to argue or try to reason in hopes that she would realize that I wouldn't take advantage or steal from her. It took me a long time to realize she isn't dependable or credible and that she isn't the average Mom. Now that I'm older I understand but I wish I were just forgotten instead of thought of as something I'm not. I don't argue anymore. I understand. I wish other people could understand too. My whole family thinks she just says she's sick but is just on drugs because she slurs her speech and is forgetful and often delusional or unreasonable. She gets angry and paranoid. The outbursts and randomness of the backlash is almost unbearable. People tell me all the time when I vent or I'm upset that I should stop letting her hurt me as though I bring this upon myself but they don't understand that my Mom is inside that Woman and that she hurts twice as much as I do and that if she had cancer they would be ashamed of their advice. Sometimes telling her she's been hurting me helps but it doesn't always work. I think the best we can do is love them when we can and recognize the sickness and try not to confuse the two. I tell people there is a learning curve and as her disease progresses the curve continues, for both of us. She has been deflecting her disease more recently by saying that medicines make her memory fuzzy so she stops taking it or that she doesn't know what's wrong with her when she can't get a word out that is "sitting on the edge" of her tounge. I don't blame her. She can't controll herself anymore than I can. She is much like a child. She is dangerous with a telephone because I thought I was tough and didn't need to tell people about her being sick or I didn't want people feeling sorry for me-- she makes phone calls to people (how she gets phone numbers is beyond me) and suddenly people don't speak to me anymore because she told them things that are inapropriate and they think she's fine so they listen to her delerious rants for weeks before they explode on me for things they think are true. I told my Mother in law from the start not to speak to my Mom on Facebook or on the phone and explained the situation and said that she understood and then went behind my back and argued with my Mom for weeks before she told me she had enough as though my Mom was the one who needed to stop and now I can'teven talk about my Mom without eyes being rolled or attitude. I get when people don't know but when they know her situation and they refuse to be understanding it makes life difficult. She was once a decent normal Mom so when I talk about those days my Mother's work and efforts aren't recognized. It is extremly irritating. Some days I want to never speak to her again. It is a never ending roller coaster and I want to be sure to say it sucks. Everyone says be strong and go with the lord and it will be okay but sometimes you just need to hear that it sucks, its hard, and there is no right way to go about caring for someone who is going through so many psychological changes.
In reply to Mudgie...I hate to say I know where you are and I know where you are going.... the "temper tantrums" are I think a part of the condition, being 'extremely articulate' makes you think that they have a point to the tantrums and I have, on several occasions thought my mother had a reason for the tantrum. She accused family members of being cruel and in time abusive. She accuse carers of stealing and she was so sure about what she was saying that some family members believed, at the beginning she was right, which created rows within the family. As time went on I learned how to 'talk her down' from this place she was and she would cry and be so sorry as she remembered some of the things she had said and done. Now the tantrums do not occur as much but that could be that her condition has worsen or that I now know the signs and have made all those who care for her to watch out for the signs and divert her attention. Hyperventilating... my Mother has started this one over the past year she can be fine one minute and the next she just starts hyperventilating for nothing... It can start with the words 'Whats wrong with me?' and off she goes... you have to learn to divert attention when she starts...change the subject, no matter what nonsense you have to talk about...with my mother its about 'cutting turf', this was something she done as a child. Home...I would be in my mothers house and she would insist that she wanted to 'go home' she reckon that although my house was nice she wanted to go to her own house. As for saying you will not send her to a Nursing Home...never say never... I nursed my mother for 4 years and was near a break down as I had to do it on my own... other family members claimed they couldn't cope with her or they had too busy of lives but they could however tell me what I was doing wrong... She had to go to hospital as the bone in her hip crumbled and she was there for 6 weeks in that time her condition worsened, as is the norm in dementia patients, they do not take well to being out of their own environment, I then had to put her into a nursing home for 2 weeks as there was a death in the family. It was during this time that I discovered my children again, I had practically being ignoring them as my mothers conditioned worsened and her condition took all my time and effort. Her doctor, her social worker and I decided that it was the best place for her. She now 'after 2 years' still looks to go home but its her childhood home she wants, she wants her brother and sisters but they are dead. She now thinks I am her sister and I have learned to go along with her. I have learned, over time, to go along with most of what she says or to divert her attention when the situation is annoying her or stressing her out... I talk about everything and anything, I ask her questions about her childhood, things she done, how people lived, where she worked etc.. this brings her to a new place where she is the queen and she can tell me the same story over and over and I still pretend it is new to me. Remember they are in a strange frightening place and their thoughts and memory's are all mixed up,. Good luck to you and remember you have a life too
My God I thought I was alone in this. My grandmother goes from perfectly fine to telling me about the 30's. She is very independent and refuses to allow anyone any type of control. My mother sees about her daily and we've trowd for months to get dr.s to help us but its gotten worse. She thinks she's broke and had has no money but she does she thinks people are coming into her home and they aren't. She has tantrums like a child would when she doesn't get qhat she wants right away. We just tonight decided to look into homes which she will resent us forever over but neither of us can provide the round the clock care she needs. Its morally the hardest thing to even think about but the option of letting her continue to live in her house and not even remember to bathe to eat or to mail the light bill isn't going to work either. I just wish I knew why this started happening. Shes 84 and she's every memory of a selfless loving woman I could ever want. I hate seeing her like this and the emoational toll its taken on my mother is at its end. Pray for my family and I have said one for each story I've read on here.
DESTINYSMON Your grandmother may 'resent' you for a little while and will question as to why she is where she is but I have to say I cheated with this one and told my mother she was only there for a rest. Over time she has forgotten most things, this includes my father, who she was married to for over 60 years. She does remember me but then I call with her most days but there are days when I become 'nurse', they never forget that word. Your mother needs to be saved from your grandmother, I was very near a breakdown before I placed my mother in a home and felt the deepest sense of guilt but now nearly 2 and half years later I know I done the right thing as it came to the stage that I was beginning to resent her and the hold she had over my life. I had all but lost the connection with my children, my youngest was just 10 when all this began. I spent so much time caring for her I began to resent how she was 'stealing my life'. Now she is being looked after by others I love the time I spend with her. We laugh and I just let her go to her world of begin young again and here she feels empowered and this, I think, is good. I was talking to a friend tonight who nursed her beloved father in law for five years and then at the last year she had to put him in a home as she was at breaking point. She made her decision when her own mother said 'You have to do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to'. On hearing this she realized that she had become to dislike and resent a man she had grown to love and respect since her marriage into the family and when she put him in the 'home' she found the love come back because now she did not bear the weight and responsibility of his care on her shoulders. She went to see him every day until he died and bathed and changed him but she could walk away if she wanted to and have time now for herself and her young family. Take care all and remember you do not have to carry the weight on your shoulders alone there is people out there who are only too willing to help
My husband has a long history of bad health: early heart attack, kidney disease, kidney transplant, a genetic disorder that impacts skin and inner organs, etc. Because of this, he is on upward of 20 medications including mood stabilizers. Yet, recently, his normally short fuse seems to have shortened even more. He has taken to screaming at strangers that they are walking too closely to him. Not only is it embarrassing, but I'm afraid he's going to scream at the wrong person some time. I tried to call one of his docs, this morning, and was told that they would not discuss the problem with me without him present. He's been in declining health for at least 10 years (he's 68) but I seem to be seeing a more rapid decline, now. Any suggestions on who I can turn to for help?
I am so thankful for all of the shared stories. My mom is almost 84 and her anger outbursts have brought both my sister and I to tears. We are the ones who have always been there for her and she has gotten to the point where she tells us we are horrible and worse than our brother who is a drug addict and verbally abused her back. I understand that these outbursts are due to her age and mental state but I don't have to live with her. My sister does and when I got involved to try and help my mom see the pain she is causing, she hung up on me and didn't speak to my sister for three days. She also lies and makes up stories that she thinks will benefit her or justify her behavior. There is no reasoning with her. There is no calming her down. It is awful. She also has the switch that shevturns on so others think she is a sweet lady. Her language is disgusting and shocking. I.don't know what to do anymore. I pray I am not like that when I am older. We do love her so much and this is why it hurts.
I too am glad I googled "angry outbursts in the elderly" because less than an hour ago the nearly 94 year old mother-in-law, who's been living with us for 4 years, just exploded out of thin air while we were trying to reheat her Chicken Parmigiana. It escalated very fast, she was screaming like a 5 year old then stomped to her room for the night. She has not been diagnosed with dementia or strokes, takes no medicine that would cause these outbursts (not the first outburst) although the reason we had to move her in with us is that she thought the FBI was following her for laundering drug money because she used to walk to the bank frequently. Unfortunately this paranoia followed her to our house. The doctors are of no help. My husband is the only child so we can't get any help from family. There are days I want to say "I can't take it anymore! You have to choose me or your mother." Today I'm near tears. Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to the others who have posted here.
My mom has frontal lobe dementia. She also can flip the switch and come after me, wanting to know why I hate her, and she says she hates me etc. I am working (don't think I could retire and do this for 24/7) and I have placed her in a wonderful day care center and pick her up when I get off from work. I thought she was not going back there and didn't know what I was going to do, but she got up this morning with her purse ready to go in. I am so tired from not sleeping and listening to her mouthing me last night because I take her to a day care center. Since I am also of the retirement age, I have decided there will be a day I will place her in a nursing home. I am about ready for one myself. If I did not love her, I would not put myself thru this. God Bless Every Caregiver. I'm trying to hang in there.
I live in the Uk and I have a 92 year-old mother who is very difficult. Her anger has always been part of our lives, the world is a very hostile place to her and she won't consider she might have contributed. Tonight she got really angry with me because I suggested she focus on the positives in her life. She said" I'm sorry I haven't died yet so you can have my money!" It's hurtful and makes me feel like giving up supporting her. Fortunately she still lives independently in supported housing I could not have her live with me, I would have a breakdown. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and suggestions, it's good to know I'm not a bad person.
Mother has always had some issues, mostly feeling jealousy and being envious of others who had more than her. Dad died in 2008, I swore he did it to get away from her. She was selfish, but now that she is suffering from Alzheimer's and dementia at 88, she is unbearable for her family and even the former friends in the nursing home. She spews hate and anger like there is nothing good in anyone, any thing or any place. Like her former selfishness if she is unhappy she wants to move. She refuses to grasp that none of her kids (72, 68,and 66) have the strength or good health to deal with her. Mother is paralyzed on her right side. She always begs for therapy then quits the day it makes her uncomfortable. Her mantra is whine about each of her kids, how much she hates the home, how bad the food is ( she weighs over 210 pounds) and money. My brother is her primary care giver. God bless him this is hard on him. She lies when it suits her purpose, cries like a baby then flips out if it doesn't get the desired results. She is a master manipulator and tries her best to keep everyone around her in a state of agitation towards her, or towards others. It is as if she is so filled with hate she wants the world to be as hateful as she is. I have finally gotten to the point I seldom call her. Oh, I want to call and say I love you, but that is not what she wants to hear. Everyone that knows Mother tries to stay away from her. Even the nurses at the home catch hell, and especially my brother. His wife refuses to go. My mother has been abusive and still is to her, verbally and it never stops. In the 53 years she has been married to my brother my mother has never, not once said "I love You" to her and it makes mother sick to say thank you to her for the many favors she has done for mother. No person wants to hate their mother, or be angry with them all the time. I feel sorry for her being trapped in her body, unable to move or do anything for herself. I hate it that she suffers, has pain. On the other hand she refuses to what the doctors tell her will help relieve the pain. Once in a blue moon I am able to perform a miracle and get her to talk about the past, her past mostly, and get some laughs and comments about happier days. I pray for her every night. If God cannot heal her body then I ask Him to heal her heart and soul. I could call her every day except when I tried it was like a broken record of whining, self-pity, hate, total negative, ugly words that are 100% untrue about some of the nicest people I know. My brother went to visit two or three hours a day. He goes for an hour or less now to visit and often leaves after she starts the replay of the anger, blame and negative stuff each time. She is a total lunatic if they take the medicine away for Alzheimer's off. Some times I wonder if it is better that she doesn't have it and doesn't know where she is or who we are anymore. She was beautiful once, she loves new clothes, good food, fine things for herself. She is only happy in micro moments on any given day. God bless those who are in the home or work there. Those sparkling blue eyes can pierce your soul with looks of hate and scorn like no others. The Alzheimer's /dementia is a nasty disease and the symptoms of anger are horrible. It is torture for not just the afflicted but all who deal with the person afflicted.
I can sympathize with all. My mother has passed now, but the dementia was a trip through hell. She wore Depends, but would pull them down, sit on the floor, and do her business. I tried to take her for walks, but when we were a block from home, she dug in her heels and refused to take one step. Finally I was able to get her to walk with me, but she wouldn't let me hold her arm. Then she did hold out her hand to me, I went to take it, and she scratched my arm from elbow to wrist. Four bloody deep scratches. She started yelling "Bitch" at me, and wouldn't walk home. One neighbor was sitting in his yard, and he came over to us. He said, "Martha, don't call Nancy names like that." My mother said, "This isn't Nancy. I don't know who this bitch is. I think she is a streetwalker." She allowed the neighbor to walk her home, she holding onto his arm, talking about the bitches she saw on our street. She had always been terrible to be around when we were kids,. whacking us if we were around her when she didn't want us to be. She took one of my brother's white shirts and wrote across the back, I AM FARTY. She hated our dad, they constantly fought, dirty fighting--she told him many times she hoped he would die eaten up by cancer. Well, I did feel bad when her mind turned on her and she could not live a halfway decent life, but I kept her at home, and found a caregiver who was used to patients with dementia. Mom took herself away from us one night, and I hate to say that it was a month until I could honestly grieve. Well, I send good wishes to all of you that you are able to cope with the Alzheimer's behavior, and that God blesses all of you.
Thank you all so much for sharing and I am so glad I found this. My 70 year old father is just now starting to have these "rages" in addition to health decline and diabetes. Huntingtons runs in our family and after his last stay in the hospital, my three sisters and I thought maybe that could be what was happening, but the doctors keep telling us no, but couldn't give us any other alternative answers. It's been so hard because I am the youngest at 31 and am single with no kids yet, so I am trying to take the brunt of the responsibility. However the combination of not knowing what's happening, seeing my once capable and loving father scared and violently angry, and my sisters all hurting due to the things that are said in the episodes.... I am sincerely just praying for guidance and strength. Reading other descriptions has given me a little hope we can at least trudge forward toward some sort of answer. Thank you all again and keep loving through the uncertainty.
Wow I can soooo sympathize with everyone here , I'm going thru similar things as everyone here my case is I have 3 sisters and one doesn't even care to talk to her , and we have also been devastated with the financial crisis we have gone too so I lost my job , I'm 54 ,educated. Considered smart , but haven't been able to find a job , in my area they don't pay enough , my mom is very controlling and lately she's been getting angrier and angrier , I'm at my wits end with her , she's 73 , but had a family Loss of her sister recently the one she was most close too , and she has all her her stuff in storage , and living with my one of my sisters and is always complaining and angry she blames us for not having her in her own apartment , I'm soo ready to run out of all this , I'm divorced and again lost my job with the financial crisis and never recuperated , sorry such a long winded message , but have no one to talk to about this and googled about this situation and found your site very much I can identify with your situation , please hel p me with some advice too thank you
I just joined , cuz I don't know what else to do anymore, my mom lives with me, she's 82 her alzheimer's is getting worse, she also having hallucinations becoming very hateful and wanting to argue allot. I lost my dads,have lost most of my siblings and I'm losing my mama. She can't take care of herself but will not accept that she can't which gets her upset. I don't sleep when she's in her moods which is often, this one is going on two weeks hoping it will end soon. She wants to leave or drive off whice she can't but she can't understand that. I can go three day without sleep but after that I'm just fried. I have to keep all doors locked and take the keys to my room then i just keep an eye on her all night, I have a monitor in her room Cuz she'll be up and about and keeps saying she's walking out. And by the way she uses a walker and will tire very fast cuz she also has COPD and severe scoliosis. And yes she can be sweet with others. Especially if the nurse rings the door bell.Actually my mama is the sweets, most generous unselfish person you could have meet. She still in there at times. We were always so close. It has just gotten to hard for me I don't know how much more I can take, I never thought I would ever consider a nursing home but I just can't make her happy any more i feel like I'm giving up on her, whice I know she would never have done that to me ,but I also know it's taking me down with her and I still have my husband and son to think about. It's so hard cuz love her. Silly me I just want my mama back. Had to vent .God bless you all
This reply is to the lady who said she is stuck because if she admits her mother to a nursing home, she will lose the house and they both have an interest in the house and she lives there with her mother. I don't know what state you live in but in my state, if you live in the house with your parent for 2 full years before she goes to the nursing home, Medicaid (Dept. of Health & Human services) will not use that as a countable resource when determining her eligibility. Have you checked with an elder law attorney? I paid one $150.00 for one hour and it saved my brain and pocketbook on many issues. My Mom is on the "spend down to Medicaid" and we had to spend all of her liquid money on her care & comfort and my Dad's. He just passed away in April of this year and my Mom is now in the nursing home. They do go back & check to make sure your parent has not "gifted" cash to you, etc. But please check with an elder law attorney. It will be well worth it. My Mom has severe rheumatoid arthritis which affects the immune system and attacks everything. She lost her eyesight. She cannot walk. She has moderate dementia. Those 3 things right there almost drove my sister & me crazy because we kept her at home for 3 years until the eye doc had to remove one of her eyes. She went in under rehab and even the nursing home and doctor said it would be unwise to take her home because she needs 24/7 care. She also cries for her "Mama & Daddy". She's 83. She wants to go home. Accuses us of spending her money. Accused my sweet Dad who was 88 at the time, of having girlfriends (no he did not). Now, she won't eat her breakfast most days and fights the cna's when they bathe her. Her skin is paper think so she gets skin tears beating her arms against the rail of here bed. She is having her 4 day episode this week railing at everybody within hearing range. I am handling this by myself & my husband runs errands for me. My sister had a stroke and aneurysm so she cannot help me. Good luck and I hope you will consider getting professional advice about keeping the house and be able to admit your Mom to a nursing facility. It will save you. I even had to go to the ER with irregular heartbeats & cardiologist said it was from stress and to start taking care of myself. I am 64 years old. God Bless You.
My husband has occasional angry outbursts that are very frightening to me. He rants and says terrible things about me and to me.. The doc wants to do an MRI to see if he has had mini strokes. He doesn't want to follow through. He complains about any doctor that he goes to, that they don't do enough for him. He has become very self centered. I just am at my wits end with all of this. He has now taken to the habit of slamming his hand down on whatever is in front of him when he is angry. When I try to talk to him, he just yells over me and won't listen. There is no reasoning. When he is calm and try to talk to him about it, he won't even acknowledge any ownership of his behavior. It is always my fault. Feeling very alone.Feeling depressed about the future.
I'm glad I found this, just so I know that I'm not alone in this. My mom is not living with me; she's still living with my dad at their home; but being the oldest daughter of only two children, the brunt of helping out my parents and organizing my mom's medical care falls to me. My problem is that my mom is only 71; and her negative behavior came upon us abruptly about 3 years ago. She's not frail by any means, and while she has been ill; she's being treated with immunotherapy for cancer; she's not some weak, nice, little doddering old lady that you can persuade or convince to do anything. Her insane delusions and extreme paranoia are in complete and utter control of her, and she absolutely refuses to entertain any logic that says otherwise, as well as absolutely refuses to see a neurologist or psychiatrist to be evaluated for dementia or a mental condition. It took everything we had; and I mean everything; to convince her to see a doctor when a lab test came back with a possibility of cancer -- she was convinced the doctors were spies and backed out of 2 biopsies, saying that someone was tampering with her medical records. She put everyone off for almost 3 years (doctors were calling the house, begging her to be seen) and the only way I could get her to see a doctor was to transfer everything to an oncologist located in another city over 80 miles away. Turns out she was sitting on cancer -- almost to stage 4. She would only get treatment if we kept going to the oncologist out of the city (she is convinced that her house and car are bugged and that everyone in her hometown city knew everything she was doing), so my poor dad and I have to fight traffic and drive almost 2 hours to another city multiple times a week. And we've been doing this for almost a year and a half now, just trying to get the cancer under control. And during this whole time the past few years, my mother has been screaming, yelling and accusing me, my dad and my brother of being manipulated by witchcraft to work with the spies or the mysterious "they" that want to take her money and her house. She is determined to get one of us to agree with her. She would rather tear her family apart and find out that she was right and that we're all "witchcraft puppets" determined to take her for everything she has rather than entertain the idea that she just might be wrong in this belief. Then she bemoans about the state of her family and cries about how we're all no longer close. (Huh???) She is terrified of mobile phones and will accuse you of recording her if you take one out in her presence. She only has two modes these days: One, she's sad, morose and depressed, but she at least seems somewhat normal and can have somewhat decent (more like surly) conversations with people (especially her doctor, which I've begged to give me help -- but the oncologist can't do anything without my mom's consent unless she sees evidence of incompetence). And two, she flips a "switch" out of no where and becomes this evil, vindictive, manipulative person that spews rage, greed, curse words and more. (I don't even think she remember when she gets that way some of the time.) But what really takes the cake is that she's still smart and cognizant enough to remember what she can say or do that can really hurt and push your buttons at the same time. She's not just yelling or ranting nonsense. She will pointedly say the one thing that can really hurt your feelings or the one thing you may have been ashamed of. It's like being around an abusive stranger that somehow still knows everything that makes you tick. She wants and needs to pull people into an argument with her, and she will do everything in her power until it happens and will try for hours (I'm not exaggerating) to do so. Then she will pause, look at you, and say that something must be wrong with you because you're the one who's screaming. (Insert twilight zone theme song here.) There is no nice way to "convince" her to get evaluated for dementia or a mental condition. Texas has a strict and expensive guardianship process and I'm in no place financially to even start that process. And even if I had guardianship, she's strong as all get out. If she doesn't want to go the doctor I can't make her. Am I supposed to wrestle her WWF style to the doctor's office? Am I supposed to hire two "handlers" to strong-arm her into a nursing home? She's young enough, stubborn enough and mean enough that there's no gently trickery that can be used to get her to accept help. These so-called tips listed on some of the websites are useless to me. All my mom wants to do is yell, fight and spread misery to her family on a daily basis. And how does my dad deal with the daily torment? Happy hour starts at 9AM sharp with scotch, neat. He's become borderline alcoholic (and I'm probably in denial and he's already there), and he is also being stubborn and won't go to a support group or therapist, will only allow me to help so much (he feels guilty if I do what he feels is too much) and won't try to take care of himself. All he does is drinks. All day, every stinking day. His support group is attended by Jim Bean, Jack Daniels and is led by Captain Morgan. I'm so scared for both of them it is stressing me out to no end and on top of that I have two kids of my own. I'm 45 but I have younger children than most my age because I had fertility issues. This had affected my marriage -- I quit my job to help my parents but neither I nor my husband imagined this dragging out so long with no resolution in sight. My husband is fed up (and I don't blame him), but my brother won't help, and if I pull back to get my own household back on track and start working again full time, then I can pretty much just wait for that dreaded late night phone call. I don't know if I would be able to live with the guilt that I feel just thinking about it. I honestly don't know what to do at this point.