How do I make my Mother go see a doctor when she flatly refuses?
My Mom lives in a in senior housing apartment and is losing keys, not bathing and shows all the signs of dementia. She refuses to go to any doctor or to take any medication. She has a very strong will, She is depressed and now cries a lot, She will drink beer at night alone. The other residents are constantly saying things she has done. Checking the mail over and over, etc. I now have been told by the Manager that she has to have a doctors statement for her to stay there. I have no idea how to handle this. She has given no power to anyone. Please help!
Your mother's ability to care for herself appears seriously impaired. Loving your mother at this phase in her life means doing what is best for her, regardless of what she may think or say. This requires uncommon courage. To deal with your immediate problem I suggest:
- Ask the apartment manager to put in writing the requirement that your mother have a physician's statement approving her ability to live alone.
- Make a "list" of the actions and behaviors that concern you, highlighting those that could cause harm to your mother or others.
- Prepare in advance. Find a physician you trust, set up an appointment for your mother and inform him/her prior to the appointment of your concerns. Share the "list".
- If you have siblings, spouse or a trusted friend enlist their help with talking with your mother and make certain they support your agenda. Practice what you will say. Don't wing it. Don't let emotion take over.
- Remember, paranoia is a common symptom of dementia and may strongly affect your mother's reaction.
- One or two days before the doctor appointment, talk to your mother. Choose her calmest time of day. Show her the letter from the apartment management. Explain to her your concerns. (Don't show her the "list".) Tell her you love her and want her to be able to continue to be independent. To do so she must go to the doctor. Tell her if she refuses she has move and cannot live alone. Those are the rules. There are no other options.
- Be prepared for her anger, refusal, recriminations and more. Stand strong and tell her you are on her side and will pick her up at the designated time to take her to the appointment.
- Make certain you go into the appointment with her and talk with the physician together.
All of that being said, your mother's symptoms are significant and it is likely she will not be able to remain alone for very long, so be prepared. Also, if she is prescribed medication and allowed to live alone her alcohol consumption will need to be monitored. I wish you the very best in this very difficult time.
Connie Lambert, PT, CCM, PhD
It is a difficult situation. I would recommend to ask Manager to write an official letter saying that all residents must have regular physician examination of all residents and saying that your mother is overdue for this requirement. You need to select a physician who is a geriatrician and knowledgeable about dementia.
I feel your pain. You are in a tough spot and you are not alone. Connie gave a thorough and excellent answer. You have embarked on a stressful, frustrating, and difficult journey as your relationship with your mother is changing. I simply add that you need to have your own support system and take care of yourself. As many say, look out for number one. All my best. Deborah Cooke
around here, in texas, when worse comes to worst...the law can step in and put her in a rest home. seen it done. call a local elder protection in your area if you cant cope with her like this and let them take the blame. :) or ask the cops. they can do it. a judge will sign the order. im not sure i wouldnt use that so she isnt angry with you and you dont have to cope with it. they can get very aggressive at us. jody
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