How do I know if my mother-in-law's symptoms are related to her cancer or dementia/
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's five years ago and the past 16 months she has required us to live in with her. She was also diagnosed with lung cancer eight months ago that has metastasized to her bone and also soft tissue.
My husband and I are having a lot of problems trying to separate the problems and symptoms we are seeing and know if they are from the dementia or from the cancer and where it could be spreading too. Other siblings choose to see only the cancer problems and not the dementia. As her live in caregiver, I see all the problems, some from the advancing dementia and some from the spreading cancer.
My mother-in-law is too far advanced in the dementia to be of much help in telling me problems she is having because she can not find the words to explain it. I just would like to know how to combine the care for each of these diagnoses. I am burned out on trying to be all things to her and no help.
Caring for someone with dementia and another life threatening disease like cancer that has already metastasized can be very demanding. You try to give comfort and treatment but you are not sure it is what your mother-in-law wants or needs.
Often metastasized cancer can affect the brain and at this point she may be exhibiting confusion or other dementia symptoms from its spreading. Perhaps a brain MRI or scan might be helpful to assess this for further treatment.
As you probably are aware, if she is exhibiting behavioral pain (anxiety, anger, restlessness), it may not matter whether it is from the cancer or the dementia. You cannot separate the two and you would treat it the same way- with tolerance, reassurance, and assistance. If she is in pain and unable to express this, her behavior might be her way of expression and you can try different methods of pain relief from a massage to a warm bath to a sweet treat.
It sounds like it is hard for the family to understand and accept your mother-in-law's dementia and this makes it more challenging for you. Since you are providing the day-to-day care, maybe you need some respite if they would be willing to share the caregiving.
In reading this, it sounds to me that there may be a question that you didn't want to ask and that is, how do you know which of the diseases will end up being the one to cause her passing in the end and therefore, which do you treat more progressively in order to keep her here with you and your family longer. I agree with Ms. Bergman in that, in the end, it probably doesn't matter which of the two diseases is causing whatever symptoms she is experiencing. Alzheimer's, as well as the cancer, can and does cause much pain as it progresses with shutting down different areas of the body. If your mother-in-law is experiencing agitation, repetitive movement, restlessness, etc., it very well could be that this is her way of letting you know that she is in pain, since she is now incapable of telling you what exactly is going on with her. Pain is pain, no matter what is causing it. You didn't say what type of medication your mother-in-law is on, but, it sounds like she has progressed enough in both diseases to be on serious pain medication to make things easier on her and to make her more comfortable. There are also very good mood behavior medicines that can help, if you see a need for that. Please talk with her doctor and/or your hospice nurse about this situation. They will help you with what you need to do now for your loved one. They are close enough to the situation that they will be able to answer your questions. I am praying for you as you go through the next few months to give you the strength you are going to need and that God helps you in your time of sadness.
Does your doctor feel it is time for Hospice? They are able to come into your home and help you with these issues. They can give you the help and support that you need as a family. Most of all they can make your mother-in-law comfortable.