How do I best deal with Mom's incontinence?
My mother is 84 years old, and until about four years ago was a heavy drinker. She has dementia now, and even forgets the death of both of by brothers. My husband and I take care of her. She has gotten where she doesn't even try to go to the bathroom. I check on her often, but I do have a job where I work three days, 12 hours each day, and that is when my husband cares for her. She doesn't even know when she has soaked or soiled herself. I try very hard to keep her clean, but it seems to be a full time job. What do you suggest. She wears disposable underwear, but it doesn't hold it all. Also, she will not eat the good food I fix for her. She sneaks mayonnaise sandwiches.
Expert Answer
I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother. Even though she is dry from alcohol, she is wet with bodily waste, and you are left with dementia and incontinence frustration.
Drinking was an attempt to hide her feeling nature from herself. Now she doesn't drink, but she is stuck with an old habit. She does not feel. Feeling might hurt. She doesn't feel when she is wet. Wet and dry are all the same. In the same way, she would rather eat something bland like a mayonaise sandwich so she won't feel the bite and spice of delicious food or of life itself.
She may need treatment for depression or vitamins for poor nutrtion. For sure she needs more sense of boundary in her life. Could you help create it for her? She needs a daily schedule. For awhile take her to the toilet every couple of hours. Even if she does not go, wash her with a warm cloth and rub her bottom with a moisture barrier. Compliment her on her soft skin. Use a scented lotion and try to get her to select a fragrance she likes. Go to a web site like Tena.us. Tell them how much your mother goes and let them find the best incontinence product for her condition. She needs a product that quickly absorbs alot of moisture.
Also, if possible, as part of your mother's daily schedule, she needs to get out of the house. She needs to be engaged in some small way in the shopping for food and for its preparation. Could she shop with you and push the cart? Could she snap green beans? Could she peel an apple and slice it? Could she stir a cake?
There is a tendency with alcholic dementia to let one activity run into another with no space in between. There is no beginning or ending, just drifting on. Does she sit around watching t.v. and eating a sandwich without taking time to eat a proper meal? She needs a time to get up, to make her bed, get dressed, watch a program, have lunch, go for a walk, watch a program, eat a snack. Experiment with her. Make her choose her clothes. Or if you lay them out for her, make her choose a lipstick or a scarf or what shoes she wants to wear. Is there something that she cares about? if she eats a mayonaise sandwich what kind of bread does she prefer? Start where she is. Find one thing that will make the sandwich more uplifted: better bread, a good knife to spread it with or keeping it in a bowl with a lid instead of the jar.
On the days that you work could you get a personal care attendant to come for a couple of hours to bathe her, to fix her hair, and polish her nails? Or could your husband take her to the hair dresser? Or perhaps ask her to go out for an ice cream or for lunch?
If she is going out for something enjoyable, will she go to the bathroom first? Is your husband willing to change her?
It takes years to recover from a life time of heavy drinking. What does she do during the time she used to drink? Does she need an activity that is soothing for her. Consider going to alanon meetings which are free and help the family of people who drink.(Or are working with alcoholic patterns)
You have taken on a big project. Frustration arises because you are dedicated. Find a source of support for yourself so that you don't end up burned out and unable to "feel" like your dear but frustratingly wet mother.