I understand EXACTLY how you have felt & still DO feel right now. THE man for me died New Year's Day, 2009. We had all of these plans that we were both very excited about going through & doing together as an extremely "in love" couple. We lived an hour +/- from his family & my family respectively, one to the North & the other to the South. After he died at my parents' house VERY, VERY, VERY unexpectedly, I met with his family of four brothers & one sister each with their respective spouses &/or significant other. At the funeral home & at the memorial service for Paul, all of them, the siblings & their respective spouses ALL told me how very, very happy Paul was with me, that they hadn't seen him as happy as he was with me in more than ten years; that I was considered a part of the family even though we had only been together little over a year. The first 5 - 6 months, I called them regularly just to check to see how they were doing & to just TRY to stay in touch with what I had hoped would be my second family since my own tends to make me "crazy as a bat." At any rate, not even one of them has reached out to me one time since the service. I too have a counselor that is rather costly, & I DO NOT have health insurance. Paul & I had just found a house that we were going to purchase; he had just received a raise & a promotion at work & soooo many other good things were ahead of us, but now he's gone.
I too have a counselor/therapist who means the entire world to me, but talking anything "out" can only do so much for someone. I struggle to get to sleep at night, & when I do, it's almost as if I am literally passing out from pure exhaustion. Today was the first day that I have earnestly put forth some effort to keep my house that my parents assisted me in acquiring in the year that I have lived here. My mom also assisted me in getting a dog that means the entire world to me. I DO have siblings & three nieces (worst-behaved yet beautiful children) that you would ever see, & I know they love me, but they also have their own lives to lead.
I don't think I would get so "down" as often as I do (I AM happily medicated & DO see a psychiatrist on a regular basis as well as my therapist/counselor) if I had some REAL "friends." I haven't had a TRUE, GOOD & REAL "friend" in many, many years now. I KNOW a lotta people, & a lotta people know me. However, to be labeled a "friend" of mine is something entirely different. Prior to meeting Paul, my only TRUE, GOOD & REAL friend was my counselor/therapist which I have mentioned above. (/)
Oh, my....how I HAVE gone on & on & on & on as I so often do. I COULD go into many more details, but I truly don't think there is enough space here nor do I realistically foresee anyone taking the time to read it all. With that, I will close.
Cyndi, of Columbus, GA & Phenix City, AL
barneybutt at that hot mail site.
P.S. I am NOT suicidal, do NOT wanna hurt myself or others. I am just soooo lonely & do not know to whom or where to turn.