How to deal with the changing relationship of mother and daughter after Father's death?

2 answers | Last updated: Sep 14, 2016
Testing times asked...

My dad died aged 66 after a 2 yr battle with cancer, and it was a battle. Us wish was stay and die at home, so me and my mum looked after him, the journey was a torturous one as didn't want to die and hung on to life as long as he possibly could, struggling to get up and walk until the day before he died. It's now 10 months on, my mum and I are both struggling immensely with the loss of him. He was the rock for both of us, they had been married 45 yrs, iI was always a daddy's girl and was very close to dad. (I'm 38) Mum and I are now struggling with our relationship, the dynamics have changed, we always clashed and my dad was the middle man, now he's not here and we are both hurting so much that we can't seem to help each other and a couple of days ago we had a terrible argument. I know it's because we are both in a bad place but I don't know how to help my mum or deal with the feelings I'm having. When we should be pulling together to help each other it feels like we are both trapped in our own grief bubbles and can't reach out to each :( is it just us or have others been through this ?? X



Community Answers

Punkin62 answered...

My step-mom and I lost my dad 18 months ago. He had been her caregiver until he got the cancer then the job of caring for both of them fell onto me. We can't talk about him and we both have trouble in our grief so we struggle to maintain a civil relationship. I joined a caregiver support group through the senior centre here. I think professional help might be your only solution. Good luck to you. I was a Daddy's girl too and miss him very much.


Ga30 answered...

hi

You are definitely not alone. i lost my Dad a few weeks ago after a 4 and a half year battle with cancer. he was an amazing man who was so strong and was up on his feet until the day before he died.

He was my Mum's rock and now she is very lost. I am struggling to deal with our relationship as from the day he was diagnosed she has always made nasty comments to me like 'he's just your dad, you should feel sorry for me' and this was always directed at me and never my sister.

My sister live 4 hours away so cannot be here very often and it has fallen to me to support her. I have a husband but i only see him twice a week as I am at my Mums the rest of the time.

i know she is hurting and yes i should keep that in mind, but I am hurting too and it is so hard to ignore the nasty digs she makes on a daily basis.

Its also like no one else can grieve, she is the only one aloud to, but at the same time, she gets annoyed that me and my sister don't cry in front of her. No way to win!

I honestly don't know the answer to this. My Mum wants someone to replace my Dad as her support but I can't. he was her life, she only has one friend and the only family she talks to lives 5 hours away.

i have started to spend a few nights at home now for my own sanity as i cannot keep going like this. Although i have my sister I feel very alone and a little angry at times that she comes down every couple of weeks and the rest of the time gets on with her life.

For some reason, since my Dad was diagnosed my Mum would ring me 5 times a day and yet my sister only once a week. So, even when i am at home she still rings me.

Adding to this I am very similar to my Dad in that I need time to myself to recharge and I have not had this and am starting to feel exhausted.

Sorry for the rant but it feels good to get that off my chest.

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