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How do I prepare to die?

35 answers | Last updated: Mar 29, 2015
kadie39 asked...

How do I prepare to die?


43% helpful
yusraipek answered...

You get ready for death by abandoning all bad deeds and behaviors. Stop hurting others, if you used to, even by hurting their feelings by hard words or by an See also:
Everyone is in denial that our mother is dying -- including her!
evil eye. Try to collect the forgiveness of all those who used to deal with you. Return back all things, money, properties which are originally not yours or those you took in an illegal way. Try to clean & clear yourself from all life debts, promises and words you gave to some people. Try to forgive all after asking for their forgiveness. If your parents are still alive, try to express your love to them and ask them to forgive you if you have ever hurt them. Think of your house in the Hereafter. It depends on the type of person you were during your life. I hope you are the person who everybody describes using GOOD words and not that sort of person who gained hatred of people around him or that person about whose bad deeds people start to speak even before his body gets buried in the ground.


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11% helpful
uncle joe answered...

generally a good answer but that would not help me. My ex wife and daughter she is 42 now and married with a dog are in conflict with me despite considerable emotional, intellectual and financial help from me, no strings attached. I went through a lot with my daughter battling severe allergy about age 13 till her late 20-s. She mastered agoraphobia too after many years when her mum done a sterling job supporting her. But her mum also combated me and at some stage tried to turn her against me unsuccessfully. I put extra ordinary effort finding solutions, paying the bills while not flash with funds, make sure she can maximise her recovery. Intellectual, emotional and financial support contributed to her final recovery she appreciated. Until recently. It would be another story to tell, too long here now, I may tell it on another forum later. Briefly: she got married to a guy who loves her but who resents me (the reason is still not quite clear to me why) since I organised twice his credit card maxed out to obscene levels to clear it so they finally can apply for a loan. I contributed to their deposit account that they not suppose to have touched (a condition from the provider) they broke and when I asked why my daughter told me it is non of my business(!).- I still kept up my support but things started to deteriorate. I leave out some chapters here, but in a nutshell: I became recently more unpopular as I asked some questions being concerned. My daughter cried on her husband's shoulder and her mum's who was very anti me, and I became concerned about my daughter's mental health. I suggested we seek professional help sorting out our differences. She grudgingly agreed but reneged after being rescued by her husband who blasted me for " obtaining consent from her under duress (!). I urged her to take a sample of my e-mails to an independent expert to see if the content of my communication is possibly misinterpreted. She did so and told me the advice she got was that she does not have to give me lengthy reasons why she is not answering my questions and she has the right to do so. She run with the advice and soon cut off communication. As she was tapering off started stalling to answer my questions then wrote she is busy but attend to them soon, followed complaining she find it difficult to answer them and when I simplified and broken down to spoon feeding level she said things happened a long time ago she does not remember...I offered to re send copies of relevant e-mails but no response. 40 years ago I started to use a copy paper when writing to her mum as I was accused of saying/writing things I didn't but to be fair I may have said so I can go back and check. Her mum became unsafe not to do this. So I kept my communications with them. They deleted their end and said they don't remember. I re-sent some but made no difference. A huge surprise for me and taking a lot out of me. I don't want to paint myself as a gravely wounded perfect injured, aggrieved party. I said harsher words sometimes on the phone when frustrated and concerned. But never attacking their integrity. Non of them could get me on substance so they attacked me on style of delivery and also putting a spin on my motives. All the while my actions evidenced caring, loving, helping. This must have been difficult for them to acknowledge.

I have a life threatening condition I am not harping on. But as things stands I need to attend to practical, legal aspects to tie up loose ends. I don't expect my daughter to be there for me when I need her as her split loyalty between me and her husband she loves would put her to be the meat in the sandwich. Whatever happened she won't tell me I asked many times, I need to know what have I done wrong if I did. I try sidestep the questions of friends asking me when did I see her last, spoke to her, when she will come to visit as everyone loves her she is a gem but something must have happened with her brain chemistry.- Worried and sad I must endure to live so long as I can doing what is most important for me to do: helping people. Warts and all. I am sure my daughter and her mum will be furious if they get to read this. But they can read other peoples responses to this if they do respond. I can not see what could I have done to precipitate this, my daughter's injured pride and irritation that I can not be faulted on substance (and if I could I am not told though). Rolling over and accept their treatment in the name of forgiveness what do I teach her then? What is wrong with justice? What are the things I am not getting? I asked them too but they ignored answering.- Before this final "breakup" I enlisted my daughter to help me to help her mum with costs of medical bills, dental bills, computer upgrades etc. I asked my daughter what the problems are and gave her the money she gave her mum saying it is coming from her. To protect her mum's ego even if she did not deserve it. Battling cancer and a heart attack few years back I thought economic worries should not tax her immune system so more energy left for healing. For 40 years I tried to stop happening what came to pass but was hooted down... She said she has no problems with me and mowed on, it is non of my business to ask her to get some extra few items in included in her blood tests, very important most G.P.-s and specialists not up to date with. I told her my doctor I hired does this so long my requests are backed up by evidence from credible sources. She said this doctor must be silly letting me educate him! Her mum said she will not read my e-mails because I am out to hurt her. At times when really over the top I pointed out some errors she took it as an attack. I stop now.



95% helpful
rw5167@yahoo.com answered...


I too have been a victim of family abuse due to divorce. I am sorry to hear of your issues with your family. Sometimes there are no answers and we have to suffer in silence. I have thought over this problem for more than 25 years (I am now Seventy years.) There is a reconcilation that you have to make with yourself, and that is, is there anything more that I can do to resolve this issue? If you know that nothing will ever change, then "bless her and release her and move on with your life. I have suffered loss from a former wife and three children. Move on and embrace what life has to offer.

Please forgive me for being blunt. I will keep you in my prayers.




75% helpful
uncle joe answered...

Dear Rick,

thank you for your response. Looks like many of us are wounded healers. I need not forgive your bluntness. The content, not the wrapping what counts. And the wrapping was not rough, reused plastic either. I like straight talk. The compassion what I found in the e-mails what recharges my batteries.

May your God go with you, be well!



62% helpful
Joannedecato Comcast answered...



88% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I think advice to make ammends where possible is paramount to dying in peace. My mother, now in the final stages of Alzheimer's, left her financial and medical affairs in a mess but had no idea what she was doing since she has that dibilitating disease.

Now that I see how difficult it is to unravel everything, along with caring for her (changing diapers, bathing and feeding her, etc.) I will make certain that I buy a long term care plan so my daughters don't have to do this for me. I want them to remember me how I am and not as a person in an almost vegetative state being cared for in their homes by them for several years.


82% helpful
Pondering Life answered...

When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 46, he took several important steps that helped prepare him to die and also to prepare his survivors. One of the first things we did was plan a special trip with our daughters who were then 19 and 21. We took them to Hawaii for a week and put the trip on a charge card. It was totally worth it and we all have wonderful memories of the trip!

The next thing he did was make a conscious decision to let go of bitterness and grudges that he had held onto from past hurts. He reconciled with important people he had become estranged from and asked forgiveness from people he feared he might have hurt. He extended forgiveness to those who had previously hurt him, even when they remained oblivious that they had hurt him.

Finally he surrounded himself with a small group of Christian friends who shared a common focus and belief that this life is a tiny blip in our lives as creations meant to worship and praise God forever. The focus was that we can do nothing to earn God's favor, but because He is God, he loves us and extends his free gift of grace to us. Because each one of us is so cherished by God, we recognized the immeasurable worth God has endowed us with. Cancer and other illness are not a punishment from God, they are the natural result of living in a fallen world that is still waiting to be restored to the perfect world God intended for us to inhabit. We may not understand why God allows this suffering in our lives, but we can trust that he loves us and will see us through any earthly affliction into a blessed eternity with him. We spent a lot of time with Christian friends talking about heaven and looking forward to heaven. Now as a widow, I don't feel like my husband is very far away, and I am comforted by knowing that he is safe in Jesus' arms. He suffers no pain, no worry, no loss. I look forward to the day that I will join him there.


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vixenkit5 answered...

By not stopping living! Make and do the Bucket List as your finances will allow. Give forgiveness and accept it. Remember its a journey not a destination! As in childbirth the pain WILL cease. Be patient with yourself! If you have never been a person to just go with the flow now is the time to embrace that philosophy. Rmember that your children (if you have them) benfit by your PRESENCE and not your PRESENTS! Use YOUR money to make YOU comfortable and allow the relatives to visit. Remember this is YOUR death. Plan it as if it were your birthday the way YOU want it. This is the time to be positively selfish (some call it GOOD selfish.) Focus on the joy and not the pain. God Bless!


83% helpful
Sunburned Texan answered...

I believe most of the answers given stray off base a bit... ( wrongfully taking property????) Assumptions on who may be asking the question. Accept yourself... Good, bad, ugly.... Let go. Surround yourself with those you love and trust. We are only here for a few years ( say 80 or so.. In my case 46, crossing fingers to 47!) to affect those closest to us: we all have wronged or thought we have... It doesn't matter; if we asked those we thought we wronged for forgiveness most, if not all, would say " um , thanks but I have no idea what you are talking about." think of high school in this instance. I am not going to dwell on my past too much as there is nothing I can do about it now. And to be perfectly honest I wasn't mean or rude or insensitive ever knowingly. Ok, junior high had a few instances of teasing... Who names their child Mayo? Btw-We are best friends now! I love my family and my friends. And can you believe I am not a christian? Wow, sacrilege! That big force or whatever it is accepts me for who I was and who I am. I am at peace, but, scared of course. Finances, my will, funeral arrangements are taken care of by me: maybe this is the most thoughtful way to prepare for death.


82% helpful
vixenkit5 answered...

How does one prepare for an ending? You can go out with a bang or a thud the decision is yours! I plan to do my own eulogy on video tape so FINALLY I can get a word in edge wise to my family and friends without being interrupted!! lol!! I left money to my daughters and grand daughter. The man I live with will just have to continue on taking care of himself and no one else. I hope Jesus is there but not counting on it and for those of you not too familiar with religion, I would suggest to alleviate FEAR you might want to ck into one while ya can. Chanting and meditation does help alleviate pain and fear. Reading holy scriptures from the Qran or the Bible helps. I am not too thrilled with the Hindi reincarnation thing however. Kinda weird to think that I'd have to go thru all this crap again!! I have had one hell of time getting thru it once!! :) A sense of humor about it all I guess. Just remembering to not take me too serious even in death. If it is a journey on the "other side" then cool if it is truly eternal sleep then good. I can't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me and that is good enough for me. Just my two cents worth. And for all the religious pushers here back off!! Even Jesus said to each there own and not force your crap on any one!! (paraphrasing!) Hre's to a Good Death after a crappy life!


100% helpful
An anonymous caregiver answered...

I guess I can tell you more about how not to die since I've buried two husbands. My first husband and I married very young and when I was 22 and he was 23 he started having bad headaches. By that time we had 2 very young children and their normal play disturbed him a lot. I got a phone call one day that he had been taken to the hospital after passing out at work at a manufacturing plant. He was in the hospital for a couple of days for tests because his pupils were not level. When he was released we went in to the neurologists office where the Dr told me that he had not found anything wrong. Ok, good! However, he was not himself and I finally took the children and went to my mom's because he almost hurt one while having a headache. With in a short time he sold the furniture, took his brother's new car and disappeared for several months. I had no idea what was going on but went on with life with the kids. He showed up one night and acted very wierd and later was found dead in the car from suicide. It turned out that he was told that he had a brain tumor, had a short time to live and decided to do all the things he wanted to and then end it. I can't begin to tell you how unbelievably cruel this is to the people who love you. He died in 1966 and the repercussions continue to this day. Some feel guilty for not stopping him or helping him and others feel anger and abandonment. The children are grown and one thinks he remembers his dad and is very resentful. The other is sad that she can't remember him but has never been able to find security in a relationship. Your illness might be very different but I can tell you for sure that if you kill yourself w/o letting your family have time to process your impending death, you are doing a very hateful thing and I'm not sure you will ever have peace on the other side. A while after his death, which by the way was just before Christmas, I thought that after crying myself to sleep I was awakened by a visit from him. In reality after all these years I'm not sure it was not a dream but at any rate, he told me that he was in hell but not the hell of our Sunday school days but in a place where he could hear his children crying for him and knowing he did it himself. He told me that hell is a spiritual place and that everyone's is different but that was what his was. I have wondered all these many years if he could still hear their reactions and pain in situations that were attributed to his death. I'm now an old woman but I am still crying for him as I write this. I was able to forgive him when my sons were the age he was when he died and I realized just how young and foolish we were. I'm sure he was devastated by knowing he was dying and took a path that seemed easier to him. His brother and sister and I still talk about him as he was their big brother and they adored him. His mother was dead when he did this but I know his poor dad never understood him or got over it. It broke his heart when I remarried and he asked that I not change the kids last name and I did not. I'm not sure it was such a good idea now but I couldn't hurt him any more than he had been already. My second husband was not a perfect dad to them but he raised them and he loved them and they loved him. When he died of cancer five years ago they were there with him just as his own son was. He was not a perfect husband and we divorced after a 30 year marraige. After ten years he remarried but I was on one side of the bed while she was on the other side. She didn't understand all the feelings but like I told her, her two years with him was a blip on his radar screen and he was our lives. Sadly, he waited too long to make up his mind about the division of property and tried to do it from his death bed and it caused a lot of problems in that he gave the kids things that she had plans for. She was very well fixed though so she really shouldn't have bickered with him over family heirlooms the day before he died. I always got along with her because I knew he was a hard man to live with and he treated her a lot worse then he treated me. I guess what you should take from his death was to not keep putting things off thinking there would be a last minure reprieve. However when his brother died of cancer he did get the last minute chemo that changed him from going home to have hospice set up at home to living another nine years so I understand some of why he waited. The last words I heard him speak were, "no, not yet". He had an appointment at his lawyer's office the next day and I know he thought he would keep it. I came very close to death with a bout of sepsis (blood poisoning) a couple of years ago and may be in the same shape as I write this. At any rate my health is not good and I'm thinking I should be making some arrangements in case this time around the antibiotics don't work in time. I'll post again if I make it and I hope someone can benefit from my story. It's not been easy to write but I'm ok with reviewing the past if it is of help in some way. Not considering others is what causes so many problems in this world so try to take the high road. I always have and I don't have the regrets that my husbands left behind.


65% helpful
forgiven99 answered...

The best way to prepare to die is to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. Jesus wants you to know that you can be with Him forever and ever in heaven. Repent from your sins and turn to Christ. Believe, trust and surrender your life to him. I am the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except by me (John 14:6)


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An anonymous caregiver answered...

Its obvious that the original writer here is not being honest as he goes on and on about how great he is. He is trying to convince himself of that and I really think he is lying through his teeth.


70% helpful
queenbee10 answered...

Try to leave everyone with a smile on their face. Especially if you are ill, muster your happiest times--if you can, make jokes--give a kind word--above all else let everyone know you are at peace--I agree with most of what the first commenter said except that some people "hate" or "resent" no matter how kind the other person. My mom was a wonderful mother and woman but she had repressed anger . In her final hours, she proceeded to be very ugly saying horrible things to my sister. Many things she said were true, but they really did not need to be said. My sister has to live with the burden of those remarks and they served no purpose for my mother. My dad was the same way and said horrible things to the same sister. She is not horrible--just incredibly selfish and they always had to bail her out financially. But the things that were said often were not true though they did have grains of truth. It made me see my parents differently. That both did that to her and she is stuck with those memories on their death beds--terrible. I am not afraid at all of dying. My mom was scared to death and it came out in venom and ugliness. She was a very religious woman but in the final moments she found not peace but fear and her anger at it and her death came out. I pray and think often of my time--I hope there is not a lot of pain, but even if there is, I hope I have a story or joke or something to make all those who see me laugh. I was a hoot as a person and had a blast--I don't want people to grieve for me if they can help it--I want them to smile. I want them to be comforted. I am hoping mightily that despite any differences I do not act a fool. I was at the side of my husband dying and was just a bit disappointed in how he approached his death but in the end he was wonderful. I was not present when my mom died or when my dad dad but everyone told the same stories about what was said and it made me really sad. I was not sad for my mom dying--she had cancer and was in excruciating pain--this at least should have been a relief. She had lung cancer--they said she went screaming for God to help her. It makes me so amazingly sad. My dad just went to sleep and according to the hospice his heart just gave out--it was his first day in hospice and he was there only a few hours--he also had cancer. Both had very full lives.

LIVE life to the best of your abilities try not to hurt people and above all else, besides asking for and giving forgiveness try to make a good exit--let people have their peace, I shudder to think what God thinks of my mom's words and the way she supposedly said them before she died. Be kind and think of things that allow people to rejoice and smile and look forward to a hereafter not dread seeing you again.


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An anonymous caregiver answered...

forgiven: you quoted John 3:16 as the answer. That is not the answer because it does not explain what the rest of the bible does--it is not enough to profess belief or believe--the bible says "faith without works is dead" this means true belief lives a life that is Christlike and observes what God said to observe. We don't judge, or covet, get jealous, run after money, back stab, gossip or fornicate--how many people do those things but think they are going to heaven? We try not to lie..and we work on those things over and over. When people truly believe something, they live it--and those who give lip service to John 3:16 with no understanding are not true believers--we should act like Jesus is always right beside us watching us--that would curtail a lot of actions while prompting others that others could benefit from.


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uncle joe answered...

Dear Anonymous,

I am a bit confused, please help me: am I the identified person to whom you directed your comment?

I don't want to assume or speculate, so I Iask.

Please don't take offense but the comments could have came form the mother of my daughter!-

Be well!



63% helpful
queenbee10 answered...

Hi: All my answers are in general and though I was answering the original question of the original poster (kadie) if there is anything anyone can take from it--that's fine. Leaving with Grace is one of the most important things we can give those who will still be here. I tend to think that this is at least our third real journey into the vast, unknown. The first happened when we were still just eggs. Female only waiting to be fertiized.

Do any of you know that females are born with all the eggs they will ever have? Here is an excerpt I cut from another site about that:

"A baby girl is born with egg cells (oocytes) in her ovaries. Between 16 and 20 weeks of pregnancy, the ovaries of a female fetus contain 6 to 7 million oocytes. Most of the oocytes gradually waste away, leaving about 1 to 2 million present at birth. None develop after birth. At puberty, only about 300,000"”more than enough for a lifetime of fertility"”remain. Only a small percentage of oocytes mature into eggs. The many thousands of oocytes that do not mature degenerate. Degeneration progresses more rapidly in the 10 to 15 years before menopause. All are gone by menopause."

Now the point is that if there is any cognizance either spiritually or otherwise, then each egg is nearby when the others began to leave--but they all have an inkling of the NEXT WORLD outside the ovary. Maybe they've heard stories--something about a male sperm combining and creating a whole new being. Course it is all a rumour...WHO ever heard of anything as fantastic as that? But the fact is--- becoming a fertilized egg is a TRANSITION the contained world of the ovary which the oocytes live in for years ends--they will never see that egg again.

They will never know what it is like on the "other side" and the eggs that leave change--they get transformed and none have ever returned to tell what it is like.

I believe life is as infinite as the universe. It does change and there are transitions and transformations and each requires its own setting --and few who go through with it come back.

As we gain more cognizance and develop our cerebral as well as spiritual selves we process this and come to our own conclusions or more puzzles.

Einstein said "Matter is energy and energy is never lost--it is TRANSFORMED..."

People are composed of matter--everything in this universe that is solid is composed of Matter--and it is never lost--it is transformed. We already know some of this. We can tell that things that were living eventually return to dust and as nutrients for the body--but we know we are more than just skin and bones and muscle. WE know this because we already experience the abstract.

JOY....go fetch me a bottle of Joy can you do that?

How about love? Can you slice about a 1/2 pound of love and give it to people?

Gravity? You cannot see it--but it is there and you can EXPERIENCE it.

This means there IS an entire universe of being that does not subscribe to our laws of the concrete... Gamma rays, prions, ...we can name a lot of scientific stuff we already know and there is a universe of stuff we do not know.

MY point is that you do not have to believe in God to know that there is MORE and it is out there.


For months (which to many cells is an entire lifetime or 50) all the organs in the body and all the cells that are in the body are aware of a new thing in their midst. It is miraculous and it is growing. It requires a lot of energy from them and their world (the body) but they do their best to accomodate. the new "thing"

Now, just like to the oocytes, the universe was the ovary. to the organs in your body, the universe is the body. It is all they will ever know or see--unless they have a "near death experience" and go into the light--like when you are cut open for heart surgery and your organ gets to experience that blinding light--before it is repaired and put back and tries to relay this "near death experience" to the rest of the body (LOL)

When someone dies--they leave this plane. They are transformed. They shed this body. I imagine the body laments and cries and wonders about the new baby that they saw grow up and then leave...THEY will never see that being again. If the oocytes know about the egg turned baby--they must wonder if the stories are true...IS there anything after the ovary? A lot of oocytes will tell them NO. We are all that there is and when we are gone--then poof--that is all. But surely, there is something else. The baby could tell them---if she could communicate--but hers is a different world and being transformed she no longer considers her origin in an ovary--she is a NEW CREATURE and so looks ahead.

Leaving is traumatic--lots of trauma and drama--and when she enters the next world (our world) there are sensations she did not even know and experiences she has no reference for. Having spent all of her life in liquid, (nice really warm liquid) Air must be a shock. Even when ambient it must appear hostile and cold and WEIRD--something blowing and tugging across new tender skin. Having only been fed and turning by bobbing gently in fluid, having only known other cells talking to her cells and that memory fading fast as she transformed into a true, viable baby--what is a baby to make of these new creatures? Who manipulate her--their "touch" must be one of the most alien things of all--babies do not know this feeling--they know touch only in fluid and them touching themselves or the brush of their cord against them--this is almost just another part of their body--but outside--when they leave the womb--it must just be like leaving this world---NOTHING inside, ever comes back and when parts of the body are opened up for surgery--they have crazy stories to tell.

Probably stories the rest of the body on the inside, can never truly believe. Still...there is something MORE.

So what does leaving with GRACE have to do with this imagining? It means that as we TRANSITION to something MORE..WE LEAVE THOSE WHO ARE LEFT BEHIND with lasting, good moments.

NO. It does not change the real dynamics of a relationship--but it does allow a bit of solace and peace to those who adventure has not reached the next phase.

All those who die--continue the adventure we all started as atoms and electrons --we continue to transform, renew, etc and to promote life--we are given new definitions for life. Every level is different. It is important to leave on a good note--because you never know when you will meet up again and when you do--the old life is no more. I can guarantee you will have a hard time recognizing your loved ones--they will be different, because they will no longer have their human body--that body will have decayed and turned to dust--they may only appear (to us on this plane) as light--but in the next world, when we are also there--maybe they appear like people. Who really knows?

I don't claim to. I can tell you that there is more than here and it is the responsibility of all of us who go before to prepare the way for those who are left--we do this by showing them how to leave with "STYLE" how to remember the most touching and special moments of our lives--how to gently bring everyone to the point of remembering the good or the funny or maybe the irreverent.

the last days are not a good time to hurt others--it may hamper your transition because if you are full of anger and hurt and bitterness or even fear--then it is more difficult for the flesh to separate from the spirit.

We say our "please forgive mes" and "I'm sorries" and "I love you nows" so in this time--with this body, and the others with their bodies--we are all of one accord. Not everyone will accept apologies or honor last wishes or do what should be done to achieve balance. We do all of that to achieve balance.

Most religions will tell you to be this way--to forgive and ask for forgiveness, to provide closure. Here is why:

When we transform, the most exquisite feeling of light and joy can accompany that move OR it can be a time of pain, anger and great fear. It all depends on the BALANCE of your soul as you leave. I am not talking about good vs evil--I am talking about making your peace with most things. Let it go. It is the hanging on that makes it more difficult. It does not matter if others hang on to their hurt or anger or bitterness--it matters if the dying person hangs on.

When you hang on (and consider anger and hurt and bitterness like huge wires) they continue to tie you to this world--they don't even let you see the glimpse of the lovely next level. And it HURTS to be torn away---in fact some are ripped away. It is because they do not just let go.

If you never felt it before--as you realize you are leaving this world and never, ever coming back (or if you do, it will be in a new body, with new families and experiences) you begin to realize how silly and petty a lot of things were. Things you did--things others did to you. None of it is important anymore.

so really--leaving with grace is leaving with your self in balance. Say your good byes, say your I'm sorries, let all anger and hurt and humiliation and treacheries done to you---GO. Let them GO. They will not keep you here--but they can make the leaving harder and they can leave others with a burden that is more difficult to let them let go when their time comes.

I worry about my sister. When she leaves--who can she say "I'm sorry to?" My mom and dad are dead. Who can accept her apology her final growing up and realization that all the antics and drama she caused or participated in was just petty? If you think that my momma an daddy will forgive her from the other side--I think they will not be forgiving more than perplexed. They will have left all this world and the pettiness behind. Her speech and way of communicating with them will not faze them--it is not that they will be mad or anything--it will be that they cannot relate any longer.

THEY ARE TRANSFORMED--NEW CREATURES and she will be like an oocyte trying to relate to a baby. As my sister dies (no she is not dying, this is an example) she also will transform--and with it--her life here will not matter THERE--just as the life in the womb is not carried forth by the baby and the life of the oocyte is not carried forth by the fertilized egg.

EACH time anew. So better to leave everyone happy--and with grace --I am hoping there is not a lot of pain for me--because I do not want to leave crying or unhappy or even preoccupied. I want to look anyone who comes to be with me in the eye and THANK them for allowing them to be a part of my life and for bringing me life lessons. I don't want a lot of crying and want to remind each person that as long as they think of me-- I will live in a way--and as long as most thoughts are good--I will not be the burden that hampers their own release when it is time for them to move on.

I wrote somethings under anonymous and queenbee so I do not know all who have emailed me asking if I am speaking to them. I am speaking to anyone. I am speaking to myself. I want to go with grace and I want people to smile when they remember me as a human. I don't want to be that person who is a stumbling block who makes their passage hard.

I am afraid that my sister may have a difficult time. It has been over 5 years since dad died and over 7 since momma left--but if I call or talk with her, she replays their last words and remarks to her like it was yesterday.

She picks them open and she cannot hear me when I try to talk of peace. She is not a person that contemplates her own death with serenity, she cannot hear me. But I have been at the death bed of quite a few people and it is amazing how different each passage is.

This site covers the physical and phsyiological signs of passing,..I am talking about the transitioning of the spirit--what ever makes you --YOU--what ever makes you wimpy or strong or domineering, or stubborn or flaky or nice or sweet--the essence of you. Go with grace so that your essence is lifted up and soars on a wave of ecstasy to the next level--because if you hold it in or have grudges or leave bad notes--it makes it harder for you and especially harder for whoever you sound off on.

If you really want to get things off your chest--try to do them soon enough that you have time for both you and the person you attack to heal--but in the case of illness--just remember that no time is promised and really--what possible thing is so important that as you are leaving this earth--you still hang on to and nurse it?


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queenbee10 answered...

uncle joe: No, my comments about the bible are to forgiven and my other comment is just to everyone in general. You are right--you cannot dictate how other people see you or react to you--that is perception.

We all just try to do the best we can. I read your post about your daughter and her mom and well.. hate to say this but "that is just life" you do YOUR personal best and leave others to interpret it.

I would say that no matter how you wish to help--it may be better to be a listening ear and not an adviser or person who takes an active role. I noticed they had no problem taking money but did not want anything else that came with it. Fine. don't give them words of wisdom or rush in to fix debts or anything unless they specifically ask you to do that.

The reason is--we see what we do for others ONE WAY but we cannot decide how the recipient sees or takes what we do. So either we stop doing or we limit our input. It is wonderful to try to help others--but everyone sees or takes help differently.

There is a difference between using people (like it seems your ex wife and family have done to you) and allowing yourself to be used or helping others.

Personally, when I read your post--I sighed--been there, done that. If I were talking to you--which I guess now I am--I would say --STOP trying to get answers or seek closure on past issues. Some people can never face that. If all you want is to know the "Whys" of certain things--take it to God or whatever you believe. There is a lot of dysfunction in all of our lives--our job is to find a balance. There are people who will mourn my passing and some I do not doubt who will be glad I am gone. I will have those who speak fondly of me and those who do not like me, never have and never will.

People will say I did good things--and no doubt some will say I was evil incarnate. We can do a lot of things but it is well nigh to impossible to make anyone see or interpret what you way or do a certain way. Just know why you are doing stuff and try very hard not to hurt people--trust me--someone will be hurt no matter what you do and some will not be please no matter what you do. If Jesus could not leave this world with a lot of people angry and mad at Him (enough to want to kill Him) don't you expect people to do that for you . Ain't gonna happen.

Let it GO. If you have already said you are sorry--Let it GO. If you still want to know what you have done wrong--let it GO. If you left your wife and child or were the one to divorce that alone would be unforgiveable to a lot of women. Let it Go.

No matter what, we cannot change the past or rewrite the way others remember it. I try to be clean in my thoughts every day. This means I try to make sure I am truthful to myself about what I am doing or thinking and how I have treated others. I try to be kind. I am not always kind. I try to be understanding. I am not always understanding. I try to help--it is NOT HELP if the other person does not want it.

If you end up with no one at your funeral--who cares? Funerals are for the living. I think you are beating yourself up. Don't. Some one anonymous made a comment about somebody else lying--that was not me--I don't deal in that. The only anonymous comment of mine came from speaking to forgiven.

I never commented to you or about you BUT I can relate to not having everyone be my biggest fan when I die. So what? Forgiveness is not something people do for others--you do it for yourself. It sounds like you have forgiven and try to make amends--they won't let you--then it is their problem.

As for keep trying to get answers--that is like having a bad scrape and keep picking the scab--no healing comes from that. Accept they will never give you an answer or closure and move on. Be KIND from here on out--ask God for forgiveness--and pretend like they are not the butts they act like. If they are too hateful--let them go. This is your one time on this plane in this body--don't spend it chasing after problems you can never fix (and they won't let you fix) If you leave them alone--I predict they will come around--even if it is only to try to get more money out of you. If you wish to leave your daughter something when you die--do it.

If she still harbors unforgiveness for you when her time comes--that will be her problem. Not yours.


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nevaeh1234 answered...

Joseph, it sounds like your hurting, and im sorry for that, I too am hurting from family issues, that are too long and painful too discuss. the bottom line is forgiveness and unconditional love, of all Jesus says too love one another. My family wont forgive my transgression, which where self induced, I harmed myself but hurt there Pride. If God has forgiven me who are they to judge me. I have decided to love them from a distance. and Im Grateful for the Many wonderful people he has placed in my life. And yours......Be Blessed and forgive them for they know not what they do


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reita501 answered...

Uncle Joe. You are a good man and you have a good spirit. Though we are strangers here,we all must feel your pain and angst that from all the good you've done and are still doing,your family shows no appreciation. There are somethings in life we can't fix...because we didn't break them. God knows your deeds and they will speak for you. In sharing this with us,you are doing yet another good deed. You've offered insight into many peoples lives that are going through the same thing. Just different people in a like scenario. God gives us life. It is up to us what we do with it. We cannot live others lives whether sons,daughters,wives ect. Joe,all you have to do is live. That's all,just live,because you only live here on this earth one time. Let go of things that make you sad,it's not your fault. Be healthy in mind,body and most of all spirit. I love you Joe.


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An anonymous caregiver answered...

I am amazed and appalled at the anger here and the NEED to be right that is coming from so many posters. The last thing I think a dying person needs is the correction offered here of scripture or how they feel. As I read thru these posts I realized one thing that helps me; All here want to be heard. If its just venting or offering unsolicited advice or speaking of their belief systems, they just want to be HEARD not judged or criticized or berated! JUST HEARD!
I want you to know I HEAR YOU! C U on the other side!


An anonymous caregiver answered...

but what if you have no belief in jesus (any) god, the supernatural, or the afterlife whatsoever. And don't even fully believe in the difference between "good" and "bad" except contextually. how will that person be comforted? i guess it doesnt matter if they are, there is no imperative that anyone be comforted.


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rosie123 answered...

Not having a belief system must be very difficult to deal with when death is approaching. I shared the dying experience with a dear friend a few years back. She had breast cancer that was stage four when it was discovered as she was a large breasted woman. She had her mammograms but the results were misinterpreted by her M.D. until it was too late to do anything but buy time. She died at age 36 leaving 3 children under ten years of age. Chemotherapy did buy her a couple of years with her children whose father was not in the picture and had not been since they were babies. She had had a daughter and then a year later a pair of twins. Walking through this as her friend and support person was an amazing exerience and like the Garth Brooks song says, "I could have missed the pain but I would have missed the dance." Kathy had faith in God's love that I have never seen in anyone else. It even amazed the medical personel that helped care for her. She belived that there was a reason in God's master plan for everything and it was all good in the end. That is not to say that she didn't have times of grief because she did and didn't want to leave her kids which is understandable. Instead of accepting assurances of others about what was going to happen to her, she did everything she could to find out what the truth was. She asked me if I would help her with her search and I agreed. She did a lot of reading to find out what other religions believed and then did an in depth study of the Bible. We used a Concordance to look up every reference to the words death, daying, departing, ect. and didn't find most of the things Christians say to sweeten the message. We do not go right to heaven, we don't become angels, and we don't look down on those we leave behind and intercede in their behalf while in heaven with God. Basically the Bible and most other holy books say that we sleep. We are asleep waiting on the return to earth of Jesus Christ when we will awaken and are then taken up to heaven. We were never able to learn exactly how the usual platitudes came into being but there is really no religion that actually teaches them. They have evidently just became folk tales to lighten the grief of the bereaved. I felt sorry that she had come to that conclusion because I thought it would rob her of small comforts but she wasn't in the least upset. Like most of us look forward to the rest of our beds she was ok with looking forward to her final sleep. She thought it would be much more peaceful than hearing the crying of her children and feeling it was her job to provide them comfort in some way from above. She did believe that after she awoke she would reap a final reward as all religions teach. As her final illness progressed being overwhelmingly tired was becoming more and more difficult for her and she mentioned many times that she was looking forward to her final rest. Trying to plan for her children's futures was a huge burden and just the day to day living we take for granted was terribly hard. She spent more and more time in bed resting, brought on by both the illness and the pain medication and I think that was another reason feeling she was going to rest in peace was attractive to her. Even when she was resting here she could never escape the problems her death was causing. She had family issues that needed to be dealt with other than those with her children. Like most of us, family relationships had not always been the best and she and her mother did spend a lot of time together and I think did come to a new place of love and understanding. It made her sad that she was not able to do that with her kid's dad but she tried. She did feel like she had done all she could. She based her feeling of peace not so much on the person she was dealing with but on her feeling that she had done what God expected her to do. Without the relationship she had with God that might have been very different and frustrating. Three days before her death she was sitting at the kitchen table and said that she was tired and it was time for her to die which I found shocking and unexpected as I thought she would be with us longer. She got up from the table and walked back to bed and didn't get up again. At the end I was sitting with her while a thunderstorm raged outside her window. She had not been responsive at all for 24 hours other than moaning when she was being medicated for pain. Suddenly, she opened her eyes and raised herself up from the pillow and smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. I leaned towards her and said, "what Kathy, what? She never looked at me but continued to look at whatever she saw over my shoulder for a matter of probably ten seconds, fell back on her pillow and breathed only a few more times and was gone. Her mom was in the kitchen and it happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to call out to her. I just can't imagine a better death than she had. There is not a thing about it that makes me sad to remember it and I want it. Because of it, I believe what she believed and feel sorry for those who don't. I have witnessed other deaths since then and I know that her passing was special. I know that my own father died in terror and he didn't have her beliefs. I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for any one who makes the mistakes he did. I firmly believe what Kathy had is available to anyone who wants it and comparing the two deaths I wonder that anyone would choose any less than Kathy's death offers but we all have choices to make and some of them are huge. I have made my peace with God and chosen his way but there will always be things I could and should do different but I can assure you that Kathy is often on my mind whan I have a choice to make. I know she is resting peacefully but I do want to thank her for sharing her death with me when she wakes up.


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justesgrl answered...

I worked as a nurse for 36 years and have been a part of many people's end of life. Almost exclusively, people pass away peacefully, simple cease to be. I hope this reassures those of you who are afraid of dying.

Death holds no mystery or fear for me.

I have arranged for whole body donation for myself so there will be no funeral. I will have my advance directives in place. I don't want anyone to have the stress of deciding for my care. It will all be in black and white.

If I die on the west coast, UCLA will pick me up. On the east coast, the state of Virginia gets me if I die there. Either way, it's all pre-arranged.

I've lived a good life and a life of service to others. I'm an athiest though I do believe in re-incarnation :) If you are religious and it works for you that's fine.

I think everyone should be pro-active and have their own arrangements in place, not left for the family to deal with after you die.

None of us know what lies ahead. Enjoy whatever time is left for you. Never miss a chance to tell people how you feel about them and what they mean to you. Say "I love you" "I'm sorry" without hesitation. Showing we're human and have shortcomings only brings us closer.


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Lifelister answered...

First, be prepared early with your finances in order and funeral wishes well documented. Be sure you have a will. Look into care options which may be family or other caregivers if you are alone. If you have a little time, by all means, make some last wishes come true. Take that trip or dance all night. If your health is already too deteriorated, but you can communicate, write or tape record your life story, memories, family tree, etc. But most importantly, put aside bitterness and resentment. Go ahead and reach out to those you may have hurt, or who have hurt you. Lay it down and be at peace. Personally, I am a proponent of euthanasia for terminal illness and hope our government will give us all the "off button" decsion when suffering has replaced meaningful life.


Maria la O answered...

To uncle Joe: Has it ever occurred to you that your wife and your daughter are ready to get on with their lives. Perhaps they resent having to depend on you. I noticed that you have made a detailed list of all the times that you have helped them. Including seeing your daughter through her allergies from 13 to what 20 something? That is what parents do. They see their children through their aches and pains while growing up.
When you divorce someone, you leave them alone as much as you can, that is why you get divorced. Because they you no longer wanted to share their everyday life with each other. it seems to me that you kept yourself involved with your wife on a daily and personal basis beyond what was proper to continue to nurture your daughter. Perhaps she did not welcome all of those emails that you kept as some kind of evidence to clear yourself and keep your reputation in one piece. I do not communicate with people that keep scrupulous records of our communications, its too unsettling. What you need to do, if I am correct in my assumption that you have a terminal illness, is to stop keeping an account of everything you ever did or will do for you daughter and your ex wife. And trying to exact some kind of payment in gratitude as tender. Most people resent the person that they have to depend on. Especially ex husbands. Grown daughters, greedy ones, think that they are entitled to their parents wealth benefits. If a person keeps on taking my money as if they are entitled to it. I don't give it away. Try to spend some time enjoying they life that you have left, and instead of trying to exact warmth and happines where there might be none to get, find other sources of joy. They are out there. Leave them alone. You cannot relive the past.


ame76 answered...

I asked myself this question to. Then I prayed and the answer became so clear. You prepare for death by living each day to the fullest and finding a reason to be grateful. We have to put pain and hurt from the past behind and look to the horizon. Our time here is precious and we must not take it for granted. The simple things have become so important to me, like admiring the beauty in the sun, and listening to the birds chirp. And loving those that have wronged you and being thankful for your family. None of us are perfect, but we must learn to truly love each other....love hard...love past the pain and continue to love as our father loves us.


hootdaddy88 answered...

You should go to ifgone.com, a site created in 2013 that enables people to record videos and send them over time to their loved ones. It's a pretty cool site I think and you can post-date videos for specific times like an anniversary or a birthday if you're not around.


An anonymous caregiver answered...

These answers, in my opion, lack practicality. Yes, it is good to be at peace of mind with yourself. Clear your mind and soul of all bad thought. I think of it as speak now or forever hold your peace. However when making final preparations you should look into making a will, making funeral arangements, and making a road map so those surviving you can manage your affairs. make it easier for others when you pass, not only yourself.