I have bipolar II depression and was first diagnosed when I was 40 years old. I have struggled and lived with this for 27 years. I've had psychotherapy, taken medication, been in and out of hospitals etc.
I was married 23 years the first time, 5 years the second and failing at this third marriage of 3 years. My son, age 47, was found dead in his home in May. He, too, was severe Bipolar 1, schizophrenic, but took medication and was not struggling financially at all. His death was devastating to me as we had a very poor relationship since my divorce to his dad. Our relationship was up and down like a roller coaster, depending on where each of us was at the given time.
I have 4 children in all and two are bipolar, one living in assisted environment. The two healthy children, a boy and girl, are married, have children and have wanted nothing to do with me for years now. I am dealing with my son's death all by myself and it has been 6 months now. I have continued to write my other children, ask for forgiveness as to whatever I did to hurt them. They just don't answer and have told me they do not want me in their life.
For ten years now I have continued to acknowledge them on their birthdays, holidays, etc., with cards and gifts. They do not ever respond or acknowledge me in any way. It has been very difficult on birthdays and Mother's Day to fight my depression and sadness and keep going.
My question is now that my son is dead, how do I keep on "wanting" to live. My family and children reached out to my ex-husband on the loss of his son and have been very supportive, but no one has made any attempt to reach out or understand that I lost our son too. I have no one to talk with or go to who would care or understand what I am feeling. My Faith has kept me alive to date as I do not want to disappoint God by taking my own life. Each night when I go to bed I ask God to please, please take me home to be with Him and my son....however the next morning my eyes open and I am still here. There is no more I can do for anyone here. So what can I do to want to keep going when I am not needed by anyone? I have buried my mom, my dad, my only sibling (brother) and now my son, whom I loved so much. What makes one want to go on in life, when they are no longer wanted or needed by anyone?
Thanks for any opinion you can give me.